New beginnings but sad about ending [Archive]

chrissieq

3-10-13, 7:17pm

I found out last week that the job I've held for 21 years (an aide to special education students) is ending as the program is being phased out and the balance of students moving to another building. (That is a whole other story - doesn't seem to be in the best interest of students but out of my control.)

I can choose to move to the new building - nice to have the choice. However it is now a 15 mile drive and I am spoiled cause currently I am a mile from home and walk at least 4 days a week. The thought of starting over in a new school just wears me out.

I feel like I'm being a big baby about this - suck it up - people do it all the time however. . .

We are debt free - own our house outright - expenses can be managed on one salary, I have a small side business that earns me a few hundred $$ each month, we have pension options that makes it possible to start drawing from only one and have enough coming in to make up quite a bit of my current salary, our kids are independent, my husband's job is secure and he is very happy working.

My sister asked me "Are you working for the money or because you want to be working"? Good question.

I do know that I am very sad about this transition - I have coworkers who I really like but we all know what happens when you no longer work with folks - is your only connection work? - I really do enjoy working with these kids (of course, there are days when I want to tear my hair out) - this has been my community longer than the work years because my grown kids went to this elementary school.

I'd love your comments to this situation - I have several decisions to make - some very soon and some that I have to wait for the school district to initiate.

Tradd

3-10-13, 7:37pm

Frankly, a 15 mile drive is fairly short, compared with the commutes of many of my coworkers. My office moved to a new location about 18 months ago and I went from 7.5 miles/one way to 15 miles one way.

Do you and your DH have one car or two? How are your savings? If you quit, would you continue to save? You don't mention how old you are. What would you do if you quit? Would you build the side business into something more? Be more frugal with your extra time?

It sounds like your only major issue with this whole situation is the commute.

awakenedsoul

3-10-13, 8:07pm

I would listen to your body. You sound like you're in a really good situation to stay home, if that's what you want. I'm a big believer in following your heart. (Since I've retired early, I find I'm spending much less money. It does get a little lonely, though. My social life was very connected to my work.)

goldensmom

3-10-13, 9:25pm

Is the main issue the commute? My husband has driven 35 miles east for 20+ years and I drove 45 miles south for 17 years before I retired and I did it because we needed the money. When I retired our income was cut in half. The savings from my cost of employment (gas, car, clothes, food) did not come anywhere near making up for the income I lost but it was time I retired.

SteveinMN

3-10-13, 10:24pm

chrissie, I know you said you need to make some decisions fairly quickly, but I think one of your biggest challenges at the moment is separating your grief/mourning from everything else. You've been at that job for 21 years! It's a lot to leave behind -- the kids, your colleagues, the routine. Life will change a lot and change can be disconcerting at least. Sadness over this is perfectly understandable and I think you should consider the impact of your current feelings on deciding if it is time to close this chapter of your life and begin the next one. It's also possible you can keep in touch with some of your colleagues and that you could volunteer with kids in some other capacity.

AmeliaJane

3-11-13, 12:27am

Plus, remember you are not signing a life-long contract for whatever you choose. You could try the new school for a year, and if it doesn't suit you, make a decision then to leave the job. Or, conversely, you could choose to take a break and then look for something similar or brand-new (with all the usual caveats about today's tight job market). When I was in a similar situation some years ago, I gave myself a deadline based on when I would need to give notice on my apartment and decided NOT to decide until then. I researched many options, talked to a lot of people, and by the time the deadline I knew what my decision was, based both on my gut and the facts in hand. It was hard because people kept asking what I was doing (all meant well) but I just kept telling them my deadline was X date and I would know by then.

lhamo

3-11-13, 2:54am

I would at least try the new position. If it isn't a good fit in whatever way, you can always look for something else or even retire early if your finances allow.

lhamo

sweetana3

3-11-13, 5:55am

I left a job that I had for 25 years because the move was a great career move for husband. It was not the "right" time for me. 5 years later, I ended up going back to work.

It is such a personal decision. How do you feel getting up in the morning and facing work? Is your health fine and no stress created by working? Are there other things you have always wanted to do with the extra time? How is the balance of activities in your life? Is a significant portion of your social life arranged around work colleagues?

CaseyMiller

3-11-13, 9:18am

Going from a 1 mile to a 15 mile commute may seem like a big change but you would soon get used it. IMHO the commute should be a very small parts in your decision making here.

