View Full Version : Letdown, or I Can't Get Used to this LIfestyle
If you're as old as I am, you'll recognize the second part of my title as a lyric from a Talking Heads' song! tee hee
Lately, I'm having a *really* bad time adjusting to my life. For those of you who are not familiar with my story, here it is in a nutshell:
After having a pretty good job (that I did not like much) for seven years, I was let go. I think I had some sort of a mini-breakdown at that point. I was convinced that I could never work again, nor did I have any desire to. I failed miserably at my last four jobs. I went through all the UC benefits that the government had to offer, COBRA, my emergency fund, and had to take money from my IRA. I thought I would start over in a new career and was planning to work and go back to school for my master's.
For one reason or another (which I won't go into here), I'm not sure I want to get my master's. My new job does not pay enough to cover all my expenses. I feel like I am getting hit with one thing after another. Since I started this job I've been hit with more than $3,000 in medical expenses that are not paid by insurance. I've never made enough to be able to save much, but a relative has given me money from time to time. He says he would rather I have it now than when he is dead (inheritance tax etc.) Because I've never really made much money, I depended and continued to depend on that money for extras (like clothes, modest vacations, being able to buy a decent car, etc.) I don't know how much more of that money he has in store and I'm afraid to ask. I feel that at my age I should be able to support myself--but I am underemployed and underpaid and though i am trying to find something else, it's really, really bad out there.
I'll get to the point: In addition to all of the above, I am having a very bad time emotionally with all this. A few years ago I started making art, and going to "art retreats." Some of the money came from said relative, and some I had saved up. Needless to say, I can't go anymore. I met a lot of really genuinely nice people at these retreats, but when I'm on Facebook lately, these folks' posts are all about "getting ready to go to Insert Name of Art Retreat Here." "Packed and headed for Beach Location of Art Retreat."
Obviously I can't tell people to shut up, nor can I shut down the feed of every artist I know who is going on retreats. I enjoy playing games on FB and staying in touch with people I'd never see otherwise, else I might consider quitting.
The problem is bigger than that. I feel as though I have no future. No retirement to look forward to, no vacations, no nothing other than being able to pay basic bills. I'm tired of this. I worked long and hard as an adult student to attend college. I bought into the whole "college gives you a future" lie. When I finally had a decent job, and was able to save toward retirement, the whole thing blew up in my face.
I am also dealing with some potentially serious undiagnosed health issues in a family member. I'm very worried. They're trying to rule stuff out but this is all taking time and money.
Yes, I know people are starving and in pain and living in war zones all over. Yes, I know lots of people are in the same boat. But I have been finding myself opening the paper, seeing the obits and thinking, "It'd just be easier and simpler if I could trade places with these people." Please don't get me wrong--I have no suicide plans and I am not standing on a chair with a noose around my neck.
I just don't see any reason to get up in the morning anymore. It's a constant battle not to be depressed all the time. I am so tired of trying to find another job (and believe me, the field I was in before is pretty cut throat; they don't want old people like me in it).
Please, if you're going to upbraid me for self-pity, then please do not respond. I know I sound like a whiny brat to some people. But this is really hard for me.
Thank you for just letting me let off some steam here.
Edit: I just wanted to add that I feel as though I have nothing to give to anyone anymore. I can't keep pretending to be "cheerful" and worrying about how I'm not boosting others' morale.
Blackdog Lin
4-24-13, 8:45pm
God, or Universe, or Power Above: please help frugalone. May you send down healing rays and soothing thoughts. She is a precious part of the cosmos, a precious part of the plan, and needs help right now. Thank you for your consideration, and amen.
Hey babe - this is gonna sound trite, but your life problems ARE temporary. Hang in there as best you can, till things get better. They most likely will, eventually.
