View Full Version : Getting over old hurts?
rodeosweetheart
12-9-12, 3:48pm
Does anybody have an good ideas for how to get over old hurts? I am thinking of family situations, old hurts that have occurred. It's not important at this point what they are, but how do you get over these and let them go? I am thinking specifically of situations involving DH's family and things they have done over the years, and how I have reacted. I am supposed to go on a trip with them this summer and am dreading it. We have been away from them from several years, but now are moving back to Midwest in part to be closer to them, and at the one party I went to, I spent hours walking the dog just to get out of there.
It's crazy, but the feelings of hurt continue. They made it clear from the start that they resented it when DH married me, and it hasn't gotten much better since then. They have done things to exclude my children from family events, etc. (second marriage for both of us.) ONe sister even accepted invitation to my son's wedding and then declined to attend on that day--we did not know she was not attending until we called her to see if she needed directions to the hotel. My son sort of wrote her off after that, she never apologized.
DH is out with them out of state at a family gathering right now, and I am just feeling very irritable about them. Three of them have called here because they can't get his phone number straight--he is out there with them, for Pete's sake.
When we first got together 15 years ago, I had my kids with me and we went to dinner with them and not one of them would speak to us. My kids really don't want anything to do with them, but DH thinks they are great.
It has caused a lot of problems in our marriage, actually. He says, "you hate my family." I tried really hard, but they hated me, so I gave up.
He has a lot of siblings, and some of them are okay, I guess, but the girls have gone out of their way to exclude me from things, so I really dread being around them. They think sun rises and sets on DH, although they also discount him and treat him like the youngest, call him pet names, "oh poor little you" kind of thing. One of his sisters sends him money for his birthday, another gave him present of shaving cream, deoderant, cologne--I find this very bizarre. (DH does not smell.) They have made pointed remarks like "Oh, she (another sil) took our last name--she likes us." (I kept my own name when I married DH.)
I have noticed another brother-in-law has not been in attendance to these family events for some years now. They have always talked smack about him and maybe he just can't take it anymore.
Any good ideas here? It seems very odd to me, but I feel like when he is with them, he falls into old patterns of family of origin, and is not very caring to me. It feels at times like he prefers them to me--sort of luxuriates in their treatment of him--he was the spoiled golden boy of the family, and he likes the attention and the coddling that they give. I am not a coddler.
We did talk about this with a marriage counselor who said "why do you have anything to do with this people--they are very rude and cruel to your wife"--but she also said it was very weird that at our advanced age, we were still letting family of origin interfere in our marriage at all.
I guess I agree with that and I feel pretty sad about it right now. He's spent thousands of dollars this year going out there to visit two times, and will spend thousands more on this trip this summer. At this point, it kind of feels that he prefers to go back in time with them than to face the future with me. I feel really sad. Any ideas?
cindycindy
12-9-12, 3:57pm
You mention that you went to a marriage counselor. Have you considered going to an individual counselor to deal with this? People could only hurt you if you let them. You mention your own daughters: if the situation with your inlaw family is that bad, maybe you can not attend functions and use that time to get together with your own daughters. Good luck. I know these situations always come to light during the holidays.
rodeosweetheart
12-9-12, 3:59pm
Yes, definitely a holiday connection:(
I think this came up in a thread a few days ago.
From my perspective, the problem lies with your perception of what's going on in your relationship with hubby's family. You have to analyze what it really is between you and them and hubby and them--I have no idea but I don't know that you really know either.
One other part of this that relates to the earlier thread is that it sounds like there's a problem between hubby and you regarding this. I can't imagine why you all would be moving to be closer to them if they hate you. If hubby is pushing it and they really hate you then he's being really insensitive of your feelings.
So I have to agree with the prior posters. I'd suggest therapy for yourself and or hubby along with you. This sounds like a really complex situation that needs the facilitating assistance of a professional.
They likely aren't going to change, despite anything that you do or don't do. My in laws are like this (or were when they were all co-located) so I just don't bother. I see my MIL on Christmas and occasionally her birthday, but other than that, my husband goes alone and we are both happier that way. My MIL only wants to talk about old time that I was not a part of (when my husband was a child), she doesn't ask me how I am or what's new with me. She's just ignorant and lacking in social graces, but I go once a year for my husband. Otherwise I just don't want to be around. I'm not going to drive an hour each way just to be ignored on a frequent basis.
