View Full Version : Mourning the loss of "family"
catherine
4-15-13, 10:45pm
This month two of my children broke up with their SOs.
This is the only place I can think of where I can feel safe making my kids' difficult situation all about me. I am bummed that I'm also losing two people whom I had come to feel were part of my family! They are both people I would have loved having as in-laws. I know this is difficult for my kids--of course. But break-ups are sad all around, even if they're for the best.
Anyone else have a difficult time saying goodbye to one of your children's partners?
Yes. It took about a year to fully move on.
Tussiemussies
4-15-13, 10:58pm
Very sorry for you Catherine. I don't have children so I've never had this experience but I would imagine there would be grief around it since you loved these people too. Sorry.....christine
BarbieGirl
4-15-13, 10:59pm
Catherine,
Of course you feel a loss! And it's natural and totally understandable. Loving your children and getting to know the people they care for and love. It's easy to love someone who loves your child!
As you get to know them you begin to care for them for their own sake.
I really like my son's girlfriend. Mostly because she loves him, and he's a complicated young man. I enjoy getting to know her for her own sake as well.
It's good that you've come here to vent. Mourn your loss here....keep smiling for your kids.
Barb
Not yet... My young adult kids have been working on their choices, and they have some room to grow there...
I don't have children, but I have been on the other end of this: The SO that was dumped, and the parents of my SO not caring at all, though I had always treated them wonderfully (their words). Bless you Catherine for caring.
I understand and you have every right to feel this way. I have two sons in their mid-late 20's. In the begining I would fall in love with the girl in the life of my sons at the moment, hanging Christmas stockings sums it up. Then the disolving of the relationship. Of course there was never an ending good bye to me(I understand) from any of the girls. SO it left me bittered and perhaps a bit cold to any future girl.
rodeosweetheart
4-16-13, 6:29am
I agree with ctg492, although there have not been that many, and two of the boys are now married. But there was one girl that I was very close to, and we all thought they were getting married--he asked her--and it was hard to lose her--a strange experience. I feel myself not wanting to get too close anymore. Sometimes I think of her and wonder if they would have been happy. She was such a sweet girl--her brother was working with one my my son's friends last year and said he missed my son, too.
It reminds me of after my divorce, when I felt I lost my stepchildren.
Agh. Not much you can do about it.
Wonder if this is the feeling children have if divorced parents parade new SOs in front of them and then they disappear?
My in laws did not even meet me until a couple of years after the wedding. No one had the money to fly to visit.
A bit on the other side, I was dating a guy who was wonderful for a year. His daughter actually introduced us, I worked with her at Target and she was such a nice young lady. Then we broke up and I recall sending her a text to say we could have our own relationship if she wanted, and I never heard back. It is understandable however I really miss her. That relationship was really good for that year and looked like it was solid for a long time, I wonder if his family misses me at all. I met them but they lived far away.
Thats hard catherine (hug).
I've kept in touch with an old boyfriend's mom for 26 years now. She's a really good friend.
My kids are young (about to turn 17 and 16) but I tend to take in and mother their friends and girlfriends.
It is hard to see them move on with their lives when they have been part of yours.
I am discovering that gratitude is the solution to my grief in so many ways. I literally recount and list all the ways that I am grateful for whatever the situation may be being part of my experience and then let go.
I have a fridgie that a family member gave me which states:
"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, nature calls a butterfly". Anonymous.
I try to find the butterflies in the losses in my life now although sometimes it is a real challenge to see beyond the loss.
Don't stop caring but enjoy the life and joy that come into your life from the presence of others and lovingly let them move on to the next stage of theirs when that unfolds.
{{{{{Hugs}}}}}
My ex-wife and my mom are still friends. There is an amount of codependency in which they engage; my mom also has a continuing wish for "one big happy family" that is being diminished slowly by reality. But the two of them genuinely enjoy each other's company. And both of them are adults and have the ability to forge and maintain the relationships they want in their lives. I can ask only that some sensitivity be displayed at appropriate times -- and that sensitivity is displayed. I am sure my mother would very much miss my ex's presence in her life. It is a shame that divorce/breakups -- even death, really -- can cause that loss.
Seems like dd has had 3 or 4 significant others now each one lasting about three years. I am hoping the latest one "sticks" as it is indeed hard for all concerned when they move on. It feels really odd when you spend holidays, family dinners etc together for several years and poof they are just gone.
First of all, I want to thank you guys for posting.. after I posted I had a really busy work week so I really apologize for not acknowledging your thoughtful, compassionate posts.
So, DS's girlfriend posted on Facebook early this morning with a picture of her lovely dog (whom we LOVE) and "#lastnighthere" and "#nostalgic". That got me a little misty, but then she posted a final NJ post about "thank you for the love and memories to.. " her friends. Why am I so upset?? I'm sitting here crying.
