Could use some words of support

[mamalatte]

Hello All -

Bipolar husband recently had a major breakdown including getting arrested and spending night in jail and another night in emergency psych ward. Kiddos and I had to run out of house in the snow in our bare feet and pjs in the middle of the night due to major scary behavior; it was not ultimately directed at us but situation was very scary and out of control. Husband has managed illness much better in the past and this is by far the worst he has ever been, but now that he is out of the house and I have some space to breathe am realizing more, and allowing myself to realize, that situation has been unacceptable for some time. Husband admits his illness and tries hard to manage it, takes his medication, etc. He is not a denier who refuses to get treatment; right now he is voluntarily doing intensive outpatient "partial hospitalization" program.

On the practical side of things, I work full-time from home. Husband had been main caretaker of kids after school, although I was having to intervene/supervise more and more lately due to his angry behaviors. Currently overwhelmed trying to deal with it all; e.g., we live in a remote area and am having trouble finding alternate childcare so I can get back to work. Plus, the prognosis/outlook for bipolar is just so depressing. Have good network of professional and friend support as have been dealing with this illness many years; currently in process of adding "family therapist" and more support for kids to the team. They are elementary school age. Also looking into various support groups for myself. Only good thing to come of this (I will add "so far" here to show some optimism) is that community now knows of husband's illness, which he had been trying to hide and did not want me to tell anyone, so now I can talk to and get support from friends in our community. Main issue I can use continued support on is needing to stay strong that we do not need to let husband move back in and we do not need to put up with husband's unacceptable behaviors even though it is truly a "medical illness" and to some extent he "can't help it." I have a lot of empathy for his illness and his struggle and am willing to help him but need to keep my boundaries very clear for me and the kids to stay safe and healthy.

Any support much appreciated,
mamalatte

[domestic goddess]

Oh, mamalatte, I am so sorry you have all this on your plate now! Having had family members who were bipolar, I know how wearing it can all be, just trying to stay afloat. The person with the disorder gets all the attention from healthcare professionals and family members, and few stop to think about what the most immediate family members are going through.
Stand your ground. It may sound harsh to some to say that he can't come home right now, but your trust in him has been damaged by his behavior, even if he can't help it, and you need time to get your support systems in place before going back to the chaos that can come with this. You need some time to rest and heal, without having to be worried about your day-to-day survival and/or your children's safety. You know you won't always be able to count on him to have good control over his emotions and behavior, so you need to have help for yourself at the ready. Then you can work on getting back together as a family. Don't worry about the naysayers or the critical; they probably haven't had to walk in your shoes and aren't qualified to judge. Do what you have to do and don't worry about the rest. I wouldn't be surprised if dealing with the kids' squabbles is further agitating your dh; I know some days they can drive me crazy over absolutely nothing! You are in a remote area; is there any possibility of getting a teen to come over for some time on an occasional basis, to give your dh a break from the kids, so he can get hold of himself and remain a little calmer with them? Or some after school activites where they will be busy and he won't have to be the caretaker for awhile?
Anyway, all the best to you. and I hope the mental health professioals working with you can find more support for you. Maybe they will have some ideas about how to go about this?

[mamalatte]

Thank you, domestic goddess. Husband is voluntarily living in a hotel for now and has rented an apartment on a month-to-month basis starting April 1. He also had a restraining/protection order entered against him by someone in the community other than me. For the time being, he voluntarily agreed to a very expansive order which prevents him from even coming to our community at all. So, he is not at home at all and not needing to deal with the children and their squabbles, etc. DS in particular is very headstrong and prone to long loud tantrums that would try even the most sane person, so this is definitely for the best. We have been visiting him, but so far it has been with either me or one of his parents present, except for short periods such as for him to take them swimming in the hotel pool. I have some leads on after-school babysitting. I was hoping for one person but it looks like I will instead have to cobble together several people at 1 or 2 days each but they are all good people so I'm going with that for now and hope to have a schedule in place by next week. Thanks so much for your understanding words. I don't know anyone else with a bipolar family member and DH's parents are (incredibly) blaming me and are angry with me for not letting him move back in. I think they have their own issues that make it hard for them to accept this, so I am just accepting what help they are able to give.

