View Full Version : how do you feel about having no/very limited friends
Hi all, I struggle with depression and have for many years. Over the last 6+ months I had a few friendships that needed to end go ahead and end. That is fine but I am left with 2 in-state friends and one out of state friend, no SO and the friends in state are not available even once a month. I call these friends fairly regularily, one almost never calls back but has chronic issues and does not really want help. This weekend I decided to not really call and I talked to my mom once and my sister once and that was all. I go to church often twice on Sunday and my kids are mostly grown up but at home, still meeting someone for coffee or dinner happens maybe 2-3 times a year.
Basically I am evaluating if I am situationally slightly depressed or if it is a change in meds needed. No one here is responsible for a deep medical diagnoses! I just want to know how others do with this. We tend to be introverts here however even the counselor I had really did not understand the depth of my general isolation, and very possibly this is a big deal. (and yes I keep trying new things and going to groups, spanish class and meditation and church).
iris lily
12-3-12, 12:12pm
Hi all, I struggle with depression and have for many years. Over the last 6+ months I had a few friendships that needed to end go ahead and end. That is fine but I am left with 2 in-state friends and one out of state friend, no SO and the friends in state are not available even once a month. I call these friends fairly regularily, one almost never calls back but has chronic issues and does not really want help. This weekend I decided to not really call and I talked to my mom once and my sister once and that was all. I go to church often twice on Sunday and my kids are mostly grown up but at home, still meeting someone for coffee or dinner happens maybe 2-3 times a year.
Basically I am evaluating if I am situationally slightly depressed or if it is a change in meds needed. No one here is responsible for a deep medical diagnoses! I just want to know how others do with this. We tend to be introverts here however even the counselor I had really did not understand the depth of my general isolation, and very possibly this is a big deal. (and yes I keep trying new things and going to groups, spanish class and meditation and church).
It sounds to me as though you are out and about rather a lot, and that's a good thing! Now, I know that socializing through meditation or Spanish class etc. is not the same as having a deep friendship or two, but even those who are completely mentally healthy have a hard time finding deep friendships. They are just hard to find, and they take time to nurture.
In other words, it seems to me, from the superficial bit that I know of your life, that you have good social contacts and from there can find some friends.
Two sets of friends have moved away over the past ten years and we still miss them. We have a large social circle, but only a few are really close. They have not been replaced, but here is potential from a group that we already know.
Okay so what do you do when this is not working? It has been quite a few years, and I have asked people to do things and tried dating sites for awhile (strange people, some I chatted with were quite impressed I was basically a stable person). So I get along with my aloneness, but yeah...
I am pretty introverted but also wish i had more friends. I think it is hard to make really good friends as an adult -- especially when you have work and family responsibilities thrown in there, too. I have made a real concerted effort to try to be more social, both going out and inviting people over. Have had some great times, but still have relatively little consistent interaction with people, even people I like a lot and have a lot in common with. Everyone is so busy, and I try really hard not to overschedule our weekends because I really get stressed out if I don't have a lot of down time. I've had things going on with people every weekend for the last month, for example, and now I am EXHAUSTED -- need a weekend by myself to recharge, basically.
Sorry I can't offer more advice -- haven't found a good system for dealing with this myself. What seems to be helping me feel less down about it is that I know I am making an effort. I have things like "have an in-person social interaction with a friend or potential friend once a month" on my goals list for the year. Sounds kind of clinical, but I find that putting things on the list keeps it in my mind as something I need to pay attention to and follow up with. I have been a lot happier since I started making a concerted effort to see people more after putting things like this on the goals list.
Gardenarian
12-3-12, 6:14pm
Are you sure these close friendships are tied to your unhappiness?
I think it's important, necessary, to have a community to share with, the good and the bad.
But the whole BFF thing - eh. I don't need the drama. I have a dog.
