View Full Version : Self-care/focusing on your own needs when you are in a marriage
Hi, folks:
Here's something I have always found to be a bit of a paradox.
I was in therapy for many years, and when I focused too much on my spouse's issues (he was not in counseling with me), my therapist used to tell me to focus on my self-care and on my own needs.
I've never quite been able to figure out what that means. To me, self-care=spending money on myself. I had a problem with debt and overspending more than once in my life and I don't want it to happen again. Right now, I don't have a lot of money to spend anyway.
Sure, I understand that hot baths and reading books are things I enjoy. However, I think my SO thinks I'm ignoring him if I read while he's around, or if I go on the computer to chat with friends.
He's always saying he wants to go for walks together. What if I want to go on a walk alone? Is that "selfish"?
Before I start rambling, I'll try and put it frankly: What IS self-care, anyway, and how do I do it while I'm in a committed relationship?
I would say that going for a walk alone is NOT selfish, but self-care. The same with reading. That doesn't mean you constantly ignore your SO, but you don't constantly attend to SO's needs. He's an adult and should be able to entertain himself for a bit. Carve out some time for yourself, even if it "feels" selfish. Good luck.
Self care is ensuring that your needs are met as much as your SOs. It should be balanced. I knew that I was not going to be in a relationship like my parents or like my husband's parents. My mom and mother in law both sacraficed their own needs, desires, wants, ideas to those of their husbands. It was not an equal partnership for either marriage although they stayed together for over 60 years each. My word for it was doormat. My mom even asked my Dad who to vote for and my mother in law never voted in 80 years due to her husband. (she voted for the first time last election.)
I was apart from my spouse for 15 weeks during the first two years of marriage for work training across the country and for the first 12 years always did more of the away from home travel. Then it changed and he was gone more. Although he mangages the money and pays the bills, the information is fully available to me and I am totally comfortable with it. I go away on my retreats, go to my own meetings, have my own friends. He does Habitat and SAWS stuff with the guys.
No way will I let our relationship be my one and only one. No way will I do 100% of everything with him. We both need to be able to enjoy time apart and to do things apart as well as together.
ps: I do not equate self care with spending any money. If I want to go to the library alone, I go. I have to do my power walking alone because I need to walk at my speed which varies and he needs a totally different speed. This is fine.
The self-care you are talking about sounds to me like doing what you would do if you weren't married. Whatever you need to do to grow as your own person, whatever hobby, whatever education, whatever job development, whatever sports, etc that you would do to be happy with yourself.
These are the things that make you a stronger person, which will make you a stronger partner in your marriage. There are no rules that say you have to spend every spare moment of your life with your spouse.
Does your husband have his own hobbies/personal interests that he is pursuing? Doing so would give you more time to pursue your own interests.
I don't equate self care with spending money, either. I get a monthly massage (and another in the middle if I'm hurting), but it's more for some physical issues (piriformis syndrome, carpal tunnel) than just stress relief.
As I'm single, I don't have to worry about someone else, and my self care consists mostly of extra sleep (naps) and long hot baths with a book.
Is your DH watching TV while you're reading? Meet friends at all? Almost sounds to me like a guy who has no hobbies...
awakenedsoul
3-10-13, 8:04pm
Cheryl Richardson has some goods books on self care. It's also keeping your home beautiful, cooking delicious meals, listening to inspiring music, spending time in nature, etc. It's keeping yourself happy. I agree that it's important for your significant other to have his own friends, activities, and pursuits. Do you have girlfriends that you spend time with? For me, that helps a lot, too.
Self-care seems to me to be setting some boundaries on togetherness so that both needs and interests are supported and each partner flourishes. If one is an introvert and the other an extrovert, the needs are different.
Self-care is ensuring that each is mentally healthy, each is responsible for the self so that each can support the other. No one can live, think, or act for another without it becoming a control issue which is neither loving, supportive or responsible.
