Decluttering....friends

[herbgeek]

Indulging my end-of-the-year retrospection:

I intentionally have a less than full schedule (at least compared to most people). As a result, I often do most of the organizing of get togethers, or checking in with people over email when I haven't heard from them for a while. Well at least that's what I told myself.

I intentionally pulled back from this activity this year. I guess it was a test of sorts. I wanted to find out if my friendship was really valuable, or if people were doing things just because I made it easy for them to do so. And I found that my friendship really isn't that valuable to the people that I thought it was. Ouch. On top of that, I was long term unemployed and really needed the support that just wasn't there. I rarely mentioned the job search, so it wasn't like they could have gotten tired of my whining. It just would have been nice to get an occasional email of "How are you doing- is everything ok"

I'd had a group of 3 women that I'd been friends with for about 8-9 years and we met every few months for dinner and catching up. The last few years I noticed it was harder to get everyone to agree on a date (one woman I know had a tough work assignment where she was in Phoenix every other week and back in New England the other week, this assignment has since finished). Recently one of the other women finally said hey its been a while since we all got together, how about Christmas week? I responded with yes, I'm off that week, but I can't normally meet after work because I'm working [in a city that is in the opposite direction of where they all are and would take me 1.5-2 hours to get to a convenient location to them]. Not a word from anyone. Not a "congrats!" or "where are you working?". Just. Silence.

Hard to let go of what used to be close friendships, and people you shared your inner secrets with.

Another woman I went to college with. After her mom died about a dozen years ago, she left corporate America and became a massage therapist and energy healer. I've always been encouraging her on this path, but she is mildly disdainful that I have intentionally gone back to corporate life. She used to see me frequently when she went to a naturopath near my house, and she would stay over (she lives 1.5 hours away) but since the doctor visits stopped, I never see her. Even when I offer to drive up to her area. She is polite, but I know she doesn't share much with me. She also joined a religion that seems to be a little exclusive of outsiders so I guess that's part of it as well. Since its a big part of her life, and she isn't allowed to share with outsiders, there is really just small talk left. I get that.

I saw these women as people I would grow old along with, but that was an illusion in my own mind. If people would discard my friendship so easily, perhaps there wasn't as much there as I thought.

Anyone gone through this and care to commiserate and share their stories? I do have other friends, and family, and a spouse so its not like I'm completely isolated, but I am grieving over what I thought I had.

[Kat]

(((herbgeek))) I could have written your post. I have also had to let go of one-sided relationships (i.e. the ones in which I have had to make all of the effort), and it hurt to realize that people meant more to me than I meant to them. I know in some cases, it was simply an issue of busyness. This is, unfortunately, very common in our plugged-in, work-work-work society. People don't always realize that in the pursuit of "X" (money, career advancement, etc.), they are neglecting their relationships and hurting those around them. Once you are on that "go, go, go" treadmill, it is very hard to get off. Maybe not for simple livers like us, but for people who do not share our mindset, slowing down and "giving up" the things they worked hard for is a foreign concept.

I wish I could offer some words or comfort and encouragement, but I struggle with this, too. What I have found helps me the most is simply treasuring the relationships I do have and realizing that letting go of the ones that don't work allows me to pour more of myself into the ones that do. I find that having fewer, deeper relationships is more satisfying than having several, more "surface" ones.

[citrine]

I could have written your post as well! I am not sure why your friend who left corporate to become a massage therapist and energy healer would be so disdainful....I did the same thing myself and in the process, I have learned to be more accepting of other people rather than judgmental.
I lost all of my friends to marriage and babies within a span of two years...quite frankly, I could care less about the projectile vomiting and colic stories! When we do run into each other, they always say that "oh, we have to get together!" and I just smile and say sure, give me a call.....still waiting for the call ;)
I also get advice from them that I should get another job to supplement my off time and make more money and I tell them they should look into staying home with the kids instead of paying for day care!
I have had to find my own friends and many of them are on these sites. Thank god I have a husband I love and awesome clients who have become friends. I also have so many interests and am also learning something new every day that it does not matter as much as it did before. But I do understand the loss....((((big hugs))))

[Float On]

I decluttered all the people I didn't really like a few years back and then thought I'd develop new friendships under my new standards. I've found it really hard to find these new and wonderful friends.