[frugalone]

I'm so sorry, mamalatte.
It's difficult to keep a situation like this to yourself because you need help and support from others. How can you get it if your spouse's illness is a big, dark secret?

It is good that you are clear on your boundaries and are working to keep them in place.

I don't have a lot of advice, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong!

[poetry_writer]

mamalatte, i know that is a very difficult road to walk. You are doing the right thing in taking care of your and your childrens needs. I know one family that put their bipolar adult child out on the street. He was simply unsafe to be around and destroyed their home (holes in walls, screaming, cussing, hitting..etc). It is very hard when mental illness is involved, but even so, you have the right to live safely and peacefully. The current mental health system is so difficult to get help from, but it sounds like you are on the right path, and I pray things go well with your situation. Wishing the best for you

[CathyA]

(((hugs))))

[MamaM]

Triple (((HUGS)))

[Float On]

I'll add a ((hug)) too.

[JaneV2.0]

I hope this awful event leads to a turnaround in your situation, and his. Virtual shoulder pats.

[KayLR]

Mamalatte, here's a ((((Mamalatte)))) hug from me, too. I see a lot of positive in your posts...You've done so much right already. You have good perspective on all this, but I'm sure it gets wearing after a while. I'm glad you have established a community of support and are getting a family therapist for the kids. I hope you will continue to ask for support here, too.

[SteveinMN]

Keep on keepin' on, mamalatte. You are doing the right thing for you and for your kids, and, frankly, it sounds like DH could do with some time away from domestic stressors so he can try to wrap his hands around his illness. As they say on the airplanes when the oxygen masks drop down, put yours on first and then you can help your children and others.

DW's father was bipolar, but, AFAIK, never "dangerous" -- either in-bed-for-weeks depressed or mile-a-minute manic. But never physically threatening. Bipolar disorder is tough enough for others to handle that threatening or scary behavior is just beyond what anyone should have to deal with.

One thought is to contact social services in your county. Even if you don't qualify financially, they should be able to serve as a source of information for caretakers and other options for DH's care.

I'm hoping for the best for you and your family. But know you are on the right track.

[razz]

Wow, that is a challenge so good thoughts coming your way.

[try2bfrugal]

Sorry to hear about your situation. That is a lot to deal with.

Here is a blog post on dealing with adversity I have found helpful -
http://www.briantracy.com/blog/general/hard-times-overcoming-adversity/

[Azure]

Oh gosh I am sorry. That is a lot of stress for a family to deal with. Hugs from me too.

[Zoebird]

One of my besties from high school and my SIL both have bipolar disorder. It is a huge mess. It is extremely hard to deal with so close in as you and your children are. And I have no doubt that his parents are in complete denial of the situation/problem -- they lived with it, and of course, by the "old rules of marriage" you just have to live with those marital choices, right? He's family, right? etc.

I love my friend and actually my SIL too. But they can cause a lot of chaos. They don't mean to, but they can. And they can put you (that is to say, me, my husband, and my son) at risk with their crazy. Maybe not physical (ie, anger/breaking things/hitting/whatever), but definitely risky risky stuff. My SIL caused us a lot of scared for a bit by the people she would introduce into our lives when she was in a bad way. It's tough.

I think you are doing all the right things -- having him have his own place, doing the best you can with ILs, and finding as much support as you can. You'll get into a new rhythm and things will start to take shape.

And I'm glad you are all safe!

[Rosemary]

That is a lot to deal with (understatement). Try to find time for self-care as your work your way through this... I know that far less serious stresses seriously impact my sleep and result in me being at less than 100% during the day in energy, patience, attention... I can only imagine how stressed you must be. It sounds like you are on top of everything - the health care system resources for everyone, shielding the kids from the impact as much as possible.

Best wishes to you in working through this.

[chrisgermany]

Hugs!
You have a lot on your plate right now. Always one step at a time.
Take good care of yourself.

[SiouzQ.]

I have first hand knowledge of the chaos that dealing with people with mental illness brings - I have no words of wisdom other than what was already said. Take care of yourself and the children first and formost. There is too much destruction that occurs when one starts going down with the drowning person. Som how learn to love and detach at the same time??? I am still trying to work this one out; it is most definitely a process, at any rate. Safety first, though. Hang in there, you have a lot of people pulling for you!