What I do for self care: read, write, meet friends for lunch, call long-distance friends and family, crafts, work in the garden, cook foods that *I* like but DH and DD aren't crazy about for my lunches, exercise that I enjoy.
What my DH does for self care: meets coworkers after work 1-2x/month for appetizers and long talks; occasionally goes to see movies by himself or with a friend (I'm not wild about movies in the theater); reads; does electronics work with DD.
What we do to care for each other: listen, talk, do our best to have pleasant visits with our in-laws (we both like each other's parents, but that doesn't always make it easy to live with them for 1-2 weeks at a time!), back and/or foot rubs, help each other with things around the house and yard as needed, etc. I cook dinners with him in mind and pack his breakfast, lunch, and coffee every day. He tolerates a less-than-ideal work situation because we love living here and he supports me being home to take care of DD, him, and the house/yard/pets. We talk walks together, go to museums, and go camping, as well as travel farther afield, all of which experiences give us more things to talk about.
It's very sad, but he doesn't seem to have a life outside our home anymore. The few friends he had turned out to be toxic, in a sense (always want him to do stuff for them w/o compensation, or give free advice, or just plain using him). He's not employed and has not been for some time. Recently he started working on a hobby he used to take much pleasure in, which I found promising.
It's not like he's hanging on my neck all the time. And he's fine if I am doing something like painting. He just made some comments the other day that I found upsetting. Along the lines of "you don't want to do things with me anymore, like take a walk." Just an example.
I have expressed my concern that he doesn't get out enough...but you can lead a horse to water etc. etc.
The self-care you are talking about sounds to me like doing what you would do if you weren't married. Whatever you need to do to grow as your own person, whatever hobby, whatever education, whatever job development, whatever sports, etc that you would do to be happy with yourself.
These are the things that make you a stronger person, which will make you a stronger partner in your marriage. There are no rules that say you have to spend every spare moment of your life with your spouse.
Does your husband have his own hobbies/personal interests that he is pursuing? Doing so would give you more time to pursue your own interests.
I have been avoiding my friends and family. Mostly because I feel so crappy most of the time, I just don't want to see anyone.
I feel like I don't have a life anymore, outside of going to work and going home. When the weekend comes around, I don't feel like driving anywhere to see friends.
I even have to push myself to work on my hobbies.
Something is not right here. I'm not sure I would use the term "depression," but something is just not right.
Cheryl Richardson has some goods books on self care. It's also keeping your home beautiful, cooking delicious meals, listening to inspiring music, spending time in nature, etc. It's keeping yourself happy. I agree that it's important for your significant other to have his own friends, activities, and pursuits. Do you have girlfriends that you spend time with? For me, that helps a lot, too.
awakenedsoul
3-11-13, 2:38pm
You sound depressed to me. I've felt that way, too. It seems most of your posts point in this direction. It's like he's zapping all of your energy. You sound more like his mother than his significant other. (Sorry if this sounds judgemental.) I've been in a relationship that drained me, and I had to get out. If you don't have outside interests and relationships, then you're both going to be isolated and negative.
You both sound depressed to me, or dysthymic; definitely lonely. May I suggest that you both agree on 2 specific times a week that you take a walk together, and just do that for a month? See how it feels. Then add one more thing you do together that is outside the house, like a movie, or throw a frisbee around. Concurrently, choose one thing you like to do, just you, and do that once a week for a month. See how it feels. Hugs.
ApatheticNoMore
3-11-13, 2:55pm
I have been avoiding my friends and family. Mostly because I feel so crappy most of the time, I just don't want to see anyone.
it's easy to diagnose depression, but maybe your friends and family just suck? You've posted before here about issues with family, and some with friends. But even if your friends are nice enough people ..... maybe you just don't have much in common with them (anymore)? Maybe you'd be better off joining a hobby group doing something you'd like to do (maybe you like the outdoors, or maybe you like some type of exercise, or maybe you like discussing books in a particular subject, etc.). Even a support group might be an option but those can get heavy, so not for everyone. Hobby groups are pretty wide-ranging though.
