Finding love where it does not seem to be

[puglogic]

I've been trying to mentally repackage my upcoming trip to my husband's family's city for Xmas. One way I've looked at it (the bad way) is that I hate this with every fiber of my body, I have no interest in being around people who think I'm some kind of freak for my simple living habits, I can't bring myself to swoon over their McMansion one more time, I am going to really hate all the snide remarks about my progressive politics and am generally going to want to go jump off a high structure :D

I'm trying hard to see the upside of this. I am going to see our niece and nephew for the first time in four years, and they have grown up to where I can have a conversation with them. They are intelligent and funny. I want to remember that we're going there because these people care about us enough to want us with them at the holidays -- there ought to be some opportunity for gratitude there. It is only five days. It will be warmer there than in Colorado. I'll get to spend the holidays around kids, and that's always fun. Above all, it's just not the end of the world. It's not like I'm going to war-torn Syria or the balmy Siberian plateau.

Anyone else going on a trip they'd prefer NOT to be taking? How are you making it okay inside?

[iris lily]

...Anyone else going on a trip they'd prefer NOT to be taking? How are you making it okay inside?

no, i don't take those trips. And I like DH's family and I like his nieces and nephews, but no, not worth it. And we never stayed more than 3 days, I don't see how you can stand it. Well--are they in an interesting areas? That would change my mind if there were local sights to see. I was always stuck in the middle of Iowa where there is NOTHING in the winter.

Although it seems that I will be taking a small "trip" leaving my own home while his relatives stay here--they called last night. That's fine, whatever, it will be DH's deal to take care of: Clean the filthy carpet and shower, vacuum the entire house, wash all of the floors, vacuum pet hairs from furniture, change and wash sheets, scoop all litter boxes regularly and all that debris around them, and then keep two sets of dogs away from each other so that they don't battle--yep, it's his to do. Their phone call last night asked if they could stay here and this is not a good time for me.

I told him that I will be staying in a relaxing hotel along with our dog who is a biter on Christmas Day. I will attend the dinner at friend's I've planned and will not participate in a frenzy to clean the house for people who will be her only one night. He will get to do that only oops! He's going to be out of town! Well, I guess that the maid service will have to do it because I will not.

[mtnlaurel]

Lots of times I pretend like I'm doing research for a documentary or my new upcoming book or researching a role for my latest blockbuster.
....The blessings of an active imagination!

In addition to trying to live in la-la land, I also do concrete things for ME during the trip:
- Daily Walk by myself
- Going to a Christmas Eve service at a nearby church or
- 12 step meetings

Another Snarky unhealthy thing you can do is play Disfunctional Family Bingo
Make a board with predictions based past actions:
- Here is where x will say y
- Here is where x will say y for the fourth time
- Here is where Q will pull the christmas tree down on themselves
- Here is where someone will scream F U
- Here is where I will be put down for ____

[catherine]

My SIL posted this on FB today: I'm afraid to ask my son if he wrote it :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTx-sdR6Yzk

[ApatheticNoMore]

I agree about finding something to do there, so it's like a vacation. Do some research and find out what if anything a tourist there does, ok even if it's kind of the middle of nowhere and not one's idea of a worthy tourist destination, there's still probably something to do, a small museum of whatever, a nice lake to birdwatch at, something .... If you are driving there maybe find somewhere to stop on the way there, an interesting town you've heard has an interesting something, a nice beach, a small state park, I don't know. Maybe pick out a restaurant you'd like to eat at when your there or on the way also, well this food sounds a little interesting to try .... If you are going to a truly warm climate take full advantage and sunbathe or something to get the warmth you won't otherwise get until spring probably. It's probably not the type of thing I would volunteer for either!!! I find it very hard to do things I really don't want to do.

[Zoebird]

mine are coming to me.

step 1. learn to identify and practicing identifying relationship triangles so that they can be called out quickly before everyone gets more upset (or at least, we get more upset).

step 2. strict schedule of them being in their own space from 7 pm onwards, and no coming over before 9 am (they'll be next door).

step 3. activities that we want to do.

step 4. working.

step 5. changing the topic whenever necessary

step 6. escape hatch plans

[pinkytoe]

Dealing with this too. For the first time ever, we are not going to spend the holidays with in-laws and already their rankles are up. When I do have to go, I generally go to another room and read since I can't converse over the loud TV anyway. DH and his Dad are opposites in just about all beliefs so it is like walking on glass to say the right things. DH says that wine is necessary on these visits. I just don't get those kind of family dynamics and I sympathize.

[leslieann]

Whew, Catherine, at least I've not EVER experienced a Christmas like the one in your video....but I sure hear stories of them.

Best wishes, pug, for your continued sanity. I like the "participant observer" model that was suggested above. Imagine you were doing research into tribal customs of which you knew nothing? What a book you could write after the fact.....

