View Full Version : Feel like my friend doesn't wanna hang out with me?
Me again! Seems like I have quite some issues, lol.
So quick background: in my hometown I have 3-4-5 friends, one good friend that I used to meet up with every week, she has a serious relationship now and a fulltime new job so I understand she's busy and developing her own life.
I go to uni where I have some friends I hang out with after school, so no problems there.
So that one good friend in my hometown, I already posted about her, that we were growing apart and I was kinda stressed to talk to her about it. Well, two weeks ago we met up on a Saturday night, to talk things out and hang out like we used to. She knew something was up because another friend told her.
So I told her how I felt, she told me how she felt, she told me she would make some more effort to hang out with me, not necessarily to go out to clubs (which I don't need to do weekly or even monthly) but to come over sometimes, just go for a drink, ... So I thought it was all set, no more issues.
She asked me to a party last weekend and I went, we had a good time. This weekend I had family visiting me, so I was busy with them, but neither of us texted the other one to hang out. I saw she went out with a friend of hers (someone I don't really like and that doesn't like me) and to be honest, I felt kinda jealous, jealous that she has time for her but not for me. I know nothing is wrong with that, she does have other friends and so do I.
I texted her to hang out next saturday, but she has family visiting so she doesn't have the time. I said ok, maybe another time? She said ok. I said: let me know if you're available the weekend after that so we could hang out. But no reply.
Now the feeling is creeping up on me that she doesn't wanna hang out with me anymore and that our talk from two weeks ago meant nothing...
I think you are trying too hard. From what you've previously described, you have a casual group who likes to make decisions at the last minute. Trying to pin someone down to do something 2 weekends away is likely to alienate her. Just let it be.
For what its worth, I had a best friend in high school and we were inseparable. Until she got a boyfriend. And then she had time for him and all his friends, but none for me. Once we went off to college, we went our separate ways, although we sent letters for a while. It was clear she had moved in a different direction. I have experienced how this abandonment feels. It hurts. You are at the age where you are just discovering who you are, and what you are capable of becoming and so are all your friends. Grasping too tightly to the past keeps you from becoming all that you are possible of being, as well as keeping the people you know from being all they can be as well. It might be time to focus on you and your own interests, and in the process make some new friends who will better fit this new you.
Thank u for your reply! Yeah, two weeks from now is a bit too far away to make descent plans.. I have friends at uni, in another town, but when i lose my friends in my hometown I don't have people to hang out with during weekends and losing them will make me feel quite alone and like there is something wrong with me..
herbgeek
11-25-12, 10:50am
Yes, this is often an unfortunate part of growing up, of being in that in between place where you've lost the old friends but don't have new friends that feel as comfortable yet. Nothing wrong with you.
Hi there Diamondguy!
I really identify with a lot of what you decribe, as I know I had a lot of those feelings when I was in my twenties.. (I'm a creaky 38-year-old now)... what herbgeek says is true, I think... it's just part of life that as we grow and change some people become less present in our lives, and other people come into our lives... it can be really painful sometimes, especially when it seems like someone's giving you the cold shoulder... making new friends is always a good idea, though, even when you've got enough friends already! I hope you're keeping well!
All the best,
Lucas
Diamond_
11-25-12, 11:51am
Thanks for your advice. I'm not that good at making new friends.. I'm a girl btw ^^
Hey, I'm 58 and still wonder what happened to all my besties from high school I never saw again after graduation. It's very disconcerting, to be sure, to have friends who helped form you into who you are simply vanish or fade away. But, like others have said, it's just part of life. You move on, but still wonder from time to time. It's ok.
I know it's normal to grow apart, well, "quite normal". But it's just, we talked about it two weeks ago and already I feel like I don't matter anymore. I'm not that close with other friends in my hometown, since they have boyfriends too and jobs.
I'm thinking that you might want to work on your own insecurities and sense of worthiness/self-worth.
When I was young (in high school), I felt this way a lot particularly when my girlfriends found boyfriends. Everything became about the boyfriend, and so there was no time for me. It was frustrating, because I knew that as soon as they broke up, they would "need" me and I often felt used and hurt.
