not good communication

[Zoe Girl]

First of all I would say that my oldest daughter has greatly improved since moving back in here about 5-6 months ago. She is less irritable and more generally pleasant. Some issues seem intractable however, a bit energy draining is really what it is for me. There is the long day sleeping but after a week fo spring break I see she does sometimes get up by noon like I ask. Overall however she simply does not tell me everything I need to know. She did tell me her Easter plans, she did not tell me she didn't need a ride home from work which was okay since I only rarely give her rides. But the biggie is this car that is broken down. She got a car for $500 and then shortly after got in a fender bender. The general condition of the car makes it not worthwhile to repair so she decided to sell it off to a place that picks up broken cars and pays a little something. Okay, my deal is that it needs to be gone by April 1st, they take street sweeping here serious and the ticket is $50 for not being off the street the right day. Plus I just don't want to look at it, we need some movement here! The car gone, a bill left over from her apartment paid (5 months paying a storage unit instead of rent makes it totally possible) and work towards a new car and/or moving out. She has done almost nothing on our ETSY store yet complains she is not getting many hours at work. And she would do amazing at a tattoo internship but if there is movement on that then I have not heard about it.

After asking I heard they could probably pick it up yesterday, talk about the last minute, and now it is moved off the street and in my driveway. I have a super long driveway that could fit 3 cars easily so that isn't the problem, it is just everything being done late and me having to ask instead of being communicated with. I understand my son missing communication since he is 15, and my middle kiddo is pretty negative but puts in amazing positives to balance it. I am challenged by doing things on time, my reasoning is that pretty much I have more to do than is possible a lot of days and I have to put in a few mental health moments. But I get it done. Somehow watching me work really really hard has not made enough of an impact.

Just needed to blow off a little steam, I am going to write a little note in our family notebook since I go to church and no one else will be up in time. And I really need a move-out date, but the drain of seeing that this is likely another deadline that will take a lot of energy to enforce is not encouraging.

[libby]

I think the best solution for all involved is for her to find her own place. You have posted a few times about issues with this young lady. How much more are you going to put up with. Her blatant lack of respect for you and your home is not acceptable. Boot her......

[iris lily]

I think the best solution for all involved is for her to find her own place. You have posted a few times about issues with this young lady. How much more are you going to put up with. Her blatant lack of respect for you and your home is not acceptable. Boot her......

Boot her with incredibly good, super-dooper birth control. Can she use Norplant? I don't really need an answer and it's none of my business, I just think she needs to have birth control that she doesn't have to think about. She isn't responsible.

Do you KNOW how much I would have loved something like Norplant when I was young!!!!????? Well, I suppose that ere was something similar, IUDs and I didn't use that.

[Miss Cellane]

Two thoughts:

1. If you give someone a deadline, you can't complain that they aren't moving on it until the deadline passes. Next time, maybe a shorter deadline?

2. What are the consequences of not meeting your deadlines/goals? What's going to happen to your daughter if the car is still there at Midnight on April 1? If you don't have a consequence that means something to her built into your deal, there's no real reason for her to meet your deadline. Next time, build in a serious consequence for not fulfilling her agreement. Like booting her out of the house.

If you continually set goals for her, or make agreements that she will do something, and she does do the work and nothing happens to her, all you are teaching her is that she can get away with doing nothing.

[domestic goddess]

Zoe Girl, I am sorry that this situation is causing you so much stress. But I do have to say that if you are hoping your example of hard work will cause you dd to want to emulate you, just don't hold your breath. I've worked hard all my life, and now that I am in my senoir years and would like to take it a bit easy, my dd has apparently decided that hard work is not for her. Some days I just have to shake my head.
I don't really have any answers ( or I'd use them myself!), but you do have my sympathy.

[Zoe Girl]

Hey domestic, I understand and it is just frustrating. I know for a fact my parents are constantly bothered because none of their grown children are clean the way they are (somewhat OCD frankly). I made a conscious decision to put people above cleaning but I understand they have never really understood that, or single parenting as compared to a full time homemaker who really put housecleaning above a lot of things. So I try to recall that when i get bothered.