Maybe self-care for depression is just sleeping in all weekend. I've done it. I mean if the not wanting to do anything but sleep gets so bad that you lose your job and your husband is considering divorce it might be a problem. But some weekends spend sleeping in aren't anything.
The way you describe your husband, he does sound like he wants a mommy - a mommy of an infant who needs attention 24/7.
ApatheticNoMore, maybe it's true that I say too many negative things about my husband on here. However, I certainly don't want to give anyone the impression he is an "infant who needs attention 24/7."
Here are the things he does for our household: takes care of my clothing/wardrobe (including ironing my clothes for work every day), prepares all meals, does the food shopping, takes care of the pets, deals with the health insurance companies, doctors, etc., deals with any auto issues, listens to my not inconsiderable amount of complaints about my underemployed and underpaid situation (even if he did work outside the home, it doesn't change that I am not happy with my work situation), helps my mother with any kind of household repairs she has, offers my mom advice on said issues, figured out an entire diet for me when I was diagnosed w/Type II diabetes (and went on the same diet himself, tho he is not DII), drives me to and from work each day, helps me with my hobby (hard to explain but if I ever need a special tool, he's there with it). Then there are the things like listening to me cry when I have an upcoming dental appointment and I am terrified. And being there last summer when my mother had major surgery--going to the hospital with me every single day.
I probably owe him and all of you an apology if I've given you the impression that he totally sucks as a human being.
Nonetheless, I will admit that dealing with some of his issues does drag me down.
Not that I can't be doing more for myself...and I should. However, I'm having a very rough time right now. It feels like a brick wall everywhere I turn. Look for another job? Sure, doing what? My old field, that nearly sent me into a nervous breakdown? Join a social group? Most of them meet while I'm at work. And you're right about my family and friends. I never thought about it before, but I seem to have very little in common with some of my oldest friends. I don't have kids or grandkids (they are starting to have them, or have kids going to college). The friends I do have that I have things in common with, they live far away and are more cyberfriends. My book group has broken up.
I'm not going to go on and on here. I am going to keep trying to make things better for myself, though.
Gardenarian
3-11-13, 3:37pm
it's easy to diagnose depression, but maybe your friends and family just suck?
The way you describe your husband, he does sound like he wants a mommy - a mommy of an infant who needs attention 24/7.
+1 ANM. I think pretty often life circumstances are just depressing; it's real.
For me, self-care often entails getting out and doing something adventorous - climbing, hiking, kayaking. DH is more of an inside person.
I think the most important part, or at least the first step, of self-care is setting aside the time for yourself. It's not selfish; this is your life, not your husband's. You deserve to live it the way you want.
I just learned of a book by Eric Maisel called "Rethinking Depression." The description at Amazon says this:
"In recent decades, much of the unhappiness inherent in the human condition has been monetized into the disease of depression and related "disorders." Maisel persuasively critiques this sickness model and prescribes a potent new approach that updates the best ideas of modern psychology. The result is a revolutionary reimagining of life’s difficulties and a liberating model of self-care that optimizes our innate human ability to create meaning and seize opportunity — in any circumstance."
He says in the book that sometimes life's circumstances make us "sad and unhappy"--but that that is not necessarily depression.
Gardenarian, good point--sometimes things just stink. I WISH I were the sort of person who was outdoor-adventuresome. Too chicken, I'm afraid. Will have to stick with art, gardening, and other quieter pursuits!
frugalone, in an ideal world, would you wish your partner were employed, so that the whole burden would not be falling on you? It seems like a lot of pressure to put on you, no matter what he chooses to help with at home. You're in a position you don't like, and yet perhaps you don't have the freedom to pursue other options because so much depends on just you? He is exercising the choice to remain unemployed and you don't feel you have that choice? I know that, in addition to a possibly codependent partner and toxic friends/family, would bring my energy down to very low levels.
