Your newest way of showing love

[larknm]

DH is hardly ever going to say he needs something--like to be able to use the kitchen counter island without having to move off the bird's meds and little bowls for same, my grocery list, pens and pencils. Or that he'd like to have a chair to sit and eat or a place at the table that's not filled with my papers, where he could put his bowl. But I hear him fantasizing about having a desk all to himself, and extrapolate.

So yesterday I put my deskwork stuff in a basket, where I'll keep each item until it's tended to and then it goes back into my file place. And I moved the bird's stuff and mine to a permanent shelf above the sink, by weeding out some spices that I don't need. I said nothing, and I think he doesn't know the table thing is permanent (we keep his (= our) computer on the kitchen table and it's our only table). This morning after he fixed his lunch and the dogs' breakfast, he thanked me for how nice it was to have that counter island with nothing on it but the dishtowel. Very nice for me, especially as he doesn't spontaneously compliment, but that's changing a little too as I get more considerate.

I used to think he acted like he lived alone, that where his stuff was didn't affect anyone else. Then over time he stopped doing that but I realize I started. Now I'm cleaning up my act.:idea:

[Float On]

Good job larknm! And I'm so impressed that you are keeping your act quiet (well....at home anyway...where it counts).
So much about living with another human being is always thinking 'what can I do....' instead of 'look what I did'.
It's the quiet acts that go the furthest.

[Mrs-M]

Great stuff, Larknm!

[Tussiemussies]

So sweet and something that really meets his needs ...showing how much you are taking him into consideration....

[Kat]

That is so sweet! I am sure he appreciates your thoughtfulness and consideration.

[Blackdog Lin]

This IS sweet, and I have had a similar situation.

Over the course of DH's encroaching back pain and disability and infirmaties over the last few years, he decided that the only place in the house he can sit and be halfway comfortable is in the chairs around the dinette in the dining room - from which, by the way, we can see and watch the TV. And which, in my mind, was my "pretty" space all cleaned off and with a nice fabric runner and a green plant. Like in a magazine, you know?

But it has become HIS space, the space where he sits 100% of the time, so he has his magazines and newspapers and catalogs and remotes and portable scanner and whatall, and I was forever moving the stuff to other stacks and baskets and he never had his stuff to hand. And it's not all that easy for him to get in and out of his chair to fetch stuff. I fought this for at least 2 years. Out of habit, I thought I had to have my "magazine photo worthy" tabletop.

I realized how unfair I was being once I retired and was home. And I realized "why can't he just have the table? Who am I trying to impress? How often do we have company where his stuff would be in the way?" (answer: maybe 3 times a month.)

So I gave up, moved the plant, got rid of the pretty seasonal runners, and the table is his to scatter his stuff as he wishes. For our lunch (our main meal of the day) I gather and move everything to one corner of the table. When company shows up, it takes me a whole 30 seconds to gather everything up and place it in a basket I've set in a corner for this purpose. And voila, clean table, minus the foo-foo stuff.

He'll never admit he appreciates the gesture, but I know he does. And that's my newest way of showing my love.

[redfox]

I've been tuning into my DH's moods, and practicing being open-hearted. He notices, and is responding in kind. It's been really wonderful.

[Tussiemussies]

This IS sweet, and I have had a similar situation.

Over the course of DH's encroaching back pain and disability and infirmaties over the last few years, he decided that the only place in the house he can sit and be halfway comfortable is in the chairs around the dinette in the dining room - from which, by the way, we can see and watch the TV. And which, in my mind, was my "pretty" space all cleaned off and with a nice fabric runner and a green plant. Like in a magazine, you know?

But it has become HIS space, the space where he sits 100% of the time, so he has his magazines and newspapers and catalogs and remotes and portable scanner and whatall, and I was forever moving the stuff to other stacks and baskets and he never had his stuff to hand. And it's not all that easy for him to get in and out of his chair to fetch stuff. I fought this for at least 2 years. Out of habit, I thought I had to have my "magazine photo worthy" tabletop.

I realized how unfair I was being once I retired and was home. And I realized "why can't he just have the table? Who am I trying to impress? How often do we have company where his stuff would be in the way?" (answer: maybe 3 times a month.)

So I gave up, moved the plant, got rid of the pretty seasonal runners, and the table is his to scatter his stuff as he wishes. For our lunch (our main meal of the day) I gather and move everything to one corner of the table. When company shows up, it takes me a whole 30 seconds to gather everything up and place it in a basket I've set in a corner for this purpose. And voila, clean table, minus the foo-foo stuff.

