Need a check on my behavior... kind of long and rambling

[SiouzQ.]

Being that the majority of us are very introverted, I thought I would check in and get some feedback.

As you know, I have been working at Wholefoods for 6 months now. I still like it pretty much, though the holidays have been pretty hectic and I am feeling a little burned out by being an "extrovert on demand." I don't remember who coined the term for us here, but it describes me very well. I do my job well, and most of the time I like it and I am good at customer service, but honestly, at the end of the shift, I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE! But sometimes I want to go out to the bar if I am not too tired and just listen to music and not have to interact if I don't want to. I am perfectly happy to go places alone and just hang out, perhaps exchanging small talk and pleasantries but mainly I go to enjoy the music and a beer after work sometimes.

I rarely have two days off in a row, and half of those days is spent running errands, getting groceries, doing laundry, etc. Oh yeah, and I am a musician so I like to practice a lot (finally got the electric guitar)! I like to read, I like to sometimes watch shows on my computer, I like to just sit and think in the quiet about song ideas, I like to try to write. I also make jewelry and other artwork. There just is not enough time so I am VERY protective with the free time I have. Now that the roommate is gone it is a little easier to do whatever, whenever I want, so that is a plus.

But here is the rub ~ I hate planning and making commitments to do things with other people, because I never know how I am going to feel when the time comes. I prefer to just go with the flow, though I suspect that is kind of rude socially. Lately, I hardly ever answer my phone right away, or respond to texts. I am not depressed or isolated; this is what I find I really prefer. Maybe it is all part of the menopause thing, but I am finding myself even getting resentful when the guy I am still casually dating texts me and invites me to go to breakfast when I've barely gotten out of bed, having done the closing shift the night before. I had looked forward to my day off, which I had planned to spend in splendid isolation from the world (which I did, and am currently doing). Thing is, he's always asking me to do stuff and I keep putting him off so much that I feel guilty but I am finding it really hard to switch gears. I have discussed with him my true introverted nature, and he says he understands, but nevertheless, he still asks me to do lots of stuff. He is much more social than I, and he is also kind of retired at the moment, so he has LOTS of time, whereas I don't. It feels like he wants much more out of this dating thing than I do and it makes me uncomfortable at times.

I really, really need to talk it out with him and say something like "You are a fabulously sweet and supportive guy and I really appreciate all you have done and do for me, but at this point in my life that I am just not ready to be in a exclusive relationship", or something to that effect.

I just don't feel like doing much with anyone these days but like I said, I still like to go out sometimes and be around people but not necessarily have to do much interaction ~ is that weird or what? I am trying to honor myself and my quirks after a whole lifetime thinking I was defective or socially retarded. I'm not explaining this well, but I don't like it when I feel like others have put expectations on me to be a certain way, but in thinking that, maybe it sounds like I am just really selfish. So I don't know what to think. I am who I am.

Okay, my thread is falling apart here because I can't verbalize much of this to my satisfaction. I don't know what I need from this other than a place to sort it all out...I think I don't really mind being thought of a s weird though :laff:

[bunnys]

It sounds like he wants a relationship with you but you don't want to be in a relationship.

I'd either break up with him or spend some of that alone time trying to figure out why you remain in a relationship with a guy who you don't want to be in a relationship with.

There is NOTHING wrong with you not wanting to socialize. It's your life. But if you're in this relationship for the wrong reason and you're not being fair to this other person, that is wrong.

[Simplemind]

What you describe sounds normal to me. I am an introvert but prefer to schedule things in advance instead of doing things on the fly. I applaud you being in the moment and going with the flow. With that in mind, it should be pretty simple to tell somebody that you just aren't feeling it at the moment and suggest another time. I think setting boundaries to carve out time for yourself is healthy.

[Tradd]

Sounds like some honesty might be called for here. What's wrong with telling your friends that you're currently really drained with work, and can't tell ahead of time if you'll want to do something? "I'll call you if I'm up for something, but I'll understand if you're already booked." Let them know that the occasional "Are you still alive?" calls/texts/emails are welcome, it might just take you a bit to get back with them.

[HappyHiker]

Seems to me you're depleted by being in the public eye all day and having to act in a way that's contrary to your personality...the public, bless 'em, can really take a toll on you--extroverted or not. You need a goodly amount of solitary time to replenish your frazzled nerves.

You're not odd or different in this. I'm half intro and half extro but cannot take cocktail-type parties at all--find them very depleting and I just want to go home and curl up with a good book. There's a book about Highly Sensitive People who easily get sensory overload and need more solitude than others...

Tradd, above, had some good advice...that way, you're not always being put in the uncomfortable position to be saying "no," and you're taking control of your life.

[Dhiana]

I agree with what the others have said in their responses but I do have an additional thought:

Is it possible he is continually asking about doing so many things in hopes one of the options is one that will interest you? You mentioned he is an extrovert so maybe he just isn't sure what the best idea is. Going with the flow often means going over several options and choosing what fits best for that moment.
You're probably feeling a bit more stress from the holiday season, too, which should calm down after the New Year.

[Tammy]

Maybe you need to designate every other day off as just for you, and the opposite ones to spend with him. I'm working full time and my husband works seasonally. In his off seasons, it can feel like the moment I'm off work he wants to do things with me until the moment I return to work. I need time alone. Often just a few hours, but it makes all the difference. It just takes good communication, and the understanding that nobody needs to feel guilty about asking for what we need.