[CathyA]

I'll be thinking of you Pug, and hoping that you come home intact. Sorry I don't have any suggestions. I probably would just refuse to go.
Good luck to you. (((hugs)))

[catherine]

Whew, Catherine, at least I've not EVER experienced a Christmas like the one in your video....but I sure hear stories of them.



Well, let me just say that National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation with the Griswold's looks boring compared to some of our Christmases.

[Amaranth]

One other thing that can help is to read The Gentle Art of Verbal Defense. Then pretend you are a linguistic anthropologist and try to identify which type of disfunctional speech is occurring.

Also you can interact with them as if you are interviewing them for a newspaper article. Explore what they did to accomplish something. :
That's an amazing color of paint. What's it called?
How did you find upholstry that contrasts so well with the paint?

Say something positive about any aspect you can.
Wow, this greenery is so fresh, it makes the whole house smell like Christmas!
It's incredible you found such beautiful radishes this time of year.

[catherine]

I want to remember that we're going there because these people care about us enough to want us with them at the holidays -- there ought to be some opportunity for gratitude there.

Yes.. that's a great way to look at it. Find a way to enjoy your similarities instead of focusing on your differences. Family can be messy and crazy and annoying, but when taken as the whole package, as long as there's some germ of love and respect there, that package can be a wonderful thing--and it helps if you can keep from taking anything personally.

Is there any way you can find a way to "do your own thing" for a couple of those five days? Your hosts may even appreciate it. I do think what Groucho Marx said about fish and house guests is true--for both the host and the guest.

[mtnlaurel]

Another source of gratitude for me... after leaving intensive in-law visits I am very grateful that my DH has worked hard to reject some things from his family of origin and not bring them into his own life/actions. Another thing is that I am often filled with compassion for him following these visits (which really helps me in the end). I come from a pretty screwball family myself, but at least we all love each other & are demonstrative with our love.... that really doesn't always seem to be the case in DH's family.

[Zoebird]

i agree with that mtnlaurel.

I realized this morning -- when I was dreaming about my ILs being in my house! -- that my real fear is not for myself, but for my husband and son. My husband has worked really hard to get to where he is, but their criticism is so intense ALL the TIME on him. And he really gets frustrated for days without knowing why sometimes. . . and gets really irritable. . . and it's usually right after a call with his parents.

So, i'm more concerned about him than I am for me, really. I can see things and know how to cope and deflect and what not. But he's more "in it" than I am (as I am with my family), so he doesn't see it as quickly and ultimately it hurts him more.

[dado potato]

It may be possible to take a micro view, wherever you may be... Appreciating yeasts and molds, snowflakes, the night sky. Also, wherever you are, there YOU are. One can gush about the wonders of oneself, write poems, breathe diaphragmatically. I second the suggestions from ApatheticNoMore to research the place, if it is to be your first time there. History, architecture, civil engineering, arts & culture, folk music, flora & fauna, economic development, colleges, libraries, parks, etc. Sometimes a visitor's interests in such things brings out the best in the host family.

[razz]

Can you set boundaries? Define when you will be around and when not. You are recognizing and respecting that both parties need space from each other and ensuring that this happens as your gift to them. Setting stated boundaries is permissible and polite to your hosts as it lets them know where you are coming from and your respect for them.

Examples - I will be there for breakfast and will take the kids to the park. I will be there for supper and then play cards with the kids. DH and I usually take a long walk after lunch so will do so tomorrow... and so on.

[JaneV2.0]

My beloved used to make me a nice, bracing beverage before we set off on Christmas visits. It's not that the visits were that bad, but the drink didn't hurt and the idea of belting back a tall one at eight in the morning was kind of bracing all in itself. Not that I'm recommending such debauchery, of course...

[puglogic]

What a beautiful, touching, hilarious, naughty batch of replies. I feel like I can do this now. I'm always grateful for SLF, but especially grateful right now.

[Wildflower]

I don't see much of my ILs anymore since my MIL is in a nursing home now with dementia, we just don't get together for the holidays anymore, although we all spend time with MIL....just not all at once. It is too difficult for her.

But when we did spend holidays in the past with the ILs my strategy was always to maintain a low profile. We've always lived a simple and frugal lifestyle, largely because we had to, but I learned early on not to put it out there. We lived by example, did not preach it. Not saying anyone else here does that either. It was hard to witness the excesses over the years that could have better gone to charities or animal shelters, etc., but we grit our teeth, were pleasant, and did our own thing quietly. I think we gained their respect. Last time we were with SIL she commended us on our lifestyle and said she thought we were much smarter and happier than anyone else she knew. Who knew!!!! We were shocked.... She used to make us feel really bad at times in the past.

[Selah]

Great video, Catherine!