View Full Version : Frugality and love
Hello
How do you explain to your kids that frugality doesn't mean that you don't love them. My parents were frugal and I always thought it meant they didn't love me enough to provide the clothes, warmth, nice food, pocket money and treats that other kids had. Now that I'm in my forties I'm fairly certain they do in fact love me (though they have never said so) but it has taken me thirty years to return to frugalism after having interpreted it in such a painful way as a child. It has also taken time to forgive them for having imposed such an uncomfortable lifestyle on me when they were then able both to retire early having saved plenty.
How do you all get round this - do your kids complain or do they enjoy finding creative frugal ways to have fun? How do you balance saving against their requests for stuff?
My kids don't have a particularly uncomfortable lifestyle. They do have clothes, good food, a little pocket money and occasional treats. We live in a neighborhood where people put some value on thrift, so they don't really suffer much in comparison. I think homeschooling helps a bit with the comparison stuff too.
We show our love a lot in time spent together and affection. We spend a ton of time together. We read together, play board games and card games together, cook together, learn together and generally have a lot of fun. We have a weekly movie night that everyone looks forward to and in the summer we try to get out as a family in the evening and go for a walk by the lake. We go to the library and have memberships to most of the museums in town. This year the History Center had a Black Friday contest where the first 50 people got a free family membership to the historical society. My husband and big kids got bundled up in their winter gear, made a thermos of hot cocoa and camped out in front of the History Center at 5:00AM to get their membership. They had a blast.
My husband likes to build things with my older daughters. They built the computer I am using from spare parts collected from other computers people were getting rid of. They built the train table for the little kids using some heavy wood paneling we had pulled out of our family room. I help them sew things and bake things. My oldest daughter made her first skirt out of a thrifted pillowcase. She loves it because she made it.
They do get some splurge gifts from my parents at birthdays. My older daughter is turning nine next week and my Dad is getting her a package of four horseback riding lessons. My mom is paying for her to go snorkeling in the reef tank at the aquarium. We got her some books and new rollerblades. Last year my dad bought each kid a new bike.
Overall, I don't think frugality is the same thing as deprivation. A lot of the frugal things we do, like cooking at home, or sharing a living space with their grandpa, really makes their lives very full.
I grew up in a very frugal household, yet knew that the frugality that dear mom and dad practiced and lived by, was the result of necessity, rather than a passing idea or fad. Money was really tight... like so many households of the day (60's/70's), so the thought of frivolous or extra things simply did not exist in the heads of us kids. We had the basics, and I do mean basics, yet we were always happy.
As a young child, terms like "simplicity" and "frugality" were unknown to me, but as I got older and started helping mom with certain things around the home, she would say things to me like, "this is the way you do things to save", or, "this is what you do when money is tight". It was then that I realized frugality and simplicity in our house was my moms way of stretching a dollar, and always being miles and years ahead of my age, I also understood that without mom doing what she did, us kids would have had even less than we did.
I also recognized (early on) all the sacrifices that mom and dad made (going without themselves), in order to see us kids have that little bit more that we otherwise wouldn't have had, so there was no question about love and care. We got plenty of love and care, but when you grow up in a home where your existence was based on living from payday to payday, you learn (quickly) that without two savvy parents, rich in skills and experience Re: living, life would have been grim (to say the least), so (to this day) I count my blessings for having the upbringing that I did. I consider myself very lucky.
As for finding things to occupy and entertain, we do outdoorsy type stuff (weekends), and have lots of fun get-togethers with family/friends, and we extend lots of freedom the kids way when it comes to going places with their friends, doing things, etc.
My oldest kids (early 20's/teens) all do odd jobs to earn money. Our oldest (daughter) is in school now, but babysat since she was 11-12, and my youngest daughter still babysits regularly to earn spending money. Oldest son works part-time at a steel fabrication plant to earn money, and to make the younger ones feel important (and to help build character), DH and I, hire them to do little things, like take the garbage out, bag lawn on lawn-mowing day, and other incidental things that arise.
We have a large family (eight people), so it's a known thing that mom and dad don't have the means to buy them all sorts of things and take them all sorts of places, but the important issue here isn't about materialistic things per se, so much as it is about love, care, and closeness, which our home has an abundance of.
P.S. Our situation is far different than the situation you endured, Dogmom. I'm sorry you have the memories of the upbringing that you do, but I am a firm-believer in the idea that most people practice frugality to stretch a dollar, rather than just to say they're frugal, and out of all the people I know (immediate/extended family), everyone strives to provide the best for their children.
One thing (I believe) that possibly could help you, is trying to think about/remember the positives that came about Re: your upbringing. Sometimes it's easy to forget the good... like having food on the table and shelter. Society nowadays does a marvelous job at making people feel lesser-than they really are, thanks to materialism, possession, and greed, but if you take a good look around, you'll find that not much has changed in the way people raise their kids nowadays (as compared to decades ago), just that the media is with us and around us 24/7, and so with all the media exposure, comes false expectations and dreams of having fancy holidays, fancy homes, fancy cars, and so on, but that just isn't the case.
Thirty/forty years ago, no one that I knew of went on holidays, no one I knew of lived in large brand new fancy homes, and no one drove fancy cars. Kids played in yards, around the neighbourhood, and in parks, and somehow (at least IMO) we were better off for the way of life back then... better than what life holds for many (today).
