View Full Version : A bit of an etiquette situation
What's your take on this?
SO and I have a milestone anniversary coming up. My mom offered to pay for a big party for us. SO and I talked about it, and for a number of reasons, we just don't like the idea of a big party. One reason is, we're not "look at me" people. Another reason is, we don't really have any money right now, and it just seems wrong, in some way, for her to throw a big party when we really could use money for other things. Like, a new refrigerator. A major-but-not-necessary car repair that I'm postponing because it isn't urgent. A trip I would very much like to take with friends but I cannot pay for myself.
So here's the etiquette question: Is there any way to let her know we'd rather have some money? Or is that just plain tacky? How do I graciously decline her offer?
Thanks!
It's not really appropriate in my world, unless she invites you, to suggest other ways to spend her money. So, yes, it's tacky. I'd suggest you thank her, and propose an alternate plan, which is a nice dinner out with family as her gift, if this fits your quiet natures, then simply enjoy it.
treehugger
3-11-13, 2:53pm
I encounter this regularly with my mother. She frequently offers to gift me money specifically for things she wants me to have (e.g., dishes, a new stove-top, money towards travel). I either do not want (dishes) or cannot afford the additional costs of (installing stove top, travel) her gifts, so I decline. I think I decline graciously (:)), but only you will know the best way to do that with your mother.
In my opinion, it's not OK to say, "No thanks for X; I'd rather you buy me Y." But, it's certainly fine to bring up other plans you have that you are saving up for in another conversation. Again, that depends on the relationship you have with your mother, whether or not you discuss money specifics like, "We are saving up for a new refrigerator but it will take us awhile to get there. Do you have any brand recommendations? If we could narrow it down to a specific model, that would help us set our savings goal."
Kara
Miss Cellane
3-11-13, 2:56pm
You were offered a party. The only thing you can do is either accept the party, or reject the party. You really can't ask if you could get the cash that would have been spent on the party.
You can also suggest a lower key, less costly, celebration, as redfox says. Dinner out at a nice restaurant with the two of you and your mother is reasonable. You can ask for this. But your mother doesn't have to agree to it.
Thank you!
I just wanted to be sure I was on the right track. I didn't feel right about suggesting alternatives to her, so I will just politely decline and see what she says from there.
Gardenarian
3-11-13, 3:09pm
Well, seeing as it's your mother... I would say that I was kind of strapped for cash and a big party just didn't feel right...and hope she gets the hint.
goldensmom
3-11-13, 3:15pm
Thank you!
I just wanted to be sure I was on the right track. I didn't feel right about suggesting alternatives to her, so I will just politely decline and see what she says from there.
That would be the most gracious thing to do.
Additionally, this made me think. We should treat even our family, especially our family with the grace and gratitude sometimes reserved for those who don't know us well.
I'd tell her just what you told us, plus or minus the "we could really use the money it would cost" part, depending on your relationship. I'm guessing your mom enjoys parties...
Well, I did it. And I got absolutely no response at all. It was in an email where I also mentioned upcoming dental work. She totally ignored what I said about feeling that the party might be a bit "inappropriate" and just wished me luck w/my dental work.
I don't know what to think. Have I offended her?
Quite honestly, I'm too old for all this indirect communication stuff she does.
Oh well...
Well, seeing as it's your mother... I would say that I was kind of strapped for cash and a big party just didn't feel right...and hope she gets the hint.
Well, I did it. And I got absolutely no response at all. It was in an email where I also mentioned upcoming dental work. She totally ignored what I said about feeling that the party might be a bit "inappropriate" and just wished me luck w/my dental work.
I don't know what to think. Have I offended her?
Quite honestly, I'm too old for all this indirect communication stuff she does.
Oh well...
You don't have to buy into the "shuck and jive" form of communication. Just tell her you (the collective you) don't want a party. There's nothing wrong with the truth.
You don't have to buy into the "shuck and jive" form of communication. Just tell her you (the collective you) don't want a party. There's nothing wrong with the truth.
Agreed. I'd simply say "Thanks for offering to recognize our significant anniversary! A party is not an option for us. I'd love to have a nice meal with you, however. (If this is true.) How does that sound to you?"
There is no polite way to suggest to someone else a way for them to spend their money on you, unless you are asking for a loan that WILL be paid back.
Your mom probably in her own mind had already planned the whole party and may be feeling depressed or even upset that her dream party for you was turned down. Perhaps sometime you could acknowledge this sad feeling.