I don't have any specific answers for you, but I want you to know I read this and appreciate and understand all too well where you are coming from, as I have been there myself, fairly recently (last year). I wholly applaud being able to come on here and vent all those pent up frustrations without (hopefully) judgements. Sometimes you just need to let it all out and tell the people who care about you that you are hurting. All I know is that everyday I woke up, swung my feet over the side of the bed, and hit the floor, even when I didn't want to. A lot of times I just went through the motions of being a "functioning" adult . I was stressed out, confused by so many options (all requiring money and time), and a serious lack of applicable skills to today's job market. I fretted a lot and bent everyone's ear about what I "should" do. It's a phase I had to go through, a long drawn-out phase of depression, lack of confidence, and worrying that I would become a bag lady in my old age, etc. All the worse possible scenarios would run through my head (I was working at the crazy guitar shop at the time, which incidentally just closed after 51 years in business). I wondered if I should go back to school, go into debt to go back to school, but realizing there wasn't anything I wanted to go back to school for that was worth going back into debt.
To make a long story shorter, I made it through. I work at Whole Foods as a deli counter person and it's okay for now. As an fine art major, I've never had high expectations for a "career" anyway. I have always just "gotten by" and most of the time that's okay.
I just wanted you to know that I care and kind of know what you are going through. One day at a time, as they say, and keep going through the motions of doing what you need to do to get employment and take care of yourself well.
try2bfrugal
4-24-13, 9:25pm
Sorry to hear you are feeling down. It sounds like you need some positive goals to work towards and a career making more money. Do you have a local community college near by? Maybe some career counseling would help along with going to school evenings to work towards a 2 year degree or some type of certification in a higher paying field. If you already have an undergraduate degree maybe you could find something that would take too many extra classes.
Do you ever read motivational books or watch motivational DVDs? Wayne Dyer, Barbara Sher or Brian Tracy?
early morning
4-24-13, 9:46pm
(((frugalone))). No words of wisdom, just a heartfelt "I hear ya". Sometimes, life is just a b!tch, isn't it.
SteveinMN
4-24-13, 10:33pm
I have no solution for you, either, frugalone, except to offer an ear and a shoulder (whichever you prefer). A couple of thoughts, though:
- It sounds to me like you might find it well worth it to speak with a psychologist or even a crisis counselor (the kind of help available through Employee Assistance Plans; if you don't have one of those, your college health service or county Web site or social-services department or even your local United Way should be able to steer you in the right direction). They should be able to steer you toward services which are either free or charge on a sliding scale. Even a session or two might let you vent in front of someone who is trained to recognize patterns, questions behind the questions, underlying issues, and so on.
- You're (understandably) in survival mode. As such, you need to decide where your energy goes. If you enjoy art, find some time for it. Instead of thinking of long bleak years ahead, look for even little positive things. When I burned out on my job a year ago, there were days when my morning shave, lunch, and the trip home were the highlights of my day.
And they were highlights: I spent a few dollars on a shaving soap in my favorite scent so I more enjoyed those few minutes each morning. I kept the room quiet. I tried to shave smoother and more efficiently each day. I know that probably sounds weird, but my morning shave was just for me and I had complete control over it; I could excel at it (or at least strive for excellence) -- it was one of the few things I felt masterful doing at that point, based on circumstances and my outlook and energy level. Even just walking outside at lunchtime and feeling the breeze on my face and the scent of the lilacs on the other side of the parking lot was "a good thing that happened that day". Look for the victories where you can find them. And cut yourself some slack some days: if a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch sounds so much better than a salad, eat a responsible lunch tomorrow.
One of those great lines I heard in my life is, "Pain is not a stopping point." It will take energy you may not think you can summon to get past this. But I think you can do it. There's support here; you could find more support elsewhere. Take time for you and make sure at least one good thing happens each day. It will help carry you through.
You're not alone out there in your job hunt frustrations. The way forward for many is no longer the conventional methods of job searching, more schooling, etc and ageism is very prevalent.
First thing is to realize that 99% of people only post the great things happening in their life on Facebook. You don't know how much credit card debt, etc a friend may have to make that artist retreat.
What is it about the Artist Retreats that you like most? The creation of the art? The people? or is it the complete retreat from your life?
If it's the art then make art. Could your work bring in some side money through Etsy or another venue? No one says your work life needs to be conventional, just what works for your needs.
(((HUGS)))
Joining with others and offering hugs and support.
frugalone, I hope some unexpected resources appear that you can use. Thanks for telling us all this, it's good for us who have been, are, or will be in a situation like yours.
