View Full Version : Major health issue for estranged immediate family member
I received a voice mail tonight (I never pick up the phone when certain people call) that an immediate family member from whom I've been estranged for a good many years is in the hospital. Said family member was taken to hospital this morning via ambulance. Told the family member who called to let me know.
Said person has treated me like dirt for many years. There's a whole ton o'baggage there. Talking to this person is never a pleasant experience. Never ends well. Nothing will change with this person being in hospital. I can't control this person's behavior towards me, but I can control my reaction.
I simply sent flowers with a very neutral "get well soon" message.
Tussiemussies
4-26-13, 1:03am
Sounds like a good way to handle this situation. You know your boundaries and what is healthy for you, yet you acknowledged the other person in a healthy way...
ToomuchStuff
4-26-13, 3:58am
Does the person that called you, typically try to make excuses for the estranged person? Is there a repeating pattern here?
I realize you are probably venting. Just want to point out, that only you know past patterns, to try to figure out if they are trying to make peace at the end, or if they are just trying to still control.
With the various experiences I have had, most I wouldn't contact, a couple I might send Lilly's to.
Actually the person now in the hospital is the controlling one. The one who called was the one whose actions caused the estrangement. They're married. I doubt I will return the phone call. The flowers were a way of acknowledging the hospitalization without further contact.
Tradd. I admire you for your levelheadedness and class.
Life_is_Simple
4-26-13, 10:40am
The flowers were nice! :+1: Leave it at that.
awakenedsoul
4-26-13, 6:27pm
That sounds really nice. I would trust your gut.
BarbieGirl
4-26-13, 8:47pm
Tradd,
i think it was classy of you to acknowledge the person in the hospital with flowers, card with a message wishing them health. You can't help who you are related to, or control how they respond/behave, but you CAN control your response, and you did that beautifully, IMO.
It's so hard dealing with difficult people, especially those whom you should be close to and love, but can't because of their behavior. You could spend your whole life caught up in the dramas, etc., but why waste your time and your life continuing to beat your head against that particular door?
Barb
Agree with the comments above. Flowers were a polite but neutral response.
Tradd, great way to protect yourself.
I would have done the same, Tradd. I protect myself from toxic people at all costs, but I try to be polite, even kind, while I do it. Sounds like you toed that line very well.
Gardenarian
4-29-13, 2:32pm
Difficult situation. I hope there are no further repurcussions. These things can be so disturbing.
domestic goddess
4-29-13, 3:21pm
Way to go, Tradd. You acknowledged that you received the info, and made no committment to go any further. I hope they leave you alone now!
That was a very good way to handle it. And you maintained boundaries in a situation where it's easy to forget or feel guilty about them (you) and there's others expecting you to do it (them).
Actually they have called back twice: once to thank me for the flowers and a second time to give me an update. I've not called them back either time. Both times they've called when I was unable to take the call.
The ill family member had another "event" like the first one that put this person in the hospital, a week later. The second one happened after the doctors had sent person home. The doctors want to do surgery, otherwise this person will not survive, yet they're waiting for reasons I don't know.
This morning I received a VERY verbally abusive voice mail from another immediate family member, haranguing me for not calling the person in the hospital. I only listened to a little bit and then deleted voice mail. I'm going to block this person's number on my mobile carrier's website. I'm livid that the person in the hospital gave the one who called today my number. I've not seen or talked to the person who called today for at least 12-13 years. We never got along when growing up. To give you an idea of the people I'm dealing with, I'm told his wife threw a major hissy fit when I refused to drive 12 hours (round trip) on short notice for their wedding, I think it was 10 years ago.
Lordy. Your instincts are spot on and the most recent actions from those people is proof that they do not deserve to be part of your life.
This family stuff is so hard.
I might as well just come out with it -
Person in hospital is my mother (strokes). Person who has been calling is my father, and my younger brother (only the two of us) is the one who called today.
(((Hugs))) Stay strong, your actions seem to be the best possible considering the situation and the people in it.
Family dynamics can be so intense!
I'm sorry that your mom is in the hospital, what they are all going through, and that your decided to abuse you over it. I think keeping your distance is the right thing, and if you feel that you need to visit or call your mother (ie, if you think she is passing and think that you would like to see her), and you do, then that is a good thing. And if you do not feel that you need to visit or call your mother, and you don't, then that is a good thing.
Simpler at Fifty
5-12-13, 4:57pm
You are doing the right thing Tradd by staying out of it. They are toxic and you need to take care of yourself.
chrisgermany
5-13-13, 4:00am
You do not owe them. If you do not take care of yourself nobody will.
ToomuchStuff
5-14-13, 12:28am
They (your mom) may be calling to try to make peace before she passes. If it is too late, best to just let them know, if they do get in touch. I have a friend whose father was trying to get in touch with him, via other relatives, when he knew he was dying. He had tried to kill his son. Sometimes it might be easier to get a different phone number, and pass it on to those you deal with.
I might as well just come out with it - Person in hospital is my mother (strokes). Person who has been calling is my father, and my younger brother (only the two of us) is the one who called today.
Many react unpredictably when faced with death. I'm sorry your Mom is so ill.
Have you forgiven them for their tresspasses? I don't mean you have to suddenly become the perfect (in their eye) daughter/sister. But if you can forgive and let them know for what you are forgiving them for and still make it clear that you can't have them in your life for your own sake. It may put the whole issue to rest (at least for you). Personally, I'd do it by letter and say that you are at peace with what was and what is and do not want to be contacted in the future for any reason. You have already gone thru the grief stages of the death of those relationships and will not return phone calls or open any mail. You'll probably have to repeat several times that you are at peace and will not enter those relationships again.
Have you forgiven them for their tresspasses?
Float On (and others...), as a non-Christian, I would love to hear more about this concept. I don't want to hijack this thread, so maybe we could move it... I am very compelled by this phrase. There are a few people in my life that I need to stop being angry & sometimes bitter towards, and I am very interested in the spiritual principles & practices that you have experienced that were guided by this. Thanks...
I'll start a new thread redfox. It will be interesting to get a variety of thoughts on the importance of forgiveness (and how it affects the forgiver more than the forgivee).http://www.simplelivingforum.net/showthread.php?8172-Importance-of-forgiving-others&p=141795#post141795
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