"Inappropriate", unless a great explanation was given, is kind of a cold business like word to use. How was her offer inappropriate for her? She was freely wanting to give you something. You did not want it but it was not an inappropriate offer.
Definition: Unsuitable or improper.
What I said to my mother was that having a big party felt inappropriate, given our current financial situation. I did not tell her that her offer was inappropriate.
What I said to my mother was that having a big party felt inappropriate, given our current financial situation. I did not tell her that her offer was inappropriate.
You see, I don't see that situation as being "inappropriate" regardless of how it "feels" to you. Someone throws you a party, that could be a lovely thing in the midst of financial troubles, uncertainty, and life problems. One could think: I'm having trouble in my life but here is a gathering of friends and family that will take me out of this situation temporarily, allowing people to surround me with love and support and that is a that is a GREAT thing; It will make me feel appreciated and loved.
You have chosen to look at it differently. So be it, I'm not saying that you are wrong (and personally, I would find it weird for my mother to put on a big party celebrating the anniversary of DH and me.) But I believe that your mom's offer is completely appropriate. It may not be what you want, it may not make you happy, it may not be what speaks to you deeply in your soul and THAT IS OK!!!!! REALLY! Just say, no thanks, I don't
* want to be in the center of attention in a crowd
*want that high level of merriment given my current depressed situation
* want that celebration of my relationship with DH right now
*want a big giant noisy party (eyeroll)
...can we find a compromise? and thanks for your thoughtful, lovely offer
[rant on]I think the phrase "it feels..." to be silly psychobabble. I think you need a better shrink to help you communicate with the real world. [/rant off.]
It's impossible for us here to read what is going on with you and your mother. But on the face of it her offer is completely "appropriate" regardless of how it feels to you.
My mother and I were often at cross purposes in our communication, but I wouldn't have had any trouble pointing out that I wasn't really a party animal, didn't want to be the center of attention (as per IrisLily's list), and would be happy to be taken out to dinner or something that worked for both of us.
Wildflower
3-14-13, 11:45pm
I think being that she is your Mother, that she would know that you wouldn't want to be the center of attention at a big party. I know my own dear deceased Mother, while we did not necessarily have a good relationship due to her alcoholism, she absolutely knew who I was - that I was an introvert, and I am surprised that your Mother doesn't "know" this about you.
Her offer seems passive aggressive to me. People that love you and know you, should want to give you a gift that is good for you....
Quote: "we really could use money for other things. Like, a new refrigerator. A major-but-not-necessary car repair that I'm postponing because it isn't urgent. A trip I would very much like to take with friends but I cannot pay for myself"
My husband said he noticed that your mom is not a part of any of these things you want to spend her money on.
I have to agree with redfox on this one.
OP, sorry, I was overly harsh. I have a personal problem when people use what I consider to be psychobabble. That is my hang up, sorry!
I support you in not wanting a party because there are so many weird things that happen when one is the honoree at a party, not always good!
I agreed with you, IL. I mean, it is appropriate for her mom to hold a party. Simply, the OP isn't comfortable with it and/or doesn't want one. I think that saying what you mean and meaning what you say is important.
Sometimes, it comes across too blunt, though. :) And I'm usually apologizing for that, too. LOL
Here is an update on this situation:
I told my mom that we would be more comfortable going out to dinner. She had suggested a family dinner. She suggested a couple of family members we might include, and then said "and anyone else you might want to invite."
So then I suggested my dad's brother (he is over 80 and not in the best of health and we never see him, so I figured...) and his wife, my uncle's widow (we are not close but she drove one of the wedding cars) and my bridesmaid and her husband.
She emails me and says, "Do you want to rethink your guest list? I am getting mixed messages from you."
What mixed messages? That six more people makes a big party (there would only be 11 of us w/o the above people)?? I got really upset and my husband and I decided that in the wake of my uncle's recent health problems, the fact that my mom dislikes her bro-in-law, my brother is getting a divorce etc., that we don't even want a "family dinner." There are just too many strings attached.
She supposedly wants to host a celebration...it seems more like she wants to dictate all the terms. Whose anniversary is it, anyway?!
I don't know who it was on here in another thread who suggested my family is somewhat toxic, but I had never thought about it. NOw I'm wondering if that poster was right. My mother is really getting to be a PITA.
treehugger
3-21-13, 3:58pm
She supposedly wants to host a celebration...it seems more like she wants to dictate all the terms. Whose anniversary is it, anyway?!
