how often do you yell or lose your temper at someone in your family

[Zoe Girl]

I did lose my temper today and i feel justfied. I am sure there was some lovely way I could have handled it, but probably not. I got home, the person in charge of dinner had not even looked at the dishes needing to be done, much less make dinner. I heard the 'I didn't know' and 'why am I the only one responsible just because I didn't have work today'. I just didn't care, and I got an angry messy dinner at least, it was dinner. I asked about the other looming financial issues and got excuses. If I see a complaint on facebook about me I may lose my temper again,

I don't lose my temper all that often, maybe once a month. I was testy with my other kids but they also went out of their way to clean some bigthings this weekend. So I went out of my way to cook most of the weekend and do all the dishes.

Buddhist parents can lose their temper, right?

[Wildflower]

They sure can!

Sounds like to me you were justified in losing your temper.... Sometimes kids need a harsh nudge or they will just walk all over you.

Loving my empty nest these days! ;)

[goldensmom]

I sure can see your frustration and understand your reaction. I posed the question to my husband ‘have you ever seen me lose my temper’ and without hesitation he said no, never. It’s not that I don’t get upset I just deal with it differently, I clam up or say something like ‘I’m so disappointed, I really wish you would have (insert action here). I remember vividly several occasions when I was a young child and my mother got mad at me and said harsh words that are imprinted on my mind to this day and I vowed at a young age that I would never say a negative word that might imprint on another. My father never once said anything negative to me and that is a vivid recollection as well. It’s interesting that we tend to treat those closest to us the harshest.

[CaseyMiller]

It sounds like you were very justified to me. Of course the problem with driving behavior that way is the emotional toll such outbursts take on us.

I feel emotionally exhausted after losing my temper along with having feelings of guilt and embarrassment. Because of this, I rarely lose my temper anymore. The price is just too high.

[Zoe Girl]

It is interesting and helpful to go back and reflect. I didn't say anything I regret so I am okay with myself there, I did yell the facts, this person did not do any jobs around the house that day, over the weekend everyone picked a chore except her, it was past 7 pm and that is well past our established dinner time, and it was her turn. I am careful about putting judgements in and so I don't do that. Reflecting afterwards, I am more frustrated and angry actually. It takes a tremendous amount of work on my part to get this one person to pull her weight. Lots of reasons but I am okay with yelling sometimes when i am exhausted and see little progress.

It was a day yesterday where Miss Zoe Girl had to be on everyone's case. I had 3 behavior conferences for bad behavior with kids, I have 2 staff talks I need to do today and I found out my homework club stole something from the room we meet in so that is 15 kids I need to confront and then move the group. Too bad the cafeteria is already in use, there is almost nothing they can steal there.

[larknm]

I think yelling at people doesn't motivate them, just drives them away. I've been changed by quietly-stated, briefly-stated observations.

[Mrs-M]

Originally posted by Zoe Girl.
Buddhist parents can lose their temper, right?Right! I'm a Buddhist parent, and have lost my temper many times, however, our two youngest came from an abusive home, so I've altered and changed my ways (full circle), compared to the manner in which I used to lay the law down before their arrival. I now practice, Zen parenting.

[Gardenarian]

I often find myself thinking of this passage from "Little Women":

...I am angry nearly every day of my life, Jo, but I have learned not to show it, and I still hope to learn not to feel it, though it may take me another forty years to do so.

The patience and the humility of the face she loved so well was a better lesson to Jo than the wisest lecture, the sharpest reproof. She felt comforted at once by the sympathy and confidence given her. The knowledge that her mother had a fault like hers, and tried to mend it, made her own easier to bear and strengthened her resolution to cure it, though forty years seemed rather a long time to watch and pray to a girl of fifteen.

Mother, are you angry when you fold your lips tight together and go out of the room sometimes, when Aunt March scolds or people worry you? asked Jo, feeling nearer and dearer to her mother than ever before.

Yes, I've learned to check the hasty words that rise to my lips, and when I feel that they mean to break out against my will, I just go away for a minute, and give myself a little shake for being so weak and wicked, answered Mrs. March with a sigh and a smile, as she smoothed and fastened up Jo's disheveled hair.

