View Full Version : A difficult question...would you do it over again?
Every now and then, you read of these surveys where they ask parents, "If you could do it all over again, would you have kids?" To the best of my understanding, many of them say, "Nope."
Well, I have a survey/question of my own.
If you could get married to your current spouse again, would you do it? This is not the same as asking if you want a divorce.
If you met the same person today, as they are now (not as they were then) would you remarry them?
This is on my mind as an important anniversary in my life comes up.
Wondering what other people's takes are on this delicate issue.
There are some other life decisions I would have made differently that would have likely made the future so that DH and I never met. Big one, the main reason I went to college where I did was because my current boyfriend at the time was there. What a ridiculous reason and of course it wasn't even a valid reason for very long. Junior year of college I met DH.
We've been married 8 years and it has been mostly good. We are definitely still learning as we go and it is still a lot of work! I told my friend who has been dating a girl for a couple months, who was complaining about the difficulty of it all, that if it is hard two months in, the relationship is not marriage material...wait until you have to share a bathroom with someone. We have both changed a lot as people, but we have grown together. Meeting him today DH would still make me laugh all the time with his horrendously corny jokes and the core of his person hasn’t changed in that he is a solid partner and caring person. My complaints (of which he is well aware) that he works too much and is far too stubborn haven’t changed over the course of our relationship, and I can believe he would pretty much say the same about his issues with me.
At this time I would answer your question with a solid yes, but ask me again in 30 years, lol.
I think that if I did say no though, it would really be tough for me to reconcile that answer with the issue of not divorcing. Years ago in some economics course I learned the concept of sunk costs and how they generally aren’t relevant to future rational decision making. Just because I invested time into a relationship, if a marriage has been so bad that one wouldn’t do it again, I can’t imagine a scenario where I would stay in it and endure that same thing for more time. That is, unless there was some sort of outside force to think about like children, being shunned by a community, or being unable to support oneself, etc...
OK. Here is where I stand on that after thinking carefully.
I made a ton of mistakes with regard to how I handled the relationship earlier on. I was motivated by a lot of issues I hadn't dealt with. Now, IF I had been emotionally and psychologically sound, the truth is, our relationship would never have gotten off the ground. It never would have gone past the first date.
As it turns out, we've been married for 36 years now. I can't second guess this decision--who knows what the alternative paths would have done for me? But this path has given me an interesting life, a fun life, a joyful life, a mother's dream of a life with four unbelievably wonderful kids, and ultimately a very un-lonely life even though it's been a life also beset with emotional disability at times, poverty at times, and mental anguish at times. But who doesn't have that?
Short answer: If I had been strong and fully equipped, I never would have gotten to second base in this relationship, but I'm glad I limped all the way home!
e even though it's been a life also beset with emotional disability at times, poverty at times, and mental anguish at times. But who doesn't have that?
I don't know...I didn't think that those issues were very common. Maybe I just don't know enough people. Or maybe those I know don't talk about it. I have issues like that and quite frankly, I feel isolated and lonely and depressed.
A thousand times yes. DH and I are lucky in that we are even happier & healthier together now than when we married fifteen years ago (and things were good even then). Honestly, though, I can't imagine who DH and I would be today if we hadn't lived the last 15+ years together, become parents, etc. So if I met DH today, and both of us had been single all this time, I can't really picture who we would be. But the DH that he is today, I would marry him over again in a heartbeat. I do think, though, that I have been exceptionally lucky in DH and in the way we have grown together instead of apart, and the way that the hard things (parenting!) have only brought us together and made us feel like more of a team rather than the alternative. I give DH more than 50% of the credit for this. I am a lucky, lucky woman. Things are not perfect, of course, but that would take the flavor out of life, anyway.
Really hard question and depends on what moment you ask me. After 37 years together, I feel like we are joined at the hip as we think alike and share the same history. That provides a great level of comfort and support which is golden. I know I would never have had my lovely dd without this union so that in itself is worth any doubts. Any regrets really seem to center around my own insecurities about who I ought to be/what I should have been so blaming him for any of those shortcomings would not be fair. I went straight from my mother's house to living with dh, so never had any time on my own and that was probably not a good thing in retrospect.
