View Full Version : Stepson working but not paying board. Shouldn't he?
Hi there, it's my first time posting on here. I read other people's posts and decided it would be nice to have an opinion on my specific situation. My stepson has been working fulltime since April 2010 since not going back to school. He's 21. He makes good money. His dad wanted to give him a year to decide for sure what he wanted to do. Now it has been a year and 8 months. Husband finally asked him to start paying board starting September 1 of this year. I found out now that he hasn't paid anything. When I pushed about it, he did talk to him and his son said he would give him some money. That was a month ago and still no money. His room is a pig sty and my husband ends up doing his laundry on the sly because he knows I get mad because his son isn't doing it. His son has a girlfriend out of town and is gone now maybe three or four nights a week. I say he should still be helping out no matter what. If he had an apartment, the landlord wouldn't let him have a break because he chose to be gone sometimes. The thing that really ticks me off is the whole time I have been helping support him (I buy all the groceries) he has made more money then me. He makes enough to have a place of his own but pays nothing here. I know he isn't saving for that so I wonder where all his money is going. I'm sure he is having a good time every weekend and not worrying about having to save any money. He pays his car insurance and his gas, coffee and lunch at work everyday. I know he makes $2600 a month. I am getting tired of approaching my husband about it and having him tell me he will talk to him again (when he finds the right moment!). It eats away at me how this "kid" isn't learning the realities of life. I dont' think my husband is doing him any favors by letting it slide all the time. I also have two sons that have gone back to college, have their own places, living on assistance for schooling, and they pay all their bills on time and are very responsible. They paid board when they were done high school and were working and did their own laundry. I can't help them but my husbands son has a great job and lives for free. (My husband and I got together and bought a house three years ago. My sons had just gone out on their own. My husband had said he didn't want to get together til it was just him and I. His son moved in after we got together. He had been with his Mom but she didn't want him there anymore. So more frustrating that it's okay for his son but wouldn't have been with mine).
anyway just want to know if I am right in feeling resentful about this whole situation. Thanks for any input.
Brenda
gimmethesimplelife
12-5-12, 11:48am
Definitely.....the stepson needs to be paying something towards room and board.....$2600 a month is unheard of money to so many Americans these days, many pay their bills and struggle on much less. I would totally agree that he needs to pay something towards the support of the household if he is going to continue living there, or find a place on his own - where he will have to pay these kinds of bills himself anyway. Sounds like maybe a tricky situation? Thanks for posting your first post here BTW and here's wishing that this works out OK with the stepson taking on more financial responsibility.....Rob
SteveinMN
12-5-12, 11:58am
First, welcome to SLF! :) I hope you continue to post on this and other topics!
I agree that your stepson should be paying something toward room and board. He is an adult (chronologically) and he is more than able to support himself (financially). And, as you note, he would have to do it if he were truly on his own. A couple of thoughts:
- You and your husband need to be on the same page on this. This is not a "if grandma says no, ask grandpa" kind of issue.
- The fact that your DH is either undermining or not enforcing the agreement you-all had or, really, is not at least discussing your issue with this is a problem; one that extends beyond DSS paying r&b.
- You and DH need to agree on consequences if DSS does not pay the agreed-upon amount each month. Otherwise the rule has no teeth and will disappear as it has already. What will DSS have to do? Pay fines? Move out? How will you two enforce that?
- If DH's reservation is that DSS can't afford it, DSS can if it's a choice. And if DH really feels strongly about it, you could escrow the r&b and give (a portion of) it back to DSS when he's out on his own, maybe in the form of household goods like pots and pans or bedding or furniture, which he'll need and which he can't readily convert to a fun weekend.
I hope all of this was discussed and agreed to before DSS moved in. But that toothpaste is out of the tube now. You need to address the situation as it is. Good luck!
catherine
12-5-12, 12:08pm
I don't get how some parents don't see that they don't do favors for their kids by never asking them to be responsible. This reminds me of my BIL/MIL situation: My MIL paid for EVERYTHING for BIL until she died two years ago. BIL had lived with her his whole life, and so for 48 years he got a free ride. When she would complain that a single food shopping trip would cost $200 because BIL would buy artisan cheeses and fruit out of season, etc--while she brought her own teabags to restaurants to save money--I often gently suggested that she make him pay for his room and board--even a token amount. Now, as you can imagine, reality is hitting BIL very hard. He has no skills for a job because he didn't have to earn a living. He has no money to even be able to live in the paid-for house MIL left him.
