Anxiety Over How I Left Things Standing

[SiouzQ.]

I've been fretting about how I know I hurt someone's feelings (the guy I was "dating" all last year). Let me reiterate, I never considered ourselves a couple, we did not sleep together; we just basically went out and did stuff for a while together because we have mutual interests and friends. He is a funny guy, very sweet and attentive but for some reason, I just could not reciprocate any romantic feelings for him. After a few months of dating, it remained quite one-sided though - he was hoping for so much more and as time did go on, I realized that I just couldn't keep faking having feelings for him and I felt very guilty that I was taking advantage of his attention and kindness (always paying for my drinks, dinner, etc) after a while. But I also felt like he kept putting this pressure on me to be someone he wanted me to be, ie, an attentive and exclusive girlfriend.

I talked to him about it a couple of times over the course of the months, always making sure to put the onus on me, such as the stress of my job/weird schedule/hormonal changes/things going on with my daughter that were making me cranky, etc. because I didn't want to come right out and say that "I'm just not attracted to you in that way" because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I'm afraid that my inherent lack of communication and sometimes poor social skills caused a great big hurt and I can't stop thinking about the way he must have felt dealing with me.

About two weeks ago I was at our favorite bar hanging around with mutual friends when he came in from an out of town job - he sat down and we talked a little bit about our respective days. Another person came over and they started talking so I excused myself to go over to a different table to talk to someone else and all of the sudden, he got up and left, just like that, without saying anything to me. I'm not sure what was going on, if he felt slighted that I left the table for a moment? We haven't been in contact since then and part of me knows that something has been left dangling; I thought perhaps we would still be casual friends or maybe I've hurt him so bad that he hates me now. It's just that every time I tried to talk honestly with him about where I'm at about relationships in general at this period in my life, it felt that it just served to get his hopes up that if he waited around long enough we would somehow be the couple he would have liked us to be.

I'm finding I do miss him in some ways, just to talk occasionally if anything. But I do not miss his fawning need to take care of me, if that makes any sense. I know when we run into each other (and it is bound to happen sooner or later) it's going to be awkward. Part of me wonders if I should contact him via FB messaging and try to explain it all yet again, or do I just try to let it go and let him deal with his feelings of disapointment about me? I hate it when I know I probably didn't handle things in the best way and I would like to try to remedy it somehow - it must be really bothering me because it's been two weeks and I am still thinking about it...

[SteveinMN]

In my experience, it's tough to negotiate new terms to a relationship if one of the couple had far higher romantic expectations than the other. Sometimes a good friendship comes out of it; sometimes not. The wild card here is that we are not privy to exactly what he said that inferred romantic interest. As a guy who has been through "breakups" like that, may I offer a way to address this with him?

Send a note or email saying something like:

It was nice to see you <whenever>. But I feel like I left something dangling then. I hate it when I think I probably didn't handle things in the best way. It's just that every time I tried to talk honestly with you about where I'm at about relationships, I felt that I was just getting your hopes up that if you waited around long enough we would somehow be a couple. I'm hoping perhaps we could still be casual friends -- and hoping that maybe I haven't hurt you so bad that you hate me now. I do miss talking with you. I'm just not looking for anyone to take care of me.
... followed by your framing acceptable terms of the relationship going forward -- unless he tells you that he can't be friends now or maybe ever. At that point, it's up to him.

A lot of those words should look familiar. ;)

[JaneV2.0]

I'd let it go. He probably deserves better than another chorus of "It's not you, it's me," and the sooner he dives back in the dating pool, the better. Stringing him along--even inadvertently--is not doing him any favors.

[iris lily]

I'd let it go. He probably deserves better than another chorus of "It's not you, it's me," and the sooner he dives back in the dating pool, the better. Stringing him along--even inadvertently--is not doing him any favors.

Strongly agree.

[Zoe Girl]

Yeah, I had one of those except it was a real dating relationship. I realized after 3 months that he cared much more deeply for me than I would ever care for him so I broke it off. It was very awkward since we worked somewhat together. I found we had odd moments that were difficult and started to seem like we were getting friendly again, I could see the hope in him for more. So I wrote him one of my famous letters, I am pretty sure my Scorpio tendance could be harsh. but it was very clear at the end of it that there was no future.