I agree it can be difficult to make close friends as an adult. Everyone's life is different and has different time demands - work, kids of different ages and needs, elderly parents in some cases, spouses who travel for work, exes in some cases, mental or physical health issues.... etc etc -- everything takes up time and results in different schedules. I met the close friends that I have through common interests and activities (in some cases that's kids of the same age). My friends are tremendously important to me - they are my family here, as my relatives live 2000 miles away. But my remote friends, with whom I mostly communicate by email, are also an important support network.
It sounds like you're getting out and about and finding groups in which you might locate friends, so I would guess you just have to keep trying.
I agree with Rosemary: it's hard to make new friends as an adult. Unless you are lucky enough to work with like-minded souls, or you are in school, or some other activity, really, where are you supposed to meet people?
It's great that you are joining groups. I don't think there's anything wrong, per se, with having a small amount of friends. I can probably count on one hand the friends I can, well, count on!
It is true that others are deeply involved in their own lives. Sometimes I wonder if not having kids was a mistake, because if my friends are not involved with their kids, now it's their grandkids they're hanging out with.
Sorry I don't have anything earth-shaking to say on this subject.
I think you should think about what you feel you are missing that friends can provide.
Just throwing some examples out there:
- to get out of your own house
- to share meals with
- to vent
- to have someone to help out
- to have someone to help you out
- to discuss philosophy
- to discuss work
etc etc
If you picture yourself having more friends, what do the friends look like to you? - what type of people, I mean. What do you do with them? Does this improve your life? How so?
I'm just wondering if there is a specific issue you are trying to address, and friends has become the focus of your search. And also there are many different types of friends. I really only have 2 really close friends and 1 is my husband. Then my parents and sister are fairly close friends. Then the closer co-worker friends. Then the more acquaintance co-workers. And then the people I have to socialize with who I really don't like much - certain in-laws. And then random people in life situations.As an introvert I really don't feel the need for more friends than that. But I'm really happy with myself and my life and don't have depression issues. When my circumstances were different I think I had more of the friend/socializing longing that you describe.
awakenedsoul
12-3-12, 9:05pm
I've just met a new friend through our Fiber Arts Group at the library. I'm 48, and she's only 20. She's really sweet. I invited her to come knit with me on Sundays. I've noticed that girls that age seem to like to talk with me. Most of my friends are now moms, and too busy for friendship anymore. (We were close in our twenties.) I've just started looking to where I can be of service. I help the new people learn to knit and crochet. I give homegrown produce to my neighbors. One woman is a horse vet, and I enjoy chatting with her when I pass by in the mornings. I also have a couple of penpals in The Netherlands that I keep in touch with through letters and email. I have found it harder to make friends at this age, too. I'm kind of in the Bible belt of CA, so that makes it difficult. (I'm more drawn to Eastern techniques and beliefs.) I'm thinking of signing up my dog for a dog agility class. That would be a good place to meet other dog lovers...
Laser_Cat
12-3-12, 10:47pm
I'm in my 30s and I have to agree. It's really hard to make new friends when you get this age, couple that with moving to a new city and you find yourself in a hurry to try to make new friends. Yet, everyone around me seems to be married or has kids, and they really don't have time to hang out or talk or anything. I have had some success though just planning things and inviting co-workers to come along. I plan a restaurant night, once a month and I normally can get a decent group going to that. The only other advice I can give is try to forge those friendships wherever you can. Co-workers, meetup groups, classes or volunteering. I know sometimes it's hard to get out and do those things when you have a busy schedule but I think you'll find when you get there it will be well worth it.
I agree with what the above posters have said, it is difficult but doable when you know what you're looking for.
Quality over quantity is really important here.
You can't force a true friendship, it's there or it isn't.
It sounds like you are doing many of the right things to meet someone, I advise patience most of all to find the right person with whom you can be friends.
The best way to have a friend is to be a friend :)
I am an introvert with an extrovert job.
I have friends -- I enjoy them, but do not see them often. I am ridiculously busy, and as such, I'm not a great friend. BUT, if a person needs me (grief, etc), then I go out of my way to be present for them in some fashion. Otherwise, I let "limited contact" or whatever they design to be how things roll out. And for most of my friends, that's fine.