I find it easier to "get over" old hurts by making sure they don't continue, and finding something interesting or fun to do in place of the thing that makes me hurt.
For me, in our similar situation, it's helpful to realize that he has a connection with them -- and then also allow him that connection.
It doesn't really hurt you -- as far as I can tell -- that he would spend time with his family (with or without you).
But, when you are together as a family, I think it is possibly up to him to speak up for you when he sees that you are being treated rudely-- which is what my husband did for me (and does for me). He's always "got my back" in that sense, and won't put up with meanness towards me. He also lets me fight my own battles with them when appropriate, and I've done that a few times.
Beyond being basically polite, I really don't feel any need to be "close" to my ILs anymore. I'm just not interested. Luckily, I live on the other side of the planet, but they are coming for the holiday soon (in 15 days). So, I have developed some coping strategies. In addition to just dealing with myself as best I could, and giving myself permission to leave a situation if I"m not happy with it, I also have put time constraints on everything as well as focused on activities. When they are involved in activities, they tend to do better overall. Also, we invited a lot of friends to come to different activities, which also helps defray the negativity (they tend to be on best behavior when around other people).
Anyway, best you can do is deal with yourself, and ask your husband for what he feels is reasonable in terms of you feelings in relation to them (ie, not insisting that you go to special events, for example).
rodeosweetheart
12-9-12, 6:00pm
bunnys, thank you for your take on this situation.
I find it easier to "get over" old hurts by making sure they don't continue, and finding something interesting or fun to do in place of the thing that makes me hurt.
Thank you, herb, this sounds like a good plan. . .
Zoe, this is really helpful: "So, I have developed some coping strategies. In addition to just dealing with myself as best I could, and giving myself permission to leave a situation if I"m not happy with it, I also have put time constraints on everything as well as focused on activities. When they are involved in activities, they tend to do better overall. Also, we invited a lot of friends to come to different activities, which also helps defray the negativity (they tend to be on best behavior when around other people). "
I will have to ponder this because I like practical advice, and this seems practical, ditto to herb's advice.
Take a vacation whenever he leaves, maybe a cruise or something! Be proactive instead of reactive.
Now that you are moving closer to them, you need to find some good coping strategies. Perhaps a professional counselor can coach you through this.
You can't change them. Your feelings are your feelings whether justified or not, and probably you are entirely reasonable to feel this way. Some families act like tribes--those born into the tribe are insiders and most everyone else is an outsider.
I support you in your outsiderness. Let DH have the lion's share of contact with his family. While you don't ever have to visit, you might want to show up separately once in a while for very big family gatherings where you can sit with the outliers.
If you think that you need to attend each and every family event with DH and go with him each time he visits, I think that's crazy. Just sayin.':D
edited to add: you CAN take separate automobiles to hid family events, right? IF they live too far away for that, then warn DH taht you'll drop him off at the inlaws and you yourselves will be going to take in cultural activities in that town, and will stop by to say "hello" to inlaws before or after the event.
I second and third those who suggest making your own activities. Being in situations that have been abusive in the past, will at the least bring back bad memories. Adfitionally, if the others have not realized the abuse, they will most likely continue the old behaviors, adding new pain to the memories.
You should not spend your vacations like this. Make your own plans.
awakenedsoul
12-9-12, 10:20pm
I don't really like my SIL, so I don't go to family events. My brother has drug and alcohol problems, so it's depressing to see the proggression. I didn't go to their wedding because I had such a bad feeling about her. ( I told my family way ahead of time.) I made an effort with her at first, but soon saw that she was very manipulative and materialistic. She has since gotten into terrible debt, they are losing their house, and she has tried to take my parents' house. She even took my mother's car when my mother was on life support! Ugh...I don't say, "I told you so," but I saw this in her all along.
I wouldn't go if they treat you this way. It sounds abusive and dysfunctional. You deserve better. I would name the behavior to your husband.
SteveinMN
12-10-12, 7:49am
Nothing I can add here, really -- you've been given some excellent advice. I would simply reiterate that you should not allow yourself to be treated this way, either by DH or the ILs. cindycindy is right -- no one can make you feel bad without your permission. If you go into these situations reminding yourself that 1) you're better than that; and 2) no one (least of all you) deserves to be treated that way, the path -- and the boundaries you set and the decisions you'll make -- will become more evident.
