View Full Version : Allowing People the Dignity of their Struggle
I have been a "helper" and a "caregiver" my whole life. I grew up in a family with an alcoholic dynamic, i.e. one person is "sick" and everyone else in the family accommodates/enables them. So, that has been my pattern, to take care of people, fix their problems for them.
Lately, I have been learning that other ways of being "helpful" might be better given the situation. For example: when you are teaching a child to tie their shoes, you show them how to do it and stand by while they practice for "coaching." The better they get, the less coaching you do.
Or, at work: there is a nurse that volunteers for almost every call shift that comes open from other nurses being ill/on vacation. This means that some weeks she is working 80 hours/week. Last year, I tried to counsel her that she is likely to get burned out/sick if she keeps this up. (I do not know all her motivations for working so hard, some of it may be money) Sure enough, she is in the hospital this week with a strange infection.
Or, at home: my youngest (who is 14, so at that age) wants his freedom so badly, but keeps (figuratively) running his head into every authority figure in his sphere. Which then involves some curtailment of his freedom. Which leads to more head butting, etc. I would like to help him, but he doesn't really want it.
I am interested in discussion of times when stepping back helped a situation. Can you share a story of a time when less energy and involvement on your part helped a situation?
I definitely struggle with that, for the same reasons you do. I've come to learn that my wanting to fix things stems directly from my own fears, and that the only reason I'm fearful is because I don't trust God to do His business. So that's helped me to be able to discern when I'm actually helping, vs. acting out of a knee-jerk reaction based on some internal fear.
I think the "step-back" I'm most proud of is when my son was 16, he was a sophomore in high school. He had struggled every inch of the way through school. He probably had undiagnosed ADD (back then it wasn't spoken of nearly as much). But every October I'd get the call from the teacher. It was always "Mrs. B, J_ is very distracting, doesn't listen, comes to class unprepared, blah blah blah. But he is passing--he's learning through osmosis or something." (I always laughed at that osmosis line).
To make a long story short, by the time he got to being a sophomore, I could see that socially he was at risk. By not assimilating with all the high achievers, he was drifting to the bottom of the barrel. Rather than drag him kicking and screaming and feeding his ever-growing sense that he was a failure, DH and I supported his dropping out of school.
Talk about stepping back! That was a giant leap of faith in our son, and God. Well, I did home school him for a couple of hours a day, but he, on his own, got a full-time job at a sports outlet, which he loved--he loved helping people find the right skis, bindings, etc. He then became a ski bum up in VT (he had $5 in his pocket when he started up there), then stuck around for the summer and became a caddy at the golf school, and then on a whim decided to try out for the PGA, and he PASSED it, and then became the youngest golf teaching pro at the mountain, and then spent a couple of years doing that, until he realized that he COULD go back to school if he wanted (thanks to a conversation he had with his brother), so he got his GED, then went to community college, then transferred to the 4-year state school, not only graduated but was the valedictorian at the graduation, got a great job at the same university and has been there for the past 3-4 years.
Plus... 4 years ago he decided to pursue a law degree while still working full time. He graduates this spring. With no debt.
So, yeah, there's not ONE thing I could have done for him that he did not do for himself, once ALL authority was taken away.
I had to step back with my husband. He has PTSD and is 90% disabled from military service. I was always trying to step in and make the decisions so he wouldn't have to- lessen the stress for him. Well, I found I was completly stressed out and he was annoyed with me. I had to let him find his way back into a civilian world, still being there but not telling him how to do it. He had to make his own decisions and find his own way. It was a dark time for 2-3 years but we are coming out of the other side, stronger and happier.
Catherine, I love your son's story. What an evolution!
These are fantastic stories that I needed to hear about. I'm in the process of trying to figure out how to support my daughter's efforts but not dictate how she "should" do things. She's an adult and can makie her own choices, even if there terrible ones. I guess they call it detaching with love or something like that.
