Am I becoming an antisocial curmudgeon?

[frugalone]

The first thing I should tell you is that I was never a "hail hail the gang's all here" type. When I was little, my mom thought it was weird that I could not deal with more than one playmate at a time.
As I grew older, I was shunned and bullied in high school, and hung out mostly by myself on weekends. I never had a group of friends I hung out with. SO and I never really have been the types to have other couples to dinner, or meet up with them and go to the movies, etc.

I belong to a book group of about 8 ladies, and while I always think I want to get together with them, when the day of the actual meeting happens, I usually skip out. At times, I am lonely, and I think "I have no friends." I do have several online pen pals, as well as snail mail pen pals.

Here's a perfect e.g. of what happened this week. My friend Katie and I made tentative plans for me to visit her today. This was on Sunday. She always wants me to stay the night, tho I don't know why--I am perfectly capable of driving 20 miles at night alone after an evening out. Wednesday, I called her and left her a voice mail saying "do you still want to get together Friday? Please email me and let me know." I didn't hear from her till today--when I checked my email she had emailed me late last night and then texted me today. In the meantime, my mood has shifted a bit and I am feeling kind of antisocial. And annoyed, frankly, because she always does this thing of getting in touch with me "the day of". I told her I had a stomach ache and begged off.

Because you know what? I would rather go to the craft store and get materials for a holiday item I am making. Since I've started working full time, I feel like I am "on parole" or "shore leave" for the measly two days I get off every week. And I'm very, very protective of my spare time. Maybe this is saying something: Like I just don't find her company enjoyable enough to give up part of my day off?

Or, am I turning into an antisocial curmudgeon in my late 40s?

Why do I THINK I want to hang out with friends, and then when it comes down to it, I don't?

[Mrs-M]

You sound exactly just like me, a homebody (through and through). :) I am perfectly content with being at home seven days a week. Home, is where my heart is.

To add, my love of being at home, doing what I do best, is definitely becoming more acute the older I get.

[bunnys]

If the activities Katie wants to engage in are not ones you want to do, you shouldn't ever do them with her. But if you do like her and want to spend time with her, you should find other fun things to do @ your house and be welcoming if she wants to spend the night.

I totally understand not wanting to go out. I have felt this way a lot for the past year. I'm not agoraphobic or anything, I just would rather remain at home.

But if you are lonely, you should probably try to cultivate more friendships where you can engage in activities you like doing.

If you usually bail out on the book club, you probably don't actually like it. If you did, you'd get there.

[larknm]

I used to be much more social, as was DH, but together we're not except with each other and our animals. I felt better about this when I read Sydney Poitier saying he likes being alone and doesn't see anything wrong with it and his mother was like that too. I don't think it's curmudgeonly.

[Jilly]

Not antisocial.
Not a curmudgeon.
You have a lot going on in your life right now, and even though this is not a brand new issue for you, I think, from the body of your work here, that you might...just my own sort of guessing opinion...that the people within your sphere of influence are more than willing to let you be the responsible person.
Or, I could just be full of you-know-what.

Go get some craft stuff. Have fun. Go places if you like or stay home and have fun making stuff from stuff.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I belong to a book group of about 8 ladies, and while I always think I want to get together with them, when the day of the actual meeting happens

maybe you just don't enjoy the book group activity


Here's a perfect e.g. of what happened this week. My friend Katie and I made tentative plans for me to visit her today. This was on Sunday. She always wants me to stay the night, tho I don't know why--I am perfectly capable of driving 20 miles at night alone after an evening out.

You might be more willing to hang out if you set some boundaries on it. Like hanging out is hanging out for a couple of hours, not the whole night. So that everything didn't have to become HUGE COMMITMENT.


Wednesday, I called her and left her a voice mail saying "do you still want to get together Friday? Please email me and let me know." I didn't hear from her till today--when I checked my email she had emailed me late last night and then texted me today. In the meantime, my mood has shifted a bit and I am feeling kind of antisocial. And annoyed, frankly, because she always does this thing of getting in touch with me "the day of". I told her I had a stomach ache and begged off.

So you think of her partly as that woman who always decides everything on the last day, and she probably thinks of you partly as that woman who always flakes out. :~)


Since I've started working full time, I feel like I am "on parole" or "shore leave" for the measly two days I get off every week. And I'm very, very protective of my spare time.

Oh I do know the feeling, I know it well. There are introverted things this introvert has a deep need to do on their time off as well, plus you know ordinary chore things to get ready for the next week. The best one can do is seek balance. I do think it's worthwhile to make time for friends, but it doesn't mean I don't need some alone time too.


Maybe this is saying something: Like I just don't find her company enjoyable enough to give up part of my day off?

Well but that's always 50-50, a relationship is generallly at least 50% what you put into it.

[SteveinMN]

As I've mentioned in other posts, I am a capital-I Introvert. I love -- in fact, need -- time to myself. In fact, making sure I got that time was a critical discussion point with my now-wife. To my great relief, she needs that kind of time, too.

frugalone, your recent posts indicate that you are under a fair amount of stress at the moment. Working 40+ hours a week (plus prep and commute time) doesn't help either, since it leaves you little time for activities which recharge you. I find nothing unusual about jealously guarding the free time you have, especially in times of stress.