[SteveinMN]

I've also seen several friendships just kind of peter out. One close friend -- a guy I'd known for 10+ years -- retired to Texas. We'd talk on the phone (not that I really like talking on the phone) and swap emails. But it just wasn't the same. It was pretty much impossible to get together for a beer or two or see a movie or something. I lost another long-time friend to -- well, I call it his inability to hear what I was telling him I needed and my inability at the time to deal with accommodating peoples' foibles. Another one got busy with new jobs and a longer commute and kids, one of which is a special-needs child. I really have not decluttered as much as my tree of friends has lost a number of leaves to storms.

I expect that my retiring from IT is going to cost me a few more relationships as my former colleagues end up trying to do even more with less and I am no longer an instant message or hallway encounter away. I'm already wondering what to do with all my IT LinkedIn relationships; they don't really fit where I am now in life and it's not like I can function in that capacity as a site like LinkedIn demands.

On the other hand, I have to say my wife's male friends have welcomed me openly. I don't kid myself that I will be as close to them as I was with my "lost" friends. But I have been developing relationships with them that go beyond discussing sports and work. It will take time and an amount of effort on my part to keep up. I'm willing to make the effort, though. And I have some very good virtual friendships. I'm glad the Internet can enable those.

[creaker]

Everything changes - relationships especially. As I've gotten older I've tried to move away from the "grow old with" expectation with relationships, and try to just appreciate the moments more since I know they'll likely not last.

I can imagine that would be very hard for some people - being a service brat it was kind of a way of life growing up. But I see people avoid relationships because they won't be "deep" or long lasting and I don't understand that at all. It's like not going out and enjoying the summer or a vacation because it's not going to last.

I also see folks not working on establishing new relationships and then lamenting they don't have friends anymore. It's always a work in progress. Everything changes.

[Bootsie]

BTDT. I have decluttered a few friendships and it was for the best.

I do have to say, however, that what you describe seems very typical of current-day interactions. I think people are overwhelmed with emails and it's not a joy to reply to them, even for enjoyable events.

People really are (too) busy and coordinating get-togethers is definitely a job. Some people might use their busy-ness as an excuse to drift away, but I think it's possible that people really do want the friendships but are too tired to manage them. So...the question is do we dump those people or nurture the friendship is a new way? I ask myself this question as well as ask you.

One of my personal goals, after decluttering some one-sided and shallow friendships, is to make efforts at relationships that I want to keep. Perhaps that means I accept that communication will be sparse. Perhaps I accept that I will be the one to initiate activities. Like you, I often am the person who has the time and interest in being The Organizer, so maybe I need to accept this as my gift to the group. Perhaps I accept the other people don't really care about the friendship, and I can let them slip away. (And I can be open to accepting them back later, when life changes once again.)

FWIW, I have found that Facebook is actually helpful in keeping a relationship going, and sending SHORT messages to show interest in other's happening and/or to make plans works much better than email in my experience. FB has enhanced my in-person friendships. People often mention they use FB to keep in touch with long-lost friends or out-of-town relatives, but FB works well for keeping in touch with local people, too. Just a thought.

Of course, sometimes there simply comes a time to let a friendship go. It's disappointing, but can be liberating as well.

[awakenedsoul]

My friendships have changed a lot, too. Most of my close friends were people from work. Once I stopped performing, many of them got married and had children. They're very busy. I still hear from some of them once a year at Christmastime. I don't do social networking, as that kind of thing stresses me out. I have several neighbors that I chat with when I'm walking my dogs. Have you tried taking a class? That's a good way to meet people. I think with the way the world has changed, people feel a pressure to work and become burnt out. I've also found that my values have changed. I started to clash with some of my closest friends from my twenties. I guess it's just life...