Self-care might include recrafting your relationship to eliminate areas like this.
Sitting down together and figuring out how to spend time together and time apart in a way that cares for BOTH of you is a wonderful idea too. Then you're partners, not adversaries.
I don't think much of Maisel's book (I've read it). Yes, we've monetized depression as a society, but on an individual level, if you go through life like a zombie with very little enjoyment of anything, you can give it any name you want, but you are suffering from debilitating depression/sadness/unhappiness. That's not to say you need drugs or expensive treatments. You just need a change. Life's about joy.
Puglogic, you do have some good points here.
Thanks for letting me know about Maisel's book. I know I need a change. I just don't know what to do. I cannot force another person to change. Does this necessarily mean I should leave my spouse? It's easy for other people to say things like "throw him out" or "you should get a divorce." I do not want to do that. At least right now. Right now, I don't have the strength to do any such thing.
I'm happy that your life is good and that you believe life is about joy. If I were to look back--I don't think I've ever been a particularly happy person. Maybe when I was a child and I believed in Santa. I've been pretty miserable most of my life. Maybe I DO suffer from depression. I was in therapy for years, I had the drugs, I had a lot of help...I'm still not happy.
I'm not sure that leaving my spouse would make me any happier. I may be one of those people who is just never happy/satisfied.
I know I need a change. I just don't know what to do. I cannot force another person to change. Does this necessarily mean I should leave my spouse? It's easy for other people to say things like "throw him out" or "you should get a divorce." I do not want to do that. At least right now. Right now, I don't have the strength to do any such thing.
If you don't know what you want, changing a random "something" may not be the solution. As sharing and open and accepting as this group of strangers and acquaintances is, I would suggest that, at this point, you've exceeded their abilities to help diagnose and treat the issues here. It may be time to seek the assistance of either a clergyperson you both trust (if you're churchgoers) or even a marriage therapist. Either one should be able to help you identify what role your husband plays in your current situation and point you to helpful resources.
ApatheticNoMore
3-11-13, 4:21pm
Haven't read the book, don't know what perspective Maisel is coming at it from. I'm somewhat partial to Jungian perspectives myself :) Precisely because Jungian perspectives are by no means all sweetness and light, they go deep enough for the human experience frankly. They are more we go through dark times, have shadows etc., depression may be experienced for a reason, heck even pretty brutal things like grief are part of life and you won't be happy then (I wish it were otherwise :( ). This might be interpreted as we must be and stay depressed but it's not meant to be that at all. A friend of mine said that we get depressed in order to get some rest basically!!! We get depressed in order to withdraw, because we can't give any more to the world, we need to step back. Permanently? No. For the time being. And depression drives toward that withdrawal. Sleep does seem to help me (what's more withdrawing than sleeping all day? haha). Yea, sleeping a lot when depressed really helps me. It may or may not help you. Oh and accepting the impetus of depression is not some gung ho thing like: "don't get help, white knuckle depression" or anything like that. That's not Jungian at all. Get help if you need it. It's more these may be phases of life that we pass through for a reason (doesn't have to be a cosmic reason, just a psychological/subconscious one).
I can only say so much about the husband stuff, because hey, I ain't married (your original discription did sound horribly codependent though :)).
I think Maisels makes a good point--that we've pathologized sadness, which may simply be a response to situations beyond our control, and perfectly normal. I've read that each of us has what might be called a "happiness thermostat" that can be adjusted up or down slightly by circumstance, but maybe not by much.
Frustration, anger, and feeling trapped can also trigger feelings of depression--maybe more traditionally in women.
I also believe there's a strong physiological component related to diet and/or energy levels; it's never just "all in your head." Speaking of diet, there was an interesting thread on Gluten-free Girl's blog some time back: http://glutenfreegirl.com/page/2/ It might be helpful.