She did respond to the note without me tracking her down! She really went out of her way to communicate which is an improvement. I am not sure why I can't expect someone to do something before a deadline, I mean the deadline is for the finished project and we talked a few times about all the things she needed to do in order to meet it. However the consequences thing is something that is faulty. I have few consequences short of asking her to leave, well one time I actually grounded her from having company after 10 pm for a stretch of time and her boyfriend works very late so that was significant. So no idea on consequences really, and working on a move out date.

[Miss Cellane]

Zoe Girl, I had a thought. In addition to negative consequences, and I think you should use the "grounding" of the boyfriend visits whenever you think it's necessary, how about some positive reinforcement as well? She did tell you about her Easter plans, so thank her and maybe do something for her because of that--buy her favorite treat or something, so she knows her communication is appreciated.

Then I had this crazy idea. For more positive reinforcement, is she paying rent? If not, maybe it's time to start charging her a small amount, like $50 a week. That's $200 a month, and if she's working, she should be able to cover that.

Then offer her rent reduction if she works on the goals the two of you have set.


The car gone, a bill left over from her apartment paid (5 months paying a storage unit instead of rent makes it totally possible) and work towards a new car and/or moving out. She has done almost nothing on our ETSY store yet complains she is not getting many hours at work. And she would do amazing at a tattoo internship but if there is movement on that then I have not heard about it.

Maybe there are three steps in getting rid of the car. Making this up off the top of my head, calling the company that takes the cars, paying them some money, scheduling a date for the car to be picked up. So, if she can prove she called the company, $5 off the rent that week. Proof she paid them, another $5 off. Proof that a date has been scheduled, another $5. The car is gone--you surprise her by cooking her favorite meal or letting her off one chore for one day or something similar.

Break all those goals down and give them cash value. Make or find 5 things for the Etsy store? $10 off the week's rent. List 10 things for the store? $5 off the rent. Open a savings account? $5. Get $50 in the savings account? $5. Get $100 in the savings account? $10. Pay off the bill? $25 off the rent. Call about the tattoo intership? $5. Start the tattoo internship? $15. Or whatever steps and dollar amounts make sense. She has to pay the rent weekly, no carrying over for another week. That way, she has to touch base with you every week. The hard part, for you, will be if she choose to pay the full rent all the time, instead of working on the goals. But I think eventually, she will see the benefit to working on the goals and saving some money.

This way, your daughter will have to communicate with you. She can't just say she did something. She has to pull out her cell phone and show the record of the call to the tattoo place, and give you the name of the person she talked with. Then she gets a rent reduction. For every single step, make sure you have clear instructions as to what the proof of completing that step will be.

It also gives your daughter choices. She can do the tasks and reduce her rent and increase her spending money/savings. Or she can just pay the rent, with the consequence being that she has less money. Or she can not pay the rent at all, in which case, she has to move out of your house. But this way, you can have negative consequences, i.e. paying rent and having less money, without having to resort to threatening to kick her out, which it doesn't sound like you want to do.

[Zoe Girl]

Hmm sounds good. May take a little time to work out some of the kinks but you have most of that worked out. And it deals with my sense of feeling powerless in this deal which really helps me. I have been frustrated with a bill she has leftover from her apartment and felt like our agreement was without paying rent she could/would pay that off. Now that I know she hasn't I am more than a little upset (if you read my situation in money I am dealing with really big issues and they will be bad if I don't deal with them). So charging her and giving her a way to earn it back is good, possibly even sending her 'savings' directly to the company she owes money to if that isn't too over-involved.

Last night at Easter she commented that she didn't need therapy because even most psychopaths don't get therapy and that the quit smoking drug (i am concerned that she has smoked for 7 years with asthma) is really going to be dangerous so she shouldn't put that kind of poison into her body. Yes those things are true, but she is still smoking after all. So I think this type of behavior therapy by me is the only type of help she is likely to get. Her boyfriend is a great guy and thinks she is perfectly fine the way she is. Which is very good, but also not paying attention to the real issues she can have.

[befree]

Yikes, not enough money to pay bills or rent, but she's smoking? Cigarettes cost what, now, $5.00/pack??

[Zoe Girl]

i understand the smoking comment, it isn't that simple. However we have seen some improvement overall. Less grumpy behavior, more cooperativeness, I have even seen a few things done without nagging. I had a great talk with her boyfriend now that he sees the issue of her not getting things done, and he is gently pushing her as well. I wanted to emphasize it is all out of love, however it is necessary to keep communicating and moving along.