Teaching Others In My Life About How To Deal...

[SiouzQ.]

with my peculiarities...I am very much an introvert-loner who can display gregariousness and exhuberence when needed, such as at work (outstanding customer service), or on the stage when we play gigs. I *can* be sociable when I am in the mood or if I really, really need to be. But I am finding more and more that I NEED to have total control over how I arrange my time so that I can function. I bet a lot of you know what I mean. It has taken me a long, long time to really accept my natural self, and I used to feel really bad that I wasn't like other people who love being around people all the time. I always thought that there was something REALLY wrong with me because of that. I have come to realize that I really don't need to be around people all that much and it in fact, is really exhausting and I prefer to be alone for the most part.

This weekend I am relishing having my townhouse to myself (roommate is gone for the weekend). All I want to do is just be in my cozy house all by myself with no one or nothing messing with me, no phone calls, no text messages.... I'm craving it. Problem is getting other people to really understand how I function because I just can't pretend to be something I am not anymore. I know I can come off as being aloof out in public and emotionally distant to some people who want to try to know me better. I don't know why I am the way I am and I'm not sure it really matters at this point. I am trying to inform others (ie:the guy I am dating - I'll call him "D") what he can expect. We haven't been seeing each other very much lately due to work conflicts, my crankiness, etc. I find that I am a lot more social in the summer and when fall hits, I really don't want to be around people except for on my own unique terms. I am training "D" in the art of dealing with me and my odd personality and he "seems" to understand but I feel guilty because earlier this week I said that I have Saturday off and we can get together then - by the time Saturday rolls around I really don't feel like going out because I went out the night before (by myself, listening to music). Then I can't make a decision about what to do tonight because I don't know how I am going to feel in a few hours (will I get a second wind or does going out it just feel like an obligation)?

Sometimes I feel like such an oddball and I feel sorry for people who want to get to know me better but I am very hot & cold with the whole social thing and the older I get, the more I try to honor my true nature and hopefully strike a balance.

I'm not sure if any of this made sense; it's so hard to articulate myself on-line...

[iris lily]

It's normal, we all have to negotiate the time we spend with other people.

Year ago when I was dating someone I liked pretty much and that later turned into a very close relationship, I said that I didn't want to see him more than 2X weekly. That was my limit, I felt smothered otherwise. I think that limit might have increased a bit as we got closer but not by a lot. He was a fabulous boyfriend because he went away many weekends on hiking trips. That was perfect for me! I remember early on in our relationship he kind of laid it all out, the bad stuff of him being gone on many weekends and major holidays. I remember thinking: this is bad because...? hahaha.

[try2bfrugal]

I can't make a decision about what to do tonight because I don't know how I am going to feel in a few hours (will I get a second wind or does going out it just feel like an obligation)?

Sometimes I feel like such an oddball and I feel sorry for people who want to get to know me better but I am very hot & cold with the whole social thing and the older I get, the more I try to honor my true nature and hopefully strike a balance.

IMHO, the polite thing to do if you told your boyfriend you would get together on Saturday is to honor your commitment and not leave him hanging with no other plans, unless you are sick or have an unavoidable emergency.

[SteveinMN]

IMHO, the polite thing to do if you told your boyfriend you would get together on Saturday is to honor your commitment and not leave him hanging with no other plans, unless you are sick or have an unavoidable emergency.
I have to echo this. I am a capital-I Introvert myself. I've learned enough about myself to know that time out with people in a social setting (not merely shopping during a regular day) calls for some time by myself, before or after. As a result, I am careful about not committing myself to just any social occasion. But, if I commit, I go. As part of a partnership (romantic or not), we sometimes need to compromise.

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert -- no more so than having brown eyes. Or blue eyes. It's an 'is'. SQ, it's good that you know this about yourself and it's even better that you understand you need time by yourself to recuperate. But you need to make sure that your friends and possible romantic attachments know up front that this is something you need to accommodate. If you're lucky, like I was, you find someone else who also needs time to recharge. You still need to negotiate what you do together or independently, but at least you're around someone who "gets it".

[Dhiana]

Don't worry SiouzQ, sounds like you are a perfectly normal Introvert like many of us :) And you're feeling insecure in a world that prizes extrovert behaviors, just like many of us.
Life becomes easier with each thing we learn about ourselves and you'll figure it how to balance your work, family, friends, that will work for everyone. My extroverted husband knows to inform me well ahead of time for get togethers we need to do together. Then I know to plan very little in the days before.

I do agree with the others to go on Saturday as you've promised, Have Fun and rest up on Sunday :)

[SiouzQ.]