I do not find it terribly difficult to make new friends, really, and moving to another country was an interesting experiment in that. Turns out because of my extroverted job, I've learned to "pass" as an extrovert. It's interesting. Anyway, I did make several friends though my son (two actually), and most have been through hobbies (the "welly moot" or lord of the rings discusison group, which is hilarious. don't ask me how. well, it's all very hobbit-like. adorable. i love these people!) or through work (meeting other people in the healing arts).
Ultimately, it's all good. I don't feel depressed about ahving only a few friends, and I do get to see them relatively frequently more or less. Probably less than once a month, but still all good. Yeah.
Wildflower
12-4-12, 4:26am
I'm an introvert and am really close with my DH and family. It has always been hard for me to include anyone else in my world and moreso lately due to health problems. I used to worry about my lack of friends, but I am very social and talk to people when I'm out. I just don't feel the need for a BFF. Haven't since high school.
Thank you all for understanding. I think I don't have a need for a BFF deal really, but I know what I am looking for. Someone to meet for lunch or dinner 1-2 times a month. I acutally think I went to my counselor longer than I needed to in order to get that level of social interaction. I have oolder kids which can be good but they often go off at the last minute but still I need to be reasonably available just in case for my son who is 15.
I may look for a drop in crochet/knit group. I found out about one craft group but the leader comes with a preplanned craft. Could be good but I haven't gone yet.
I felt this way when my kids were teenagers because they don't want to hang out with you anymore but you can't just be gone all the time either. I'm feeling this way now as my closest friend won't return my phone calls. Apparently she's mad because I told her to stop dwelling on the past. If I can't express my opinion then it's not a very geniune friendship. Anyway it's upsetting me a lot. I'm thinking the whole bff thing is too much drama at age 50.
I find it's hard to make and keep friends when you have small children. I'm fairly introverted, so my pool of friends has always been small, but with kids and a family, there's no one, really, that I share a deep friendship with outside my family. Sometimes I just wish I had someone I could meet for coffee a couple of times a month. I used to be part of an at-home-dad's group, but we've all moved on to having jobs, (and some have divorced and/or moved away).
I think I long for having an extroverted component to my personality, where I would call people regularly and ask them to meet down at the coffee shop -- I have plenty of people who I could do that with, so I guess they're friends -- but it's not in my nature to reach out.
I am working on the friend thing myself. I had good friends when I lived elsewhere but the odd nature of my last few years has meant friendship has been hard. But I am more settled now and working on developing contacts some of whom will become friends. So far only a couple of people whom I feel I could call to go for coffee or something but that is more than none. In a small town and in my line of work (therapist) there are some limiting factors anyway, beyond my own introversion and desperate need for time without people who need my attention.
DH and I have both identified our respective and joint social lives as areas for development for a couple of years. So we try to entertain a little bit, very informally, and we try to NOT send regrets when we might because our stated goal is to increase frequency of social contacts, with a hope that the quality will be there too.
Sounds like all the same situation here. I did get a call from my local friend and we are meeting for lunch today. Apparently she had carpal tunnel surgery and I didn't know. So now she can meet up but I may have to cut her food. My other friend is in another high drama situation, I talked to her but it is so difficult. I know that she does not see it and she cannot see how she is part of things, but the best thing I could tell her was to apply for disability to quit working or else she was getting so worn out she will die from her cancer. We've had this talk many other times.
I got invited to a christmas party as well! It is tonight and I have had 3 children in 3 days go home from after school programs with fevers. So i am not sure if I am feeling sick or not.
Thank you all for understanding. I think I don't have a need for a BFF deal really, but I know what I am looking for. Someone to meet for lunch or dinner 1-2 times a month. I acutally think I went to my counselor longer than I needed to in order to get that level of social interaction. I have oolder kids which can be good but they often go off at the last minute but still I need to be reasonably available just in case for my son who is 15.
I may look for a drop in crochet/knit group. I found out about one craft group but the leader comes with a preplanned craft. Could be good but I haven't gone yet.