Life_is_Simple
4-25-13, 1:42pm
You seem to need some of the burden taken off of you, because it is too heavy right now.
I like Steve's idea of seeing a counselor on a short-term basis. It might help to be able to unload on someone who might have ideas, and look at your issues from an objective point of view.
I have found that counselors will usually have some good ideas. Or at least they make you feel like some of the burden is taken off of you.
There might be other ways to lighten the load, that is the first one that comes to mind
AmeliaJane
4-25-13, 5:11pm
Sending support from here too...
I think SteveinMN has wise words to share about seeing a counselor or psychologist. They won't be able to help with the job situation, but will help you find ways to handle all the emotional pain that goes with it. The other point that Steve hit on in his story about shaving is related to something that psychologists sometimes prescribe for people with depression. Basically, they have found that doing pleasant activities daily (even if you don't "feel like it") helps, possibly because the endorphins of doing something you enjoy hang around and lift your mood even when you are done with the activity. Of course, the problem with depression is that people don't have the emotional energy to come up with something, so psychologists have lists of suggestions they use. Here is one http://www.raleighpsychology.com/pleasant.htm and if you want longer ones all you have to do is Google "list of pleasant activities." Some cost money, but plenty are inexpensive or free.
Look at it this way, the worst that can happen is that you do something you like every day...
Hope things improve soon...we are thinking of you
Thank you all for your help and suggestions. I really appreciate that no one is being critical of my state of mind.
I do have an Employee Assistance Plan. They only allow for four visits, and then the visits are a minimum of $25 (on a sliding fee basis). Right now I don't even know if I can afford that. My health insurance has no mental health allowance. I honestly don't think there is anything a therapist can do to help me, anyway. I spent many years in therapy and I still feel stuck in the same set of problems I've had for years.
Every night I try to think of five things to be grateful for that day. I do take walks and eat sensibly (I am on a rather strict diet due to a chronic illness, actually). I read a LOT. I am trying to do things I like doing.
Right now I'm trying to do a spreadsheet so I can see where I'm *really* at financially (i.e. is it as bad as I think it is). Hence my plea in another forum about a spreadsheet!
frugalone: my first thought on reading your post was "clinical depression." Some signs of depression are: fatigue, hair-trigger emotions (crying at little things, being irritable or flying off the handle about little things), lack of interest in things that would normally bring you pleasure, inability to get to sleep or stay asleep, thinking you might as well not be around any more. Modern anti-depressants can cost as little as $5/month, and don't cause serious side effects like doping you up or changing your personlity. I don't mean to push labels or medicines on you, but these drugs can be literal life-savers, within 2-4 weeks. Your family doctor can help with this. You weren't created to be miserable and unhappy, and it CAN change. Feel free to PM me if you wish.
ApatheticNoMore
4-25-13, 11:54pm
You're not the only one whose career has taken a hit due to the economy. And I often see the future as much darker economically than what once seemed the case. Though I figure that's just kind of the times we live in. Hang in there.
[QUOTE=frugalone;139119]If you're as old as I am, you'll recognize the second part of my title as a lyric from a Talking Heads' song! tee hee
Lately, I'm having a *really* bad time adjusting to my life. For those of you who are not familiar with my story, here it is in a nutshell:
After having a pretty good job (that I did not like much) for seven years, I was let go. I think I had some sort of a mini-breakdown at that point. I was convinced that I could never work again, nor did I have any desire to. I failed miserably at my last four jobs. I went through all the UC benefits that the government had to offer, COBRA, my emergency fund, and had to take money from my IRA. I thought I would start over in a new career and was planning to work and go back to school for my master's.
I'll get to the point: In addition to all of the above, I am having a very bad time emotionally with all this. A few years ago I started making art, and going to "art retreats." Some of the money came from said relative, and some I had saved up. Needless to say, I can't go anymore. I met a lot of really genuinely nice people at these retreats, but when I'm on Facebook lately, these folks' posts are all about "getting ready to go to Insert Name of Art Retreat Here." "Packed and headed for Beach Location of Art Retreat."
