Letting go..

[catherine]

This is really more of a vent, and is more personal than I usually am in posts, but I'm a bit frustrated.

Many of you know that my BIL lives next door--so did MIL until she passed away. BIL has very few job skills, and, dare I say, also very few social skills in that he just doesn't seem to have grasped the concept of social reciprocity. In short, he comes over all the time for dinner and rarely reciprocates or even says thank you. It drives DH crazy.

So the other night, DH made dinner for the three of us. After we had dinner, BIL and I went to the family room and started watching videos on YouTube that were funny. DH joined us for a second but didn't find them funny and left the room. Then he asked us if we wanted dessert. We said, sure! Well shortly after he went into a HUGE tirade and said some hurtful things to BIL. I was angry because he also said some things to BIL that he attributed to me that were taken completely out of context.

Now it's 5 days later. I've gotten over my anger of course (I spoke to DH about it the next day). But DH refuses to see BIL until BIL apologizes to DH. ?? He doesn't get that HE was the one that was hurtful and that if he was offended by something (he was mad that BIL didn't offer to help and just took DH's dinner for granted) he should have communicated that instead of just blowing up about something that seemed nonsensical on the surface.

I am staying out of it. I have resigned myself to the fact that DH can't see past his own need for some kind of validation from BIL, but BIL has no idea that he did anything wrong at all.

I need to let go. But I feel bad for BIL sitting there at home alone. And I feel bad that if DH would just communicate more clearly he wouldn't feel so upset and so righteous either.

Any thoughts?

[SteveinMN]

Are you willing to ask DH if he's feeling any differently about BIL today? Do you open a can of worms between you and DH if you say that you clearly see a need for DH to get validation from BIL -- and let him ponder that for a while? Or if you suggest that, for the sake of the longer-term relationship between DH and BIL, DH has a sit-down with BIL and tells BIL that BIL needs to contribute more toward his own life (make his own dinner most nights; learn to cook more and help at your house, whatever)? Or are there still unresolved issues between DH and BIL regarding MIL's death?

[frugalone]

Oh goodness me...I don't know how to advise you here, but I'll tell you what my mom said. My dad and his brother never got along. And for years, my mom tried to urge my dad to call his brother, get together with him, etc. Finally, she gave up, because she figured it was none of her business and if my dad didn't want to get on with his brother, it was his concern.

Not that I'm saying mind your own business. And it was easier for my dad because his brother lived an hour away. But there's probably not much you can really do about it, in the end, and you might feel less stress if you stay out of it.

Just my two cents.

[catherine]

Thanks, Frugalone (And Steve).

That's all water under the bridge now. I did keep out of it, and things just worked themselves out (without anyone apologizing to anyone). However, BIL has been bringing over desserts when we invite for dinner.

It's a little thorny because the two brothers own the house next door, but BIL's living in it for free basically is taking money out of our pocket, so I think that's kind of an underlying issue with DH. We are going to address that with BIL this week. BIL knows he can't afford living in a 3 bedroom home on his own, and has talked about moving to an apartment. We know it, too, but BIL wants to sell the house, and DH wants to rent it.

It's a VERY sensitive topic. Words to the wise: When you do your will, divide up assets and THEN give them away. Dual ownership can be pretty messy.

[jennipurrr]

Just my unasked for advice...your DH either needs to buy BIL out of his share of the house and then rent it out as sole owner or they need to sell the house and DH find another rental property. The situation will end poorly with relatives as dual landlords.

[SteveinMN]

Just my unasked for advice...your DH either needs to buy BIL out of his share of the house and then rent it out as sole owner or they need to sell the house and DH find another rental property. The situation will end poorly with relatives as dual landlords.
+1. If they can't come to a meeting of the minds, it will just be a struggle going forward.