Ditto what sallysue said, minus the parenting references. That said, I'm not all that big on "what if" scenarios like this and don't really find them helpful in my life. I prefer to look forwards, rather than back.
Kara
Right now, Yes, as difficult as it has been. If I could make one change is stop listening to people who poo poo our lifestyle choice- living simple, small, not much stuff and preferring not to settled down- always a gypsy life!!! : )
I adore my son, as crappy as it was to take care of him completely by myself while hubby was literally deployed for 3 years straight. From around 1 to 4, hubby was gone a lot. BUT I learned alot about my strengths and weaknesses and what I wanted out of life.
I don't know...I didn't think that those issues were very common. Maybe I just don't know enough people. Or maybe those I know don't talk about it. I have issues like that and quite frankly, I feel isolated and lonely and depressed.
Well, in spite of some dry spells over the years, I love my husband and we're soul mates in many ways, which is what has kept us going.
I think that if I did say no though, it would really be tough for me to reconcile that answer with the issue of not divorcing. Years ago in some economics course I learned the concept of sunk costs and how they generally aren’t relevant to future rational decision making. Just because I invested time into a relationship, if a marriage has been so bad that one wouldn’t do it again, I can’t imagine a scenario where I would stay in it and endure that same thing for more time. That is, unless there was some sort of outside force to think about like children, being shunned by a community, or being unable to support oneself, etc...
Good point.
Like anyone who's been together for a long time DW and I have had our ups and downs, some pretty extreme on both ends. All added together however the upside is huge. I'm more in love with her now than I've ever been and our relationship is more open and honest than ever (any time it wasn't can't be blamed on her) and that feels really good. Our sometimes divergent paths looking to the future are starting to join up on a more regular basis which gives me hope that we will make it all the way together. Overall I'm not much into the fantasy of "what if". Nothing wrong with the thought, it just doesn't do a lot for me. What I do know is that I'm extremely happy DW said yes when I proposed and so in that sense yes, I would do it again.
If I were to be totally honest there are times I wish I'd followed Plan A which included graduate school, working/career, and maybe if I had time consider marriage after age 28 (that's what I had written in my diary anyway).
Instead, Plan B, I married after 3 dates at age 22 (I think I was feeling a bit of post-college panic). Everything we've done has been for him and his work (art) and I find that a bit selfish. I was raised to be strong and have a career.....and I haven't.
I just can't imagine not having my two boys though and I do love my husband, even if I'm not a person that can say "I love you" every single day. I'm good with responsibilities and committments, just have never been a real 'feel-y' or emotional sort of person.
Gardenarian
3-5-13, 3:24pm
If I didn't have my dh then I wouldn't have dd, and that is unthinkable.
My marriage was kind of on the rebound - I think if I had felt more emotionally secure I would have chosen someone different, but my relationship history shows that even in the best circumstances I haven't always made the right choices.
I tend to be a bit pessimistic. I really don't know anyone who has a better marriage, and people often tell both of us how lucky we are.
DW and I will be married all of three years in April, so I'm not sure my answer counts much. But, yes, I'd marry her all over again.
Tussiemussies
3-5-13, 3:37pm
Definitely would marry my husband again, although he did some things that were very negative to me at one point in our marriage, he got over himself and now treats me like a princess. Sometimes I think it is out of guilt. But we have always been best friends and that is what holds us together... He has grown into a very compassionate loving person and I love him...<3
Oh, yes! Every night I go to bed thinking I love DH as much as humanly possible...and then I wake in the morning finding that I somehow love him more. There are seven billion people in the world, and I only want to be with him.
Kat, that is lovely. And I bet it works even for people who don't do it spontaneously. I find that if I work on my gratitudes and appreciations about my partner, they multiply. If I think only about my complaints, guess what? They multiply. so I am focusing on the things I especially love and appreciate.
We have been together for 7 years. Before that I was married for a long, long time, and he was married twice. For me, yes, I would do this again. I don't know what his answer would be.
There were a few years in-between marriage and now when I would have said no, if I met DH as he was in those years, I would not marry him. I put it down to his form of midlife crisis, which thankfully was not as bad as that of some others I've known.
But we are past that difficult time now, and I can honestly say yes again, which makes me very happy.
Yes, absolutely, definitely, Yes.