Turns out that I'm ok being alone. Instead of trying to cultivate friendships -- which is important -- I decided to focus on cultivating myself. This had multiple angles such as getting counseling, going out and trying things that I used to be upset about doing alone (ie, going to a club to dance on my own; going out to dinner on my own; going to movies/art galleries, etc on my own). Used to be there was this idea that if you were going to "go out" that you had to be with someone -- a friend or boyfriend -- but I just decided that it was bunk.
I decided it was bunk because I was missing out on things that I wanted to do because I didn't have a boyfriend or a friend to go with me.
You know what I discovered?
First, that there's a whole lot of world out there and a lot of people that I could meet. I made new friends (and being introverted, i'm not "good" at it), but sometimes I just made what I called "passing friends." There was this other lady and I who would go to all of the plays at the same time. We started out chatting, laughing together in line, etc. Then, we would see each other at the plays before and wave and come over and have a chat. We never had our relationship outside of that venue, but it was nice to have that passing connection. Other times, people did become friends -- we would get together before/after something for a bite to eat and a chat.
Second, I actually *enjoy* doing these things on my own. When I was in a phase of always going out with friends, I never got to see the movies that I wanted to see. My friends loved X kind of movies, and I like XYZABCDEFG. But we only ever saw X. Which was annoying. By going to movies on my own, I got to see movies that I wanted to see. The same with sporting events, plays, art exhibits, etc. Not everyone is interested in the diversity of things that interest me, but if I waited to go with a friend, I would miss out. So I decided to just go and live and see and do what I wanted to.
From this, I also discovered that I'm rather interesting. I discovered that I like a lot of different things, and while I may not "go deep" like some people do in a single topic, I do like to look at a diversity of topics and make connections between them. I find this really fun and interesting, and I really discovered a lot about myself.
In so doing, I was actually able to realyl design my life. Instead of worrying about whether or nt someone liked me or wanted to be with me, I knew that I was ok on my own, a lot of fun, and interesting. I know tis about myself. It's ok to know that you are a full human being with a lot to offer.
This meant, then, that if someone didn't want to hang with me, it ws "their loss." Not in a mantra sense so that I could feel better, but I was truly non-attached to them hanging out with me because I could go out and have fun on my own.
And honestly, once I had started this process, I started attracting people to me left-right-and-center. I was asked out on a lot of dates. A lot of people asked me to join them for pre/post event things.
And my life was -- and is -- very full.
Yeah, I'm married now with a kid, and I run my own business -- so I'm stupid-busy -- but I also have some time with friends, and I go and do things that I enjoy without my 'friends' because they don't enjoy these things (ie, two weekends ago I went to a movie by myself for the first time in 4 years. . . since I had the kid. . . and then I did the non-skating officiating at a roller derby bout on this past saturday. . . etc).
Truly, you'll be ok all on your own. And then you'll discover that you aren't on your own anyway.
SteveinMN
11-25-12, 5:17pm
But it's just, we talked about it two weeks ago and already I feel like I don't matter anymore.
I know you're so close to this that it's hard to see past it, but from the perspective of my age and being a veteran of many new and lapsed friendships, I'm sensing a little too much sensitivity on your side. From your original post (key statements in bold):
she told me she would make some more effort to hang out with me, not necessarily to go out to clubs (which I don't need to do weekly or even monthly) but to come over sometimes, just go for a drink, ... So I thought it was all set, no more issues.
She asked me to a party last weekend and I went, we had a good time. This weekend I had family visiting me, so I was busy with them, but neither of us texted the other one to hang out. I saw she went out with a friend of hers (someone I don't really like and that doesn't like me) and to be honest, I felt kinda jealous, jealous that she has time for her but not for me. I know nothing is wrong with that, she does have other friends and so do I.
I texted her to hang out next saturday, but she has family visiting so she doesn't have the time. I said ok, maybe another time? She said ok. I said: let me know if you're available the weekend after that so we could hang out. But no reply
You are doing okay here. You were brave enough to sit down with your best friend and tell her how you felt. She agreed to work more on getting together; that is also good. She asked you out last weekend; also good. You were busy with family visiting, she was busy the next; really no problem there. So the problem here is that you haven't heard back from her about plans for two weeks out, in a social group that, as herbgeek mentioned and as you've told us before, is not much on planning far ahead.