Gardenarian
3-11-13, 4:36pm
Your original question: What is self-care?
I really like the books by Sarah Ban Breathnach (Simple Abundance, Something More, etc.) They are written specifically for women who are trying to bring more joy, creativity, passion, good stuff into their lives. Most libraries have a selection of her work. She also has a website: Simple Abundance: a Return to Comfort and Joy (http://www.simpleabundance.com/).
I have also mentioned before that I saw a life coach and found it very helpful - it cost a total of $100 for four sessions and really helped me get my life in balance when I was feeling pulled apart trying to meet other people's needs. ((((hugs))))
ApatheticNoMore
3-11-13, 4:42pm
I think Maisels makes a good point--that we've pathologized sadness, which may simply be a response to situations beyond our control, and perfectly normal. I've read that each of us has what might be called a "happiness thermostat" that can be adjusted up or down slightly by circumstance, but maybe not by much.
Frustration, anger, and feeling trapped can also trigger feelings of depression--maybe more traditionally in women.
I also believe there's a strong physiological component related to diet and/or energy levels; it's never just "all in your head."
+1 agree with all of this and yes there may be some physical component, diet, but also things like light (personally I get some S.A.D. every year, even this far south! feeling somewhat better for no good reason, even when most good reasons would say I should *not* feel better, just when spring starts happening). But it's not all physical either. Psycho-social-biological the only explanation that is comprehensive enough IMO.
I would love to find a life coach. I'm not quite sure how to go about that, though. I know they are all over the Internet, but how do you find a good one.
Thank you for the hugs. I need them.
I went for a walk at lunch at saw CROCUSES for the first time this spring. It brought a glimmer of happiness to me.
Your original question: What is self-care?
I really like the books by Sarah Ban Breathnach (Simple Abundance, Something More, etc.) They are written specifically for women who are trying to bring more joy, creativity, passion, good stuff into their lives. Most libraries have a selection of her work. She also has a website: Simple Abundance: a Return to Comfort and Joy (http://www.simpleabundance.com/).
I have also mentioned before that I saw a life coach and found it very helpful - it cost a total of $100 for four sessions and really helped me get my life in balance when I was feeling pulled apart trying to meet other people's needs. ((((hugs))))
Gardenarian
3-11-13, 5:58pm
I would love to find a life coach. I'm not quite sure how to go about that, though. I know they are all over the Internet, but how do you find a good one.
I was lucky - mine was my neighbor, and I already knew and respected her. I think word of mouth is the best way to find a life coach - I think the regulations on this are non-existent; almost anyone could just set up shop and call themselves a life coach.
If you PM me with your location, I can ask my life coach if she knows anyone good in your area.
Hey frugalone, I really do understand. I suffered from the SERIOUS blahs (I won't call it depression :) ) for many, many years and I think that in my case too, it was because that was my "happy set point." I grew up in a really unsupportive environment, to say the least, and was never a happy person, not until at least 35 or 40 and after a lot of work on myself to figure out a lot of junk.
Working with a life coach was super-helpful for me too. I was lucky to stumble onto one that was really good for me, and she helped me find lots of ways to make lots of small improvements to my life which all added up. I also worked with a therapist who knew a lot about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is not a sit-on-the-couch-and-tell-me-about-your-mother thing so much as a lets-figure-out-what-you're-feeling-and-what-you-can-do-about-it thing, an active therapy rather than 50 years of backstory :D
I'm also working in this right now: http://www.ebt.org/about/5539/nojs (jury's still out on it, but it feels nice to do)
In any case, I hope you're able to find whatever thing helps YOU to shift toward having more joy in your life. I know it's not easy, but I swear it's worth any effort you have to put into it.
Hugs to you!
