View Full Version : Need to get this off my chest....
I am so disappointed and disgusted with my mother the last few months. My parents have finally decided to get a divorce after 40 years of craziness which is awesome. The thing is that since October, my relationship with her is in a downward spiral....she told me that she could not help me get dressed for my wedding because she needed to get ready and look good for the event. She also did not circulate with any of our friends during the event, only with her indian side of the family. She told my father that I am trying to take away her money because he opened up a joint account with me (to pay for the wedding expenses).
When she comes over, she tells me how my father yells at her (she is the yeller and the abuser, my father reacts) and how she cannot wait for him to leave the house. I try to be neutral and she tells me that I need to stop taking sides. My brother has not spoken to my father in years. My father, husband, and I are not even acknowledged or invited to any extended family events.
I have a long history of abuse (physical and mental) with my mother as a child and have worked hard to forgive her over the years. I am just so tired of doing it. Yesterday's shooting really brought a lot of those feelings up, especially when I saw the little children being hugged so very tightly by the mothers....I have never had that.
I'm sorry you're going through this, Citrine. I really don't have any words at all of wisdom or advice, but I hope this difficult period with your mother ends quickly and leads to some kind of healing for you, for her, for your father and for the rest of your family members, whatever form that may take. Everyone is hurt when a family is divided, and it's pretty sad when the seeds of the discontent were planted and nourished by mothers or fathers.
Citrine.......From my own personal experience, its time to cut your mother loose. Divorce her.
I divorced my mother shortly after I had children, when I finally acknowledged how poor a mother she really had been to me, and it was okay for me to remove her from my world. She was toxic. What a freedom that was for me.
I think you should really consider doing the same thing. Good luck.
sweetana3
12-15-12, 10:38am
Citrine, big hugs. Join with your father and husband for a quiet and healing time.
There are those in our lives whose own happiness is the utmost priority. You cannot change them, you can only limit your exposure. It is so good that there are those you have for support and these are the relationships to develop.
I agree with Cathy. Sometimes when we give something up, something better fills the void.
To paraphrase renowned interpersonal dynamics expert Donald Rumsfield, "You go through life with the family you have---not the family you might want or wish to have..." Follow your instincts and put distance between yourself and your mother as necessary.
Citrine, yes, distance with your mother. Physical distance is the best, but it sounds like she's local. Don't email/call/write on your initiative (unless it's a birthday or holiday card). If she reaches out, wait before answering email/returning call, etc.
It's what I've done with my own parents the past 10 years (the last time I saw them was 2002), and it's made my life much less stressful. Of course, I also moved six hours away in 1996.
I'm sorry, citrine, for all of the drama and how this recent tragedy affected you so deeply.
And, I agree with the others: distance might be the best thing. It's been very healing for my husband.
Oh my dear. You want the mother you never had. Of course you do. You're grieving that loss. I am so so sorry that you feel un-mothered.... it's a profoundly lonely experience. May I suggest that you find a solid, kind, older female therapist to assist you with this? You can heal this deep loss, and you deserve support to do so.
Hugs.
I agree with many others here in that you should distance yourself from your mother, morn the fact you are unlikely to ever have the relationship you would like with her. It's hard but I, and others here, have also had to face the fact that our mothers are the toxic person in our lives.
When she comes over, she tells me how my father yells at her (she is the yeller and the abuser, my father reacts) and how she cannot wait for him to leave the house. I try to be neutral and she tells me that I need to stop taking sides.
What you said here really stuck out to me. It is very, very difficult to be neutral in these situations. What I'm reading here is that it is BOTH your parents who are participating in the yelling. It doesn't matter which one starts it, the other one should just walk away until the yelling has stopped and then speak in a reasonable manner. How one reacts is important also.
When things are settled with their divorce it may be easier for everyone to find a better balance in the relationships.
Forgiving is releasing her from obligation for making any kind of reparation or amends. Actual forgiving is a really powerful thing--for you. She doesn't even need to know you've forgiven her.
But she doesn't really appear to even see that she's done anything wrong so I don't see why she's still a part of her life--especially as she mentally and physically abused you.
Why would you want an abuser in your life now that you're an adult and can choose all the people you associate with and those you avoid?
Why would you want an abuser in your life now that you're an adult and can choose all the people you associate with and those you avoid?
+1
puglogic
12-16-12, 12:21am
I forgave my father and stepmother for their abuse and neglect. I did that for me - so I wasn't carrying that poison around anymore.
But I also didn't include them in my life. They added nothing to my happiness or my life -- nothing. They were self-centered, narcissistic, judgmental.
You can do both. You do not need to feel obliged to have your mother be part of your life just because she gave birth to you.
To some (traditionalists who think family is more important than happiness) that's blasphemy. To me, it was a ticket to freedom, finally.
Hugs to you, citrine.
try2bfrugal
12-16-12, 1:17am
But she doesn't really appear to even see that she's done anything wrong so I don't see why she's still a part of her life--especially as she mentally and physically abused you.
