Building Confidence

[MamaM]

What are some good ways to build my confidence back up? After my last experience at work, my confidence is shot. I have been studying in my career field, looking at some different options and trying to work on my weaker areas. I think my interpersonal skills/confidence has gone down the golden toilet. I am so unnerved by how I was treated, trust is a huge factor. I think if I could build up my confidence, it would help. Suggestions? Thanks.

[Tussiemussies]

What are some good ways to build my confidence back up? After my last experience at work, my confidence is shot. I have been studying in my career field, looking at some different options and trying to work on my weaker areas. I think my interpersonal skills/confidence has gone down the golden toilet. I am so unnerved by how I was treated, trust is a huge factor. I think if I could build up my confidence, it would help. Suggestions? Thanks.

Maybe after your horrible experience it would help to see a really good therapist on this. Think they could help a lot. They crushed your self-esteem by getting you to see yourself their way. You have to take back now how you see yourself. One thing you can do is really know and believe -- it was them not me. Good luck, hope you feel how gret you are soon...

[lhamo]

((((((((((((((Mama M))))))))))))))

I was in your exact same position about 6 years ago, so I really sympathize. For me I thought the exit strategy I planned would help, but it actually made it worse. I jumped from my HSSJ right into an intense academic program and also had a family relocation/house search/school search on top of it -- I took one of those stress points tests where they ask how many major life changes/challenges you are going through and I don't think I've ever had as high a score as at that point in time! I probably should have gone for therapy, but I didn't. What finally turned it around for me was landing a great job. My boss is a total mensch and totally was ok with the fact that I cried during my interview! that's what a mess I was, but I told him the backstory and had TONS of great references from people other than my former boss (who had totally stabbed me in the back) and thankfully he was willing to take a chance on me. I IMMEDIATELY excelled at my new position, so much so that boss turned everything completely over to me without worries within a few weeks. His confidence and the support of my new coworkers helped pull me out of my depression and I've been pretty balanced ever since.

Tussiemussies is right: IT WAS THEM, NOT YOU! Sorry to shout, but you need to hear that loud and clear. You will thrive and grow in the right environment. That alligator's nest of dysfunction was not it.

I did some career coaching type stuff in the middle of my transition period that was really helpful. the book Do What You Are was a particularly useful tool for me -- uses the Myers-Briggs inventory as a basis for suggesting what types of work you might be better for. That and taking the MBTI again and realizing much to my surprise that I was shifting from an almost off the charts INTJ to an INFJ was one of the things that made me take my current job -- I actually do a lot of stuff that is similar to counselling/coaching, and that is jibing nicely with this move toward being more "F"ish.

Take good care of yourself while you are figuring this out. Don't be surprised if you have some PTSD-ish reactions to things for a awhile. It takes time to get over the hurt/damage that having the rug pulled out from under you inflicts. I'm still not quite there, but MUCH better than a few years ago.

lhamo

[ApatheticNoMore]

Well I don't think I've ever been in anything entirely analagous to your situation, but I was once in an especially abusive workplace. I was not in management or anything, I was just a worker bee, and the mangement structure that existed such as it was (haha that was a mess too there, wouldn't you know, complete chaos) was abusive, plain old verbal abuse and demeaning of employees (not just me). Recovery was finding another job that wasn't abusive and realizing slowly over time I wasn't going to get verbal abuse 24/7 or really at all. Abuse is actually the exception it only SEEMS normal when caught in such an environment.

So get a job, la la, get a job? Well ... maybe not ... if you just take any old job, you just end up with any old job (ask me how I know that too), and it's not so easy to change direction once one has signed up for such a rut, to put it mildly, it's easier to change direction when you have nothing. But on the other hand being in the unemployed position is often one of weakness and emotional vulnerability just by it's nature. Maybe just find a way to use your skills volunteering etc., then low and behold you are using your skills actively again, even before sorting out the career stuff.

[MamaM]

Thanks y'all. I have PTSD from being in the military and that is rearing it's ugly head. BLAH!!

I am working really hard to not just take any old job. I am really researching jobs and finding one's that allow my creative side to be utilized and not just the normal hum drum skills that any worker bee can do.

I am giving myself 6 months before I truly panic. :)

I have started looking at volunteer activities but again, want to find the right fit. Thank you for all the suggestions, I appreciate them.