My husband and I are happier when we have a balance of time together and time alone. I work 50 hours most weeks and enjoy a few hours a few times a week alone after work. My husband feels free to make some evening or weekend plans without me, knowing its good for both of us. (he likes to get out more, I like to be home after a long day .... Once in a while I make plans for me, but I'm more introverted and enjoy a few hours at home)
P.S. this trailer makes me happy to watch, and the movie REALLY made me happy to watch :)
http://www.thehappymovie.com/
I know a number of really amazing life coaches. here is who I suggest:
http://shelleyglendenning.wordpress.com/about/
I've known her for 17 years, and had a few consults with her. She's pretty incredible.
awakenedsoul
3-11-13, 8:41pm
There's a book by Sonia Choquette called True Balance that you might like. It's all about the chakras. She gives practical ways to balance them. It's helped me immensely. Her books are available on Amazon.com.
I went for a walk at lunch at saw CROCUSES for the first time this spring. It brought a glimmer of happiness to me.
Yay! For me, finding the positive even in a time when everything else seems negative/hopeless is HUGE! I hope you can keep finding a crocus or its equivalent every day. Or maybe more than one!
I second the recommendation for cognitive behavioural therapy as an approach that helps, at least in my case. There is a workbook based on the Feeling Good books -- maybe you and your DH could work through that together? Might help you better understand each other/build closeness at the same time you are working through various issues and trying to feel better.
Hang in there. I still remember how bad things were for you when you were still looking for work and the savings were dwindling. Although you are still facing a lot of challenges, at least now you have a steady income (even if not quite enough, it helps to have something). Not trying to say your current problems aren't significant, but do try to look on the bright side. CBT is very good at helping you notice/break up negative thought patterns -- the "This ALWAYS happens to me" knee jerk reaction -- and helping you to see the crocuses that are out there sprouting up as soon as they get the chance. There is hope. Hope you can find it soon!
lhamo
Really good suggestions here....I also recommend getting a life coach....it was the best $500 that I have ever spent! He had asked me to do one exercise where I had to write out what my ideal job, ideal mate, ideal work, and ideal day looked like. I couldn't thing about it much, just write as fast as I could and as many things that came into mind for each category. Once that was done, he had me construct a vision board/dream board of things, situations, and experiences that I wanted to attract into my life.
Every single thing on those exercises have come true for me.
I think it would be a good exercise for you to do and maybe if DH is open to it, have him come up with his ideals and goals. My DH thought it was a little too new agey for him, but now he asks me to put it on the board ;)
iris lily
3-12-13, 10:28am
Really good suggestions here....I also recommend getting a life coach....it was the best $500 that I have ever spent! He had asked me to do one exercise where I had to write out what my ideal job, ideal mate, ideal work, and ideal day looked like. I couldn't thing about it much, just write as fast as I could and as many things that came into mind for each category. Once that was done, he had me construct a vision board/dream board of things, situations, and experiences that I wanted to attract into my life.
Every single thing on those exercises have come true for me.
I think it would be a good exercise for you to do and maybe if DH is open to it, have him come up with his ideals and goals. My DH thought it was a little too new agey for him, but now he asks me to put it on the board ;)
Oh, I completely believe in the "visualize it and it will come" phenomena. Putting things on a board is just the contemporary exercise to get there.
It's all about focus--focus on what you want.
I agree with that. One of the speakers popular these days says, "You get what you think about, whether you want it or not." Wherever you let your mind spend the most time is probably what you'll attract more of. Change your thoughts and life can shift pretty dramatically. Did for me anyway.
When in coaching I resisted doing a vision board but when I finally did, I was pleased with how it articulated (better than I could) the kind of life I wanted. It still hangs in my office and I look at it every day.
Oh, I completely believe in the "visualize it and it will come" phenomena. Putting things on a board is just the contemporary exercise to get there.
It's all about focus--focus on what you want.
I think of those collages of desirable outcomes/situations/goals as "focus boards," and if anyone needs focus, it's moi. If only I could focus long enough to put one together....