The thing that may be bothering you (and check this for yourself) is that no matter what you are going to disappoint this guy, right? You are not going to be his girlfriend and you are not going to be dependant. So with him leaving it was the reality of that, and it stings. You may have to accept a few of these encounters, it doesn't make you a bad person. In fact because you care about his feelings you really are a good person. The note idea sounds good, as brutal as it sounds the total honesty of not saying it is your job but that this is what relationship you feel with him is the best. And then to accept if he wants nothing to do with you.

Big hugs

[Wildflower]

Leave it alone. He's suffered enough. You will just prolong it if you keep communicating with him. He needs to move on. Your indifference will allow him to move on.

[SiouzQ.]

Thanks you guys, really good insights here. I love getting the male point of view - thanks Steve. I know I'm not a bad person, but I realize I can be difficult to be around when it comes to intimacy issues and communication. Not with everybody, but for some reason with this particular man I found it very hard to really open up to him because of, you know I don't really know why, to be honest. It just wasn't to be, I guess.

I'm not sure what I'll do, if anything. I kind of like how Steve took what I wrote and turned it around into something I could imagine actually sending to him, but as others of you suggested, perhaps the best thing to do is to do nothing. We will eventually cross paths one of these days; I guess I'll see how it goes. I do feel like I would like to apologize (yet again) but maybe I don't need to anymore.

Meanwhile, I get to get outta Dodge starting tomorrow - South Bend, here I come!

[SteveinMN]

Just as everyone else is urging you to let it go to let him "move on", you need to be able to do that, too. If just letting things sit until you (awkwardly) meet again will fix it, go for it. The fact that you've already perseverated on this for a couple of weeks tells me you still have some unfinished business before you can move on.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Just as everyone else is urging you to let it go to let him "move on", you need to be able to do that, too. If just letting things sit until you (awkwardly) meet again will fix it, go for it. The fact that you've already perseverated on this for a couple of weeks tells me you still have some unfinished business before you can move on.

Haha, nice. As a woman our needs matters too? Who knew ... we're too busy putting everyone else first. In relationships of course but apparently even in saying goodbye.

[poetry_writer]

After my divorce I ran into this type situation a couple of times (I was not good at speaking my mind at that point in my life). Men would want to rush into serious relationships fast (I got two marriage proposals from men i barely knew LOL..i kid you not)........I have found that I have to be honest and up front with what I looking for in a relationship. If they cant accept that, I firmly let them know and move on. Firmly but kindly. Some dont hear me and I have to just let them go....stop answering the phone and emails. I hate that, but I dont like being pushed. Its a difficult situation and took me a long time to realize I could speak my mind and tell them honestly what I was feeling. I dont know why that can be so hard to do, but it sometimes is.

[Spartana]

SiouzQ - As Steve pointed out, it is often difficult to remain "just friends" with someone you had a romanitic relationship with if one of you still has feelings for the other. So, unless you have many interests in common and have shared friends or activities already established, then it's probably best just to let it go and both of you move on. Dating is all about learning if you are compatable and romanticly interested in someone, it doesn't mean you are making some sort of long term commitment to a person. So there is no reason to feel guilty because you don't like him romanticly. That is what dating is for - to find out. The nice thing to do is to tell them you aren't interested in them romanticly as soon as you realize that rather than drag it on for weeks or months because you feel you will hurt them. You will hurt them MUCH more by dragging it out. So use this as a learning experience of what not to do with the next person (people) you date. Be upfront in the beginning about what you want (marriage, casual dating, just a platonic friendship, etc...) and then, if sparks don't fly after a few dates, move on and don't drag things out. It is the best way to handle things in the long and short run. Like Poetry Writer, I am very upfront with anyone new. Even though I have been dating someone for awhile now, he knows that I am not looking for a marriage or even a serious long term relationship at this time and that I will be travelling several months a year and donm't want to be tied down by a relationship right now - and I told him that right away before dating. He is OK with that (or so he says) so if he wants more in the future than I do from a relationship (like marriage or for me to stay around more) and I say no then I won't feel guilty as I was VERY upfront with him in the beginning.

[Spartana]

Haha, nice. As a woman our needs matters too? Who knew ... we're too busy putting everyone else first. In relationships of course but apparently even in saying goodbye.Ha ha - A problem I definetly don't have in relationships. Serve the Queen fool! Probably why I'm divorced :-)!