So, I wasn't going to acknowledge my feelings to her, because I thought that as a parent I should be Switzerland and neutral, but when I saw that one of the people she thanked was my son, I thought that gave me "permission" to acknowledge her leaving and to wish her well.
Plus, puglogic's post made me feel that perhaps she would think I didn't care if I didn't write to her. So I sent her a PM telling her I was going to miss her and the dog and God bless.
Do you think that was appropriate? I just am so surprised at my reaction to the finality of DS's relationship--and I certainly don't want DS to know because that would make him feel worse than I'm sure he already does.
I'm thinking there's no reason why you can't continue to be friends with her and communicate with her. You had a relationship with her too.
Thanks, Cathy. I extended the invitation to her to reach out to me whenever she wanted so now the ball's in her court. She may or may not want to continue the relationship.
cindycindy
4-28-13, 6:34pm
I understand and you have every right to feel this way. I have two sons in their mid-late 20's. In the begining I would fall in love with the girl in the life of my sons at the moment, hanging Christmas stockings sums it up. Then the disolving of the relationship. Of course there was never an ending good bye to me(I understand) from any of the girls. SO it left me bittered and perhaps a bit cold to any future girl.
I can really relate to this. You get to know your children's significant others as people, and it is difficult when they're suddenly out of your lives. I can't imagine the feeling when you lose a daughter/son in law through divorce when they've been part of your life for years.
So sorry to keep bringing this up!!!! Please consider it a journal entry of sorts, and don't feel compelled to respond. I just need to write.
I asked DS35 how he would feel about my "liking" his XGF Facebook posts, and he said that he would rather I didn't. He needs space. I totally understand and will comply. But his XGF has been chronicling her cross-country drive along with her dog on FB. Today she posted how she was overcome with sadness on the the AZ/CA border over the loss of her East Coast life. Man.. I SO wanted to post something!!! I wanted so badly to lend support, but I can't. I guess I should just block her feed. Thank God she's almost at her destination and will start a new life. ...
And then DD28 is now dating her tattoo artist (she just got her first tattoo), and I need to stop thinking about how cliche that sounds. I'm sure if I meet him, I'll like him. As for XBF, same FB issue--on Mother's Day, XBF "liked" my posts--and I didn't feel I should respond. Not fair!
I do wish DD well. I wish her XBF well. I trust her to make the right decisions for her. I know that DD/DS/XGF/XBF are all feeling this loss WAY more than I am. But, waahhh, today I'm feeling I should stay off of FB.
My parents didn't have this 21st century problem.
Simplemind
5-16-13, 4:30pm
I would say that there should be no problem with passively reading about her journey since she is somebody you care about. However, it seems that passive is not what your feelings are going to respect. Perhaps it would be best to stand back a little until some time has gone by. I can't help but think how lucky your son is. There are a lot of mom's out there that don't ever take the time to get to know the GF or act as if it is a competition. What you are feeling is special and it is totally understandable that you feel as if the break up happened to you as well. Take care.
*UPDATE*
Wow.
I just found out that my son is getting married to a "new" girlfriend (meaning this girl pretty much jumped on him when she found out he was available--three months ago when he broke up with L).
And...
they are having a baby. My first grandchild. (!!!!!!)
Is my head spinning?
I would say so.
Oh heavens, Catherine. I would say so.
I hope everything works out for the best for son, new fiancee, old girlfriend, and especially baby. And grandma ;)
fidgiegirl
7-26-13, 10:26pm
Wow! Yes, wishing for the best for all!
I was reading back over some of the older posts and I have to say I was surprised you are still FB friends with the Xs. I would not be a happy camper if my mom were FB friends with any Xs - maybe the ones from HS would be ok, but none more recent than that - especially if I'm not FB friends with the person (I know you didn't say if your kids are or are not). Just my two cents here, but my gut says the right thing is to unfriend altogether, especially if your children do not have an ongoing real-life relationship with the individuals. If there were no FB, say this was 10 years ago that this was happening, you'd have had the breakup, moved on, everyone living their lives, maybe happening upon the occasional update through the grapevine, but none of this everyday kind of connectedness, and that allowed for the space and time for things to heal. I vote for creating that space once more.
Hugs!
iris lilies
7-26-13, 11:59pm
I don't know about speculation of the "old days" offered here.
At one time a break up would have involved everyone in the community, or perhaps everyone in a church community. The mom of one of the romance participants might have seen the ex at church multiple times a week and would have maintained a kind of relationship with that person.
There are all kinds of olden days situations.
rodeosweetheart
7-27-13, 8:14am
Congratulations on the baby news, Catherine! I just had my first grandchild in March, and it is an amazing and wonderful experience, far different than what I expected, but truly wonderful. I actually went out and bought an iphone just so I could get pictures of the little guy.