Because he can't afford to live in his house, BIL/DH and I have been discussing the possibility of BIL moving in with us. I told DH that I don't mind, but I'd insist that BIL pay a reasonable rent and put money towards "pantry" foods and staples. Believe it or NOT--DH is balking at that idea... !!! I told DH that giving up my privacy would only be worth it if I could put BIL's rent towards our mortgage--if we don't have that benefit, there's no way I'm going to tolerate that arrangement.
Sorry for the long way of saying "Yes, stepson SHOULD pay something." I guess I had to vent.
Here's another thought. I have a colleague who told me about time he spent in his early twenties living at home, and he would pay rent to his mother every month. When he was ready to move out, she returned the money to him as "seed money" for his new place--she had put it in a savings account for him. I thought that was a brilliant way to support an adult child without depriving him learning a life lesson in responsibility. Maybe that would be a compromise with your DH in this situation.
ToomuchStuff
12-5-12, 12:26pm
You should be prepared for a fight, since the kid isn't blood. (forewarning) I knew someone in a similar situation and they addressed the issue, by giving the kid a bill at a family meal. This brought the whole "discussion" to a head.
Hi Brenda. I'm sorry I don't have any advise, but I just wanted to say welcome.
Welcome! I do think you're right though. Even though I'm only 22, I still live at home but I go to university. When I start working, I expect myself to pay my parents for letting me live there and my mom does the laundry, cooking, cleaning, ... I just think that's normal! Maybe instead of dealing with it through your husband, you could try to have a normal, descent conversation about it with your stepson himself? I know it might be tricky, since the "you're not my real mom" card is up here, but you should give it a try. He probably doesn't pay eventually because he knows his dad won't set the line, but you will. So maybe if you're strict but gentle enough, he might get the hint and if he doesn't pay on time, casually let him know that it's ok if he's a bit short on cash and he can pay you a couple of days later. That way he knows you're still expecting him to pay.
Good luck!
goldensmom
12-5-12, 1:33pm
Absolutely, he should be paying room and board. Any adult child with a job, living at home, should pay something towards their keep and an adult child without a job should do chores as payment in kind. I moved back home for 3 months when I was 22, had a good job and offered to pay rent. My parents refused money so I paid for the dogs grooming, did all the yard work, interecepted the electric bill and paid it, took them out for dinner once a week (as mom insisted on doing all the cooking at home), shared the housework and did all the laundry. They were helping me out so I reciprocated. That's what responsible adult children do.
Thanks all for your advice and opinions. It helps to give me the courage to stand up for what I think is right. I know my husband is just going to let this go on and on, and it isn't the right thing for my stepson in the end. Doesn't teach him any responsibility. I just needed to know that I wasn't being the meanie here. My husband had said to let him handle it but I don't see him handling it very well so maybe my next step will be to insist that the three of us sit down together and discuss my stepson's plans for the future and his responsibility here in the meantime. Thanks again to all who reply.
rodeosweetheart
12-5-12, 1:58pm
Yes, he should pay 25% of his salary for housing, which is the average, and more if he eats your food. I would say that he needs to keep his room habitable or move out, because it is your house.
Some parents bank the 25% and give it back for when they need a deposit. But that's just one approach.
My Dad made me start paying room and board when I was ~15.
Definitely. And I think it has nothing to do with teaching anyone anything. Every adult in a household collecting a paycheck and not getting "free pass" for some other reason (school, etc). should be contributing to bills and chores.
I had knee surgeries around 18, didn't work, and got very complacent about it. My parents (nicely) said it was time to contribute - or get my own place. Definitely appropriate.
I would say that it's time for this young man to find his own place, and his dad needs to put a deadline on it. If everything isn't out on that deadline, then it goes to the charity shop (which is what storage rooms do).
Some of my young friends (23 yr old husband and wife!) right now are in graduate school. His parents own their house, and so they offered to house the couple to save on costs. This couple pays expenses ($350/month) which includes food. They pay back a student loan debt (which is great, honestly, even though they are in graduate school), and they put the remainder into savings to pay for graduate school debt free. Between grants and scholarships, savings, and their parents providing housing, they are actually able to pay for graduate school out-right! They both not only go to school full time, but they work full time (it's in a cafe, but it is still work!).
In addition to money, they do their own laundry as well as throw their parents in as well, help in the garden (or with snow during this time of year), and keep the house clean and tidy. They cook dinner twice a week for the family, and usually pack lunches in the evening (for everyone).
I think this is how it shuold be done. To me, this young man is taking advantage of his father (and you), and as you say, it's not teaching him to be responsible for himself. It's not doing anyone any good.