[Mrs-M]

I had a friend, a good friend, a longtime friend, and all was well until DH and I, started a family, then the trouble started. She became incredibly jealous. I noticed the jealously when I was pregnant with our second/third child, and that's when her true-colours started coming out. At times she displayed outright bitterness towards me.

What she failed to tell me, was that she and her husband were trying (and trying) to have a baby for years, however, due to complications related to my friend, getting pregnant just wasn't happening. Once I found out about her struggles, I tried all sorts of things to encourage her, build her hopes up, support her, build her self-esteem, yet (so it seemed), no matter how much effort I made to console here, she had a way of throwing it right back in my face and rubbing it around.

Long story short, I was busy, super busy, and between trying to care for little ones, keep a house running smoothly, take care of my husband, etc, and, supporting my friend with every ounce and last bit of energy I had left, something had to give, and sadly, the give, was our friendship, although towards the end there wasn't much of a friendship left anyways.

She quit calling me, she quit dropping by for coffee, she even took to shunning me when I ran into her while out shopping. That hurt so bad, because not only was I hurting for the closeness we once shared, I was also hurting for her, knowing how defeated she was. Then came the finale (won't get into it), but it was that event that was the breaker for me, and it was at that very instance that I chose to permanently declutter her from my life. The end.

Herbgeek. I want you to stop grieving. My mom has a collector plate that hangs in her kitchen that reads;

True friends are like diamonds, precious but rare
false friends are like Autumn leaves, found everywhere

That plate has hung in my moms kitchen since us kids were little, real little, so you can only imagine how many times (as a kid) that I read it.

I want you to remember that saying.

[Zoebird]

I have a take on this somewhere between Mrs.M and Bootsie.

Starting on the Bootsie side of things, people are busy. My husband and I are so ridiculously busy that we have zero bandwidth to plan anything -- even things for ourselves. Turns out, most of our friends are the same. You might just call them acquaintances or autumn leaves, but we see them as friends. Most of them are working here in the film industry -- which has extreme hours -- have a family as well, and everyone needs "down time" to themselves and just with their SO and family. Seriously, it's just true.

That being said, I can understand the frustration and sadness of this situation. It's about the level of overall investment in the person and relationship -- how far you are willing to go, btu they aren't willing to reciprocate. And you aren't even asking for "in kind" you are asking for "the most modest amount."

So, yes, I understand entirely.

I am in a space of "wait and see" with a friend. I spent a lot of time with her, helping her out, hanging out, chatting, whatever. About 4 months ago, she just disappeared more or less, and while I made sure it was smooth more or less. . . and. . . well, I haven't heard from her. I figured that, at this point, I would just wait and see when/if she would contact me. So far, not much. I did contact her for a bit of a business thing (tying off some loose ends), but that was it. Her response was very slow, and the ultimate rsult was disappointing, and there hasnt' been any contact since.

Ah well, what can you do?

[TMC]

A wise person once told me that we grow and change as people and many friends are seasonal.

It has proven to be true in my life. I was one of the first ones to be married out of my school friends and it meant those relationships drifted away. Many of those friends were still out partying and I was going home to my DH.

When my children were little I had a great many friends in a Moms group I belonged to where we were all sort of afloat in a sea of being lost raising toddlers together. :). Eventually kids grew, Mom's got jobs or moved away, we move on.

I once had someone I thought was an extremely close friend for years but as time went by I realized I was only her fallback friend, when she had time and needed a friend, not when I needed a friend.

I now have a very nice group of friends that I meet for breakfast from time to time....some come and go....everyone is busy with living their lives. I used to be bothered by it but I think it's just to a certain extent, life.