We've been married 45 years. Through the good times and the bad, he has been there for me and I for him. He is my first and only love. I would marry him again in a heartbeat.
Sure I would marry him again. I'm lucky in that this marriage gig turned out pretty much as I expected it would 25 years ago. For me it's more of a question: would I get married again, it's less about who I would marry. I actually think he might be the one to say: naw, I'd try someone else, and thanks for asking! He is very domestic and is born to be married. Me, not so much.
We both were fully formed at age 34 when we got married so neither of us has changed much.
I had one major fork in the road in 1980, left a beloved boyfriend to follow a career path across the country. At the time I knew it was a big big decision. I've not regretted it but I look back at the fork in the road with sadness that I had to make that decision. Again--I don't regret it but it was a big deal.
One of the main reasons why I married DH is that I had this sense that I could do most things that I wanted to do, that he wouldn't hold me down. He is a weird mix of traditional/don't-rock-the-boat and adventurous change out. He will go anywhere on vacation. Anywhere! And he'd move to most all of the places that I'd like to move (We both have similar tastes in geography.) But don't move his coffee cup in the cupboard, dammit, that's too much change! haha.
Blackdog Lin
3-5-13, 10:13pm
That said, I'm not all that big on "what if" scenarios like this and don't really find them helpful in my life. I prefer to look forwards, rather than back.
What treehugger said. My life with DH today is what it is. And today and lately, it's not particularly joyful - he's a grumpy sumgun. But there's something to be said for going on together for the next xx years, after having 36 years together already. There's something to be said for honoring those vows for 36 years, no matter that right now life might not be particularly.....awesomely loving. Up and down.....up and down.....
Yes. I would marry him again in a heartbeat. The thing is though, if I couldn't marry him, I probably wouldn't want to be married at all.
We were good friends, prepared to risk getting married versus being apart and formed a solid partnership from then on for 47 years of living a roller coaster with some big ups and downs but life was fun, lots of love, interesting growth and very rich in experiences - so yes.
Yes, definitely yes. He is my best friend, he has a kind heart, a great personality, and we have so much chemistry between us to this day.... Married 38 years this month. Been together about 42 years. We've had some ups and downs over the years for sure, but I couldn't imagine my life without him in it.
I would definitely have my son again; and I would definitely marry my husband now if I met him just today. He's a love.
Yes, though the few authority figures in my life then were horrified and argued strongly against it. More would have agareed with them had they known more about each of us. But we thought we could make it work and we have so far.
I won't even try to explain the very meandering internet surfing that brought me to this webpage (http://academictips.org/blogs/dont-hopedecide/), but it's very touching--in a Reader's Digest sort of way, but still.. it drives home a great point--one which relates to the topic.
I won't even try to explain the very meandering internet surfing that brought me to this webpage (http://academictips.org/blogs/dont-hopedecide/), but it's very touching--in a Reader's Digest sort of way, but still.. it drives home a great point--one which relates to the topic.
That's a great story, wow. Inspiring.
100% yes. I love him madly. Like Florence, if I wasn't married to him, I don't even know that I'd want to be married. We've been through a lot together, but I think we are better for it.
Well, I have a survey/question of my own.
If you could get married to your current spouse again, would you do it? .
Oh how to answer this - yes and no. I am divorced so this applies to ex-dh. He was basicly the right guy at the wrong time. We had a great relationship of approx. 20 years (married 17) yet we both had other things in our life that we wanted besides each other - mostly unorthodox career stuff both being in the coast guard at sea for long periods of time. Trying to fanagle ways we could be together yet have full lives in our careers and activities took too many compromises over the years for us to go on any longert together. We are both happier for having divorced but we were extremely compatible and wild about each other and in many ways had a perfect relationship - one I haven't been able to find with anyone else since. So on one hand, yes I'd marry him again since I feel he was the perfecy match for me. On the other hand, no I wouldn't unless we were both able to find a way to be together without both or either of of us having to sacrifice the other equally important things in our lives.
Heavens yes, I'd marry him all over again.
