Attending funerals?

[Rogar]

When I attend a funeral, I tend to be bummed for a couple of days afterwards, even if I barely knew the deceased. I certainly go if the person is family or a decent friend. But have had a few instances where I was an acquainted with the person, but not close, and with a few friends who I know will attending. I feel a little guilty about not going, but just don't like getting down for a bit, but not like deep depression or anything. In addition, I'm a little introverted and the crowd and reception can be overwhelming.

Anyone else go through these decisions and have similar reactions? I try to do the right thing. Sometimes someone will come up to me and say, where were you at so-and-so's services and I make up excuses.

My father was actually a funeral director and you would think it would not be an issue. When I was in my late teens I helped him for a short time and just did not do well with it. Maybe I got over sensitized or something?

[razz]

Funerals can be depressing depending on your philosophy of life. I prefer to see a gathering of individuals as a celebration of life. I am grateful to celebrate the contribution of those who have passed away whether small children who have given joy or the elders who have lived a long life.
The difficulty occurs when someone has been a negative part of the life process for others but those situations are rare.
Looking forward to others' contiributions

[awakenedsoul]

I know what you mean. All of that grief and trauma. If you're highly sensitive, it's very draining. I'm the same way. In fact, my parents have arranged not to have a funeral service for themselves! My brother just passed away, and all they had was a burial, with the family. I didn't go. The family situation is so intense, alcoholic, and dysfunctional. I offered, but they said no, it would be too stressful since I can't really leave my dogs. I was going to go anyway, then I just let it go. I think you should honor your feelings. You can have your own memorial at home. That's what I did. Grief is a very personal thing. Your friends shouldn't be guilt tripping you.

[Mrs-M]

Funerals are sobering, that's a fact, so DH and I, reserve our attendance (strictly) for loved ones/close ones. Remembering and paying ones respects of those who have passed, is a good thing... but sometimes remembering and paying ones respects of those who have passed, is better done from a distance (no regrets).

I'm not good with being in the company of other peoples sorrow, and I find that when I allow myself time to grieve at home, in private, and at my own pace, I can better accept the persons loss, remembering them for the way they used to be, rather than in a resting state.

We have made exceptions in the past, and more than likely will make exceptions in the future Re: attending funerals, however, we're never hard on ourselves for not attending select services, and you shouldn't be hard on yourself for choosing not to attend either, Rogar.

[Miss Cellane]

I don't think most people like going to funerals. So feeling sad or even just a little unsettled for a few days is normal.

Much though I don't like attending funerals, it was taught to me early on that you don't go to funerals for the dead, you go to them for the living. To offer support to those who remain, who have lost their loved one. I know I have been touched when friends showed up at the wakes or funerals of my family members who have died.

And it's funny what people remember. I have a dear uncle by marriage. When his brother died a few years ago, I went to the wake (couldn't make the funeral as it was during work hours and didn't qualify as a family member). The widow and children were in the receiving line, but my uncle was sort of holding court on a small sofa in the back of the room. I sat with him for an hour, and he introduced me to all his friends as they came up. I ran into one of the friends recently and she told me that my uncle still talks about how I showed up at his brother's wake. It certainly wasn't a wake or funeral that I had to go to, but going made my uncle happy, and that counts for something.

The saddest funeral I attended was for a work colleague. I really didn't want to go, but was sort of pressured into it by a co-worker. There were 7 of us from work, and the deceased's mother. She was so grateful that someone showed up--none of her friends bothered to come.

If there is a wake or visitation, you can always go to that and skip the funeral.

Or you can do what I do when I just can't face the service. I volunteer to stay at the house of a family member during the funeral. In my general area, thieves sometimes scout the obituaries and rob houses when they know the families will be at the funeral. So a good friend will stay at the house to keep it occupied and prevent theft. That gives me a good excuse for missing the funeral, yet I'm still showing support to the family.

