The ultimate in cheapness [Archive]

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frugal-one

4-17-13, 5:26pm

I have a "friend" who I give a birthday gift each year. This past birthday I sent her a nice card with a gift certificate to a local greenhouse. She was not around for her birthday so that is why I mailed the gift. When it came time for my birthday she kept putting it off. So six months later she comes to my town for her annual dentist appointment (she lives 10 miles away) and says we should go out to lunch for my birthday. She would not do it sooner because she was not coming this way (ie didn't want to waste gas for her car). We went to the local cafe and she deemed it was too expensive. She said McD's had fish and fries for $3.50... would that be ok? What could I say? So we get there and she says "to go". We come back to my house and she pulls out a generic liter bottle of pop. We drink part of the pop and she takes the rest of the bottle home. Is it me, or is this the ultimate of cheapness? To add, this person has a nice govmt pension, as does her husband (his is upper govmt so VERY nice pension), they have an apartment building they get rent on, and they both get social security. I have decided this is the end of the "friendship". Obviously, she doesn't value me enough. I have to add that in prior years I sometimes threw away her "present". It was obviously something she picked out of a free box at a garage sale or spent very little on.

Gardenarian

4-17-13, 5:42pm

Wow. It is definitely NOT you; this is peculiar behavior. Maybe she doesn't like birthdays?? Is she really cheap in other ways?

My mom would always send dd a big box of crappy stuff from the dollar store and yard sales and spend a fortune to post it across country. Crazy. (DD liked the crappy stuff just fine, tho'.

razz

4-17-13, 5:44pm

Oh yuck, that sounds mentally ill not cheap. Definitely not a friend to keep.
Sorry that this happened frugal one. Hugs!!!!

Life_is_Simple

4-17-13, 5:53pm

Not just cheap, but unhealthy -> McDonalds.

On the other hand, I LOVE your idea of a greenhouse gift certificate. Thank you for the idea! :+1:

ApatheticNoMore

4-17-13, 5:58pm

This is what I mean by people who place saving money over friendship. "I continually turn down social invitations just to save money". Ok good luck with that, enjoy being scrooge mcduck alone with your pile of gold coins. And being on the receiving end I get pretty disgusted, but there is only so much you can do for other people's warped values, if they don't value the friendship, they just don't, and if that's how they treat all their friendships then it's a miracle if they have any friends at all. And I actually will bend over backward if I think someone is really broke, because this economy is sucking the life out of people and I get that, but geez mcdonalds fish sandwiches and a generic litter of pop for your birthday ...... :laff:

Mrs-M

4-17-13, 6:32pm

Not nice. Definitely not my kind of folk.

redfox

4-17-13, 7:49pm

It's sad... I wonder if you would both enjoy no presents, and a lovely walk in the park together instead? Do you appreciate her companionship in & of itself?

JaneV2.0

4-17-13, 10:27pm

It's sad... I wonder if you would both enjoy no presents, and a lovely walk in the park together instead? Do you appreciate her companion & of itself?

Exactly the question I had. I can put up with a lot of eccentricity in someone whose company I enjoy. One of my older relatives gave me a handful of perfume samples for Christmas once. I have no idea why, but I still found her entertaining.

Simplemind

4-18-13, 1:53am

redfox +1. Reading this makes me feel like there is more going on than meets the eye. What appears to be extreme cheapness directed at you could be part of a much bigger picture. I'm also puzzled at the idea that 10 miles is a long haul drive. There could be financial or scarcity issues and concerns. It would all depend upon how much you enjoy each others company.

Tussiemussies

4-18-13, 2:58am

I wouldn't base her being cheap on everything that happened. Even though it seems like financially she is doing great, you never really know what is really going on behind the scenes.

Don't base your feelings on what you gave her vs what she gave you. Do you talk on the phone often, you mentioned it was six months since she was in your town. Do you go to her house a lot?

This doesn't nessecarily mean that she doesn't value you, it might just be the way she is, and you can see once you de-personalize it how you feel about it then.

Hope this helps...christine

catherine

4-18-13, 6:56am

I'm with christine, redfox and Jane.. I'd skip the gifts altogether--especially if it's going to taint your friendship. I also agree that judgements of her financial status may be based on a perception, not a reality. I'd be inclined to enjoy her eccentricities rather than be offended by them--I don't think her cheapness was reflecting how she values your relationship. She probably has no idea you were affronted.