FWIW, in my first marriage, as a suitor MiL put me as fifth on a list of the top three candidates. We were poles apart for lots of reasons, but we tolerated each other and I just tried to be my best self around MiL (FiL was sort of out of the picture, but not really, but that's another thread). I didn't have to like her and I didn't have to have her like me. We limited our exposure and it was okay.
puglogic
12-10-12, 10:57am
I spend as little time as possible around the family of origin members who don't "get" me and some of them go as far as actively avoiding me. When I think about it, these are people that I really wouldn't want to spend time with anyway, if I weren't required to, and so they are in fact doing me a favor by not including me in their activities. I drastically limit my exposure to those folks, even if they don't like me. I don't need them to like me....I have my own life, my own friends, my own OTHER family members that think I'm neat-o. I have no time for abusers.
I personally would rethink moving to be closer to people who make me unhappy. But that's just me.
A counselor/therapist helped me sift through some of my misplaced anger and hurt and put it into its proper perspective. I think for a long time I wanted my husband to dislike his bad family members as much as I did, and felt it was a betrayal when he wouldn't. (same as you) For example, if your husband spends some time visiting his family and you insist on couching it as "him choosing them over me," that is probably neither healthy nor true. Anyway, a few sessions talking this out with a trained listener might lift a HUGE weight off your chest, which is of course what WE'RE all interested in here :) And a few sessions with a marriage counselor might help you put together a plan that will protect your interests and make a plan moving forward.
Limiting exposure, letting your husband feel what he feels, being honest with him and with them (that you all seem to get on each others' nerves and so you limit your time together for everyone's sake), standing behind your own choices and building your own social life.....basically becoming emotionally stronger around this will make you feel much better. At least it did for me.
Miss Cellane
12-10-12, 11:01am
I don't see these as old hurts. I see them as hurts that happened a long time ago that haven't been allowed to heal, because every time you see these in-laws, they rip the scabs right off again.
You do not have to spend your life energy on people like this. You are allowed to say, "No more. I will not waste my time on people who can't even take the energy to be minimally polite to me."
Some more counseling seems to be in order, designed specifically to address this issue.
Has your DH ever cried out, "You are making me choose between you and my family?" Because that's the place he should be at. Where he realizes that he can't have both--either he chooses his family over you or you over his family. Right now, he seems to be hiding his head inside a paper bag, hoping that he isn't forced to make a choice.
But he needs to make that choice. Especially since he wants to move back to be closer to these people. He cannot continue to pretend it is all the OP's fault, or that there is a simple fix. If he wants more contact with his family of origin, then he has to realize that there will be consequences with his wife and children.
iris lily
12-10-12, 11:14am
...But he needs to make that choice. Especially since he wants to move back to be closer to these people. He cannot continue to pretend it is all the OP's fault, or that there is a simple fix. If he wants more contact with his family of origin, then he has to realize that there will be consequences with his wife and children.
Well, sort of. I think pug said it best: allow DH to feel what he feels (warm fuzzies with his big sisters who coddle him!) but he must understand that his wife will not accompany him to all family events.
Now, if his family takes action that is deliberately hostile (I"m not talking about casual remarks here and there) then he DOES need to step in, draw a line in the sand, and say "you can' do that to my wife." But I'm not convinced that's is going on here.
OP can have her relationship with his family and he can have his relationship with his family and THEY ARE DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS. HErs will be distant an polite, his will be close. That is ok, they are two separate people.
I know what you mean, my family is a bunch of snotty idiots who think that they are better than everyone. My father and I have been tolerated through the years at functions and are totally ignored now. My mother and brother are part of the pack and my husband, father, and I are excluded. They did come to our wedding and wanted to have a "family picture" with only our side (excluding my husband, stepsons, and husband's side of the family)! I insisted on having everyone in the picture and since then we have been excluded for the next bunch of holiday events. My response to that is f*** them! They are not the type of people I want in my life and definitely will not be kissing their buttocks to be a part of. I also agree that you should work on the hurt that you feel and have a sincere heart to heart with your husband. In my case, I don't have a relationship with my brother at all, he thinks of my cousins as his sisters....sad, but I am not going to waste my time on changing his perception.
My husband and I are part of a 12 step program and we have created our own "family" with some of the people that we love and respect. We have our own celebrations and love the fact that everyone present is awesome and loving.