...I wish I could but I have to work on Sunday...the solution tonight is he is coming over with a movie and ice cream so I don't have to leave the house.
The more I think about it, the more my crazy work schedule is contributing to my tiredness and crankiness. In the past 7 days, I have worked two 6am ~ 2:30 shifts, then I'll have a 2:30 to close, and the other days might be a 9 to 5 or 8 to 4 or 10 - 6. It is next to impossible to get have any sort of consistency with eating and sleeping and having a social life...the time change didn't help either. My 51 year old body is having a hard time adjusting.

[redfox]

IMHO, the polite thing to do if you told your boyfriend you would get together on Saturday is to honor your commitment and not leave him hanging with no other plans, unless you are sick or have an unavoidable emergency.

In my opinion, the best thing is to be honest & talk about it with him. Conscripted company is no fun for anyone; it's hardly polite to lie about your state. I much prefer hearing the truth. The people who I want in my life are those who take me as I am.

[SiouzQ.]

We have talked about it and he is very sweet and seems to be understanding but I still feel guilty because I get to call all the shots and he'll do anything to please me. And this is part of the rub ~ having someone seem to accept my weirdness just freaks me out and I want to go running the other way. I am hard-wired to not accept sweetness and concern very well. I am so not used to it and it tends to make me feel smothered or I am going to "owe" something back. When it all boils down to it, I am deathly afraid of relationships, intimacy and commitment, and that fear is getting worse the longer I've been out of one. I kind of feel like something has irrepperably (sp?) broken in me ever since I went through hell and back with my daughter; I have a hard time feeling things. I am actually pretty content but I just don't really feel all that much when it comes to relationships. I think I learned the method of detachment far too well! It's hard to explain, but I don't feel like a normal human when it comes to that.

[redfox]

SiouzQ, the way you are in relationship IS different based upon your experiences. That's understandable and normal. Do you want to take your concerns up with a therapist, see if you're not 'like a normal human'? It's a worthy inquiry. You could get some great relationship coaching, if you want it.

[jp1]

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0307352145/ref=mp_s_a_1?qid=1353856533&sr=1-1-fkmr1&pi=SL75

I'd strongly recommend this book. It was a great confirmation of
My normalness and o many of the strategies i've developed to cope.

[SteveinMN]

We have talked about it and he is very sweet and seems to be understanding but I still feel guilty because I get to call all the shots and he'll do anything to please me.
Lesson #4 I learned from my first marriage: Be wary of anyone who does not seem to have enough ego or self-esteem to want something different than what you want. You could be lucky and find the perfect yang to your yin. But that's rare. Typically, subsuming oneself to another's interest or will is a form of co-dependence. For some couples I know, it has worked (adequately and with plenty of ups and downs) for decades. It did not work for me (or, obviously, for my XW). Maybe it's not working for you, either, and that is part of your reaction to this relationship.


When it all boils down to it, I am deathly afraid of relationships, intimacy and commitment, and that fear is getting worse the longer I've been out of one. I kind of feel like something has irrepperably (sp?) broken in me ever since I went through hell and back with my daughter
I will suggest simply that there does not have to be a death for a bereavement to take place, and that moving from that point takes a differing amount of time for anyone involved.

[puglogic]

I'm an introvert of the same style you are -- an "extravert on demand" so sometimes people expect something different of me than I'm willing to give. I need big chunks of time alone, especially if I'm out working with the public a lot.

BUT. It has taken a long time to balance 1) my natural introversion, 2) my desire to honor my commitments and not mistreat anyone emotionally, and 3) my dealings with people who are NOT as solid in their own shoes as I am, and so perhaps let themselves be hurt by my actions. There is a place where you can feel good about your need to stay in, feel good about the way you treat "D" and others, and feel okay with simply not knowing what you want in a relationship right now. It takes a lot of courage to be honest about all of these things.

A good therapist for a short term helped me negotiate this minefield, and now I feel good about it all....I honor myself, and I consider myself both strong AND honorable at the same time. I also admit now that I do not like doormats and need someone who's willing to stand up to me.....I have zero interest in someone who'll "do anything to please me" and allow themselves to be jerked around. But it was all confusing until I got some help sorting it all out.

[SiouzQ.]