But rather than face the same situations (book club, visits with Katie) over and over, maybe it's time to tell both of them that you need to take a break -- that you're busy at work and for the holidays or just that you need a few months off. Tell them you'll get back in touch with them after that. By then you'll know if you want to pick up on those activities again. Maybe you will, in which case you'll make plans. Or you won't, and you'll let the book club and/or Katie know that you enjoyed the time together but it's time for you to do something else.

frugalone, I'm no psychologist and I did not even stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night :) -- and not to be harsh about it -- but your posts describe someone who seems to expend a lot of emotional energy pushing yourself to do things you believe people want you to do -- and then suffers the emotional effects of that. Maybe a good project for your time away from these gatherings would be to consider if that observation is accurate and if the situation bothers you enough to marshal your energy to change it.

[Dhiana]

I agree w/SteveinMN...

You sound like a perfectly normal introvert like many of us here on the boards. I don't see our traits as being antisocial, which to me is a nefarious tearing down of social structure, but those who are simply less social or socialize with others in a slightly different way than extroverts.

I prefer to visit with my friends in a restaurant or coffee shop instead of their home or mine. There is always the expectation that you should bring something and much more difficult to leave especially if they pressure you to stay overnight. Meet your friend halfway if possible in a setting more comfortable to you.

[Tammy]

I love meeting people at a restaurant. Every time there are plans to meet in either their home or mine, I sort of dread it. Even if its sort of fun .... I'm so much more introverted the last few years. My job is 50 hours with people nonstop. And now the kids are moved out. Those 2 things together, and I just love my time alone.

[Lainey]

I think it's almost natural as we age to cut down on social activity. That said, I think it's dangerous to rely almost completely on your SO/Spouse/Adult kids to provide for your socializing needs, even as small as they may be. Especially for women since we are most likely to age alone because we are statistically more likely to outlive our SO/Spouses, it can be a shock to wake up after they've passed and realize no one else may even be wondering where you are for weeks.

I'm a believer that one component of successful aging is a life outside the home - even on an irregular basis - with others whose company you enjoy. Could be church, bridge club, retiree club, golfing buddies, volunteer group, whatever. It keeps you engaged in life.

I get the introvert nature, I really do, because I'm on the cusp of it. Many times I second-guess following through with plans I made to go to an event or outing, but 95% of the time I'm really glad I did it. So for me, it's just a little mental push to get in the car and drive there, then I'm okay. And in thinking about this, I've realized that most of the friends I have today are those I met from doing exactly these things - if I had stayed home, it would have been my loss.

[pony mom]

Homebody here too. As Lainey mentioned above, sometimes it's a huge deal to make yourself go and do something but afterwards you're glad you did.

My coworkers will be meeting at someone's house for a holiday party. I really don't want to spend time with these people; the only thing I have in common with them is that we work at the same place. They know me too well--my name was left off the sign-up sheet!

A friend of mine is always inviting me to her home for a meal or to watch a movie after work on Saturdays. It's the end of my workweek and I just want to go home, or better yet, ride my horse before going home. She lives close to work, but about 45 minutes away from home, so I try to get out of going there on my days off.

When she invites me over for a movie, she yawns quite loudly throughout and says she's sooo tired. What am I supposed to think? Should I go home early before the end of the movie? Am I keeping her up? She even claims exhaustion during a phone call. Perhaps I'm just really boring company?

Being at home doing nothing in particular is usually more appealing to me than going out into the unknown.

[Polliwog]

I have no problem being home alone and just enjoying my freedom to do whatever I choose. Some people cannot be alone for an hour and that is a problem as I see it. I agree with Lainey as well - it's important to push oneself a little bit in order to keep friendships going. What I really do not enjoy is just superficial chit-chat with a bunch of people. It just wears me down. I love stimulating conversations about books and social issues, etc. But when I was working full time I was much more inclined to stay at home after work and on weekends just to gather myself.

[ToomuchStuff]

It sounds as though you were never an extrovert, why would you consider that antisocial now? Just sounds like your going a different direction/different values then those who are/were in your "circle".

[frugalone]

Hmm...was I ever an extrovert? I don't know how to answer that. When I was a child, I was always talking to anyone and everyone about stuff. Used to talk to strange dogs on the way home from the bus stop. I still talk to squirrels and wild animals sometimes. I used to be told I was too "loud" and too "pushy" and "too big for my britches." Maybe after enough putdowns, one becomes an introvert.

@Jilly, you are not full of you-know-what...!

[Polliwog]

Are we born to be introverted or extroverted? Or is this learned?

[rosarugosa]

I tend towards introversion and I like being a homebody. On the other hand, I do like people, and when I push myself to do something social, I am usually glad that I did after the fact. I think I would hate a life that was a relentless barrage of social activities, but that I am the better for participating in society some of the time.

[JaneV2.0]

I think it's mostly inherent, judging by the way it shakes out in my family. Also, I think even the most introverted of us are slightly less so in our young adulthood, probably for the good of the species.

[pony mom]

frugalone, I talk wild animals all the time too! Just today I saw a few deer while riding my horse and told them to stay near the houses because open shotgun season starts now. Poor things.

[Rogar]

Are we born to be introverted or extroverted? Or is this learned?

I've read a couple of books on introversion that seem to think it is in part biological. I forget the details, but something to do with the way we produce serotonin maybe.

My take is that it's important to have someone who a person can share a laugh or problem with occasionally. Married folks conveniently have their spouse. Us single people sometimes have to extend ourselves to connect with people. I'm a basic introvert and there are times when my first reaction to a social invitation or event is to say no, but sometimes bite the bullet and push myself to get out. Generally, I end up regretting big social situations but also end up enjoying smaller and more intimate meetups with just one or a couple of people. Sometimes I just say no.