What I heard, or rather read, in the OP was a feeling of powerlessness. Somewhere you may have experienced this same feeling as a child or teen and were unable to figure out what to do. I commend you for now taking the initiative to sort out your feelings and manner of response to inappropriate behaviour of others.
IMO, based on what you have written, DH's family has chosen not to recognize you and your children as members of the family. DH has chosen to accept that position on their part, whether he is doing this consciously or not, probably because he fears that he would give up his position as a treasured member of his family, a position that he enjoys.
It is easier for your DH to attack your response to them than their response to you. Truly sad... so acknowledge that he is not perfect even flawed for reasons that make sense to him at present. In a second marriage situation, there may be reasons based on the family's support that DH needed after the loss of his first marriage and he dare not risk losing that support. Fear is governing all parties for reasons that make sense to all of them at present.
Find a way of regaining your sense of power in your life whether through therapy, alternative activities or support systems that you need. Will you be giving up your support systems that you have at present for this move? If so, then may I suggest that you delay the move until you sort some of this situation out?
Honey, you are truly worth making the effort to protect yourself and your children from further heartache. DH needs to find his way but not at your expense or the marriage will fail regardless.
rodeosweetheart
12-10-12, 7:31pm
So much good advice, I am grateful to you all. I see so much truth in what you are all saying. I think I will address this with my therapist and try to work through some of these emotions.
I think the first thing is to figure out what I want and how to protect self in future. I do acknowledge they are his family and he will continue to have a relationship. I have stopped going to events for most part, although I did attend a family funeral and a graduation last summer. They will continue their usual "tribal" behavior (yes, IL, that is it, very much so) pushing everyone but the siblings out of photos--serioiusly, they do that, too--ask people not to be in photos, LOL. I just need to figure out my feelings and why this continues to upset me--I think it has to do with the feeling that my husband does not have my back, and does not see the things they do, or does not want to believe they mean anything.
But I do think that people will stay connected to family of origin no matter what, and I certainly do not want to put him in a position of choosing between us. On the other hand, I do realize that I feel on several occasions he has let us down--me and the kids--and I feel hurt by the things like when they ignored wedding invitations, scheduled grad parties on the day that one son was getting married, so that none of them went to son's wedding though were invited--I guess it galls me that husband never confronted them on this, but is always saying, "Oh, they don;t realize they hurt anyone, they are really nice people."
I think I feel he does not have my back, which is a bad way to feel about one's spouse.
I'm trying to be honest with myself about what I feel, instead of stuffing it down and ignoring it or glossing over it. so a heart to heart may be in order.
Thanks!
SteveinMN
12-10-12, 9:57pm
rodeosweetheart, was DH like this during your courtship or has it gotten worse since you married?
In terms of activities, DH and I decided that -- with his parents coming over and not really putting forth any personal agency in terms of what they wanted to do (we sent them a guide book, suggestions, information about the areas we would be visiting. they haven't read them.) -- we would just do what we wanted to do on holiday, and they 'tag along.'
We also realized that they will not be happy. They are unhappy in themselves, so no amount of anything will make them happy with that, which means that nothing will make them happy. So, we seek to make ourselves happy and enjoy our holiday, make things fun for DS, and mitigate their negativity as best we can by creating boundaries -- both emotional and physical.
DH has also given me "permission" to go on walks or go in and do work or whatever if I need to. I do have a lot of work to get done, so . . . it's an easy excuse. I'm also "allowed" (it's funny language, this) to take DS with me if I think it would be best for him, and he's agreed not to have the ILs left with DS. We haven't informed them of this, and I'm basically hoping that it doesn't come up.
Still have to find a venue to make cookies. I wonder if Le Cordon Bleu cooking school would have an open kitchen over the holidays. . . hmm.
iris lily
12-10-12, 10:20pm
So much good advice, I am grateful to you all. I see so much truth in what you are all saying. I think I will address this with my therapist and try to work through some of these emotions.
I think the first thing is to figure out what I want and how to protect self in future. I do acknowledge they are his family and he will continue to have a relationship. I have stopped going to events for most part, although I did attend a family funeral and a graduation last summer. They will continue their usual "tribal" behavior (yes, IL, that is it, very much so) pushing everyone but the siblings out of photos--serioiusly, they do that, too--ask people not to be in photos, LOL. I just need to figure out my feelings and why this continues to upset me--I think it has to do with the feeling that my husband does not have my back, and does not see the things they do, or does not want to believe they mean anything.