I agree that focus/vision boards are great. But, fair warning, they only work when you do actually do some forward action on those goals. :) if you don't, then they don't come to pass.
But often, it's about identifying whaty ou want so that you know what to go for, and then you can go for it. ;)
ApatheticNoMore
3-18-13, 3:41pm
I'm often real cynical and think "life coaches" are just would be therapist too (lazy?) to get the proper training. I'm not obsessed with credentialism, not all: "omg, someone is doing payroll who doesn't have an accounting degree!" But there are a certain few professions I kind of like the full crendentials for. Still sometimes I wonder if something like coaching would be helpful, though I'm pretty jaded on getting help period. Therapy for me never hit the brick wall over too much childhood stuff, like "oh no not childhood stuff again." There really are very few therapists that focus exclusively on childhood (probably a strawman) since a much more holistic focus of therapy is a very old idea. It always hits the wall in the end over them: "you should see life that way", me: "no I see it this way", them "you should value that", me: "no this is what I value", "this should be what is important to you", "yea but this is what I really think and care about all the time" etc..
So I do wonder about other things like coaching and what exactly they would consist of, but I am as tired of wasting hope on such things as I am of wasting money on it. Maybe I am tired of trying to be remade and would just rather someone meet me in the middle. Bleh, though I really don't care if I never seek help again in my life, I just regret it mostly hasn't done that much good.
I've never had therapy, but judging from the (admittedly few) psych classes I had in college and all I've read, heard, and seen since, most of us would be better off taking a walk in the woods or dancing in a circle with a tambourine than paying a stranger to ask "How does that make you feel?" repeatedly. I suspect there are a number of "life coaches" who are competent to offer advice about getting unstuck without peeling your ego away from your id and dragging your family of origin through the primordial slime of their own fantasies. The trick, of course, is finding a good, practical, experienced counselor.
ANM, you might be interested in a therapy approach called ACT, acceptance and commitment therapy. It incorporates mindfulness and thus separation of the thought from the self (I am not my thoughts) but what made me think of it with you is that it helps a person clarify and define what he or she values and then supports commitment to act on those values, within acceptance of the world as it is (and you are you are, with anxiety, depression, psychosis, etc). There are lots of web resources because the ACT community is committed to making materials available (and free).
I think of the distinction between coach and therapist as the coach makes recommendations and works with you to help you feel better and do better. The therapist works with you to support you to feel whatever it is you feel, maybe better and maybe not, but doesn't tell you what to do, how to think, or how to be...therapy is more a process of supporting a person to do their own difficult emotional work. As a therapist, I have frequently thought that being a coach would be a pretty good gig....get motivated people to do things that they actually WANT to do and they are happy about it. But that's no doubt just a naive view.
Gardenarian
3-18-13, 4:45pm
Hi ANM and all -
My life coach had me do a series of exercises (on paper) to determine where my life was out of sync with my values, desires, and goals. She gave specific advice on how to re-adjust my patterns, work, routines, and relationships so that they would better align with my deeper, true priorities. She recommended reading, meditations, exercises, she gave me things to work on with my dh and dd, and gave me real, honest feed-back. Whatever I needed to make my life work better for me, she was there.
This was very different from my experience in therapy, where the therapist more passively encouraged me to unwrap the layers of baloney I had wrapped around myself since childhood.
Both were useful, though therapy was much more expensive and time consuming. I probably got the most benefit from therapy in the first 3 months, but continued much longer. If I had switched to coaching after 3 months, that would have been ideal (tho' I don't think life coaches existed in the 1980s.)
You can ask you life coach all sorts of things that you wouldn't bring up in therapy. You can work on organizational skills, improving your finances, whether you should get your hair cut - whatever is your need. It's much more in the moment. And sometimes you just need a kick in the @ss, which therapists usually wait for you to give yourself.
My life coach was also useful in providing a lot of great references, everything from dentists to plumbers to babysitters.
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