How did you learn to keep still? That is what troubles me, for the sharp words fly out before I know what I'm about, and the more I say the worse I get, till it's a pleasure to hurt people's feelings and say dreadful things. Tell me how you do it, Marmee dear.

My good mother used to help me . . .

As you do us . . . interrupted Jo, with a grateful kiss.

But I lost her when I was a little older than you are, and for years had to struggle on alone, for I was too proud to confess my weakness to anyone else. I had a hard time, Jo, and shed a good many bitter tears over my failures, for in spite of my efforts I never seemed to get on. Then your father came, and I was so happy that I found it easy to be good. But by-and-by, when I had four little daughters round me and we were poor, then the old trouble began again, for I am not patient by nature, and it tried me very much to see my children wanting anything.

Poor Mother! What helped you then?

Your father, Jo. He never loses patience, never doubts or complains, but always hopes, and works and waits so cheerfully that one is ashamed to do otherwise before him. He helped and comforted me, and showed me that I must try to practice all the virtues I would have my little girls possess, for I was their example. It was easier to try for your sakes than for my own. A startled or surprised look from one of you when I spoke sharply rebuked me more than any words could have done, and the love, respect, and confidence of my children was the sweetest reward I could receive for my efforts to be the woman I would have them copy.

Oh, Mother, if I'm ever half as good as you, I shall be satisfied, cried Jo, much touched.

I hope you will be a great deal better, dear, but you must keep watch over your `bosom enemy', as father calls it, or it may sadden, if not spoil your life. You have had a warning. Remember it, and try with heart and soul to master this quick temper, before it brings you greater sorrow and regret than you have known today.

[Zoe Girl]

It feels like I am going the opposite way on this one. I really did raise my kids without yelling or raised voices, without picking on them. We had lots of family meetings and and cooperation. And there are things that it simply did not help, or maybe the challenges are just too great. I often remind myself that my kids could easily be addicts or in much worse circumstances. I know, this child was there when we offered a way out for the 3rd time. However I was married in an emotionally abusive situation and for whatever it is worth leaving did not do enough.

Right now I would do about anything to just get the work done around this house that needs to get done, the other 2 kids and I most days accept that we will simply do a lot more and she will do almost nothing. One time I even put a bin of all the dirty dishes on her bed that she was responsible for, she put them back in the kitchen. Not throwing them at her head takes all my buddhist practice some days. I often wonder if it would help to throw them at her head, I am close.

[JaneV2.0]

Every once in awhile, when I'm clearly not getting through and the issue is important to me, I've been known to yell and wave my arms in the air. It's an approach I use rarely, but it usually has an effect. I'm such a quiet person by nature it seems to work by sheer shock factor.

It seems your offender knows what she can get away with and is using it to her advantage, Zoe Girl. Too bad for you and her siblings.

[sweetana3]

Taking the dishes to the kitchen was a deliberate act on her part showing zero respect for you or the other members of the family. She needs consequences and right now the only one seems to be listening to you. Not enough.

[lhamo]

Taking the dishes to the kitchen was a deliberate act on her part showing zero respect for you or the other members of the family. She needs consequences and right now the only one seems to be listening to you. Not enough.

+1

She may have been through a lot in the past couple of years, but that is no excuse to abuse you or the privilege of living in your home.

I'd give her a move out day. Preferably no longer than 6 weeks out. If she ends up with no place to go, that's her problem. You have done more than enough and she needs to grow up and stop acting like a spoiled brat.

[Tussiemussies]

The best way to overcome this, is to start observing situations and not reacting to them. The situation is neutral the way we see it is our own state of consciousness. I highly recommend reading James Allen. The have online "TheJames Allen Free Library" and it has all his books. "Byways To Blessedness". might be a great one to start with the second chapter I would read first. Also "As A Man Thinketh."

They also have daily readings too. :)

[catherine]

Love the responses here.

Love the Little Women passage! Wow, that kind of propriety seems so rare these days!!

Jane, I'm the same as you--when I raise my voice people don't know what to make of it. I have learned over time not to just stuff my feelings, but to process them. I do have a couple of button-pushers in my life, though.