But I do think that people will stay connected to family of origin no matter what, and I certainly do not want to put him in a position of choosing between us. On the other hand, I do realize that I feel on several occasions he has let us down--me and the kids--and I feel hurt by the things like when they ignored wedding invitations, scheduled grad parties on the day that one son was getting married, so that none of them went to son's wedding though were invited--I guess it galls me that husband never confronted them on this, but is always saying, "Oh, they don;t realize they hurt anyone, they are really nice people."
I think I feel he does not have my back, which is a bad way to feel about one's spouse.
I'm trying to be honest with myself about what I feel, instead of stuffing it down and ignoring it or glossing over it. so a heart to heart may be in order.
Thanks!
We don't have all of the details here, but honestly, I'm not sure that what you are relating is something I'd take offense to. I do not argue that you have hurt feelings, but--not sure that I would find important the things that you find important.
For instance--I am not a fan of most weddings, and if I had to travel far for it, I probably would not, and if I didn't really know the prospective groom very well--even less likely I'd attend. Weddings are generally considered to be a big deal by Bride and immediate family, but not so much for others. There are ALWAYS competing events in any family of size. I personally don't think that these action of your DH's family mean a whole lot, other than they are a closed group and they wish to socialize together, but you know that. They will act in accordance with that philosophy.
Wildflower
12-10-12, 10:59pm
Why in the world would you want to move closer to these people?
awakenedsoul
12-10-12, 11:09pm
I know exactly what you mean, rodeosweetheart. My SIL planned a surprise birthday for my father when he turned eighty. She invited herself, her husband, (my brother,) her two sons, my youngest brother, and his wife. (They flew in from out of state.) She waited to invite my oldest brother until the day before the party. (He already had plans.) She didn't invite me. They also didn't tell me when my mother was in the hospital for a second time, after being on life support. I told them I'd appreciate being contacted since I am the only daughter, and that I don't like them excluding me. They denied it, but it felt good to speak the truth.
Trust what your body is telling you. I don't waste my time on these people and their games...
I think it has to do with the feeling that my husband does not have my back, and does not see the things they do, or does not want to believe they mean anything.
But I do think that people will stay connected to family of origin no matter what, and I certainly do not want to put him in a position of choosing between us. On the other hand, I do realize that I feel on several occasions he has let us down--me and the kids--and I feel hurt by the things like when they ignored wedding invitations, scheduled grad parties on the day that one son was getting married, so that none of them went to son's wedding though were invited--I guess it galls me that husband never confronted them on this, but is always saying, "Oh, they don;t realize they hurt anyone, they are really nice people."
I think I feel he does not have my back, which is a bad way to feel about one's spouse.
I'm trying to be honest with myself about what I feel, instead of stuffing it down and ignoring it or glossing over it. so a heart to heart may be in order.
Thanks!
I think that you can talk about him "choosing you" in terms of what you need to feel that he "has your back."
I had to go through this with my husband, because -- likes yours -- he would dismiss my feelings or go "that's just the way it is!" He didn't want to cut off contact, though I was able to beg out of things, and ultimtaely ---after so many times of being treated terribly, even in MY OWN HOME, he started to see what I was talking about.
Actually, it was a very astute friend of his who told him what the score was.
You see, my husband is used to his family's dynamic. Just as I am used to my family's dynamic. THis same friend had dinner with my family and pointed out to me (privately) that it seemed to him that my sister was seriously favored. Not just moderately favored or more accomplished so they gave her more accolades. He spent a small amount of time with us and explained exactly what dynamics he saw. For me, it was illuminating. THis is just how I grew up. But now, the things that I'd felt for a long time had more awareness.
And so, going forward, I just recognize that as a fact, and I'm liberated from things that I hadn't been before.
Well, the same was true with my husband's family. It was a holiday meal where I invited this friend, and my ILs were in rare form. It was *very* extreme. There was a massive co-dependent relationship with SIL and her boyfriend (both active addicts at the time). My parents were there with my sister, favoring her. And DH kept being cowed by his parents through various manipulations, and most of the conversation had to do with how: ugly and messy my house was (not true); how terribly my cooking was (not true) and how SIL's (or my sister's depending upon who was talking) was better. THere was a huge dialogue about SIL's and sister's accomplishments, followed by a long litany of my failings.