He'll never admit he appreciates the gesture, but I know he does. And that's my newest way of showing my love.


Wow, that was really a sacrifice of love. That would be a hard one for me...

[Gardenarian]

Thanks for the inspiration. This is something I can definitely use some work on.

[cdttmm]

Thanks for the inspiration.
I, too, have been inspired by this thread.

In honor of this thread, here's a timely article from the Wall Street Journal titled, "Small Acts, Big Love." Enjoy!

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887323696404578297942503592524.html

I'm hopeful that I'll have an example to add to this thread in the very near future!

[redfox]

I'm reading the book Wired for Love. It's an interesting look at brain science & attachment style. I've really appreciated the perspectives offered, and suggest this read!

[Tussiemussies]

Has anyone ever read the book "The Five Love Languages?" It goes in-depth about how people usually see love in one of five ways, affection, acts of service, gifts, and I cannot remember the last two...

For me DH and I sit down when he comes home from work and I listen to him tell me about his whole day and what is new with him. I know he really feels heard because I do intently listen to him. At night we give each other a pinkie lock before going to sleep. I could do more, not buying things because that is really not his thing . But I know there are some things he likes, like if I iron his shirt for him, so it couldn't hurt to do that more regularly.

When we were younger we both wrote up a list of twenty-five things we would like the other person to do for them, and then you going about doing them. It was a lot of fun... :)

[Kat]

Has anyone ever read the book "The Five Love Languages?" It goes in-depth about how people usually see love in one of five ways, affection, acts of service, gifts, and I cannot remember the last two...




I love this book. Such a simple concept, but it really changed our marriage for the better when we figured out how to show love the way our partner needed rather than the way we needed it to be shown to us. I think quality time and words of affirmation are the other two. :-)

DH's love language is gifts, so I try to get him a little something special once in awhile. It doesn't always have to be a big thing. Stuff like his favorite candy bar, new socks when I notice his getting a little worn, etc. speaks volumes to him about how much I love him. Mine is words of affirmation. When DH says things like, "Thanks for working so hard to make our house a home," or "You are a such a good mom," it makes my heart sing!

[redfox]

I love it too, and the Five Languages of Apology. Great research.

[Zoebird]

Those things are sweet.

In my home, I make sure that DH gets some alone time (outside of writing/gym) -- it's often short bursts "hey, go and pick this up at the shop for me." Of course I don't need that apple sauce or whatever, it's just to get him out and moving and having some time to clear his head.

And then, you know, I do the remaining 15%. DH needs a clean/organized space, but he only ever does 85% of any cleaning/tidying job. So, I make sure that I do the other 15% so that mess doesn't pile up (15% of mess over several days is a lot of mess to work around).

I'm also in charge of juicing. It's dumb, but he just felt overwhelmed by the juicing. So, I do all things juicing. It's his medicine, this juicing thing. But I'm happy to do it. Now, DS helps too.

[Zoebird]

Also, i'm a quality time and DH is a words of affirmation. Knowing this is helpful, but DH says that he's sorry he didn't act on this sooner. He says he remembers all of those years working in an office when I would drop by with a picnic lunch and ask him to jion me, and he'd say he couldn't or whatever.

Of ocurse he could. he jsut went up and ate at his desk. He now realizes that i was lonely for him (true), and that in fact, work wasn't THAT demanding of his time. He told me he feels foolish that he did that.

Now we are together all the time, pretty much, so. . . it's nice.

[BayouGirl]

The sweet thing that i do for BayouBoy is take care of his feet for him. I do so appreciate the hard work that he does to keep our way of life going. He isn't one for pampering so i practically had to hold him down the first time I did it but then he discovered that he liked the way his feet felt after I pampered them.

I usually either soak them and use a scrubby soap on them and then massage them with lotion. Or if he has already showered, I use one of those foot sander thingees to make his feet all soft and then massage then with lotion. I've been doing this for years and now he is hooked on having soft feet and will ask me to rub his feet for him. For me, this is my way of showing him how much i love him since he isn't much for being pampered. He is a rather cranky old thing but I'm happy he's mine.

[Zoebird]

That's sweet, BG. :D

[Tussiemussies]

BG I love what you do for your husband. I have to try that with mine. Thanks for posting this!

Missed you on the boards!:)