Obviously I can't tell people to shut up, nor can I shut down the feed of every artist I know who is going on retreats. I enjoy playing games on FB and staying in touch with people I'd never see otherwise, else I might consider quitting.
The problem is bigger than that. I feel as though I have no future. No retirement to look forward to, no vacations, no nothing other than being able to pay basic bills. I'm tired of this. I worked long and hard as an adult student to attend college. I bought into the whole "college gives you a future" lie. When I finally had a decent job, and was able to save toward retirement, the whole thing blew up in my face.
I just don't see any reason to get up in the morning anymore. It's a constant battle not to be depressed all the time. I am so tired of trying to find another job (and believe me, the field I was in before is pretty cut throat; they don't want old people like me in it). [/QUOTE=frugalone;139119]
I know just what you mean. I grew up "knowing" that a college education makes you set for life and that turned out not to be true. At 58 I'm nobody's ideal candidate for the kind of office work I used to do and have been out of work since I left my job to care for my late husband who had terminal cancer. By the time I could have gone back to work, the department I worked in had all been laid off except one. I've lived very sparingly on premature withdrawals from my small IRA, and now on the revenue from renting out the master suite of my condo on airbnb.com.
For a while I made it an adventure by writing a book about living a normal life on a very low income, but the book is pretty much done now. Writing the book transformed the experience from "Oh crap, I have no money" to "Hey, look what I can do with no money!", but that's kind of over now.
Twice this past week I didn't go to no-cost events because the people I would have ridden with were going out to eat afterwards and eating out is not that much in my budget.
I call it Frugality Fatigue. Poverty is boring and if I didn't have the internet I'd go nuts entirely.
I call it Frugality Fatigue. Poverty is boring and if I didn't have the internet I'd go nuts entirely.
Yes, I can see that. For a while it's frugality is an adventure but then it gets old.
I hope that you have some friends who are able to get together with bring-a-dish type of gatherings. An evening of potluck with games in someone's living room is inexpensive and fun entertainment. Here's where cheap ingredients can be whipped up into a great dish that people like a lot. As long as there is no alcohol, it is very inexpensive.
Going out to a restaurant gets old. Fortunately in my neighborhood there are plenty of book groups, card groups, dining-at-home-with-a-theme groups, etc and lots of opportunity to shine in the kitchen. I myself made paella for the first time last month for our Spanish themed dinner. That's inexpensive but I will admit that I spent more than I had to: fish heads, ugh, I'd leave them out next time.
awakenedsoul
4-26-13, 11:51am
Your neighborhood sounds great, iris lily.
frugalone,
When your savings has run out, everything becomes a financial issue. It's a heavy weight and it's always there. It helps me to read books by Napolean Hill. He emphasizes that your inner qualities are what create wealth. You have good discipline, you saved a lot of money, you are smart, experienced, and responsible.
When I was dancing I had to take a lot of "survival jobs" in between shows to pay my bills. I worked the desk at an aerobics studio, taught dance classes, was a pet sitter, and freelanced as a writer. It got me out of the house, around people, and I would hear about other jobs that way. It was always temporary. Some of my friends did data entry or catering. I applied at Albertsons here and they had an opening in the bakery. I kind of liked being a cashier at the farm where I worked as a side job when my business was just getting started.
When you want to quit, you are usually just at the tip of a breakthrough. I'm glad your uncle is giving you that money. That's very generous and it's needed right now.