Love hearing the positive outcomes! We are in the process of stepping back with DD, who is 17. She is very bright and very independent in her thinking. Enough so that her very traditional HS just isn't a great fit for her. She, on her own, managed to accumulate enough credits to graduate a year early by testing out of several Sr. level classes. We were hoping she would stay in HS next year so she could mature a little more socially and just to get to enjoy one more year of being a kid. She could have selected any classes she wanted which, we thought, would make for a fun year. Long story short, she didn't want anything to do with it. She isn't sure what she wants to do and that is the major source of anxiety for us. We just don't want her drifting aimlessly. I don't think she would, she gets bored easily, but it still makes us nervous. It is going to be problematic that all her friends will still be in school, but that is just part of the bargain.
We've decided to fully support her plan to graduate early because her academic record gives her all the options even without a Sr. year. We've told her that the money we've saved for her education can be used for any kind of education (university, comm. college, trade, etc.). We've told her she can live at home free if she's in school or she will have to pay a modest amount for room and board if not. Any "rent" money will be put in a fund that can be used as spending money if she goes to school later. We will also let her use it to pay all the deposits and expenses associated with getting her own place later, but we haven't told her that part yet. The goal is for us to make it very attractive for her to stay at home for at least another year, she is only 17 after all. We purchased cars for both her older siblings to drive while they were in HS and then signed them over at graduation. We are doing the same for her. It's important for us to know what the kids drive is safe and dependable. There are other things we have done for the other kids along those same lines just to try to give them a little jump start and she will get the same perks.
Its hard to not push her to make big what-are-you-doing-for-the-rest-of-your-life decisions right now. We have to keep reminding ourselves that the other side of wanting her to have a little more time to spread her wings also means she gets a little more time to explore and evaluate the options. It is a minor stepping back for me, but a huge departure from the plan for DW who is very regimented in her HS~College~good job mindset. I have high hopes along with the high anxiety, DW just has the anxiety.
oh, catherine, so much of your son's story resonates with me, including the yearly October phone calls. My son can be charming, hard-working when it's something he loves (music-writing, playing) but Algebra homework? Nope.
Thank you for sharing.
He probably had undiagnosed ADD (back then it wasn't spoken of nearly as much). But every October I'd get the call from the teacher. It was always "Mrs. B, J_ is very distracting, doesn't listen, comes to class unprepared, blah blah blah. But he is passing--he's learning through osmosis or something." (I always laughed at that osmosis line).
Wow, is that ever familiar. I remember getting a call from a school nurse who wanted to know if DS needed to take his Ritalin during school hours. He wasn't taking Ritalin. His 3rd grade teacher told the nurse he would or should be. It's the only time I've ever come unglued at a teacher. Anyway, thanks to diet modification, scheduling everything possible, some very patient and wonderful teachers and his own resolve he never took any meds for his (clinically diagnosed) ADHD and he's doing great now.
catherine
2-25-13, 12:07pm
thanks to .....some very patient and wonderful teachers and his own resolve he never took any meds for his (clinically diagnosed) ADHD and he's doing great now.
Yeah, there were maybe four teachers total who were able to work with DS effectively. The others threw up their hands.
I can't believe that he has been able to get through all those tomes of law texts over the past couple of years, and I think most of his teachers would have a hard time believing it, too. These are the days that I enjoy running into teachers in the supermarket and answering the question, "So, how's J__ doing?" I know I should be more mature, but I admit to having to suppress a gloat from time to time.
Great topic, Fawn.
I'm working on this with both my 2 year-old-daughter and my 52-year-old SO. Al Anon has helped a lot with the latter. And I just saw this article that I think is pretty brilliant about giving toddlers as much autonomy as possible:
http://abundantlifechildren.com/2013/01/30/4-ways-to-raise-thinkers/
I also dropped out of college, and though I'm sure it killed my parents, they were supportive to my face. After about six months off, I, for the first time in my life, had figured out my OWN reasons for wanting to be educated (as opposed to everyone else's), and it completely changed my life. When I went back to school, I was a straight-A student for the first time in my life because for the first time in my life I'd taken the space to figure out what I wanted. That was only possible because my parents didn't try to "help" too much.
I'm a community college teacher all the time now and can tell the difference between the students who are there for themselves and the ones who are there just because they're scared of disappointing their parents. Guess who are the happier and better students?