At the same time, I know how annoying extreme cheapness can be. My BIL can be like that. For instance, we invite him out with us every Saturday night when we go to our favorite sushi place and we always pay (once in ten times, he'll offer). After dinner the other night he said he wanted to go to an ice cream stand that we pass on the way home. So we stopped. He got in line ahead of me in a clumsy way, the way a little kid would do, but I brushed it off, assuming he wants to get there first so he can buy us dessert in exchange for dinner. So he got up to the counter, ordered his cone, and then paid for just his. DH and I laughed about it later--that's just him--nice guy but never the one to have great social skills when it comes to that kind of thing.

iris lily

4-18-13, 8:39am

Pretty much everything has been said that I'd think of. But let's assume there 1) really are no money issues on her part 2) is no mental illness.

Then she's showing you that she is either sick and tired of the tradition the two of you have about birthdays, or, she is tired of your relationship and doesn't how to break it off. It could be that if you drop the birthday thing (and frankly, I find those obligatory celebrations boring) that might infuse freshness into your relationship. If you two only get together to exchange a gift, there's not much to that relationship.

Float On

4-18-13, 8:40am

I've gotten to the point where if I really don't enjoy 85% of a person, I quit investing time in them.
If you like her outside of the cheapness issues, then make sure any time spent together doesn't involve gifts or eatting out. Next year....send a card and leave it at that. If she says anything next year like "I miss our gift exchanges" you can say "I noticed how frugal you are and I don't want to put any pressure on you to spend money on gifts or dining out, all we need are a chat and a hug."

razz

4-18-13, 9:30am

creaker

4-18-13, 9:39am

What stood out to me was waiting 6 months until she was in the area (which is only 10 miles away). She was not just cheap in terms of present, etc, she was incredibly cheap in terms of what she was contributing to your "friendship". Time and thoughfulness don't require money, but it doesn't sound like she was willing to "spend" much on these, either.

befree

4-18-13, 10:13am

"Expectations are a resentment waiting to happen." At this point, expecting generosity and normalcy from your cheap, weird friend is just asking for disappointment. I'm with everybody else - if you like her enough to see her when money or celebrations aren't involved, do that, and just be forewarned that if she ever suggests anything where spending money is involved, be ready with an alternative that's acceptable to you. If that's too much trouble, go on and cut her loose.

larknm

4-18-13, 11:51am

No way to know what's going on with her. I'm with redfox--do good things that cost no money--you might have to meet at the 5 mile place to get together for the hike, if she'll even do that. I would stop spending money on her, even a birthday card is too much. It sounds like she doesn't want the friendship to be on a financial footing, but again, no way to know.

ApatheticNoMore

4-18-13, 11:58am

I half wonder what any of the activities are that not only don't cost money themselves (that part is actually easy *if* the person actually likes to do free things - ever met the type who doesn't like to do anything free only likes things that cost money - but seldom has any money - I have - it's maddening) AND that don't require any driving (lest any gas money be wasted). I suppose you could just do the driving to where your friend lives all the time, but that's not even trying to give and take.

frugal-one

4-18-13, 2:27pm

Life_is_Simple

4-18-13, 2:43pm

Thanks for all the responses. The deal is that she is financially able and is just cheap. I believe the friendship is over. I am not going to pursue it further. I have known her since the early 90s and it is time to just cut the cord. I guess this was the last straw. I don't feel bad so this tells me it is time to quit trying to keep the friendship alive.
Do it, and don't feel any guilt.

We in this forum are immensely frugal, but mostly save money on things we don't value, in order to spend money on what we do value.

She has shown you that she doesn't value you.

[oddly, a person from my past has resurfaced, whose cord I cut 5 years ago. Just a text message, which I may ignore. Some of these people resurface because they have run out of people to annoy, and re-circle back. So you may hear from this person again someday! :laff:]

kitten

4-18-13, 3:38pm

Man, I've known so many people like this. The psychologists tell us that narcissism is a disorder, but I believe it's the human default. As babies we all start out thinking the universe is just a giant nipple with our name on it, but at some time you gotta adjust to reality. SO MANY PEOPLE are just unable to do this, though! I think about this all the time, and it stuns and saddens me. - These people can't be managed, changed, worked with at all. You just have to cut 'em off. I just did this the other day, and it felt really good! Like Vicky and Joe say, your life hours are limited. Don't waste any on people that suck!

The Storyteller

4-18-13, 9:30pm

This thread so reminds me of Sheldon Cooper's periodic dilemma on gift giving etiquette.

And just about as funny.