Maybe try to rethink your perceptions of the situation--that she "jumped on him"-- I think maybe you are still grieving the loss of the first GF, as I have been known to do with my son. The one that had the baby is not the one that had the grieved for GF, which makes it much easier for me than for you. I have to be careful that I not talk about or think about the exes, since they are not a part of our family, and the new people are. My husband's family did this to me when we got married--I was the one they deemed to have "jumped on him" and I suppose I did, the way you jump on a life raft when you are drowning, lol. They kept in touch with his ex-wife, took her out to family functions, etc., and even, after we were married, called me by her name by "accident" for about 12 years. The funny thing is the ex and he were married for about 4 years, and we have been married for 15. They probably still think of me as and outsider, but then the are the kind of family that is always wanting things to be the way they used to be, circa 1965-1990. I guess they have accepted me now, but hte hurt that they caused me and my kids kind of lingers, unfortunately. So I guess I advise caution about pre-judging someone's motives in marrying one's loved ones, and about wishing for the old days with respect to the old partner. It can really throw a wrench into both the family and the new relationship, or cause estrangement between the loved one and the larger family unit.
Wow! Yes, wishing for the best for all!
I was reading back over some of the older posts and I have to say I was surprised you are still FB friends with the Xs. !
I know..FB requires some new rules for post-breakup etiquette to be sure. That's why I asked my kids what they wanted. Both didn't care if I remained friends on FB, but one said he didn't want me to respond to posts written by his XGF, like "likes" or "comments" but DD said she didn't care at all.
I still am FB "friends" with the XGF of my other son, but so is he. In fact, just the other day he posted an Instagram of himself with his sister and the XGF "liked" it, but that's really the limit of communication. I certainly don't post on her wall, but I will "like" things from time to time. I wouldn't call it a real relationship, just an acknowledgment of our past one.
But that's not unusual. My DS is friends with his ex (the ex before this last ex) in real life and she and her parents came to his graduation ceremony in May. I think you can move on from old terms of a relationship and create new terms. Sometimes that means no further contact and sometimes it doesn't, IMHO. My mother stayed in contact with my XBF way back when I was in my 20s, and it didn't bother me at all.
Thanks, rodeosweetheart! Thanks for sharing your experiences, the good (the baby!!) and the not-so-good (the in-laws hanging on to the past and making you feel like an outsider).
I would never do that to my DIL I don't think.. and maybe my choice of words "jumped on him" sounded worse than I meant them. She knew he had a GF and was interested in him from the time they met last fall. As soon as he broke up with his GF, she immediately planned an outing with him. And she's the one who proposed. And she's the one who suggested getting pregnant first and getting married second.
From what I can see, he's quite happy about it, which is all I care about. I'm just surprised, that's all, and caught off-guard. So far, I really like this girl and she seems to really like and respect our family, so I do not plan on being unwelcoming in the slightest. But when one minute DS is with GF-A and the next minute, not only is GF-A out of the picture, but there's GF-B/DDIL AND DGB.. well, it's just a slight mental adjustment.
SteveinMN
7-27-13, 10:30am
I don't know about speculation of the "old days" offered here.
Agreed.
My XW and my mom were friends when we were married (just the thing you want!) and remained friends after our divorce in 2001 (long before Facebook even existed). Initially my mom attempted to create "one big happy family" but we were clear that that wasn't going to happen. Neither one of us was the type that could divorce and stay "friends". And so it has remained to this day. We're civil/polite with each other. My mom frequently will relay what "interesting" thing XW has done with her life (there's an amount of co-dependency there) and I will stop her when the details are too numerous. Holiday celebrations are distinct; XW is not invited to our celebrations and we're not invited to the ones XW holds with my mom and brother. My mom has welcomed my DW with open arms, so there's no animosity or "second best" at all. But it was a bit of a rough road to keep XW away from things while I recovered from the divorce and did the work and that's without instant connection, just geographic locality and a wish for friendship.
fidgiegirl
7-27-13, 1:35pm
Well, that's true. I guess I was only thinking about my own life. Stoopid FB, it does kind of complicate things in a different way, though. I think we're all in agreement about that. But I wouldn't give it up, either, because for all the complications with new situations I have connections with others that I wouldn't have anymore if we were still in analog days.
rodeosweetheart
7-27-13, 9:15pm
when one minute DS is with GF-A and the next minute, not only is GF-A out of the picture, but there's GF-B/DDIL AND DGB.. well, it's just a slight mental adjustment.
Whoa, you are right--all this in 3 months--yowza, I wasn' tuning in on that. I'd be reeling.
jennipurrr
7-29-13, 10:47am
Whoa, you are right--all this in 3 months--yowza, I wasn' tuning in on that. I'd be reeling.
Yeah...that sounds crazy sudden! When I read it at first I thought it must be an "oops, suprise!" baby thing, but planning the baby after that short of time and planning to get married...big changes! However, my grandparents were engaged for six weeks and married 50+ years, so sometimes you just know!
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