Being too hard on yourself...

[Life_is_Simple]

I sometimes wonder if I put too much pressure on myself. Needlessly. I'm thinking about the "shoulds" in my brain, and here they are:

I, as one person, should make more money than the median household, even though health issues limit me to 30 hrs per week.
When I am sick, I should make up the work time later, instead of taking the day as sick.
I should be on track with enough money for retirement, even though I started late.
I should be buff.
I should be more socially active (even though winters take a toll on my health).
I should get back right away to friends who have requests.
When I have unexpected expenses, I shouldn't dip into savings.
I should save more money.

Instead, what I might think are:

I am making more than the median hh income as one person. Good for me!
I can take off a few days here and there unpaid, no need to push myself.
I'm doing better than most people retirement-money-wise, keep it up, revisit later, don't overthink it. It takes time to build up the funds.
Now I'm stuck at the "I should be buff" one :laff:


It's harder to come up with the alternative thoughts, than the "shoulds."

Do you have any "shoulds?"

[KayLR]

I have a running tape of "shoulds" in my mind most of the time. I'll reflect on this and try to write later if I come up with any alternative affirmations.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Well, I don't have a constantly running thread of shoulds but ....


I, as one person, should make more money than the median household, even though health issues limit me to 30 hrs per week.

haha yea, the world isn't particularly setup for single people, but meh. I really can't necessarily earn or be in the financial position as a single person that a two-income couple would be, that's just the cold hard unfair truth. So so envious of the 30 hours though, how did you get that? Are In a profession that allows it?


When I am sick, I should make up the work time later, instead of taking the day as sick.

no I take sick days :)


I should be buff.

oh I've given up on that


I should be more socially active (even though winters take a toll on my health).

me it's I should do more socially even though just my work and commute schedule exhaust me.


When I have unexpected expenses, I shouldn't dip into savings.

oh yea I definitely relate to that, I usually manage not to, but sometimes ... and it stresses me out - and sometimes it's not even unexpected stuff but stuff i *SHOULD* have planned for :~) haha, like I know a car insurance bill will be due ... I SHOULD be more organized :~).

The whole having to dip into savings things produces very odd psychological results, like I start feeling poor and broke if I have to (even though it's not true), but it's a sudden feeling of scarcity, and this feeling broke leaves me for some reason compulsively wanting to spend more and more money. Even though, duh, if money actually is scarce I SHOULD want to spend less! And this broke-ness isn't even real, it's just a small dip into savings for a temporary expense! It's like how dieting leads to compulsive overeating or something.

[Simplemind]

I have a very hard time touching savings. I admit that I am not balanced about this. I have saved and saved for a rainy day but can't concieve of how hard it has to rain before I will touch it. Now that I am retired it doesn't bother me that I am no longer saving, I just don't want to touch what I have.

[JaneV2.0]

...

The whole having to dip into savings things produces very odd psychological results, like I start feeling poor and broke if I have to (even though it's not true), but it's a sudden feeling of scarcity, and this feeling broke leaves me for some reason compulsively wanting to spend more and more money. Even though, duh, if money actually is scarce I SHOULD want to spend less! And this broke-ness isn't even real, it's just a small dip into savings for a temporary expense! It's like how dieting leads to compulsive overeating or something.

Isn't that an odd phenomenon? The less I have, the more I spend, historically. And your dieting analogy is perfect.

Buff? I'm happy with upright.

[Blackdog Lin]

Life_Is_Simple - you have described my life. I'm laughing over it this very minute.

I'm gonna go with the thought that what you've described is simply the human condition. We do the best we can. And we realize it's seldom the best we know we COULD do. And then we realize that good enough is sometimes good enough. And so on.....

[SiouzQ.]

I know what you all mean about dipping into savings for a big expense - I am absolutely freaking out about having a car payment now and taking $4000 out of my savings for a down payment, even though that was part of what I had been saving for because I knew the time would come that I would need a different car. It's just that I worked so hard to build up that savings and all of the sudden, poof, a lot of it is gone in one fell swoop! I HATE spending big chunks of money like that because I know how long it took me to build it up. Around December of last year I remember how I triumphantly crowed about having $20,000 in my savings account but some of it went into my IRA, and a lot went in to this car thing.

And now I feel poor again, and am running around trying to figure out creative ways to generate more income. Two of today's ideas won't pan out - I can't sell my blood plasma (potentially $160 a month) because I had a routine colonoscopy back in February and I have to wait six months before they'll clear me. Then I ran around trying to find a consignment shop to sell some of the clothes that don't fit anymore but the ones around here have either closed, are in the process of closing, or the membership fee is too high for what I have to potentially sell.

I am thinking about doing the roommate thing again at some point but honestly, I really don't want to. It really disrupts my equilibrium. Another possibility is helping a friend who has a little cleaning business clean houses ...we shall see.

Meanwhile, I still haven't smoked (it's been 5 weeks), thereby saving that money, and I also quit drinking coffee - that right there is probably saving about $50 a month. I am really trying to be extra frugal because the next few month have a lot of big expenditures - higher car insurance due, car registration, daughter's birthday, and my road trip in June WHICH I WILL NOT CONSIDER GIVING UP. Looking forward to that is the one thing that keeps me sane during the rest of the year.

Oh boy, I think I really digressed here....sorry!

[Lainey]

Life_is_Simple,
this reminded me of a time years ago when I went to a book club hosted by an elderly friend. We were talking about the upcoming new year, and I asked her what her new year's resolutions were. She said, "well, after you're 80 years old, you don't make resolutions any more." Duh.

So now I'm at the point where I know I can tweak things, but basically, what I am is what I am. Oh yeah.