Hi frugalone, you remind me of myself. I'm also an artist, but not exactly making it at the moment. Some of my work is being shown in Europe this summer, which sounds great - except I won't be able to make the trip to see it! I'm close to your age and have never traveled. Our income is almost completely sucked up by some temporary stuff that will get better, but we'll be supporting some of our family members for the long haul. I hate my job and dread my life on most days. There are some things that keep me going - my cat. She's a cranky old lady with an attitude, but I love her. I can't recall whether you said you have pets - and since you're going to be moving (I think I read that in another thread) it would make more sense to wait to acquire one in your future city. Might not be for you, but when I was at a very low point a few years ago, the only reason I was getting up was that my cat needed to be fed. And somehow, knowing he needed me, I was able to go on. I see you're an artist - do you have a place to work, or are you struggling with that right now? If you have a studio or a good working space, that's one thing you can be grateful for. Maybe do some art each day, just doodling or sketching. The other thing about that - make sure your stuff is online. Since I started putting my work online, I've acquired a pretty large network of contacts and pals, and some folks I wouldn't mind meeting in person some day if it were ever possible. It can really cheer you up to talk shop with another artist, share tips, etc. When people say they're grateful for your work, it can make you feel amazing - like your life really does matter, and you've given someone some joy, even if it's just one person. But putting your stuff online will allow you to reach a ton of new people, and it could be valuable for your business too. Another thing I would recommend - just get very egocentric for a while! Ha, most people say you should get out of yourself when you're feeling down. I feel that going the other way can be more helpful when you're really needing some basic self-care. Stop doing stuff for other people, and concentrate on what you need to do for yourself. I saw that you're starting a spreadsheet project so you can see exactly what's happening for you money-wise. Great! I know you don't have a lot of money for treats right now - but be good to yourself and take pleasure and joy in the little things. Like Steve said above, sometimes you only have a few minutes in the day when you even feel human - but it helps. And just try to build on that. - Anyway, know that a lot of us have been in your situation and will be there again. Life goes in cycles I find. It will get better, then worse, then better, then worse, then better! It's hard to feel good no matter what gets thrown at you, but your determination to improve your financial situation is a very smart strategy to undertake right now. Your courage is inspiring to me! Thanks for the post!
I know just what you mean. I grew up "knowing" that a college education makes you set for life and that turned out not to be true. At 58 I'm nobody's ideal candidate for the kind of office work I used to do and have been out of work since I left my job to care for my late husband who had terminal cancer. By the time I could have gone back to work, the department I worked in had all been laid off except one. I've lived very sparingly on premature withdrawals from my small IRA, and now on the revenue from renting out the master suite of my condo on airbnb.com.
For a while I made it an adventure by writing a book about living a normal life on a very low income, but the book is pretty much done now. Writing the book transformed the experience from "Oh crap, I have no money" to "Hey, look what I can do with no money!", but that's kind of over now.
Twice this past week I didn't go to no-cost events because the people I would have ridden with were going out to eat afterwards and eating out is not that much in my budget.
I call it Frugality Fatigue. Poverty is boring and if I didn't have the internet I'd go nuts entirely.
A friend of mine calls it "anorexic living." Frugality is one thing when it's voluntary, something else entirely when it's not.
BarbieGirl
4-26-13, 8:19pm
((Hugs)). I'm so sorry you are going through this, frugalone. I wish there was something I could do or say that would help you. All I can do is give you support and friendship. Life is so hard sometimes, and unfair....but it is also often sweet and wonderful. I'm hoping the sweet and wonderful finds you soon.
In friendship,
Barbie
awakenedsoul
4-26-13, 8:28pm
I have a couple of bookmarks that frugalone made and they are absolutely gorgeous! I ordered one for my mom, too. She loves it! My gut still says the issue is what we discussed before, frugalone. You can't afford to be responsible for someone else. It's too draining, on many levels.
I hear ya, I really hear ya. I just almost got back on the 'more education' road but honestly I haven't seen much help it has given me. I think so very much of the world has changed and some of us are just floating in survival mode. I love the term 'anorexic living', that is good. It feels like that so much. I cannot even predict what will happen next to hit me financially and there is a point where hope just hurts. So many hope that are long gone but meanwhile I feel like (and my mom confirms this) that many of us are working so much harder and getting so much less, and much less security for sure. At a time when the economists are saying we may not be able to retire as early there are so many people in their 50"s who cannot find work at all.
Here is what I think we need to re-invent, the new kind of community. For me the killer is that I don't know neighbors, I don't go out with people from work, I have 2 friends who have cancer so that limits our hanging out, and we honestly need in person time and occassionally a hug or physical contact to be healthy. I feel that if we can re-invent some type of community that is in person then we will be able to weather some of this.
Bottom line, if you are in Colorado I would love to have you over for a glass of tea and just hanging out. Meanwhile get some of that in a virtual way.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.