Tussiemussies: I also love James Allen and am going to check into the Daily Readings.

Thich Nhat Hanh has a great book called Anger.

[Wildflower]

Is this the DD that recently had a baby and gave it up for adoption? If so, I would think that it is possible she is suffering from some sort of depression - maybe post partum depression or just the fact that giving up her baby was an extremely hard thing to do. Maybe she needs some help....

That being said, I don't think she should get by with not doing her house duties....but there may be more going on with her than meets the eye.

[Mrs-M]

To add, we have a "no-yell" policy/rule in our home, adopted shortly after our two youngest joined us. We are, and have always been a passive family per se, but taking it that little bit further, makes for a happier and more ideal environment.

[Zoe Girl]

Yes wildflower, I must say that the house looked decent, she woke up to let the repair people in and made the call she needed to on the financial matter that was very urgent. So one step forward, whew.

I beleive she does need help, she has shown signs of depression, had a major sleep issue, and likely ADD as well. I have been taking her to whatever assistance she needed for many years but she is 22 right now. Unless she is a danger to herself or others I cannot even speak to a DR. I put her in touch with my minister who helped her with the adoption ceremony but she has not responded to continuing to talk to her or to talk to the counselors at the adoption agency. She has a car and I cover her medical insurance but she has not done anything medically or counseling for herself at this point.

I am doing the mean mommy at this point honestly, partially because I have only so much energy. Also because part of the way she is dealing with the last couple years is to be mad at me. The overall mood is slightly improving, less complaints on facebook in general when it was constant and daily negative for a long time. Meanwhile if she does not take advantage of anything available to her then I will hold her responsible for everything that anyone else would be responsible for in the house. I won't be mean or say hurtful things other than I will yell and I will say that something must be done now and to a certain quality and no excuses. It seems that the depressive fog does not always respond to the more gentle ways, she is perfectly happy to sit through these conversations and then do nothing. Over the years (she has been actiing similar to this since 15) I find people take my hard line approach to mean I have terribly high standards for things like chores, then I explain that the trash gets taken out, things fall out around the trash can, no bag is put in, and basically it is a really crappy job at times. When she lived on her own she lost one roomate situation because she would not clean, and then moved in with people one step above homeless next. I refused to step foot in the apartment.

I often think I am the only one dealing with this type of situation or at least handling it this way. Other parents I know of kids who act similar tend to fall towards lots of extra caregiving and then the dynamic of micromanaging and control come up, then exhaustion and kids not being capable. I didn't want to be in that, so I used all my Buddhist type of background to look at it again. I realized that what was making me continue to do things like micromanage and nag on things that were not essential (the kids going to college for example) was my own fear of looking like or being a bad mom, and actually it wasn't working. So I decided to accept I could be a bad mom, and in the end I may not look like a good mom since I don't have anything to brag on but they are learning to be responsible for themselves. It is really hard at times. I don't have much to talk to other parents about. It seems that so many parents' worth is in what their children do. To accept that I am not following some manual and I have nothing to show for it is kinda hard.

[Lainey]

Zoe Girl - I have nothing to add except to say I'm impressed how you are processing all of this. I think the parenting style in a generation or two past has been very black and white: I'm the parent, do what I say and that's the end of it. To your credit you have put a lot of thought and different approaches into this, so, bottom line, no one could fault you for lack of effort even if things don't all turn out right.

Best wishes for better times ahead for all of you.

For myself, I was surprised the other day at how really furious I was at being cut off in traffic. Two lanes were merging into one due to construction, it was broad daylight and easily seen. Traffic in front of us was moving smoothly doing a "zipper" - first one, then the other. I signaled and the car in the other lane went ahead, so it was my turn to go. A woman in a white SUV in the other lane barged ahead and gestured at me. I threw up my hands and pointed at the construction worker right in front of us, but she just smirked and kept going. Fortunately the driver behind her was sane and let me in.
I'm actually not as surprised at the crazy driver as I am about my instant fury - I was left thinking the rest of the day "where did that come from?"

[Karma]

Yelling is never a good answer, how would you feel if someone was screaming at you? Set boundaries, have consequences but you don't have to scream to be heard.