It might be wise to step back a little and put yourself in your friend's shoes. Does the interaction seem needy or even a little desperate to you? Here's something else to consider: your friend may be having just as tough a time negotiating her time as you are. She has a boyfriend now. I have no idea how serious she is with this guy, but I'm guessing that at your ages, it's a pretty big deal, and she may or may not be doing a good job of maintaining who she is in the face of who this guy is and who he wants her to be.
I don't want to seem like I'm dismissing your situation. I have always found it difficult to make friends, especially since I moved around a lot all the way through university. I've been here in Minnesota for the last 25+ years, but I'm still waaaaaay behind most other Minnesotans my age, who have lived here all their lives. And I'm pretty careful about who I let all the way in, if you know what I mean. But you may want to consider whether your reactions to this particular situation, in the light of everything that is new to you and your hometown friends, is worth the level of anxiety it is generating in you.
I'm thinking that you might want to work on your own insecurities and sense of worthiness/self-worth.
Truly, you'll be ok all on your own. And then you'll discover that you aren't on your own anyway.
Thank you for your answer! You're so right! I'm just afraid of doing things on my own (I do go shopping on my own and I would go to the movies alone) because other people might think I have no friends.
But did you go to clubs and bars on your own? How did you "handle" that? Because where I go out, everybody is in friendgroups and comes together with other people and I might stand out...
@ SteveinMN: Thank you so much for your answer too! You're right. I'm "freaking out" over making plans for a weekend that is like 12-13 days away with someone who makes plans the last minute... Thanks for putting it in perspective!
I just went. It's easy enough. You go in, you pay the fee, and that's that.
Truthfully, most people are there to meet someone -- particularly of their desired sexual preferences. Thus, going there as a 'lone' girl was a good option because it always meant that I had dance partners. Lots and lots of dance partners. And lots of people wanting to buy me drinks. Usually, lots. And lots of phone numbers at the end of the evening. I didn't drink, so I would just ask for bottled water (unopened from the bar) as my beverage of choice, and then I'd go out and dance some more. It was fun.
Honestly, I tend to get along with men better than women. I have few female friends, and it's always been like that for me. I am direct and open with people -- men and women alike -- but i find that women are often in such strict competition with everyone that. . . well, they get in their own way trying to compete with each other, or find the "best" guy in the club/whatever, that they miss out on REAL FUN which can be had with all kinds of people of all ages and walks of life.
I remember this one night, I went to this one club. . . I'm so dating myself with this. . . but it was before Marilyn Manson was popular (just before they hit it big), and they were going to play at this one club in town, right? So, I go before they are set to play and there's just a DJ there playing, and I knew the club owner (becuase I was there, by my self, all the time). So anyway, it was a private party for a local tattoo artist, but they let me in anyway.
So here I am, this very . . . you know, straight laced looking "normal" girl. No punky hair. No piercings at that time (i have some now), and no funky clothes (i still dress basically the same which my mother calls a sort of "european classic" and she's right really. I fit in in europe when i'm there). And so I'm there with all of the punky, funky people and the music is going, right?
And I just am like "**** it, i'm dancing." There was no one else dancing, but you know, the music was good, so I was like, seriously, what is up with this.
And I rock up to this guy, who is like tats and piercings and mohawk and it was green tipped and I walk right up to him and said "I think it's ****ing stupid that no one is dancing. Lets go." And he just grins at me like nobody's business and. . . turns out the dude could *dance*. He taught me some moves (great lead, btw) in terms of some west coast swing -- but the music was pure dance/house stuff from the early 1990s. You probably don't even remember it. . . anyway, that's what it was, but the beat was the same, so who cares?