So nice that you have options. Well done.

chrisgermany

3-12-13, 4:26am

I would give the new location a try and make the most of the commute.

I wrote and proofread a big part of my thesis in a commuter train.
While driving I often listen to audio books, brush up my languages by audio trainings or just mentally prepare for the day.
The 30-40 min make me shift from home mode to work mode and back.

Merski

3-12-13, 6:51am

I agree with the others to try the new job and location for a set amount of time before you make up your mind. Change can be good for you and stir things up a little and actually revitalize you. I would not try to compare your old job to the new one during this trial period. Who knows? You might actually enjoy the change.>8)

chrissieq

3-14-13, 6:23pm

Thanks for your input - I talked to a friend who used to work at this school and lives near me and sketched out a somewhat slower route to work that would wind along the Mpls City Lakes - so that puts the commute worries to an end. Less busy and very pretty! Although I do love that morning and afternoon walk to both prepare myself for the day and wind down before I get home so I can leave work behind.

I am going to be 60 at the end of the summer and we had planned on retiring at 60 - but I was nervous about giving up the employer provided insurance and we decided to push the date back til our 62nd years. Our financial planner is running numbers and we meet on 4/1 to get the results.

In the meantime, my principal has not asked me about my decision will be although she has been pressuring a co-worker. I don't know if that means something or not - just trying to figure out what is best for me (and my husband, of course).

It sounds like it's likely that the school district will offer an incentive for people to retire this year (health care support) so it makes me feel like I should decide about retirement once the incentive becomes a reality - otherwise I feel like I commit to a full school year and see what the following year's incentive might (or might not) be.

Again thanks for your thoughtful remarks.

KayLR

3-14-13, 7:04pm

Are there any dreams or wishes you have which are unmet or that you've always set aside? If so, might be a good time to address whether it's time to fulfill those.

chrissieq

3-17-13, 9:07pm

JaneV2.0

3-18-13, 11:47am

I have to admit that I made a pro/con list last week (I love my list making!) re leaving v staying and I was tied in the end. But what stood out to me was what I would do if I was not at work - increasing volunteer hours beyond what I can do now, continuing to grow my vintage business/etsy site, cooking more creatively - everything that I love to do but feel that once I get home from work, I am just too tired to do!

And my DH brought up the whole idea of "you don't seem particularly pumped by work anymore". Hmmmm. . . . .

Proceed slowly and follow your instincts is pretty much my standard advice. I've never found lists to be helpful in making decisions because a solution can be perfectly logical--or logically perfect--and disastrous in terms of your actual life, but your gut won't steer you wrong.

chrissieq

4-3-13, 7:34pm

Here's an update. I had the "conversation" with my principal. It went like this: "In my office. Are you going to the other school, retire, or excess yourself. I need an answer now." Twenty seconds later (and I'm not exaggerating - a coworker was waiting to go in next), I told her I would go to the other school. She opened the door and out I went.

This gives me a guaranteed job for next year but also opens up the choices of other jobs when they are posted in June as well as wait and see if any incentives are offered later in the school year.

In the meantime, we saw our financial planner who gave us a somewhat guarded go ahead to and retire. I would need to cut our expenses by 10-15% but I think I can manage that.

So more decisions ahead but at least I have more information!

SteveinMN

4-4-13, 9:51am

Good luck, Chrissie! It sounds like this is the most flexible choice you could make.

catherine

4-4-13, 10:53am

Proceed slowly and follow your instincts is pretty much my standard advice. I've never found lists to be helpful in making decisions because a solution can be perfectly logical--or logically perfect--and disastrous in terms of your actual life, but your gut won't steer you wrong.

+1 I feel exactly the same way. Lists are way too rational. In fact, when I have to make a decision, I flip a coin... and not because I'm willing to do whatever comes up, but I listen very carefully to my internal feelings when I see it's heads vs. tails. Am I secretly glad? Am I secretly disappointed? Do I then really want to go "2 out of 3" or am I happy to stop there? That little exercise is a great way to test my gut.