[goldensmom]

I don’t like funerals, don’t know anyone who does. My experience with funerals began when I was 10 when my first sibling died, then another, then my grandparents, then my parents with aunts and uncles and friends interspersed. I feel uncomfortable and would rather skip the whole thing. Then I remember that as a surviving family member, I appreciated seeing my friends coming to the funeral in support of me so I buck up and go for my friends or associates. I don’t have any residual feelings probably because my mission is to support the living not dwell on the deceased.

[iris lily]

No one likes attending funerals. But that said, I'm not a highly sensitive person (surprise!) so it doesn't bother me all that much. I find them to be duty calls, fairly boring, done because it is expected.

Any more I have a ritual: I study the flower arrangements and award mental prizes to the best ones. To myself, I name all of the flowers in them. I run threw the names of foliage in them as well (but that's more of a challenge.) I say something to the chief mourner. If it is appropriate, I tell my amusing personal funeral story (about my dad's funeral) to someone, usually not the chief mourner.

That uses up 30 minutes and I am done, duty over.

[Simplemind]

I used to have an aversion to anything death related due to a childhood incident. I never would have resolved it if it hadn't been for DS becoming close to elderly neighbors and them passing when he was young an curious about what happened at services. I didn't want him to have my hangups so I took him to the first one where something remarkable happened with him. When the second passing occured he wanted to view the body previous to the ceremony and I agreed because they had been exceptionally close. Again I pushed myself to do something I was phobic about. Something transformational happened while we were in that room due to their relationship. It stripped me of every negative feeling from that moment forward.
I would not have been able to handle my own mother's passing last year had that incident not occured.
Within a month of my mom's passing I signed up for a volunteer organization referred to as TIP (Trauma Intervention Program). We are often called out to the scene of a death where family/friends/etc were totally unprepared. The training was intensive and fascinating. One of the things we are taught is to prevent secondary injury which occurs in the way people interact with the survivors after a trauma.
Yes funerals are depressing, yes it is awkward to know what to say and how to act. Bottom line it isn't about you it is about them. You might think that your presence isn't that important. Believe me, it will never be forgotten. Take the time to write a line or two about the person on a card. Believe me, it will never be forgotten. Little kindnesses become huge. If you can't make the funeral, check in later after everybody else has gone on with their lives. The survivors usually do want to hear the name of their loved ones mentioned and appreciate the chance to talk about them.

[Zoebird]

I have to say that I'm similar to Iris Lily. I mostly go out of a sense of larger social duty. I feel that it's important for other people attending to know that I'm there -- as Simplemind asserts.

I find that even if I'm not clear on what to do or say, I simply do my best to be present with people. I was really thankful that my MIL went to DH's friend-from-childhood's funeral. She didn't really know anyone there other than his father and a few of the other friends (DH's friends). She was, largely, ignored, but one of the friends connected and she said that she came on DH's behalf because we were here.

And what was cool is that not only did DH's blog post get around (nearly a year later his wife read it and shared some pictures of Friend and his boys dressed in their boy scout uniforms), but that everyone said that they "really knew that DH was there for them" because his *mother* went and said so to one of the friends.

And that made DH feel good, too, because he would have been there -- if we'd been in PA.

So, that's what we try to do. I may not care for funerals -- but I do care for people, and sometimes you go through those rituals just to show them that.

[awakenedsoul]

Reading these responses I realized that some of the funerals I've attended were a positive experience. I like the idea of sending a card. My mom told me that the phone has been ringing constantly, and she just can't handle talking to people, I sent them a couple of cards.
I went to my ballet teacher's memorial, but when I attended the performance, that's what really felt like a true honoring of her spirit. I think it depends on the situation and the individual. I can see how it would be sad if very few people showed up, though.

[Rogar]

I actually appreciate the responses! In my work days I sort of had a people person type job with a big company and got to know quite a few people. Now some of the older folks are passing and lately it's been about a couple a month that I've known some. Which is why I was wondering. I may still pick and choose, but probably need to buck up and attend more.