After basically battling my way through it (mostly through ignoring everything and carrying on with serving, cleaning up, and getting through the whole ordeal), the family leaves. My friend goes "good lord, zoebird, I don't know why you bother." Just like my husband can't let go of his family, I truly can't let go of mine either. I guess it's our lot! LOL
DH said "oh yeah, your (my) family was in rare form tonight!" but was completely oblivious to how his family behaved. my friend outlined exactly what he saw -- how they treated DH, how they treated me, and how DH "let" that happen, and in no way, shape, or form was that appropriate. He explained exactly why it wasn't either.
And, DH finally saw my positoin on it -- that I felt that he didn't have my back, that he wasnt' going to support me in front of them. And that began the long process of him choosing "me" over "them." THere's nothing in that decision about "no contact!" or what have you. It's all about -- if they attack me, or treat me poorly, he tells them to cut it out.
And my BIL had to do this with my sister's ILs. They always say "why can't it just be a family holiday!?" whenever my SISTER or my parents are "invited." NEver mind that it's *my sister's house* (he isn't on the mortgage), that they are married and have a child together (and will be having another, though she'd only about 6 weeks in now. :D). Never mind that my parents are HER family and therefore "family." They are just myopic and selfish. And BIL says 'No. She is my wife, those are her parents. You aren't the only family that I have any more. YOu have a choice to welcome them or not attend." Sometimes the family chooses not to attend to "show them" but my sister says it's best when they "show them" because then there's no drama. LOL
So, yeah. He can have your back -- or choose you -- without it meaning he can't have them.
rodeosweetheart
12-11-12, 10:19am
Steve—(rodeosweetheart, was DH like this during your courtship or has it gotten worse since you married?--)
During courtship he was in a phase of distancing himself from them, including that he wanted to move away from the area to get farther from them, I kept urging him to stay in touch (I know, why?), now years later, we are looking at end of life issues with father, so they are getting closer now, wanting to get together more, more of celebrating “the good old days” circa 1968. His feelings have always been conflicted, I guess.
Iris(but--not sure that I would find important the things that you find important.
For instance--I am not a fan of most weddings, and if I had to travel far for it, I probably would not, and if I didn't really know the prospective groom very well--even less likely I'd attend.)
I guess my feelings if you say you are going to the wedding, then you go, and do not cancel the day of, as you have been factored in at that point to the planning. As to the groom, it was her brother’s stepson, so it mattered to her brother. He (son)
was hurt and I was hurt; perhaps she did not mean to hurt us.
Wildflower (Why in the world would you want to move closer to these people?) Because my kids live in that area, and my old support system—we are from there. But I get your point!
Awakened, I had similar thing happen with husband and a surprise birthday party his older sister gave and excluded me from. Weird.
Zoebird, is your friend available as a family dynamic consultant, LOL? (So, yeah. He can have your back -- or choose you -- without it meaning he can't have them.) That’s what I was trying to get at, I think. Thanks for making it succinct.
puglogic
12-11-12, 10:36am
rodeosweetheart, sending you a big hug this morning. I have gone through so much of what you're going through, and I know how much it hurts (and how frustrating to not see a clear exit from the hurt)
I know you're probably not into this stuff, but here's something that really helped me: I had to embrace that my husband, and his family, are completely different personality types than I am on the Myers-Briggs scale. Their way is not superior nor inferior -- even when making decisions I felt were cr@ppy with social events -- but just indicates the set of priorities they're hard-wired with.
There are some types who would rather set themselves on fire rather than miss something like a wedding, for example. They value tradition and keeping everyone feeling included and bonded over EVERYTHING else in life. There are others who instead see that the wedding is primarily about the people getting married, and don't see the fuss in missing out on a few. (and others in between)
With my type, INFP, if I felt my spouse did not have my back, and wasn't even trying to understand my hurt, I would feel profoundly unsafe and unsupported, so much so that it may spell the end of our relationship. That's the top of my list. This was a conflict early in our marriage because my husband's mother did not like or approve of me at first. We had the same issue - not feeling like he had the desire or the guts to go to bat for me. But it wasn't that my husband didn't care or chose sides, just because HIS personality type needs everything to be in harmony, not to make waves, very gentle and nonconfrontational, and hoping that things will just work themselves out. I got angry then, but in hindsight, if he had been more forceful it wouldn't have been the best thing, and may have caused more harm than good.