I think we danced the whole time, and then he said he was staying on to watch MM and I was like "yah, never heard of them, can you dance do it?" and that made him laugh a fair bit -- giggle more like -- and he went over to see if he could pay for my ticket, and bought me a sandwich, too, since we had been dancing so long, and I told him I was glad I brought my music-listening ear plugs (that stuff is perpetually too freaking loud), and that sent him into right fits of uncontrollable giggling. But there's no point in damaging my hearing! LOL
Anyway, this guy -- turns out his name was matthew and he was an engineering major. I have no clue what ever happened to him, but we went dancing A LOT for another year. We never dated, which looking back seems really weird, but we sure as heck enjoyed each other's company for a whole year. And after that. . . or really since then. . .I'd not seen him again. I guess he graduated.
But, that's just one of many cool stories to come out of my wanderings.
You know. I haven't thought about matthew in a long, long time. I hope he's out there in the world, doing well.
Wauw, that must take some guts! I just imagine, if I go into a club by myself, people will stare at me and think: "aww, poor girl, she doesn't have any friends" and I'll just sit by the bar on my own, too ashamed to go dancing since I would feel like "billy no mates".
But your stories are giving me some thoughts that it might not be like that, I usually don't get approached (not by sober people) so I could give it a shot once, if I really wanna go somewhere... Thanks!
Here's a good thing to remember: most of the time, no one is thinking about you.
Seriously, i know it's weird, but think about how you think. If you go to a club with your friend, do you even notice if someone else is there without a friend? And if you were to notice that, would you sit around and feel sorry for the person? Or make fun of them? Or go up and go "hey, how's it going? are you new in town?" (particularly if you live in a small town and don't know them and stuff). Of course, you'd probably do the last one, right? Most people will.
Here's a good thing to remember: most of the time, no one is thinking about you.
Seriously, i know it's weird, but think about how you think. If you go to a club with your friend, do you even notice if someone else is there without a friend? And if you were to notice that, would you sit around and feel sorry for the person? Or make fun of them? Or go up and go "hey, how's it going? are you new in town?" (particularly if you live in a small town and don't know them and stuff). Of course, you'd probably do the last one, right? Most people will.
True, a lot of times I think: "oh no, what will other people think?" but 99% of the time, they don't think anything and if they do, I shouldn't give a monkey's arse, should I?
Alright, thanks! :D
Diamond.....the best advice I ever received was that I had to become my own best friend! No other person will be there for me except myself and if I was OK with myself, then the heck with everyone else!
Maybe it is time to rethink going to bars? Not sure how old you are but there are so many other things to do. If your friend doesn't have time for you because her life has changed maybe you need to let go. Make new friends, take up a new hobby, learn to enjoy doing things on your own, find out what your interests really are and take some classes or something. Your friend is growing and changing maybe this is a cue that you should do the same.
I had something similar happen when I was much younger and it really hurt and tears were shed but it helped me move on to find out who I really was. I now follow my own drum and not someone else's. Turns out I wasn't as dependent on that other person as I thought I was. You will find your own life if you just look at this as an opportunity and not just feel sorry for yourself!
SteveinMN
11-26-12, 10:36am
I just imagine, if I go into a club by myself, people will stare at me and think: "aww, poor girl, she doesn't have any friends" and I'll just sit by the bar on my own, too ashamed to go dancing since I would feel like "billy no mates".
But your stories are giving me some thoughts that it might not be like that
Speaking from the other side of the gender divide, 1) it's much easier for a guy to approach a girl/woman who is not in a pair or a larger group; and 2) I admire girls/women who feel good enough about themselves to go to a club or party or shopping or a volunteer event by themselves. There are guys who have problems with independent or smart women. I'm not one of them (or maybe I should say I wasn't -- I'm not "in the market" anymore :))
Diamond_
11-26-12, 11:15am
This all is great advice! Thank you! I'm really starting to feel better :D
Diamond... I married at 19 and had 3 kids, and its only in these last few years (i'm 51, kids gone) that I'm learning to love doing things alone. My husband sometimes works evenings and weekends, and only in the last few years have I gone to movies, museums, festivals, restaurants alone. It's a completely different and fun experience. I love spending time with my DH, but I'm just as happy in a different way to think only of what I want.
Don't wait til you are my age to learn this.
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