View Full Version : The "NO" Thread
fidgiegirl
1-28-13, 11:29am
I know for many people it's a challenge to say "no," and that for many, learning to say no is a big part of designing a simpler life. If we let other people dictate to us our activities, our way of being, how we will spend our time, and lock into the roller coaster (or hamster wheel) track of life, we will go right along and then look back and say "Hey! That wasn't what I wanted!"
So anyway!
I am always working on saying no, but after a lot of years, it's getting a lot easier. I am planning to text my friends after this and bow out of an invite to go to Vegas. Doesn't sound fun, not where I want to spend my money, and I'll have a chance to see one of them a few weeks before the Vegas trip anyway (she lives out of state).
My most recent most difficult "no" was a game night we have a few times a year with several couples. We had it set for a Saturday in December. Great. Then someone couldn't come so it got changed to a Saturday in January. Fine. Then (of course) someone ELSE couldn't make it so the hostess inquired about changing it to a Friday night. We don't do Friday nights because of the poor doggies and because we are generally exhausted, and we said so. Well, all told, they changed it anyway, but we had made the mistake of saying the truth about our "no" - should have just said we had other plans. They "encouraged" us to come anyway, but it was over the top and was more of a guilt trip. We never did go, but felt horrible about it and like we were overreactive, weirdo doggy parents and didn't even enjoy our quiet evening home together. Well, this last Friday night we did go out for a rare event that was being put on and if we wanted to go, we had to make that choice. So some of the same friends were there and still gave us a hard time! And truth be told, I wish we had skipped that event too, even though it was really fun, because poor Gus was simply in a state when we got home. Oh well, he is still alive and I've re-learned yet another lesson about saying no - sometimes the person hearing it doesn't need to know the whole truth - usually, "sorry, we can't" is simpler and easier for them to hear than the real truth anyway.
How about you? I would also be curious to know if any of the men in our group have as much angst around "no" as the women, or maybe I'm singular in that regard!
Trying to say "NO" more at work, simply for the fact that the more I do, the more is demanded while others have sat back for years.
Simplemind
1-28-13, 1:15pm
My husband and I talk about this often. I have no problem saying no. Just no and perhaps a thanks for thinking of me. I rarely offer an explanation. My husband has a hard time saying no and when he does he offers up a an excuse. If you stay silent he will keep talking and slather on more. No is complete.
Sometimes you just have other plans but when you just don't want to participate it is best to say no and offer nothing more. When you do the other person will often change dates etc in order to break you down.
We have a dinner group that meets once a month. We have been together for just short of 20 years. We all love each other and it is rare that anybody misses. For health reasons we wanted to miss in December. The group kept offering to change dates and rearranging schedules in order to accomodate. The problem was my husband didn't want to be accomodated he just wanted some time out. I had to insist that they go forward without us but they decided to cancel altogether. Although we appreciate that it was an act of solidarity, it made my husband feel worse than he already did.
I have 3 kids, it comes naturally to me.
I too have been practicing NO for a long time. It is getting better, but I still tend to have the knot in the stomach trying to please everyone. I have learned to say" No, I'm sorry, I just can't." It works for the persistent naggers who don't like to hear no. But, I prefer to be able to just say no, thanks for asking. I am NEVER sorry when I have said no and the event comes around and I'm not going, so my NOs get reinforced well.
Thanks for starting this thread, Fidgie. I needed to read the responses. Life is changing for me and I need to find the new paths that lie ahead. I needed to find a way to say 'no' to others for at least a year. This has helped.
I have no problem saying no for the most part, however I do on occasion feel a bit guilty if I'm saying no too often (to friends who want to do stuff). otherwise, I can say no to most things with no guilt.
I had to say no to a fairly important community meeting coming up this Wednesday. Why? Because it's my birthday, and I'm already not feeling very celebratory. I can't imagine how depressed I'd be if I just threw in the towel and pretended it was just another day. So I said no, in the hopes that something lovely will arise between now and then :)
I do find that difficult, but practice is making it a bit easier. As for any guilt, that will probably take more time. For now, the important thing is that I decline when I need to do so. Sometimes it is not a need, just a preference; just as valid.
treehugger
1-28-13, 7:25pm
I had to say no to a fairly important community meeting coming up this Wednesday. Why? Because it's my birthday, and I'm already not feeling very celebratory. I can't imagine how depressed I'd be if I just threw in the towel and pretended it was just another day. So I said no, in the hopes that something lovely will arise between now and then :)
Pug, happy early birthday! Make sure to say yes to any birthday-celebrating opportunities that come your way, even if it's just in the form of a free ice cream cone from Baskin Robbins. :)
I hadn't posted on this thread yet because this is not one of my personal challenges. I have lots of faults and failings, but not being able to say "No" isn't one of them. Best of luck to those trying to change their ways.
Kara
I find that sometimes I say "no" because it's comfortable to do so. :~)
More seriously, it's gotten much easier to say no. Over the last few years I've really started paying attention to where my time and energy goes, because it seems the supply of both keeps decreasing. As a result, I have tried to eliminate projects and events that I took on out of habit or guilt. When I say yes now, I'm fully on board. No more running myself down trying to do things for pretty much anyone who asked and ending up stringing people along when I should have told them no right away, or doing a half-a**ed job on something for which I did not give myself enough time (which served neither me nor the asker). I'd rather do what I do well and happily.