You should check out www.meetup.com as they have many many activies and groups that you may be interested in. And out of those groups and activities you may meet someone(s) who turn into the kind of close friendships you seem to want. And even if they don't, you can meet many wonderful people who share the same interests as you do and have something to do, and people to do it with, every single day of the week! I have met many people who I do things with thru meet ups or other types of things like community classes (besides recreation classes they have arts and craft classes and everything you can think of undeer the sun!), running or other sports clubs, etc... Places like the Sierra Club for hikes and volunteer activities as well as social get togethers for dinners, dancing, movies, etc... Pretty much anything you can think of is out there for you (especially in Denver area). So try them.
And also look at yourself and decide exactly what kind of friendships you are looking for. Do you just want people who you can do things/activites with, or are you looking for a deeper connection? I know many people casually, and do many things with them, but I don't really have those deep social or intimate connections with anyone right now (other then my sister I guess) and I don't really want them at this time. So I am good with my casual gettogether for sports and activities , with maybe a dinner or drinks afterwards, with groups of friends or individuals that I do things with, but really don't want to any intimate conversations or closeness. Those are probably harder to find and take time to develop I believe.
Also don't exclude men as friends. Most of my friends - platonic, non-romantic and never will be romantic, people I hang out with and do activities with - are male. I enjoy their company, have more in common with them and, to be honest, don't feel like I have to watch my P's and Q's quite as much as I do with some women friends who are more sensitive (I am a bit rough around the edges sometimes :-)!). So don't jsut look at males as romantic companions and disregard them as friends. They can be as great of friends as females can be.
I find it's hard to make and keep friends when you have small children. I'm fairly introverted, so my pool of friends has always been small, but with kids and a family, there's no one, really, that I share a deep friendship with outside my family. Sometimes I just wish I had someone I could meet for coffee a couple of times a month. I used to be part of an at-home-dad's group, but we've all moved on to having jobs, (and some have divorced and/or moved away).
I think I long for having an extroverted component to my personality, where I would call people regularly and ask them to meet down at the coffee shop -- I have plenty of people who I could do that with, so I guess they're friends -- but it's not in my nature to reach out.
The beauty about meet up types of groups or other clubs is that you can be both an introvert (like me) when you want and anextrovert (sometimes like me) when you want without hurting anyones feelings. You can take part in as much or as little of the activities as you want, but when your don't want to be involved, you don't have to be. No telling friends - "I vant to be alone!" - and risk hurting their feelings. It's sort of the best of both worlds. I personally don't enjoy all the deep conversations or talking about feelings or issues that often come with deep one on one friendships, most of the time I don't even want to talk (helps that I'm pretty deaf!) but like to do things with others and share activities, so these things are perfect for someone like me.
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Also don't exclude men as friends. Most of my friends - platonic, non-romantic and never will be romantic, people I hang out with and do activities with - are male. I enjoy their company, have more in common with them and, to be honest, don't feel like I have to watch my P's and Q's quite as much as I do with some women friends who are more sensitive (I am a bit rough around the edges sometimes :-)!). So don't jsut look at males as romantic companions and disregard them as friends. They can be as great of friends as females can be.
The problem with that is that one party is generally less interested in a platonic friendship than the other, in my experience. I do agree about having to constantly edit oneself in conversations with (most) females. And I'm not just talking about baby picture diplomacy...
The problem with that is that one party is generally less interested in a platonic friendship than the other, in my experience. I do agree about having to constantly edit oneself in conversations with (most) females. And I'm not just talking about baby picture diplomacy...
Yeah that's a possibility but most (if not all) the guys I know are happily married aor have GF's and don't seem interested in other women too much -well at least not me :-)! It helps too to hang out with groups of people that include both genders - or just a group of guys (if you can handle all the bleching and farting that is :-)!). So far I've never had a proble with an guy friend wanting more. Probably says more about me then them :-)!
try2bfrugal
12-16-12, 1:49am
I would second the clubs / meetup groups and also reading books like How to Make Friends and Influence People and Conversationally Speaking, then practice, practice, practice everything you read in the books in your clubs and meetup groups. The people we know with the most friends are nice and also belong to a lot of different clubs and social groups. One couple we know would throw parties and they had name tags where you would also put what club or social organization you knew them from - bridge, mountain biking, charity work, etc.