[SteveinMN]

SQ, I can sympathize with your behavior because I've been there myself. There was a period in my life when, between work and a couple of prolonged family emergencies, getting through a week was a major accomplishment. Keeping balance in all of this left no time for anyone else and I was straight out with my friends (and even key people at work) telling them that I was paddling very hard at the time and that it would get better in due time. My real good friends got it and knew not to expect much from me. I valued that very much. Some friends did not get it and I had to be okay with moving on from those relationships. Not good or bad; it just was. I had my needs; they had theirs.

I find nothing wrong with being straight out with all of your friends. You are happy they think of you, you appreciate being invited to events, but right now work is really hectic, so please don't count on me for events and please don't take it badly if I pass on the invitation. And vice versa. You may want to spend time with friends and find they're not available on short notice.

This goes double for sometime-BF. I think the two of you have been together long enough to sit down and be very honest about where each of you sees this relationship going. IIRC, SQ, you mentioned that sometimes this guy is a little slow to catch on to social cues. He may say he "understands" the situation, but maybe you need to go as far as saying you want to take a break from spending time with each other for ... a month? Two? Longer? He may not be happy about it, but if he wants to be around knowing you are doing what you can for now, fine. If he's been hoping this friendship will become more, "time off" may be enough for him to decide if he wants to wait.

[SiouzQ.]

I know, I really need to "man up" (is this sexist or what!) and just talk to him. I have NO IDEA why I am being so evasive with this guy, other than I just don't want to hurt his feelings. We actually haven't been doing that much together in the last two months, but...part of the problem is that we have a lot of mutual friends and they all think we are "together" as a couple but we are not. We spent a lot of time with each other over the summer when I had boundless energy and am very social (it's very cyclical with me; the winter is hard and I just want to be quiet and hibernate and do my own thing without having someone else to be concerned about). I am also very PMessy right now and this ALWAYS happens, it's right on time, in fact, I bet if you look back about a month ago I was moaning about the same issue!.

I had such a wonderful day, all by myself - I made 6 pairs of earrings, two bracelets (X-mas gifts), went to the thrift store and found some stuff (only spent $10) and got some groceries, thought about a song I am going to begin writing, cooked a big pot of stew, and went to see a blues band at the bar I've been going to on the weekends. What I really, really want to do is take some lessons on this new electric guitar to get me going. I've been sitting in with various bands each week and singing a song or two and it's going really well. It is on my bucket list to be able to someday be up there playing blues with the boys, instead of just singing. It is my passion and I want to finally take the time to really honor that. I can envision myself being able to do it; I just need to learn the rote muscle memory and practice, practice, practice!
Anyway, I digress... it really is the same old, same old with me...just trying to figure it out and find balance and not hurt someone who doesn't deserve it.

[mira]

Definitely spell out your feelings to him in a direct, courteous way. Don't be nervous about it - it's definitely more considerate to his feelings than continuing to just turn down his offers.

[SteveinMN]

I have NO IDEA why I am being so evasive with this guy, other than I just don't want to hurt his feelings.
I've been the "dumper" and I've been the "dumpee". The conversation is never a pleasant one to hold. But adults understand beyond the discomfort and the hurt that clarity is their friend and that -- since it does not appear you're not traveling in the same direction now -- the outcome of that conversation will leave you both to move in the directions you want.


We actually haven't been doing that much together in the last two months, but...part of the problem is that we have a lot of mutual friends and they all think we are "together" as a couple but we are not.
It might be an interesting exercise to reflect upon what external clues supported your friends' perception. Also, I am living proof that it is possible to have even deep romantic relationships with women and remain friends (all of this before-marriage, of course). Your friend truly may be okay with staying as friends. For all you know, he may need a push to look for a new romantic relationship while the two of you are "together".

[kally]

sounds like you need to work the relationship thing out and likely end it.

As for friends, think of it from their point of view. If you say to me "I am really drained, so I might catch up with me, but go ahead and if you are booked that is totally fine." then I will probably do that. So at some point, you might find that your friends have gotten away from you and you might not want that.

Perhaps you have one friend that you can spend time with from time to time. I am not criticizing you in any way, but I have a friend who is sort of like you and I no longer really include her in my plans. If she turns up, that is nice, but I always feel she has missed out on a lot.

Just my 2 cents.

[Lainey]

So at some point, you might find that your friends have gotten away from you and you might not want that.

. . . I am not criticizing you in any way, but I have a friend who is sort of like you and I no longer really include her in my plans. If she turns up, that is nice, but I always feel she has missed out on a lot.


kally - I'm with you on this. Part of being a friend is Maintaining the Friendship. There are certainly times in everyone's life that one's personal issues take priority - e.g., heavy family or work responsibilities - and true friends understand you need to disappear for a while.
But otherwise, there are plenty of times when it's going to be inconvenient to meet up with a friend for whatever reason, but in the interest of actually having and keeping friends, you have to push past that.

[Blackdog Lin]

Yep, gotta respond and agree with kally and Lainey - friendships, the same as relationships and marriages, take some commitment. While not addressing the romantic aspect, SQ, which only you can decide if it is worth maintaining.....ANY friendship is gonna involve sometimes doing what we introverts don't feel like doing: that is, getting together and socializing.

I have a couple of close friends that I truly love - and I'm certain of their love for me - but I still know that if I neglected them for too long a time, that love would.....wither. I sometimes have to get off my butt and do what I don't feel like doing to maintain the ties.....you know?