That being said, sounds like you bought yourself some time to really consider what you want, so that's great. Good luck!

chrissieq

4-14-13, 7:19pm

fidgiegirl

4-14-13, 7:25pm

Went to a school district meeting yesterday re retirement. The most senior support staff person in the entire district was there - she will be a coworker of mine if I take the new assignment - and she basically told me how things were done, how I had better be ready to do things their way, trash talked the current and former principals and several teachers. Wow! Uncomfortable to say the least. . . still weighing my options - but so glad I have options!!

Doesn't sound like a very healthy adult environment. :( I personally believe the adult environment in a building is one of the most important building blocks for student learning. Proceed cautiously . . .

Zoebird

4-14-13, 8:05pm

I'm really glad that you have options, too.

Sounds like you did the right thing in taking the job in the principal's office, and then when you get to the new location, you can see how it goes.

SteveinMN

4-15-13, 8:54am

The most senior support staff person in the entire district was there - she will be a coworker of mine if I take the new assignment - and she basically told me how things were done, how I had better be ready to do things their way, trash talked the current and former principals and several teachers.
Maybe it's just me being unusually cynical this morning, but my first thought was that the trash-talker was either 1) not happy someone new was coming on board; or 2) a little ready for something different herself. Hmm. Time for more coffee, I think....

razz

4-15-13, 9:08am

Maybe it's just me being unusually cynical this morning, but my first thought was that the trash-talker was either 1) not happy someone new was coming on board; or 2) a little ready for something different herself. Hmm. Time for more coffee, I think....

I agree, Steve. One grump does not factual truth make.

chrissieq

4-30-13, 10:02pm

Quick update - decided against the new position for any number of reasons but the primary one being burn out - I have had a deal with a co-worker that one of us could say to the other "It's time" - as in no judgement but you need to go. And I gave myself the "It's time" talk the other day. I feel that when you work with kids - especially special needs kids - please don't take your frustration out on them.

I have less than 25 school days to go - woohoo!!! - there are other jobs in my district that I qualify/can apply for but am fortunate that I have the choice to retire/walk away from it, if that is what I choose to dol:)

JaneV2.0

4-30-13, 10:18pm

Dancing an arthritic happy dance for you (think jazz hands and a limp). Retirement is a beautiful thing...

fidgiegirl

4-30-13, 10:20pm

Awesome to have choices!!

SteveinMN

5-1-13, 9:53am

Good for you, chrissieq -- always better to recognize burnout before it has too great an effect on you or those around you. Happy <24 days!

chrissieq

5-11-13, 6:47pm

Here's the final update! After much soul searching, DH and I agreed on Tuesday evening that I would officially retire at the end of this school year.

On Wednesday, we were assisting with a dinner at church and the women who cater the Wednesday Night dinner offered me work with them in the small cafe/catering business they run. It is flexible - based on both our needs - and just right for all of us. I am so excited!!

Jilly

5-11-13, 7:03pm

Amazing.

lhamo

5-11-13, 7:12pm

Congratulations on being in a position to make this choice and actually having the courage to make it! Good luck with the next stage of things. Sounds like it will be a good one.

PS: If you are still interested in engaging with the kids you used to work with, maybe you can let the families know you are available for part time care, extra support, etc. I can imagine lots of them may need backup care or just a break from time to time, and you would be a great person to provide it.

Zoebird

5-11-13, 7:38pm

that's awesme and i love lhamo's idea.

i'm going to talk to the kindy about asking if their student-teacher (whom DS loves) could be care for DS. DH and I have a 10-hr, 2-day workshop on the 25/26, and we need some care. It's been hard to find people.

SteveinMN

5-11-13, 9:46pm

Congratulations, chrissie!

fidgiegirl

5-11-13, 10:38pm

I think it is really interesting how when you were willing to close one door, another unexpected one opened. Congratulations!!

chrissieq

5-23-13, 9:48pm

I can't believe this has been dragging on - but I notified my principal via the district's termination form that I would be retiring and she refused to sign it. She wanted time to figure out how to keep me. Really I was ready to go but felt I had to let it play out. One week later she had no options but to sign my forms and made the contacts to offer my now refused job to another staff person who is still weighing whether or not to take it.

Did turn down the school's offer of a retirement party - just want to slip away into my new life. There will be a year end celebration where my retirement will be announced and I can make a few comments (I have to figure out - if there is a gift - how to ask for a debit card!!) but those of us who have worked in special ed will do our own little get-together for a final farewell!!

Again thanks for your good wishes and I can't wait to have time to be a larger part of this community!!