Have you ever given up on a relative?

[kally]

I am beginning to think the problems between me and my sib are just too great to overcome. We are such different people and we see things so differently. There is nothing awful or tramatic going on, just blame on both sides that goes so far back.

When I have to deal with all the "talks" I find it discouraging and energy sapping. I love the kids and would miss being able to see them, but sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it.

Anyone ever been in this situation.

[bunnys]

Yes. I have had these issues with family members. I have become estranged w/ family members.

Sometimes the history is so long and fraught with problems and unhappiness it's just better and easier to cut it off, once and for all. I have never regretted cutting off a family member and never gone back for another whack at it, either. There's too many other wonderful people in the world to worry about recycling old, broken relationships that are only based on shared DNA anyway.

You probably already know what the best thing to do here is. You may not yet be willing to accept it.

[SteveinMN]

Never been in such a position myself with a family member other than one cousin who has been bound and determined to do what she wants (drinking, drugs, refusing medical treatment for serious health issues), and, in that case, pretty much the entire family has written her off. Sad, but she has made her decisions.

The only thing that occurs to me in this situation is that her kids involuntarily do without a cool auntie. Any way your relationship with the kids could be maintained with just minimal (i.e., civil) contact with your sister?

[awakenedsoul]

Yes, due to alcoholism and drugs. I have so much of that in my family. But, I have some close friends that I worked with as a dancer, and I keep in touch with them. They feel more like spiritual family. Same thing on line...I don't read posts if I get a bad feeling from the person. I'm sensitive to energy, and I stick with what feels healthy and energizing.

[Rosemary]

Yes, my uncle's wife. She seems to have some sort of problem with me that I really don't understand. She has avoided us - and kept her kids, my cousins - away from our last 3 1200-mile trips to visit the family in their area. I've decided I'm not going to bother with her anymore. I'll still send the kids birthday cards.

[Simpler at Fifty]

I have given up on my Sister. I could have written your first 3 sentences. We never got along great and when our parents passed it just went downhill from there. We exchanged Christmas gifts each year and that was it. Then I sent an email that I thought it would be good to stop the exchange (not in those words) and she got really mad. That stopped communication except when a fam member passed, then she will email me. I did not see the kids for several years but 2 of the 3 email me regularly now and 1 calls a couple times a month. The years I missed out with the kids they were little terrors. They had started getting there right before DM passed and then afterwards it was worse. I like being friends with them now. When I first met DH and would talk about DS he said he did not think I had tried hard enough. Then we went up there so he could meet them. They treated him like dirt. He has never pressed me to 'try' again. I had a FB account and we friended each other. I posted only very positive things on her page and she never posted a thing on mine. I think there are relationships that can be mended and some that cannot. I have made peace with it.

Kally it is a big decision. It certainly wont be easy but you will know what to do when the time is right.

[Maxamillion]

I gave up on my youngest sister a long time ago. We've never gotten along and she's got a pretty horrible personality. I do my best to stay civil when I'm visiting her and my mom (she lives with my mom) so that I still can visit with my niece and nephews, but apart from that I have as little contact with her as possible.

[ctg492]

Yes I have.
We do not pick our family, I always try to remember that.

[Fawn]

Yes, I have.
I will be civil when we must be in the same room, but do not seek out contact. And if said person goes on one of the characteristic rants: I will make eye contact, and say, "Wow! That was inappropriate." And then walk away.

[Jill]

Yep, and more than one of them at that. I'm far from perfect, but I try to be nice and civil to people and I expect others to do the same, especially family. When I am constantly mistreated by a family member and history suggests that that person is not likely to change, I have to cut them loose. When somebody adds nothing to my life but negativity, I don't feel that DNA and some shared (unpleasant) history are enough to overcome that. In particular, I have no use for adults who mistreat children then expect to be welcomed into the child's life after they are grown. I firmly believe that those foundations need to be laid early.

[Bootsie]

Yes, I have.

About five years ago I attended a family event and realized that the way my family talks to me is MEAN. A light bulb went off that they have always talked to me like that, and I finally realized I didn't have to listen. Basically, they tell me that they didn't want me to be born, that I held back my parents when they were looking forward to an empty nest, that I was an unwelcome addition to the family. I grew up feeling invisible and it dawned on me why I feel that way, and I wanted to break free.

I didn't cause a scene or announce my decision. I probably should have addressed the issue head-on because that might have solved the problem and saved relationships, but my heart wasn't into saving relationships. I just wanted out. I quietly but deliberately detached. Any correspondence was cordial, but that's it. I live on the other side of the county from my family so it was easy to avoid seeing them in person, and email correspondence is now at a minimum, usually of a newsy sort.

As time has passed, I have softened and I am becoming a bit more open to restoring relationships, but I'm not actively pushing it. I have changed, but I don't think my sibs have changed.

I'm at peace with the detachment and I hope you will be too.

[bae]

I have given up on my sister. I will not speak to her, or have contact of any sort. I have had restraining orders against her in the past to keep her away from the rest of my family. She is dead to me.

This has recently been causing me some friction. My mother has resumed contact with Evil Sister, and is pressuring me to reestablish relations myself. Which I simply refuse to do - I told my mother I valued the mental health and safety of my wife and child far more than any possible relationship with my sister. So Mom is upset.

I also will not interact with several of my aunts/uncles/cousins, because about 15 years ago, they so tremendously attacked and insulted my father for being gay that there is no longer any common bond between us.

[peggy]

I hope you are keeping an eye on your mom, bae. From what you have said about your sister, she sounds like the type of person who would try to manipulate your mom into giving her pretty much anything, including access to her assets. Unfortunately I am dealing with this very issue with a sister of mine.

[bae]

Considering that she has robbed both my Mom and Dad's homes multiple times in the past, and defrauded them each out of a mid-sized fortune already, yes, that is an issue of concern :-(

I figure a grown woman who sells off her own children to fund her lifestyle, and aborts the ones she can't find buyers for, simply isn't to be trusted, ever.

[HappyHiker]

Yes, I've given up on my older brother...he's the polar opposite of me in every manner--politically and socially. He's a huge bigot...picture Archie Bunker, only more so...it was hard to find any common ground for any sort of discussion...and as he feels the same way about me, we've "divorced."

Haven't seen nor spoken to him in 25 years...his two sons, my nephews, are in touch through Facebook...as I'm very fortunate in having a wonderful family of "choice," do not feel a lack of close family.

And my other brother is cool and we're close.