I feel different ways about it at different times. I have friends, but the human ones aren't where we can see each other and have long in-person chats. That I miss. My other friends are the dogs and birds to whom DH and I are guardians,and DH himself--these are as valuable or more so than people.
I second Dhiana's comment of 'quality over quantity'.
Most of my close friends have moved away for one reason or another and although we still keep in touch, it's no substitute for being able to see one another regularly.
As a result, I really have only two close friends left in this area (and one I rarely see because she lives out in the sticks and has a baby). I really miss the days of having big dinners or games nights together with everyone... but then again, I'm moving into a new phase of my life that is more focused on family, as are some of my friends.
I'm constantly trying to be content with only really having one close friend locally (I do socialise with colleagues, but it's not quite the same), but it's difficult. Her partner has a large group of very close friends and they've become her friends also, so I often feel like I'm some kind of lame-o for only having her. My partner's friends have also dispersed (and he's my friend too, obviously!!), but it bothers me more than it bothers him!
Although things like meetup.com allow you to meet people with similar interests, it can still be pretty daunting to meet 20 new people all at once. This is why I don't attend these types of things anymore. I find it too draining to do all that godforsaken small talk.
Blackdog Lin
12-23-12, 10:23am
UUGGG. Small talk! The introvert's absolute bane of modern existence. Loathe it.
Thinking about it, that's probably why I don't have many friends. The three good friends I have are old friends, as in we go way way back. I could probably make new friends, but that requires getting to know someone, which requires new social situations, which requires conversation and chitchat and small talk, which is too draining to even think about, let alone do.
The problem with that is that one party is generally less interested in a platonic friendship than the other
Yeah, you're right on that one, Jane.
Yeah, you're right on that one, Jane.
I guess I should clarify a bit. I wasn't talking about intimate one on one get togethers with a guy friend - especially a married one - but more of a casual hanging out kind of thing. For example, if Zoe Girl likes to bike ride and doesn't have anyone to do that with, then she should look for like-minded people, including guys, to become friends with and share that activity. I have found that some of my interests (and I know I'm stereo typing here and hate to do that but...) are often interests men have more so then my female friends. I can rarely, if ever, get one of my female friends to go to a horror or sci-fi movie with me. The women I know just aren't into that. But I have a couple of guy friends who I ride bikes with, and we all go the see bad sci-fi and horror movies together as a group. So if you aren't looking for a deep, intimate girl-talking kind of friendship but instead just people who share your interests and activities, then don't discount making friends with guys just cause they're...guys!
good ideas. I have to say that it has improved. Things usually improve right after I have some mini-vent/breakdown. So my goal for the new year is to do one thing with a friend once a week about. So far I have had lunch with one friend, dinner with my sister (she counts) and went out for drinks with 2 coworkers over the last few weeks. I do sitting meditation which is a bit harder to make friends. I have had zero luck on getting anyone to hike with me over the years. I have seen meetup groups for hiking and other things that could help. I think that would be more guys.
good ideas. I have to say that it has improved. Things usually improve right after I have some mini-vent/breakdown. So my goal for the new year is to do one thing with a friend once a week about. So far I have had lunch with one friend, dinner with my sister (she counts) and went out for drinks with 2 coworkers over the last few weeks. I do sitting meditation which is a bit harder to make friends. I have had zero luck on getting anyone to hike with me over the years. I have seen meetup groups for hiking and other things that could help. I think that would be more guys.
Also look at the Sierra Club for hikes. I think you're in Colorado and I imagine that they have a big branch there and, if it's like here in Calif, they have tons and tons of sponsered hikes almost everyday of the week and at every level - and no it's not all guys but a good mix of genders and all ages too. And you don't have to be a member and the hikes, and most of their other activities besides their trips, don't cost anything. Alo look at other types of outdoors clubs. Places like REI and other outdoor and recreational stores list all sorts of clubs and activities you can take part in.
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