[ctg492]

Lainey,
I like that phrase: I am what I am! How simple, yet why can I not think that way? I am getting much better at it now that I am the ripe old age of 52, but still a long ways to go with it.

[Life_is_Simple]

So so envious of the 30 hours though, how did you get that? Are In a profession that allows it?

I'm self-employed, so I make my own hours. Self-employment tends to make the work more project-focused than hours-focused. Even though I charge by the hour, the mentality is more about the work itself. This enables me to decide how much income is "enough."

Plus, I have "the world's leading online coach" (my friend;) )

[ApatheticNoMore]

I think the hours rather than task/project focus is pure stupidity, but hey life in corporate america :~) I always have the prejudice of self-employment as requiring long long hours (which for some reason doesn't sound very appealing :)), but I guess maybe not always.

[Life_is_Simple]

I have saved and saved for a rainy day but can't concieve of how hard it has to rain before I will touch it.
:laff: This is it EXACTLY!! I love the way you phrase it ;)

[Life_is_Simple]

This thread is doing me some good knowing I am not the only one, and as Blackdog Lin says this is the 'human condition.'

Also, after reading Lainey's post, I think I may try to channel my Inner Eighty-Year-Old, and just be satisfied with things :+1:

[larknm]

IF DH or I get hard on ourselves we remind the other that each time we criticize ourselves our immune systems go down.

[Life_is_Simple]

I think the hours rather than task/project focus is pure stupidity, but hey life in corporate america :~) I always have the prejudice of self-employment as requiring long long hours (which for some reason doesn't sound very appealing :)), but I guess maybe not always.
I think it CAN be long hours. Somehow, mine turned out not to be, since I had 2 self-employment stints. The first time I set the business up, took seminars, tried different clients, and tested marketing. I learned some things like: marketing is hard, small clients are unprofitable, using recruiters can be helpful.

So the 2nd time around, I'm more working IN the business than ON the business. I think the time consuming part is when you're working ON the business and IN the business at the same time. That's like having 2 jobs.

[reader99]

Re dipping into savings, when I used to have money and a wider variety of potential expenses I had a separate savings account for those, different than long-term savings. I added up all the things I knew would happen, like car insurance every six months and property tax every quarter, plus an estimate of the most likely car repair, most likely appliance replacement, the most likely dental work, new glasses, all that kind of stuff, I added it up and divided by the number of paychecks in the year and put that much in the special account each payday. When the refrigerator and the a/c both crapped out the same month my car got creamed, I had the money for it. And I didn't feel bad about drawing it out because that's what I put it in there for.

I was more likely to put long term savings in retirement type accounts, both for the tax advantages and so it was more likely to stay in there.

[reader99]

Re "good enough" - all through my 20s and 30s I read self improvment books and tried all kinds of stuff to make me better. Sometime in my 40s I realized that this is about as good as I'm going to get and that's okay. Now at 58 I feel like if I pay my own bills and clean my own house (or pay someone) - in other words not asking other to do for me, without pay, what I should do for myself, I'm fine. Buff is way in my rear view mirror and upright is the new physically fit.

I really am what I am, or as the great philosopher Popeye phrased it, "I yam what I yam and that's all what I yam."

[Blackdog Lin]

reader 99: I loved what you said above, and am trying to quote it. Later.....

(eta: quoting isn't working for me. I will have to hope to add to the discussion tomorrow. It's very interesting.)

[fidgiegirl]

I am, I think, especially with emotions. Shouldn't ever be mad, or sad, or at least shouldn't ever express it. Wouldn't be ladylike. Wouldn't do any good anyway, and would just make other people feel bad. Minnesotans are never to make other people feel bad, you know.

Also with being productive every. second. of. the. day. I "should" be taking advantage of every moment. This is how I waste a lot of time online, actually. If I'm doing something on the computer, it must be Very Important even if dinner is not made, clothes are dirty, and I'm just plain old tired and want to sit in the easy chair. It also stands in the way of leisure many times. Since as you all know there is never an end to the to-do list, if one thinks one will knock out the whole to-do list with all available free time, there will always be something to replace it. And going to plays and museums and new parks and whatever are never at the top of that list, unless one places them squarely there. But that means that the house might not be pristine when the work week starts . . .

[Geila]

I am, I think, especially with emotions. Shouldn't ever be mad, or sad, or at least shouldn't ever express it. Wouldn't be ladylike. Wouldn't do any good anyway, and would just make other people feel bad. Minnesotans are never to make other people feel bad, you know.

Also with being productive every. second. of. the. day. I "should" be taking advantage of every moment. This is how I waste a lot of time online, actually. If I'm doing something on the computer, it must be Very Important even if dinner is not made, clothes are dirty, and I'm just plain old tired and want to sit in the easy chair. It also stands in the way of leisure many times. Since as you all know there is never an end to the to-do list, if one thinks one will knock out the whole to-do list with all available free time, there will always be something to replace it. And going to plays and museums and new parks and whatever are never at the top of that list, unless one places them squarely there. But that means that the house might not be pristine when the work week starts . . .

I wonder if this is especially prevalent with women. This might be a good survey topic... Women and (self)Expectations. :)

[Rosemary]

Am I hard on myself? Yes.
The only people who were ever harder on me were my parents. (Guess how I got to be this way?)
I am trying to tame the perfectionism that rules so many of my decisions and actions. I don't have to optimize every single thing that I do, all day long. Optimize for efficiency of time, driving miles, use of resources, etc. I'm an engineer and optimization decisions are burned into my brain.
And I am trying to realize when I get in the mode of over-analyzing my decisions and actions as well, to remind myself that things will be ok either way.
One of my friends adopted as her mantra, "Done is better than perfect." When I get stuck, this reminds me to just do whatever it is rather than agonizing over each detail.