My brother's wife comes from an extremely tribal family. They almost have their own language, I swear. They do things like exclude others from photos, coddle the youngest brother, etc. Rather than wasting any more time feeling hurt by this, we all just decided to let them be who they are, and treat them as we'd treat any stranger that acted like that: spend not much time with them, and write off their behavior as something we really didn't like, and let it go. Occasionally they snicker and complain about how I'm ms. superior smarty-pants -- and that's fine. Again, they have been relegated to the category of People I Wouldn't Spend Any Time With If I Didn't Have To.
We are all so different. I'm sure that for every "bad" trait you see in your husband's family, there is something at which they are tender and brilliant. But you can't see that for the hurt right now. For every time my mother-in-law implied that my house wasn't clean enough, or that I didn't come visit them enough, or whatever, there were other times when she was breathtakingly supportive of us in other ways.
So some would call this a bunch of psychobabble, but in a nutshell, as soon as I saw that it wasn't just this amorphous Gang that was attacking me, but rather just people with very different priorities and values going about their life according to their type's preferences.....life got much easier.
You are who you are. They are who they are. Identifying what you want your life to look like going forward, and bearing in mind that they may never be the people you want them to be (and being okay with that) will help so much.
Hugs again -- everything's going to be okay!
rodeosweetheart
12-11-12, 10:46am
Pug, I really like this: "but in a nutshell, as soon as I saw that it wasn't just this amorphous Gang that was attacking me, but rather just people with very different priorities and values going about their life according to their type's preferences.....life got much easier." This mkes a lot of sense to me. I am INFJ, so maybe I am a lot like you with a big helping of judgmentalism thrown in, LOL. Yes, they are very different, very extroverted, and that also makes me uncomfortable. But I think you are right, I am seeing it from my "type" and they are seeing it from theirs.
And thank you for the support, it really means a lot to me!
puglogic
12-11-12, 10:50am
But I think you are right, I am seeing it from my "type" and they are seeing it from theirs.
INFJ - great type! :) I have one of these in my circle, and gosh it took a while to get used to their idea of family and love: http://www.personalitydesk.com/entj#tabset-tab-3 Once I did, though, wow, life got better, and she's a priceless part of our extended family.
Hoping you find your way through this, no matter what you decide is best for yourself moving forward. Sometimes people just can't find common ground, no matter how hard they try, and I'm not one to continue to beat my head against a wall for decades. I love life too much!
rodeosweetheart
12-11-12, 11:13am
Thank you for the link, Pug, fascinating and very helpful.
JaneV2.0
12-11-12, 12:41pm
Yes, I love that link--too bad the only entity to actually "get" me is a web page. http://www.kolobok.us/smiles/artists/connie/connie_10.gif
All the types are here: http://www.personalitydesk.com/personality-types
And just so you know: I don't do this to pigeonhole people, but to keep driving home for myself that my way of seeing the world isn't the only way. I don't get to write people off as evil just because their behavior preferences are different - but I do get to decide if I want them in my space.
All the types are here: http://www.personalitydesk.com/personality-types
And just so you know: I don't do this to pigeonhole people, but to keep driving home for myself that my way of seeing the world isn't the only way. I don't get to write people off as evil just because their behavior preferences are different - but I do get to decide if I want them in my space.
I already knew mine, so I went directly to it. It may not be a perfect sorting system, but it certainly has me pegged. The trick is figuring out how your friends/relatives fit in without testing them. On the other hand, I don't need a Myers-Briggs profile to flee from the kind of over-wrought interpersonal drama so many seem to thrive on.
ApatheticNoMore
12-11-12, 1:34pm
INTP, yea that alone probably explains all kinds of difficulty fitting into the world but :~)
awakenedsoul
12-11-12, 3:14pm
All the types are here: http://www.personalitydesk.com/personality-types
And just so you know: I don't do this to pigeonhole people, but to keep driving home for myself that my way of seeing the world isn't the only way. I don't get to write people off as evil just because their behavior preferences are different - but I do get to decide if I want them in my space.
Awesome! I enjoyed the link, too.
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