I'm forever encouraging unmotivated students to take some time off if they need it and reassuring parents with seemingly unmotivated kids to give their kids time to figure it out for themselves.
At community colleges, you see a lot of students like Catherine's son - kids who were labeled underachievers who made big changes once they were given some autonomy and time.
I recall that our situation with dd was much like Greg's and it was hard not to butt out and just observe. She finished high school early, went to look at some colleges for the fall and then headed off to London with a friend at age 18 using her p/t waitress earnings. At the last minute, she enrolled at the state university and continued to work pt as a waitress. Somehow, she motivated herself to graduate in three years - perhaps it was the monetary incentive offered by the university. Once again, she floundered a bit while working as a waitress. She then totally surprised us and said she was going to apply for her master's - which she completed two years later. She has been happily and gainfully employed since graduating but there were moments when we weren't sure. I think all the experience as a waitress was very beneficial in the end - she saw how hard the work was and that an education would serve her better for the long haul. Currently, I am dealing with DH's mid-life weirdness and once again, I am butting out and letting him figure it out though I can see as an observer that much of his conflict is unnecessary - he is creating his own world view which makes everything harder for him to deal with.
Excellent article, ejchase.
Yes, I see how not stepping in allows others to think creatively, develop mastery, minimizes resentment all around.
I think this needs to be my new spiritual practice. Damn, it's hard.
Gardenarian
2-25-13, 2:36pm
Thank you all for sharing your stories. It's hard to trust the process while it's still ongoing, a struggle for me.
Tussiemussies
2-25-13, 2:45pm
I definitely struggle with that, for the same reasons you do. I've come to learn that my wanting to fix things stems directly from my own fears, and that the only reason I'm fearful is because I don't trust God to do His business. So that's helped me to be able to discern when I'm actually helping, vs. acting out of a knee-jerk reaction based on some internal fear.
I think the "step-back" I'm most proud of is when my son was 16, he was a sophomore in high school. He had struggled every inch of the way through school. He probably had undiagnosed ADD (back then it wasn't spoken of nearly as much). But every October I'd get the call from the teacher. It was always "Mrs. B, J_ is very distracting, doesn't listen, comes to class unprepared, blah blah blah. But he is passing--he's learning through osmosis or something." (I always laughed at that osmosis line).
To make a long story short, by the time he got to being a sophomore, I could see that socially he was at risk. By not assimilating with all the high achievers, he was drifting to the bottom of the barrel. Rather than drag him kicking and screaming and feeding his ever-growing sense that he was a failure, DH and I supported his dropping out of school.
Talk about stepping back! That was a giant leap of faith in our son, and God. Well, I did home school him for a couple of hours a day, but he, on his own, got a full-time job at a sports outlet, which he loved--he loved helping people find the right skis, bindings, etc. He then became a ski bum up in VT (he had $5 in his pocket when he started up there), then stuck around for the summer and became a caddy at the golf school, and then on a whim decided to try out for the PGA, and he PASSED it, and then became the youngest golf teaching pro at the mountain, and then spent a couple of years doing that, until he realized that he COULD go back to school if he wanted (thanks to a conversation he had with his brother), so he got his GED, then went to community college, then transferred to the 4-year state school, not only graduated but was the valedictorian at the graduation, got a great job at the same university and has been there for the past 3-4 years.
Plus... 4 years ago he decided to pursue a law degree while still working full time. He graduates this spring. With no debt.
So, yeah, there's not ONE thing I could have done for him that he did not do for himself, once ALL authority was taken away.
What a beautiful story Catherine. I am so glad for your son and you. He really bloomed when he was in the right environments for himself.
domestic goddess
2-25-13, 2:53pm
Fawn, and others, I hear you. I think this is especially a problem for nurses, as we are expected professionally to solve problems, and sometimes we just don't know when to quit. I know it is a problem I have, and I'm not very good at stepping back. I recently had to learn to keep my big mount shut when dd unexpectedly became pregnant. She was adamant at first about terminating the pregnancy. I told her I would support her decision, and then prayed constantly. As time passed, and she didn't schedule a termination, I began to hope that she would have this baby, and that is the decision she has made, without a word being said by me. So, we will be welcoming another little girl to our family in the spring. I was sorely tempted to just jump into the fray, but I did manage to keep out of it. Sometimes people just have to work through a problem on their own. You may be able to "solve" it for them, but they need to do it for themselves.