Sometimes it's easy for me to say no, but I always feel this need to give an explanation. I don't like lying but sometimes I'll fib a bit to get out of something. Just gotta learn to say "NO" and end it there.
iris lily
1-28-13, 11:24pm
Sometimes it's easy for me to say no, but I always feel this need to give an explanation. I don't like lying but sometimes I'll fib a bit to get out of something. Just gotta learn to say "NO" and end it there.
haha! yup, that's me. I have no trouble saying "no." Honestly, our friends are used to us so if it's just a social thing that I don't want to attend, I just say "no" or "no, that's not my thing" and no one pressures anyone to do anything.
The volunteer stuff is a little trickier because there is so much need out there.
The denominational group I've been involved with for some years has outlived its usefulness. Part of the issue is that few are now involved or want to be. Active members have either died, moved away, or cannot be involved any longer due to health issues. A number of us went to December meeting intending this to be the last meeting. Period. Someone else with a strong personality sort of took over and has strong-armed a number of people into certain roles. I'd been president for four years (and involved for at least four years before that), and I have other interests and focuses now, most of which are professional. Someone has been trying to get me to attend a meeting later this week. I'm not going and said so. My excuse of something work-related wasn't good enough. As I said at the last meeting, I did not appreciate the kickback and guilt tripping I was being given by some people due to my bowing out for professional reasons. I mentioned I was sure if would not be given the same hassle if I gave "family" as my reason for no longer being involved. But I frankly didn't care and wouldn't be around.
What part of no don't they understand?!
ETA: I have NO problem with saying no at work. If someone wants me to do something/find info for them and I can't (for time reasons or I can't answer question), I say so. No one gets on my case.
ApatheticNoMore
1-29-13, 1:00am
Well it's very rare I ever end up doing anything I don't want to (except if they pay me). So I guess I'm not that bad in the "no" department, but I do sometimes procrastinate and feel a bit bad before finally giving that "no".
goldensmom
1-29-13, 6:14am
I always feel that I need an excuse or reason to say ‘no’ and it is usually a well planned out and rehearsed ‘no’ if I have a feeling that the question may be coming. Recently, out of the blue, I was asked to do something and I reactively said ‘no’ with no explanation. I surprised the asker but surprised myself more. I felt right and good about it but had to mull over the results of my refusal and decided I did not need to worry about it because the question was unreasonable. I feel that if I can accommodate someone I should, it’s part of what I do, but sometimes I can say ‘no’ and not be selfish/self-centered especially if the request is unreasonable.
SteveinMN
1-29-13, 10:08am
What part of no don't they understand?!
I've participated in a few organizations like that; some service-related, some not. I had to leave one group because I insisted I would not serve a third term as President when no one else volunteered to take the position. What really grinds my gears in situations like these is when people who've participated in the group for years at the lowest possible level try to guilt you into taking on more responsibility or not taking a well-deserved break. If the organization is so important to them, why don't they take on the task?
I get better and better at saying "NO", the older I get. Saying, NO, now, is as easy for me as saying, yes.
Gardenarian
1-29-13, 1:03pm
Health challenges in the past year have made me much more protective of my time and space, and I'm learning to sometimes put myself first. Wish I learned sooner!
...when people who've participated in the group for years at the lowest possible level try to guilt you into taking on more responsibility or not taking a well-deserved break. If the organization is so important to them, why don't they take on the task?
or my current favorite: sniping at the current President of our plant society who DID take on the role and who IS being a decent learder. The snipers act as though there is an entire cadre of qualified, interested candidates for the Presidency. umm. there is NO ONE ELSE who will do it. Get real, people.
Everyone here is so nice about saying, 'no.'
Too often someone will ask me and the first time I'll very politely say, 'no, thank you.' The second time they ask, I'll very politely say, 'no, thank you.'
The third time they ask me I say, 'I have very politely said, "no, thank you," twice already. Now, go away!' and then glare at them until they scurry away :)
Well it's very rare I ever end up doing anything I don't want to (except if they pay me). So I guess I'm not that bad in the "no" department, but I do sometimes procrastinate and feel a bit bad before finally giving that "no".
My hero.:D
or my current favorite: sniping at the current President of our plant society who DID take on the role and who IS being a decent learder. The snipers act as though there is an entire cadre of qualified, interested candidates for the Presidency. umm. there is NO ONE ELSE who will do it. Get real, people.
IL, I *was* the only one who was willing to be president of the organization I was involved with - four years ago. I served as president for four years (2 x 2 year terms). People were actually asking if I wanted to do it again, but were stymied by the by-laws, which only allow 2 consecutive terms in a particular position.
fidgiegirl
1-29-13, 10:27pm
Interestingly, and this is something I hadn't thought of when I put up the original post, I have had to say no a LOT at work this year. My position was new last year, and there were two of us doing it. After the initial grant money ran out, they found money to keep one of us, and I was the lucky one . . . but it meant drawing some boundaries, which six months later we continue to have to do. It's not anyone being bad by asking what they are asking for, just confused on whose role it is to support them. So then we are very conscious not to try to set unsustainable precedents and have had to say no several times. It makes it easier that the word "instructional" is in my title - makes it easier to clarify what kinds of tasks are part of my work. (I support teachers in using classroom technology - instructional technology.)
I've said no to so many people so many times that nobody invites me to do anything anymore. Done!
I've said no to so many people so many times that nobody invites me to do anything anymore. Done!
Me too! I'm left off the party sign-up list at work because of this.
Grumpy Cat is here to help! :laff:
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fidgiegirl
1-31-13, 7:34pm
LOL, AustinKat!
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