[domestic goddess]

mamalatte, my dfil was bipolar, and dh was bipolar, until his stroke. That changed enough in his brain, apparently, that he "only" suffered from depression. I thought that would actually be a relief, but I was wrong.
My dfil became paranoid when he was manic, and often had what they called psychotic breaks. Then, others were in danger, not because he was overtly dangerous, but because when he felt that others were trying to kill him, his attempts at protecting himself and his family were just not well thought out, to put it mildly.
Unfortunately, it is easier for your dh's family to blame you and be angry at you for his bipolar disorder, than to deal with the fact that there really is no blame to be placed on anyone. We play the blame game so much in this society; someone must always be at fault when anything negative happens, and they must pay, in some way. It is hard to accept that sometimes bad things just happen, and there is often little to do but learn to live with them. How you are going to deal with them, I can't imagine, but take care of yourself and your children, and let them be crazy somewhere else. If they think it would be so easy for you to have him in your home in his current state, they should take him into theirs. Limit your contact with them, if necessary, but don't allow them to steer your bus. I'd bet they are secretly afraid that he will end up back in their home, and they know they can't deal with him. But that is their issue. Just don't let them get you down!

[mamalatte]

Thank you everyone for your support. This is really tough. Right now focusing on getting childcare in place and catching up on work a bit. Next week also hope to get family therapist in place and some additional counseling resources for myself. Trying to just get through one day at a time.

[awakenedsoul]

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, mamalatte. It sounds like you are making systematic changes to stay safe. It's good that he admits that he has a problem. I have a neighbor who I think is bipolar and she would just fly into rages. It is scary and out of control. I'm glad you're protecting yourself and your kids.

[early morning]

A fair number of my students are bipolar - some of them are often afraid of what they will do, themselves. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, but it sounds like you are doing a good job of protecting your children and your self - (((( )))) and best wishes.

[leslieann]

Best wishes, mamalatte. No fun for sure. I hope when you are arranging childcare that you make sure you set up some time for you to have for yourself, not just when you are working or taking care of other people. This is a difficult situation and your one-day-at-a-time approach is a good one, but remember that time for you to rest and relax is just as important as anyone else's time. Maybe more because so many are depending on you.

Lots of good ideas in this thread. I wish you well in this situation. I am glad that people with direct experiences have spoken up here; they are people with the wisdom of real life.

Take good care of you.

[margene]

Mammalatte, I'm soo sorry. I'm dealing with something similar but maybe to a lesser degree as my spouse is addicted to drugs. Currently he's sober as in the last week and going to meetings. Having alot of mixed emotions as to whether to stay or not. I do feel responsible for him. I started going to alanon which has helped me alot. Finding a support group for yourself would help. When you get up in the morning just think all I have to do is get through today and things won't seem quite as daunting. Try to stay strong and keeping reaching out to your family or friends.

[dogmom]

Sorry to hear about your predicament Mamalatte - it sounds like you are doing a good job of keeping yourself clear about what is important. Sending you hugs and good thoughts.

[mamalatte]

Thank you again for all the support. It means so much. Friends IRL have also been very very supportive. I feel lucky to have all of you.

[dado potato]

ml: FWIW
http://www.ndmda.org
http://www.depressionfallout.com


Bright blessings be upon you.

[mamalatte]

dado p -I was familiar with that first organization, but not the second one, thank you!

update - A wonderful new babysitter fell from the sky somehow who can do three afternoons per week, and an old favorite babysitter can do one afternoon, so I have childcare in place, yay! Took care of backlog of bills and other paperwork today and looking forward to catching up on work.

So many ups and downs from day to day but getting through somehow. Main issue = as time goes by and DH starts to get "better," staying firm not to deal with abusive behavior from DH no matter the cause; seeking a support group or counseling to help with that. Also have found family therapist I feel very good about for kids and me.

Used to be type of person who never asked for help but so glad I have learned to accept support from others . . . Thanks again for all the support here.

[Zoebird]

Sounds like great progress, mamalatte.