What is Zen parenting?

[merince]

Couple of posters mentioned that they practice Zen parenting. Could you explain what you do? I would also appreciate examples.

[Mrs-M]

LOL, Merince!

You probably came across my entry!

In my case, I use the term "Zen Parenting", rather loosely, figuratively (so to speak), but in some regards there is some truth behind it. Before our last two joined our family, I (shamefully) used to holler and yell (once in a while), and yard butts off to the side and paddle them... definitely not Zen Parenting.

Then the boys came along. They came from an abusive home, so I made the decision to change my parenting ways, thus ending pants-dustings, etc. I went from a typical stay-at-home mom style of parenting, to a more Zen-like Parenting style, where, calm, cool, and collective, were my daily bread. Much better!

Zen Parenting, made me feel better, and I noticed a distinct change in the well-rounded environment it created in our home. Don't get me wrong, I'm still strict when it comes to certain things, just that I apply my strictness in other more constructive ways now, rather than the old ways of my old days. :)

[Mrs-M]

Zen Parenting: A more patient, calm, loving, and understanding way to parent.

[Gardenarian]

I googled it and there is a book "Zen Parenting (http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Parenting-Learning-What-Already/dp/1589040171)" on Amazon. Interesting stuff.

[Mrs-M]

I've never read the book, Gardenarian, but I have heard of it.

[Wildflower]

Good on you, Mrs-M, for being a Zen parent.

I've always thought so much of you and your DH for taking in those two little boys and giving them a wonderful home. You two truly are angels on earth.

[redfox]

FWIW, Buddhist teachings as I understand & practice is not to assume some "perfect" state of being. The practice is to be human, and not attach to every impulse, feeling, thought as absolute truth.

Here's Buddha swearing at the red light. Here's Buddha spilling the coffee. Here's Buddha grumping at his spouse. Not attaching to swearing, spilling, grumpy, OR to perfect, calm, happy.

[Zoebird]

You might look up Peaceful Parenting, Playful Parenting, and also Unconditional Parenting -- all of these use non-punitive models of discipline for raising kiddos.

I like Dr Laura Markham at Aha! Parenting as well. She divides things by ages. Lots of great material there.

I also find that when I'm not putting on my own oxygen mask first, things get mucky and I'm more likely to lash out. Whereas, when my needs are met, I'm more likely to be calm and clear.

As such, our family rhythms take into account everyone's needs (I can talk about creating family rhythms if you want). this way, I know that my needs are going to be met; DH knows that his are, and hte kiddo has the (normal) expectation that his will be to. The real problem is that a lot of parents do not get their needs met -- or make it a priority in their own lives -- and as such, they get more stressed and come unhinged at the slightest. I know that when I'm "snippy" -- it's because my needs aren't getting met. DH gets anxious/needy (I need you to tell me the schedule, tell me what i'm supposed to be doing!") rather than just problem solving o his own. So, when we have the family rhythm set out. . . he knows the schedule, what to expect, what is coming, and everythign goes smoothly for him, too.

And there you have it.

[Mrs-M]

Thank you for your kind words, Wildflower. :)

[merince]

This is amazing info! Zoebird, yes, I would like to hear more about creating family rhythms.

I also noticed that an unhappy parent makes for an unhappy child. I think that sometimes our culture (as in USA) swings towards being too much child-centric. I still remember an encounter with a stranger from several years ago. My husband, my DD (probably 1.5 yo at the time) and I were touring NYC on one of those open-top buses. A lady turned to me and said: "You know, she (meaning DD) is not going to remember any of that." She was surprised when I said that "But DH and I will". It never occurred to her that we can plan a trip because we, the parents want to go somewhere :D.

I am enjoying this thread very much! Please keep the info coming.

[Zoe Girl]

[QUOTE=Zoebird; The real problem is that a lot of parents do not get their needs met -- or make it a priority in their own lives -- and as such, they get more stressed and come unhinged at the slightest. I know that when I'm "snippy" -- it's because my needs aren't getting met. DH gets anxious/needy (I need you to tell me the schedule, tell me what i'm supposed to be doing!") rather than just problem solving o his own. So, when we have the family rhythm set out. . . he knows the schedule, what to expect, what is coming, and everythign goes smoothly for him, too.
.[/QUOTE]


Sounds accurate, I was pretty snippy for a long time because it was all so overwhelming for years. I worked at it but there was simply not enough to go around. Even though it was rough I tried to just state things clearly in a way that did not blame anyone but instead just stated the situation. One of my famous things to do can sound really great or really horrible, but I consider it a zen style parenting. If the dishes were not done on a day it was clear they should be done by the time I got home, ie no one had school or work, then I excused myself and went to get myself dinner out somewhere and the kids made themselves a sandwich for dinner. Of course there was food in the house, there was a clear expectation that the dishes get done, the kids were all old enough to handle this. We write menus and who cooks what night on the white board, even including that we have meat eaters, vegie and vegan right now. So we really do have a system to meet needs,

However I realize that my kids are really hard learners, a stern look is nothing to them. A moderate consequence is a challenge to get around, and a real consequence still often needs to be creative to be effective. I know before I really got more clear about taking out the reactions and anger I would do the dishes, be angry, and have a whole evening that was pretty crappy. Now I just make sure that my low blood sugar is handled so it all goes better. That also means letting go of the expectation that I should not have to go through this again and again. Just yesterday was another dishes issue, the person responsible is angry at me for holding her to it. I talk to friends ALL the time who say their kids do not do the dishes or whatever chore, then the parent stays up late doing them, then they get little sleep or cut corners at work so they earn less, or whatever, and somehow as a culture we have not figured this out. I sympathize, I have had to be very creative in this.

[Mrs-M]

I also see these things associated with Zen parenting.

- Clothesline drying. No mindful Zen-practitioner IMO would be caught dead using an electric tumble dryer, that is unless they had to...

- Cloth diapering. Taking a few extra seconds to fold a soft cloth diaper before applying it to baby's bottom is SOOO Zen! So is pinning! So natural... so practical... so satisfying...

- Breastfeeding. A wonderful time to bond with baby, rather than filling a bottle and pushing the nipple into a waiting mouth, or propping a bottle only to walk away.

- Gentle discipline. No spanking. No yelling.

[larknm]

Mrs-M, your zen practices sound so tactilly comforting, calm, natural.

[Mrs-M]

Comforting... that's it, Larknm! :)

Parenting, should be equally as comfortable for the parents involved as it is for the children.