This is truly between your husband and his son. You are however making him choose and it is a bad situation all the way around. I am sure your stepson is thinking why should he pay anything since he has gotten away with it for so long? If he does not have any feeling that payment or other arrangements need to be made, it is up to your husband to explain what is required and what the consequences will be if he does not want to do whatever is chosen.
He is sponging and getting away with it. Nothing different here than the many other posts about kids sponging off mother or father and being allowed to do it.
Your issue is really with your husband and the discrepancy between his and your desires. He is not being honest with you in fact. I suggest some goals and plans and specific things to do to reach them.
ps Stevenmn said it best.
As a Stepmom of 16 years, I feel ya! So, here's my advice, from the Stepmom stance:
He is not your child. What is good for him is his father's business, not yours, unless his father asks your opinion or invites you into a conversation specifically about this.
Your marriage must come first, before the welfare of the 21 year old. This is your business.
What is also your business is the impact this young adult is having on YOUR life, in YOUR home.
You have every right to talk with your husband about how you want your home to be, and the impacts on your marriage that having the stepson living in your home are having.
I strongly urge you, out of deep personal experience, to step out of the role of parent and into the role of spouse. Keep up the dialogue with your husband about your concerns for your home, your marriage, and your sanity. Stop telling your husband how to parent his adult child. It will shift the situation; it may take some time, but it will shift.
This is not between the husband and son. There is no problem btwn husband and son.
This issue is between you and your husband. Consider this as you move forward to work this out.
Wow, these replys have really opened my eyes and given me more insight to the situation. I certainly can agree once pointed out that the problem is perhaps more between my husband and I, moreso then between him and his son. My husband doesn't have a problem with it and his son certainly doesn't mind having a free ride as long as he can. It is me that can see the situation as it is, and me that can see that we need to get on the same page. Thanks all.
yeah, i find a lot of insight in the comments about this is between the father/son (you are step mom, so it's not your place to be in their relationship) and their relationship seems ok (i.e., dad seems fine with what is going on and so does kid. . . so all is good in their books), and that this is really an issue between you and your husband -- how you have two different POVs of what "should be" happening.
I went from the stand point of how I see things in general in terms of adult children. It's how I would behave as well, and what we plan on extending to DS when it comes to it. Unless he's really on hard times, I think it's important to pitch in.
You didn't mention where you and your spouse are with saving for retirement, but that might be one way to frame it in terms of putting your own relationship and needs first. Since you mention you earn less than your stepson, I am guessing there is probably not a lot of extra after bills are paid to go toward long-term savings. That is putting your future at risk. Maybe if you put it in those terms, your DH will see things in a different light. Step-son is not incapacitated, and can at least earn his keep if not support himself entirely. But not having enough saved for the future for you and DH really puts you both at risk.
good luck working through this. Not an easy situation but I agree that the real issue is between you and DH -- you need to get on the same page about what your priorities are.
lhamo
dado potato
12-5-12, 9:14pm
Do not resent, do not get into a fight. Negotiate.
I agree with most of what has been said, especially the comments of SteveinMN and rodeosweetheart.
I would urge you to negotiate with the father
1) what percentage of the son's takehome pay is fair... 25% is probably high enough that junior would seriously consider getting his own place, which would be part of the transition to adulthood he likely needs to make eventually.
2) What procedure to follow. It may be a good idea to get the terms of the lease in writing, and be business-like about keeping records (check with your tax advisor... the rent may be taxable income). It may also be a good idea to discuss/decide in advance what your policy is in case of late payment or nonpayment. Normal practice of landlords in your area might be adhered to.
3) What to do with the proceeds. Rodeosweetheart had a suggestion of banking it until the kid needs help making a deposit ... if that means help with a deposit on a rental unit, I might question the viability of the kid as a tenant. On the other hand, if that means having up to $13,000 to give as an unconditional gift at the time the kid needs to make a 20% (or more) down payment on a house purchase, I could see that. Generosity can be for better or worse. It might be perfectly rational to use the proceeds to offset a portion of the costs of utilities, insurance, taxes, maintenance, etc.
4) The roles of step mom and Dad in dealing with junior. Maybe it makes sense for Dad to negotiate the terms, get the son's signature, collect the rent, and enforce any rules ... and for the step mom to function behind the scenes to make sure that the Dad really follows through on his role.
Wow OP, you are getting some great advice here. Nothing I can add.
awakenedsoul
12-5-12, 10:24pm
Welcome to the forum! I would ask yourself "What do I want?" If you want your stepson to move out and to have your house back, I would discuss that with your husband. It also seems unfair to your sons to me. You both have children, and they should be treated fairly.