In fact, I'd say that if I DIDN'T feel that way, I'd probably separate from him. I love living alone, love the complete independence of being single. He's got to be pretty darned compelling to yank me away from that lifestyle :)
I have been in relationships previously in life that left me lonely and sad and depressed. I find that a tremendous waste of life and time. It's like a prison of my own making, which fear & doubt keep me locked in. If I hadn't gotten myself free of those, I never would've found myself in a position to meet the one that really adds richness and joy to my life.
In a heart beat! My husband is a much better man today than he was when I met him almost 26 years ago. He has a strong character, always puts the needs of others first, has an incredible work ethic, holds firm to his convictions, is by nature a gentle spirit and has an unwaivering faith. He's constantly working at bettering himself, growing and developing his character, working on minimizing the impact his weak areas have etc. Dedicates himself to serving others and believes that the marriage relationship is something that has unlimited potential for growth and closeness when you work at it.
I have been in relationships previously in life that left me lonely and sad and depressed. I find that a tremendous waste of life and time. It's like a prison of my own making, which fear & doubt keep me locked in.
One of the greatest lessons I've learned in my life is that it is better for one to be alone than to wish one were.
I probably wouldn't want to be married at all
This seems to be a prevailing theme among women I talk to these days. I wonder if married men feel the same.
I might have seriously considered marriage if I had been convinced that my life would be better for it. Someone asked once why I hadn't married and I replied that I could support myself and didn't want children, so what would be the point. Every once in awhile I see a married couple whose lives together are clearly better than they would be apart (the Reagans come to mind), so I know it's possible.
Sometimes it's not about how good a person your spouse is. Sometimes I'm not sure I want to be married or in a relationship with anyone at all. Sometimes I think I got married too young (although, at the time, I thought I had "done it all"). I never lived in my own apartment (I did briefly have one w/a roommate, but that was just a cover so I could spend weekends with my now-husband, as my strict parents objected to just about anything I did.
I guess that's what they call 20/20 hindsight, huh?
Edit: I also think that if I were to meet someone else today, with the traits my spouse exhibited when we were dating, I would walk away. In other words, I would not tolerate today what I was willing to tolerate many years ago. I was far more tolerant of things back then. Perhaps I am turning into a curmudgeon.
Mighty Frugal
3-7-13, 4:55pm
I won't even try to explain the very meandering internet surfing that brought me to this webpage (http://academictips.org/blogs/dont-hopedecide/), but it's very touching--in a Reader's Digest sort of way, but still.. it drives home a great point--one which relates to the topic.
thanks for this-it was beautiful! I'm bookmarking this website
Mighty Frugal
3-7-13, 4:58pm
I would have to say 'yes' I would marry him again. We (like everyone else) have been through highs and lows. There have been times when I couldn't stand him. But even after all the 'lows' I am still so crazy about him. I truly am still so attracted to him and he can still sweep me off my feet.
We didn't begin a relationship until I was 33 so I had quite a few before him. And all my other romances, something was missing, something intangible..but just that deep desire for this person. I always knew that another man COULD come and steal me away from my current boyfriend (and often, they did;):|( )
But with dh, nobody can 'steal' me....I am still so besotted
This seems to be a prevailing theme among women I talk to these days. I wonder if married men feel the same.Most guys I know seem to want to be married (this includes married guys as well as single guys) but the same seems to be true for the women I know - most want to be married and the single ones are actively pursuing finding Mr. Right. I love being single and wish to remain single at this time - and maybe forever. Although I'd be open to being with someone I was crazy about if I didn't have to overly compromise things in my life to be with them (have found the "crazy about" part but not the "don't have to change my lifestyle too much" part yet). In my circle of friends and aquietences, both mle and female, I seem to be the odd ball by not wanting to marry again.
Love my guy since 1978. Having said that, We both know and joke often that IF we were on a match site we would not be connected to each other. If we were strangers our paths would not meet most likely. Our lives have evolved into very different paths of interest. We will both honestly say we love each other, but have nothing in common other then family, love, respect and history with each other. So the chances of us actually meeting today and starting a relationship IF we had never met....about 99.9% would not happen.
SO how does that happen? I have thought about it before. I looked at three pictures taken 10/20/30 years apart the other day. I tried thinking about what we were doing, where we were,goals,hopes and dreams. I think we compliment each other and that is why it works today.
Yes. Especially now, as my DH is my rock while I negotiate my health stuff...
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