We never had a lot of money growing up. My folks bought used cars from the back of the non-dealer used-car lot. 50 bucks; 75 bucks -- that was the car budget. We didn't have a color TV until well after I moved out of the house. We never went to Disney-anything on vacation. Us kids noticed the cars were never new. We were jealous of our friends who had pool tables and color TVs at home. We asked and asked to go to Disney World. "We can't. We don't have enough money."
But there was never a question that our parents loved us. They told us so (I know this does not happen in every family). They spent time with us in our pursuits and much of what limited discretionary income there was was spent on things like, for instance, music lessons and (cheap) guitars for my brother (who went on to major in music at college). One summer my dad borrowed a computer from the school district at which he worked and he turned me loose with it along with the notification that I would be teaching him how to use it before school started in the fall. Birthdays were celebrated with a dinner out or the celebrant's favorite food at home.
There are lots of ways to show your kids you love them that don't cost lots of money. Time is one way (it's a rare commodity but I think we all understand that a simple life often trades time for money). Paying attention and stating what seems obvious ("We love you.") is another way. It helped us kids that my parents weren't telling us there was no money while they were spending money on lavish vacations and clothes for themselves. The "no-money" story rang true. But we were far from disadvantaged.
I am not rich by far but I am rich with the love of my son. I know that sounds hokey but we just hang out all the time we can, play games, ride bikes, Legos, a little playstation, walks, we do local day trips and we take beach trips 3-4x a year. He enjoys just hanging out at the beach, building sandcastles and looking for shells. He pretty much knows he gets new toys at birthday/Christmas and maybe a few here and there but not every week or even every month. When he earns money, he has to put 10% into his bank account and we match it. He also can play 2 sports a year plus swimming. It's enough to keep him happy but not overly spread out and we plan for the costs.
I grew up dirt poor but never knew it until I was around 9-10 when clothing and where you lived became equal to status. I had my Barbies and I played outdoors. We never took trips but I didn't know any better.
I believe in experiences over material items. My son has travelled more in his first 7 years of life than I did in my first 30. He likes it and he know that I pack water bottles and food and he likes to sleep in his sleeping bag in a hotel room. We keep it simple. :)
Wow! You all sound like fab parents - anyone care to adopt me?!! I'm grateful for the things I did have as a child - I realise that compared to many we were welloff. It's not frugality which is the problem but the feeling that you're not loved - I see this clearly now and I understand that my parents were battling their own demons. We did regularly do things as a family but these occasions were often tense and difficult and actually contributed to the sense of not being in a loving environment - it wasn't money that was the problem but difficulties in our way of relating to each other. A couple of years ago I sent letter to each of my parents thanking them for every tiny thing that they ever did for me that I could remember - it was a healing thing to do.
I'm happy that I didn't end up with debt problems as a reaction to my childhood and that I have now made peace with the simple lifestyle - and our family relationships have improved over time. All is good.
Originally posted by Dogmom.
anyone care to adopt me?!!Awww... I'm adopting you, and sending you a warm hug! :)
There's no doubt that for some children, seeing the benefits and advantages of having parents who are frugal, simple, and domestically inclined, can be a difficult challenge. Talking things out with others always does me good, too. So glad you brought this topic up.
P.S. Just so you know... that makes you kid #7! ROTFLMAO!
I will take you dogmom. :)
Aw..thanks my lovely Mums!!
Gardenarian
3-5-13, 3:54pm
It's not frugality which is the problem but the feeling that you're not loved
So true. I think that is beautiful that you thanked your parents. I never quite got over my resentment for the neglect I endured, and now both my parents are dead. I wish that I could go back and forgive and thank them - as you said, they had their own demons.
As for frugality, my dd has no problem with it - if anything, she feels she is pampered too much (we give her lots of time, not so much stuff.)
Sorry to hear about your regret Gardenarian - it is difficult when it is too late to put things right in they way you would wish for. You sound like you've got it right with your daughter - that's quite an achievement when you come from a difficult background yourself.
Originally posted by Gardenarian.
we give her lots of time, not so much stuffAnd THAT'S what's important. Love and closeness means far more to children, and is what children will carry with them for their entire lives, not treasures and spoils...
Sorry to hear about your regret Gardenarian - it is difficult when it is too late to put things right in they way you would wish for. You sound like you've got it right with your daughter - that's quite an achievement when you come from a difficult background yourself.
Sometimes the most loving thing that can be done for onesself and family is to break the chain and be a loving attentive parent to one's own children.
Oh wow - what you're describing is abuse. Your parents had sufficient resources to take care of themselves, but didn't give their children clothes, warmth, good food or pocket money? Were you literally cold and hungry during your childhood? Did anyone else step up to help you out?
And they've still never said they love you? Wow, this is very sad, and my heart goes out to you.
Hello
How do you explain to your kids that frugality doesn't mean that you don't love them. My parents were frugal and I always thought it meant they didn't love me enough to provide the clothes, warmth, nice food, pocket money and treats that other kids had. Now that I'm in my forties I'm fairly certain they do in fact love me (though they have never said so) but it has taken me thirty years to return to frugalism after having interpreted it in such a painful way as a child. It has also taken time to forgive them for having imposed such an uncomfortable lifestyle on me when they were then able both to retire early having saved plenty.
How do you all get round this - do your kids complain or do they enjoy finding creative frugal ways to have fun? How do you balance saving against their requests for stuff?
Hi Kitten
No, not abuse - never hungry, just horrid food, not freezing but cold, some treats but less than other kids...but thank you for your warm thoughts. I'm still surprised they've never said they love me and my brothers.
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