[Zoe Girl]

I understand. I left my teaching job which probably trashed or seriously impacted my career because it was so horrible. I was blamed for un-interesting lessons when a child with issues choked another one, at least that was the last straw. I left, went back to Target where I had been working, and was a cart attendant at first. I was pretty much a wreck and only have one friend from that period who kinda reminds me how far I have come. At least I got right back into the classroom with subbing and got good feedback.

I actually did this weird thing for awhile. I found this youtube video about 'tapping', it is used for people with PTSD, In any case I felt it helped but I can't explain it, and heck it wasn't going to hurt anything! From that guided I was able to work back into meditation.

[Life_is_Simple]

One thing that has helped me to reach the "it was them, not me" way of thinking, was to read workplace bullying stuff to process and resolve things in my head.

This part explains: Why me? (http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/bully.htm#Why) It sort of builds you up, because bullies target those who are good at their job.

This explains the bully personality: The serial bully (http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm) . You will likely find characteristics of your back-stabber on that list.

Processing this stuff also helps you to regain control --> you understand what happened, and feel like you can spot trouble earlier next time if needed.

Also, sometimes I have to "get the crap out of my head," before I can let the good stuff in. I don't know if this will help you or not, but just in case, I am posting it :)

[MamaM]

Thanks and (((HUGS))) to all of us. :)

I have had several people tell me I was personally attacked because I was accountable to my job. The first person to do that in that position in 5 years. So I know THAT ticked them off. I am was also told that I am highly intelligent for being in my career field and my military background lets me sort out BS from getting the job done and getting over the drama. My honesty in calling BS on people gets me every time. I am pretty good judge of character once I get into a situation and I don't let people get a way with bs'ing. I wish I had that power BEFORE hand. :) It's a hard pill to swallow because I am really a humble person and just want to do my job and do the right thing.

SO- I am praying this job I interviewed is the right one and I get it. I think it will let me be creative and has HUGE growth potential and won't box me in. I would be laying the grounds for the standards set. :)

[ashleenshannon]

i faced same problem last six months back, why we loss our confidence, if we work on any task without knowing about that task, when we start a work, we should know about that work confidently, than we have to start work.. Planning, confidence , idea on that work, how we have to start that work, these are the main things we keep in our mind.

[larknm]

My closest situation to yours was I was fired because the book-keeper told me too much--that she was siphoning off income from the artists-in-the-schools workers for her husband who put together and published the books for the organization. When she realized I knew a bunch of the people who gave us our funding, and I was the fund-raiser, I got fired. I wasn't told that but it was how I put it together. I had hated working for a crooked administration and found grant-proposal writing uninteresting, so was glad to get out. I got over it by getting a new job, from a friend of a friend, plus another new job from a friend--those both part-time, and while doing those trained for my career as a psychoanalyst, which I love. Knowing and hanging out with people who like me made the recovery happen, in terms of getting jobs. getting refs for the training, and just being around people who valued me.

[Tussiemussies]

MamaM, are you on any meds for your PTSD? If so do they help at all? You might need a great psychriatrist who is dedicated to helping you adjust your meds so they really work. Although the workplace situation is just very unhealthy and meds or no meds it would be hard in that environment.

Let me tell you a tool you can use that I learned from my spiritual study. Is to observe everything and don't react. It takes time to build up but brings the greatest freedom from negativity because you watch it like a movie and it does not effect you. Really it is our own thoughts about things that bring us stress. This takes a lot of practice but it is worth it.. Freedom from stress!!!

Good luck. I will say a prayer for you...

[HumboldtGurl]

MamaM, I've been away for a while so I'm not up to date on your situation, I'm sorry to hear it sounded really bad!

But I will give one suggestion that could help you feel better....one thing that has helped me tremendously in a professional sense is I joined a Toastmasters public speaking group (http://www.toastmasters.org/) . I know it seems like a terrifying thing to do for a lot of people, but Toastmasters is SO supportive and it's a great place to learn, grow and gain confidence not just in public speaking but in just talking with strangers. The people there are wonderful and if you join a smaller group it's even better IMO because you get more interaction time during a meeting.

I could go on and on about how much it's helped me. The best part is it's free to attend a few meetings before you decide to join.