Why would you want an abuser in your life now that you're an adult and can choose all the people you associate with and those you avoid?
Great advice. Sometimes you just have to cut people loose, DNA linkage or not. It might be the only way to stop getting sucked down into the vortex of ongoing abuse and craziness. Look out for your own sanity.
Have you tried talking to a therapist? That might help.
ApatheticNoMore
12-16-12, 3:20am
Yea distance, it doesn't even matter if you live near or far (provided you don't live *at* home as that would make distancing pretty much impossible), you can control how often you visit (that's assuming you decide to keep any contact). If there are crazy periods (like sometimes your mom is worse than other times) you can stay away if things are descending into crazy, and again that's unless you decide to stay away entirely. You can stay away whenever you feel overwhelmed. Mental distance as well: to just notice the crazy when it happens and think "my crazy family is doing their crazy stuff again", at a level of remove (this might take therapy), and superiority? Sure yes, if your life avoids that crazy and is better and saner why not? It simply is superior in some ways to that.
I don't think one *has to* forgive, but I figure some people just lend themselves to being forgiven more easily than others, whether the bads are balanced by certain redeeming features or not.
I don't think we ever can entirely get what we missed in childhood.
With the others above, I favor distance. It's the only way you can stop expecting from her what she hasn't got to give.
I also felt very angry and disappointed in my family at one point (and still do from time to time) and have found a lot of great tools and support over the years through Adult Children of Alcoholics (which welcomes adult children of "otherwise dysfunctional families") and these days, Al-Anon.
I always really wanted to maintain contact with my family, and both those programs helped me to do that in a way that allowed me to still be authentic with them and myself.
Here's a link:
http://www.adultchildren.org/
awakenedsoul
12-16-12, 11:51pm
I had a lot of problems with my mother, too. She was very abusive and jealous. I confronted her in a letter about all of her bullying, affairs, lies, and manipulation. It really cleared out a lot of karma. I just didn't play the game. She acts very differently around me now. We get along very well, but she still drinks and has a prescription drug addiction. I did Kundalini Yoga, which helped me release a lot of repressed emotion. It wasn't easy, but it did help me heal the old trauma.
sweetana3
12-17-12, 7:15am
I second ejchase's comment on Al-Anon. A friend who I considered a strong and wise woman when to Al-Anon to get help in learning how to relate to her daughter's drinking. She told me a little of what she learned and I saw the positive changes she implemented. Her daughter got thru her diversion jail term, got the mark off her record and is still working on changing her life.
It is a supportive environment with loads of information on how you can repond/deal with dysfunctional issues.
As for my mother, maybe I could have forgiven her, but I just could no longer stand to be around her.
Gardenarian
12-17-12, 5:43pm
(((hugs))))
What worked for me was moving 3000 miles away.
Thanks everyone for all of your sage advice and sharing your experiences. I definitely think that I might have to do some more therapy and work on letting go of my expectations and resentments. I do feel guilty about "leaving" her by distancing myself, not in a codependent way, but not wanting to stoop to her level and be a better person.
miradoblackwarrior
12-17-12, 8:59pm
Besides the "moving"away and the distancing of yourself, try to find something that is just "yours," a dream, a vacation, something you don't share in any way with your mother. When my mother was a little crazy, before she went into the nursing home, she demanded daily phone calls from me, just so she could talk about her life (no interest in mine). I gave myself the most profound trip to London, which gave me the distance and relaxation to put up my wall and begin to move away from her. The mother dynamic, especially for girl children, is incredibly difficult, because of the guilt, etc. For a more articulate discussion of mother/daughter silliness, try "Toxic Parents", by Susan Forward. Another book which might lift your spirits is "Death Benefits," by Jeanne Safer. Maybe your mother isn't dead, but focusing your life on your own world, and on a world where the stress of the maternal dynamic is no longer present, will give you a great deal of strength. Best of luck!
Susan
try2bfrugal
12-18-12, 12:56am
Besides the "moving"away and the distancing of yourself, try to find something that is just "yours," a dream, a vacation, something you don't share in any way with your mother. When my mother was a little crazy, before she went into the nursing home, she demanded daily phone calls from me, just so she could talk about her life (no interest in mine). I gave myself the most profound trip to London, which gave me the distance and relaxation to put up my wall and begin to move away from her. The mother dynamic, especially for girl children, is incredibly difficult, because of the guilt, etc. For a more articulate discussion of mother/daughter silliness, try "Toxic Parents", by Susan Forward. Another book which might lift your spirits is "Death Benefits," by Jeanne Safer. Maybe your mother isn't dead, but focusing your life on your own world, and on a world where the stress of the maternal dynamic is no longer present, will give you a great deal of strength. Best of luck!
Susan
The Toxic Parents book has really good insights.
Yes, I have that book and it helped me quite a bit....need to re-read :)
We are getting together at my house for Christmas and then she will be with her side of the family for New Year's...I am hoping to have my boundaries set and defined to be put into practice in the next couple of weeks.
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