It's great that he's making good money. It sounds like he would be fine on his own. Then he'd have to clean up his mess, buy groceries, pay utilities, and do his own laundry. You would spend less on food, have a clean house, and it would be just you and your husband. That's what I would want. (in your situation.)
When I was back at my parents for three years, after being away for college and 18 months afterward, I paid rent. It was 18 years ago, but I think I paid $150 a month. I was working full time. I also bought all my own food (aside from things like milk, oj, bread, which we all shared, and I took turns buying), paid my share of the long distance phone bill (we'd go through the itemized calls with a highlighter!), and did all my own laundry, etc. I worked afternoons for most of these three years, so I actually didn't see the parents a whole heck of a lot. I paid the rest of my own bills - car payment, insurance, clothing, etc. I didn't move back into my childhood bedroom, as it had been made into a den. I moved into a corner of the basement, which was fine with me. I moved out in '96 to move to my current city, and it was one of the best decisions I've made - to move six hours away.
Yes, the young man should be paying you something for rent, something more for food.
This would bother me so much, that I would tell my husband to either resolve it in one month or I would be the one moving out.
fidgiegirl
12-5-12, 11:41pm
I think to me what would be more troublesome is not the non-payment of rent but the double standard that it's ok for his kid to live in your mutual home but not for yours to do so.
Wildflower
12-5-12, 11:57pm
I think to me what would be more troublesome is not the non-payment of rent but the double standard that it's ok for his kid to live in your mutual home but not for yours to do so.
So agree with this! Time to have a serious discussion with your DH. I would be giving him ultimatums at this point. I couldn't put up with what you are putting up with, especially knowing that your DH wouldn't with your sons.
And why in the world is the stepson even still living with you at all? He is plenty able on his income to be living out on his own!
Gardenarian
12-6-12, 3:32pm
Most 21 year olds (who I know) are in college and their parents are not only paying their living expenses but their tuition. If I was in good financial shape, I would be fine with my DD living with me without paying rent.
Of course, if money is scarce, then everyone must do what they can to help out. Being part of a family works both ways.
I agree that all siblings should be treated equally, but I have never felt that it is the parents job to make kids' life harder in order to "build character." There are plenty of challeges in life that will test your mettle.
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I agree that all siblings should be treated equally, but I have never felt that it is the parents job to make kids' life harder in order to "build character." There are plenty of challeges in life that will test your mettle.
(bolding mine) I've never warmed up to that idea, either. I was on my own where college and career was concerned and I've wondered since whether I would have done better with a little support. Putting it mildly.
I agree with the sentiment that it's the in-your-face double standard here that needs to be addressed.
I wouldn't give any ultimatums that I wasn't prepared to follow through with. Otherwise your leverage for future negotiation is right out the window.
I think many people have offered you great advice for how to structure the conversation negotiating when that time comes. Your first issue appears to be convincing your husband that this is not something you're willing to live with.
There is not point in getting any kind of contract written/signed by all parties if two of the parties have no intention of following through with the terms and are only sitting down to the table to begin with to pacify the instigator.
I don't think that this is about making life harder.
My parents paid for college and expenses (even though I worked), and when I graduated, it was up to me to support myself. If I didn't have a job, I was welcome to live at home (keeping my place tidy as well as keeping the house tidy -- since it was my parents home) until I found a job and enough money to move out on my own.
That was the rule at my parent's house. That is about helping.
But this young man has graduated and has a job that pays him enough that he could live on his own or pay rent.
A firend of mine has lived with his mother since he graduated from university. He's 42 years old this year. He has held a steady job since he graduated (at the same company) -- so for the last 21 years. He is a computer programmer. He currently earns around $100k/year.
He has done many things living with his mother. First, he pays room and board. He drives her to appointments (his mother never drove) and to run errands. He takes her to church and to whatever events that she likes. After she retired, he paid for her to have a driver when he couldn't drive her.
Over the years, he's amassed quite a fortune because his living expenses are so low. The arrangement works for them, and has for 20 years.
He has also never had a girlfriend, is extremely religious, and only wants a certain kind of girlfriend (one who is extremely religious, who wants to live with his mother after they are married, etc). He's a great catch (if you are of his religion), but for some reason can't seem to get a girl. I think it's the cultural thing around living with your mother.
But, that is also not THIS situation. It is a wholly different situation -- where no one feels like they are being taken advantage of.
Also, if it's not fair for all the kids, that's a bit odd to me.
I agree. Best thing I ever did, joining this forum!
Thanks, and yes that sounds good for sure. That would be the ideal situation for me. I figure if my sons can do it, so can my husband's son.
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