Ways of de-escalating anger with your SO [Archive]

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larknm

3-12-13, 12:24pm

I want to hear what others have come up with to handle anger before it gets bad, but without denying it.

DH's and my newest way is one of us thinks the other is mad at us or knows s/he's done something that would irritate the other. Let's say I said this corner coming up is the one we turn at, and he's driving and he already knew that and I can tell that either by the look on his face or because he says so. I sing, in an operatic Barbra Streisand style (taken from the song, "He Touched Me"), He hates me. I told him to turn when he already knew and now he hates me! He replies to the same tune, I hate her, she told me to turn and now I hate her! We don't do this every time, but it always seems funny to us and that takes over what could escalate into real anger, especially if other mistakes happen around the same time. It changes the emotional climate and we are friends again.

I know some people don't have an SO, so I should have said or close friend.

Mrs-M

3-12-13, 12:29pm

I try and make light of DH's mood by either mocking him, i.e., scrunching up my nose and squinting my eyes (like he does), or I'll act all gruff like he does. If that fails, I'll smile at him, maybe grab and hold his hand, or caress/rub the back of his neck/back, and that always brings him to.

Do want to make it clear, that I don't always do the above, because there are times when seriousness is required... just when I feel he may be taking things over-the-top. Understanding, one-on-one talks are always helpful, too.

One thing I should mention, DH, is really mellow. Very rarely does he fly off the handle. It has to be something really bad or serious to trigger him.

treehugger

3-12-13, 12:51pm

First of all, of the two of us, I have the worse temper, by far, but I control it pretty well (I know when to walk away and be alone; I learned this from my dad who never controlled his temper at all). But my DH has become more impatient the last year or so (clearly stress related). He used to be the most patient person I knew; I have always relied on him to be the patient one, since I am not, so we are rewriting our roles.

Anyway, my DH and I have a really silly thing that we do whenever either of us realizes that we are arguing about something stupid just because we are tired or grumpy or whatever. It never fails to make us laugh which then resets the mood back to normal. It started many years ago when we were arguing about something late at night. I asked him a question (why did you do X?!?) and he spontaneously answered, "Because you're dumb!" That stopped us both in our tracks and we laughed until we cried. So, now, that's all we need to say, "Because you're dumb!" and the silly disagreement dissolves into giggles.

Now, obviously this wouldn't work for everyone. But I was honestly not offended (probably because he never says mean things to me, even when he is angry; there's a lot of trust between us), so now it's just a funny and effective tool.

Also, of course, this tool isn't for situations of genuine disagreement that needs lots of discussion to get resolved. But since we don't really fight or argue about serious things that much, but we both do have our moody, disagreeable moments, this works for us very well.

Kara

Float On

3-12-13, 1:56pm

I either say "Gosh, I know....everyone is out to get you." and then that breaks his anger and we laugh and can deal with whatever he is ticked off about or I say..."I have always been hated by skeletons." A favorite line from the campy movie spoofing all B-movies "The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra".

Mighty Frugal

3-12-13, 3:26pm

I just ignore my dh when he is in a state. But when it is me that is angry dh often uses humour which always wins me over.

A few days ago I was nagging him over something (can't remember) and I said 'And I won't stand for it' and dh, all deadpan, replied 'then sit'

I burst into laughter:)

catherine

3-12-13, 3:44pm

DH is a blow-upper and then forgets it in five minutes. I used to be the slow, slow steamer/reactor. I'd respond to his anger by steeping and stewing silently for ages.

These days I'm much less reactive, thank God. If he blows, I know it's just a quick summer thunderstorm and I seek cover until the sun comes out.

awakenedsoul

3-12-13, 5:27pm

I like your song. That's great that it breaks up the tension so quickly. Mighty Frugal's husband's comeback, "Then sit." really made me laugh. I'm not very good at dealing with anger in relationships. The one man I lived with was a verbally abusive alcoholic, so I guess I dealt with it by leaving. Most of the time I don't react to other people's anger. I breathe and observe. If I get angry, I'll say I'm sorry. (Unless it was justified.)

JaneV2.0

3-12-13, 5:45pm

"Oh shut up, you grumpy old fart!" would be my response of choice. I don't think I'd want to stay with someone I had to "de-escalate," frankly.

LilyB

3-12-13, 7:31pm

catherine

3-12-13, 7:39pm

Once when we were first married, I was so angry at DH that I decided to give him the silent treatment all the way from the city to his grandparents' farm. He never noticed! When I explained to him what had occurred, he was mystified and said that he figured I was just enjoying the scenery. So now whenever I want to break the tension between us, I threaten to give him the the silent treatment. It cracks him up. (Besides he knows I can't be quiet for long anyway.:|()

That's funny! It reminds me of the time DH and I were mutually really mad at each other (can't even remember why now), just at the time we were getting in the car to drive 300 miles to Burlington, VT from NJ. We did not speak the entire way--never stopped for a meal, gas, nothing. Never said a word.

But we had decided to take the Lake Champlain ferry from the New York side for the first time, and when we got on the boat, we were so delighted with the view and being on the lake, and it was such a cool experience, we just couldn't keep it to ourselves! It was far too painful to not be able to share the experience. So not sure who broke the ice, but by the time we got to VT, we were talking and happy.

JaneV2.0

3-12-13, 7:55pm

Hahaha. I just remembered we drove from Chula Vista to Beaverton years ago silently fighting over radio stations, exchanging maybe two sentences--probably why I hate to travel: so many crappy vacations.

iris lily

3-12-13, 8:23pm

"Then sit down" is funny, it's the kind of thing DH would say. He's a calm guy, I think it was 8 years we were married before he had a big giant tantrum. It was about potatoes. The tantrum was in the grocery store. He has some very strong feeling about vegetables (he's got an advanced degree in vegetable production.)

haha

I'm the one who rants and raves. And swears. That's my mom's side of the family coming out. My dad was very calm. I basically married my father.

JaneV2.0

3-12-13, 8:50pm

I take strongly after my father, so it only makes sense I would end up with someone much like my mother, I guess. Temple Grandin would call them "social yak yaks."

jp1

3-12-13, 9:53pm

SO and I rarely get angry with anything the other has done. If one of us snaps at the other it's usually because we've had a bad day or are pissed off at someone else or whatever. As such it's rare that we need to de-escalate, but one thing I have done is learned to read his mood after work. I usually get home first. When he gets home I'm upstairs in the den. The first thing he always does is greet the cats. I can tell what kind of day he's had based on that. "HI BOYS! DADDY'S HOME!!! HOW ARE YOU TODAY???" indicates a good day. "Hello boys." indicates a mediocre day. No greeting at all for the cats means day from hell. I base my initial interaction with him for the evening depending on how he dealt with the cats.

BayouGirl

3-12-13, 11:19pm

I usually laugh because I am not a fighter. I will go hug him and make him laugh. I always tell him "if you want to fight, you are about one person short of that, cuz I am not fighting. I will offer him a foot rub to "decrank" him. I will say " You know you are right, I know I am right , so lets just agree that we both think we are right. Oh and even if i am annoyrf with him, I still give him a goodnight kiss, tell him I love him and snuggle up to him. And i always do something goofy to make him laugh!

Dhiana

3-13-13, 7:16am

We blame the cat. Our really sweet, long dead cat :)