I told my story before a few times here involving my son.
This is about me stepping back and not being the Enabler that I had been since day one. It was as much energy for me letting go as enabling his life and addiction, actually it was harder to step back and let him and god handle it. It was uplifting for me after the long process of letting go. >>>>It was Life Saving for him.<<<<<
I learned I was not a Doctor, Counsolor, Lawyer or Bank. I am a Mom, Sister, Wife, Daughter and Friend to all nothing more nothing less. That is a better feeling and helped more then when I assumed I could save the world.
Catherine, love your story. I can relate. My son steps off the curb a lot but life seems to work out for him in ways I would not expect. I always followed the rules and I wanted him to follow. If I lived my life again I'd break more rules.
Yes, I struggle with this too. LOL
treehugger
2-25-13, 4:56pm
I desperately wanted my mom to let me make my own choices/mistakes when I was a teen (for something, anything). Her inability to do so directly led to me moving out at 18 and, consequently, we still don't have a close relationship today, 20 years later. I recognize how hard that must be (letting go/stepping back) as a parent, so I really respect and admire those who can.
I don't have children, but as others have said, this can be about more than parent/child relationship. Because of my controlling, micro-managing mother, I am very sensitive to this and focus on not being controlling in my marriage or at work.
Kara
awakenedsoul
2-25-13, 9:40pm
I think there's great wisdom in stepping back. I was always allowed to follow my dreams, and I'm so glad. It's stayed with me to this day. When you tap into your creative talents and abilities, magic happens! It also makes you happier. I also keep my focus on achieving my goals. That way, I don't intrude on other people's lives. I only give advice if they ask for it.
One of the greatest gifts my mom ever gave me was allowing me to go off to an international boarding school at age 17. I had been a pretty challenging teenager, putting my parents under a lot of stress with different things, and then ending up in a pretty serious depression linked to the guilt I felt when my dad died suddenly of a heart attack (no doubt linked to previous stress, hence the guilt). But I really wanted to go to this school, and I got a sizable scholarship, and my mom sort of held her breath and hoped for the best and let me go. It was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. I had a hard time the first term with an abusive boyfriend, but eventually got over that, dealt with a lot of my psychological and emotional issues, and got a great education. It put me on a path that I am still on today, that has meant a very full and interesting life.
She also didn't raise too much of a fuss when I decided to major in anthropology, which I appreciated.
I'm hoping to be similarly wise/generous with my kids. We'll see!
lhamo
iris lily
2-25-13, 10:37pm
I wish that my mother had been a tad bit less controlling. I mean, even back in that day I don't know anyone beside me whose parents dictated where they'd go to college. But I think that's an entirely middle-class problem, people who don't have resources have no such methods to control.
When my parents paid for college in the first couple of years I was an indifferent student. When I finally figured out my path and stared paying for it myself--it's remarkable how my grades improved!
Skin in the game, baby.
I also keep my focus on achieving my goals. That way, I don't intrude on other people's lives. I only give advice if they ask for it.
I think this is key. When I'm tempted to "fix" other people's lives, I try to ask myself, "What do you need to fix in your own life?"
When I'm tempted to "fix" other people's lives, I try to ask myself, "What do you need to fix in your own life?"
Wow. Thanks, ejchase. That really resonates with me. I'm going to try to incorporate that into my own thinking!
These are the days that I enjoy running into teachers in the supermarket and answering the question, "So, how's J__ doing?" I know I should be more mature, but I admit to having to suppress a gloat from time to time.
Poo poo on being more mature. It's a hard earned, well deserved right of a parent to do that. I say gloat away!!!
Iris Iliy,
Skin in the game, baby.
The truest statement for any parent to remember, sadly I forgot that far to often.
I had nothing but skin in the game, and I'm still resentful. But at least I get all the credit... http://www.kolobok.us/smiles/artists/just_cuz/JC-tumbleweed.gif (note heavy irony)
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