Wow Puglogic, I can relate to what you just wrote so well! Part of me is dismayed that "D" actually puts up with me and is so "understanding". I keep getting this feeling that he is just hoping and hoping that I will "need" him but something is holding me back and I haven't been able to figure out why because on the face of things, he is such a nice guy. I took him to a family get together several weeks back as "the guy that I am dating" and my sister jumped all over it as if we are a couple. I don't (and haven't) considered us a commited-to-each-other couple at this point, though I'm not sure that "D" sees it that way, even though we had talked out it once. The more he is nice to me the more I want to run away and just not deal with it anymore. I have a huge problem being communicative in any sort of relationship (a part of me that I am kind of ashamed of). I find it very hard to talk about my feelings and get things out in the open; in a way, I'd rather run but that is terribly passive-aggressive of me and I am not proud of that aspect of my personality. He is a good kind friend but not soul mate material. I am realizing I am not passionate about him but he is a very kind person. He just is not the one. I don't know if I'll ever find "the one" and that's okay. I'd like to keep my options open at this point. I do have an artistic soul mate, someone who I feel totally comfortable revealing most of my secrets to. Unfortunately, he is twenty years my junior and several years ago we went through a spate of flirtation and attraction (I have to admit I fell in love with him against my better judgement) and he ended up causing me a lot of hurt, though realistically I knew it would never work out due to the age difference. We were able to move past that and continue to remain very good friends, though with a little less contact. He is still one of the few people I can let my guard down around.

I guess I feel like I am being a b**** but he doesn't call me on it. We did end up watching a movie last night at my place and I was a little nervous about what would happen when the movie ended (however, I had fallen asleep at that point). He ended up going home because I had to work this morning and I have to admit that I was relieved. Why can't I just let him know how I feel about "us"? We've been hanging out/dating for 6 months and the longer it goes on, the more I realize I'm feeling just weird about it. We are not going to sleep together, that I feel sure of at this point. Argghhhhh, why don't I just grow up and set the record straight with him?

[JaneV2.0]

At the risk of sounding like I'm running a loop: follow your instincts. Always.

[try2bfrugal]

Why can't I just let him know how I feel about "us"? We've been hanging out/dating for 6 months and the longer it goes on, the more I realize I'm feeling just weird about it. We are not going to sleep together, that I feel sure of at this point. Argghhhhh, why don't I just grow up and set the record straight with him?

It seems like the kindest thing to do would be to let him know how you feel so he can move on and maybe find "the one" for him, if you know that isn't ever going to be you.

[Karma]

I would really hate for someone to be "training" me and to make plans and then cancel at the last minute without a good reason is very rude in my opinion. It is great to be different but don't use that as an excuse to rude and controlling. To be in a relationship you have to be willing to compromise not just train others to follow your ways of doing things.

I wrote the above without seeing the second page of this thread. The way you talk about your boyfriend makes you sound like a bad person, a user even if he allows it. I think you know this already, this relationship is bringing out a bad side of you and you need to get out. Let this poor guy move on as well as it is not good for either of you.

I don't think you are a bad person it is just what the relationship is bringing out in you.

[puglogic]

Being a nice guy isn't enough, just like being a nice girl isn't enough. There has to be some mutual respect, spark, something drawing you together. Sounds like you think you should be happy with the fact that he isn't an axe murderer or a sociopath. But Mutual Nice isn't enough.

With all due respect (because I DO respect you) you might find it a lot less stressful, and a lot more honorable, to find the courage to let him go, SiouzQ. Or at least be honest about the fact that you're never going to be lovers, never going to be more than movie buddies. If you don't have that conversation, you're just stringing him along, probably because you like the company, right? I understand that feeling.... wanting a part of the relationship but not the whole enchilada, but that isn't really fair to him, at least from this vantage point. Unless he feels the same way, which I kinda doubt? Sex is far too important to every man I know.

It's an uncomfortable conversation, absolutely. But most things that matter in life take that kind of growth and effort.

It's freakin' hard to do the right thing sometimes. But you'll grow new emotional muscles --- AND probably reduce the overall tension and stress in your life --- if you take a deep breath and clean this up now. There's a great power in teaching yourself to speak your truth, and it was a big self-esteem boost (for me anyway) to act with kindness, integrity, and self-love when it came to relationships, one little baby step at a time. You know there's something not right about this scenario, and you're carrying it around day in and day out, nagging at the back of your mind.

Maybe stick to being "just friends" with people who have the same idea? Anyway. Your choice, but just thought I'd throw my two cents in as a different way to approach this.

[SiouzQ.]

I surely appreciate all the different insights presented here. A weird thing has just occurred to me. *Every* single time I get into these cranky moods about not wanting to deal with men (particularly this one) seems to coincide with my monthly cycle, which is needless to say at age 51, has my hormones and mood all over the place!. How can I recognize and deal with it at the time these super-amplified negative emotions are happening? I swear I went through the same thing last month, and the one before that! It's not like I can wear a sign warning the general public that "my hormones made me do it"!

One of the reasons I find it hard to post things here is trying to articulate these thoughts and feelings is so difficult in writing to get the correct tenor of things...I think it is more of a way for me to vent and get things off my mind so I don't stew about them endlessly inside my head. What any of you read into it is fine because you are only going on the small bits of what I told you. Of course there is more to the story, as always. I do appreciate you taking the time to respond because it gives me different angles to ponder. I just don't know where it is all leading to, at any rate.