I have sent cards for out of town services, and have actually gotten some feedback that it was appreciated. I think with all the social media and email that cards may be a little infrequent, so maybe a little special.

Like I mentioned, Dad was a funeral director. He was a big believer in traditional funeral services so people could come to grips with their loss and go through a grieving process. I suppose there are alternatives, but also have some personal stories of people who have by-passed some sort of significant ceremony and had some difficulties later that could be related.

[razz]

What I should add is that when my DH passed on, I was amazed at how important the written cards were to me. The thoughts that were shared and the number of people who took the time and effort to send the cards will always be special to me. Some of the people that one would think would send a card did not but so many others who surprised me with cards and little memories are real treasures. If not comfortable with the actual funeral, cards do help a lot and can be looked at several times again over time.

I learned an important lesson based on experience. Cards mean a lot, so do the flowers. I also learned that I didn't want a lot of talking which triggered tears. A quiet expression of "I am sorry to hear of your DH's passing" was ample for me. A simple hug or the touch of a hand on the shoulder or for good friends a gentle back rub was perfect.

As others have said, it is about being there for the family going through the experience. I attend visitations as my gift of support to the family and very rarely go to the actual funeral.

[goldensmom]

Here’s a funeral visitation experience probably shared by others. At the visitation for my great uncle, who died at 95, there were a group of cousins who had not seen each other for 40 or so years due mostly to distance. We sat in the back, in a circle reminiscing and laughing. No sadness, nothing depressing just remembering our uncle and the times we all had spent together. It was a good thing.

[awakenedsoul]

Reading these responses I realized that some of the funerals I've attended were a positive experience. I like the idea of sending a card. My mom told me that the phone has been ringing constantly, and she just can't handle talking to people. I sent them a couple of cards.
I went to my ballet teacher's memorial, but when I attended the performance, that's what really felt like a true honoring of her spirit. I think it depends on the situation and the individual. I can see how it would be sad if very few people showed up, though.
I was just trying to correct a typo in my post and I messed up.

[Float On]

I think my parents average two visitations and one funeral a week...at least it seems that way. Everytime I call I hear what visitations and funerals they've been at. A friend who moved to FL describes it as "God's waiting room". Their 55+ community has the ambulance weekly (if not daily) and he says "if we're not at the beach we're at a funeral". That can be depressing.

I like the shift there has been over recent years to more memorials and celebrations has been a very good thing. The last traditional service I attended was 4 years ago for a friend who happened to be a funeral director (tragic accident involving his tractor) every service I've been to since then has been filled with laughter, good memories, and tears of joys not sorrow.

I too follow up a few weeks or month later with a card and a memory.

A cool story, a cousin's husband passed away this last fall. She had been distant from the family for years and not come home for any visits or reunions, none of us are sure what she was upset about. Anyway, when her husband passed and she had the funeral where they live (MT) she didn't tell anyone in the family. Someone got wind of it and the family flooded her with cards and letters, probably over 200. It healed the hurts. I know I rec'd the most beautiful letter back from her and look forward to seeing her and the kids at the next reunion.

[Fawn]

There is a very real phenomenon called compassion fatigue that is known amoung bereavement specialists. A person's ability to feel compassion just gets exhausted by too many losses in a short time.

I know that the families of our hospice patients appreciate it when the hospice staff attend the services, but that can be overwhelming for us. Our hospice averages 2-3 deaths per day. I go to services for someone I have taking care of for a long time, for example, I have a current patient that I have cared for for 3 years. I will go to his funeral.

20 or so years ago, I had a patient dying of HIV who had lost 40+ members of his social circle in the previous year to HIV. He refused to have any service at all. Maybe he was afraid that there was no one left to attend, but what he told me was, "My friends are exhausted by all the grieving. I can't ask them to go to one more funeral."