I have no comments about the toxicity level of your family, because I think only those in it can answer that. But for the above question? Yes, if she is hosting she gets to dictate the terms. Period. I don't mean you aren't allowed to have your own opinions, but I think your mom has adequately demonstrated that she prefers to be in charge and you should either let her or decline completely. At this point, those are your only two options.
I'm not unsympathetic, because my mom is a controlling micromanager. I deal with this by choosing what I will go along with, and then doing so without inserting my own opinions, and also by limiting her exposure to my life. I don't share anything with her any more, good or bad. We are superficial "friends," which kinda sucks, but it's better than either her or me getting our feelings hurt all the time. I cannot change her, but I can change me.
Kara
I agree with tree hugger. Let her determine all of the terms of this family dinner/celebration/party/gathering/whatever.
Just write back and say "Whatever you think is best is fine by us. We are looking forward to it." And then let it go from there.
You won't know what "mixed messages" means until you ask her. If there's any way you can drop your annoyance & simply inquire, you could then work from information instead of assumption. Good luck!
jennipurrr
3-22-13, 12:55pm
I agree with tree hugger. Let her determine all of the terms of this family dinner/celebration/party/gathering/whatever.
Just write back and say "Whatever you think is best is fine by us. We are looking forward to it." And then let it go from there.
I agree with the above, but I wonder if this communication would be better spoken than through email. It seems like possibly both you and her intent is getting lost in the translation of the written word.
I can understand her confusion...16 people (is that correct?) is definitely transitioning from intimate dinner to larger gathering. At that point you have to start really thinking about table accomodations and doing some planning.
My SO and I decided we don't want any kind of party whatsoever.
There's just too much in the family dynamics and if we're feeling stressed out about it already, we think it is a bad sign.
We're just going to tell her thank you for your kind offer, but we'd rather not. If she wants to go out with just the two/three of us, that's fine. Otherwise, I don't like the direction in which this is all going.
Thanks for your input/listening!
Please call her before she calls all the relatives.
Update: There's a lot of stuff going on in our family right now. Some of it is social (various events w/nieces/nephews) and some of it is health-related (my partner has not been feeling well. We are waiting for test results of a serious nature, and we are not feeling in a party mood). I did try to tell my mom in a nice way that since there was all this stuff going on (I did NOT tell her about the health thing as I do not want her to worry), it would be hard to pick a date, etc., and that perhaps it would be best to just go out to eat with her.
Then she said "why don't we have the dinner in June?"
I guess I am going to have to be blunt and say "We just don't want a party." We don't want one for the above reasons, but also because I don't really want to see my brother, people are not getting along in the family, etc.
How can I be blunt without being rude? I already said "it might be best for us to celebrate quietly."
I'm sorry to keep going on about this...I realize I don't have much of a spine when it comes to my family members.
You say: I am sorry mom, but I do not want any kind of party. Just a nice dinner with you is all I want or need or would enjoy.
PERIOD.
http://i361.photobucket.com/albums/oo52/LunarMuna/emoticons/irony/signs-yeahthat.gif (http://s361.photobucket.com/user/LunarMuna/media/emoticons/irony/signs-yeahthat.gif.html)
Your mother thought she was doing a nice thing by suggesting a party, you told her no it would be inappropriate but were secretly hoping she would send you on a trip with a girlfriend or by you a new fridge or pay for dental work. Now your mom'is being pissy about the dinner out and because of that you are now canceling it because you are being pissy as well! You and your mother are trying to control everything but are just blaming the other. Love it!
let it all go, celebrate your anniversary the way you and your SO want and enjoy with no strings attached! Just curious how many years? I'm thinking a big party would've come till your 25th. By the way my parents NEVER gave us gifts or parties for our anniversaries nor do we do that for our grown children.
It's 25 years. And aside from getting a card once in a while, no one in my family has ever really celebrated our anniversary.
Quite honestly, at this point in my life, I don't think I have much to celebrate. Things have been pretty bad the last several years, with job losses, major health issues that remain unresolved, big financial losses, unemployment/underemployment...Forgive me if I don't feel like bringing out the paper hats and horns.
dado potato
4-22-13, 7:16pm
Generosity is a strange and wondrous thing.
In my world, declining generosity would be difficult, and would require the greatest tact. Hypothetically, if there were someone offering a party or entertainment to me, I would do my best to enable it -- and make it the best ever. And I would express my gratitude.
Bottom line is still that you get to do what is best for you and your husband.
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