View Full Version : Need your input, prayers, and different POV's...
My mom is getting surgery next week and has spent *no* time thinking of the aftercare and mobility/ADL part of it. She is getting arthroscopic surgery on her ankle and they will also be drilling the talus to promote blood flow to the area. My brother is an anesthesiologist and asked his friends if they knew a doctor who could help and that is how she found this guy. There was no second opinion or third. I took her to a doctor who is doing PRP (Platelet Rich Plasma) and he gave her a 85% reduction in pain over a 6 month time period....and she refuses to try it.
The only person who will be there in the house with her is my dad....they do not have a good relationship at all. My brother has no relationship with my dad other than to degrade him...he learnt it from my mother. My father and I were not consulted at all prior to the surgery being scheduled...and the two of us are EXPECTED to take care of my mom during her recovery which is 4 weeks of no weight bearing, physical therapy, dr's visits, and total time of 4 months.
I am just appalled at the lack of consideration, the lack of thinking, and the lack of prepping for this major surgery. Any attempts to talk to my mom and brother are absolutely ridiculous....they are accusing me of over-reacting.
I feel like I am losing my mind here....>:(
Citrine, I can understand why you're frustrated, especially since you offered her help & she chose another route. I wonder why you believe you're expected to do aftercare? Has this been explicitly said to you? You are an adult, and you can choose your involvement.
Please consider what you are willing and able to give with no sense of obligation, no strings attached, and no hard feelings. That is what I would encourage you to do, and no more. Your parents are adults, and it is not your job to rescue them, never has been, no matter how bad their relationship.
If you are concerned about your mom's well being, you could suggest that a social worker from the hospital come in to discuss her after care with her, and whatever family she wants present. That's what social workers do, and they are out of the family system, so they can deliver information from a neutral stance. You could also talk with the social worker privately about your concerns.
In the end, though, this is about you establishing the boundaries you need & want, gently, and holding to those.
redfox, thumbs up on that response.
Citrine, you are dealing with adults and have to let them make their own decisions. AND live with their own decisions. It is between your Mom and Dad. You are only pulled in if you let yourself be. Give what you can and don't feel guilty if you cannot do more. They can hire any nurse or type of care that they need. The service is available everywhere.
I love my parents and inlaws but have already told them and my husband that I am not a nurse. Period. Be very clear and up front right now about what you are willing and happy to provide. It is not your decision on what they choose to do only how you choose to be involved.
Please tell your mom in clear words. Mom and Dad, I can do x hours a week and these are the jobs that I am willing or able to do. NO MORE. You will have to hire the rest. Mom please think about what you are asking us to do.
However, it sounds as if the family dynamics are mother/son versus father/daughter. You need to remove yourself from the middle of the mother/father relationship. Another suggestion is to tell them both to hire the necessary nursing work with financial assistance from your brother if needed and step out of the wbe hole thing.
So:
1) Do not involve yourself in the decision on what to do. She will only listen to your brother.
2) Decide on what you can do gladly to help them.
3) Tell them. (You might even write it down so you can read it later and remember what you told them.)
4) Step back and do not involve yourself in the arguments. (They will try hard to guilt you and make you feel bad.) "Mom or Dad, remember that I told you XX, please hire XX for what you need."
Please do not get in arguments on what is appropriate for you to do. It is YOUR decision.
Thank you....I met with mom yesterday and she told me that she is practicing on her scooter. DH and I are going there tomorrow to move her box spring and make the area accessible for her. My brother is taking her on Tuesday for the surgery....I will leave that all to him including getting her in bed after the whole ordeal. I have prayed and figured out what I am able to do without any resentments and I can go there for a couple of hours a day to help out...that is what I am sticking to.
I gave them the contact info for the social worker at the senior center, they have someone that will be cooking the indian food for them, and they think that is enough. I will let them handle it all instead of freaking out about "what if" stuff.
As for the expectation of taking care of her....it is the indian way....I would get so much crap for not helping and guilt for the rest of my days!
Citrine, it sounds like you are an Indian family? One of my close friends in high school was Indian and I know there were some very strong family feelings about taking care of each other and the family. I think that no matter what it would be hard if their plans were not good enough and your mom was somehow in pain or not fed or whatever she needed. It is very hard to find that way through it to not get sucked into the emotions but still honestly care about what is happening. I know that more than years ago people are being sent home with a lot of self care tasks when they used to stay in the hospital longer which makes me worried about my family at times.
I hope the procedure goes really well, maybe all those wonderful recovery drugs will make her a mellow person for a few days.
I am hoping that all goes well you you, mostly, but also for your mother and the rest of your family. None of this stuff is ever easy.
Update....I prayed a LOT last week....for acceptance and the greater good. I talked to my mom last night and she is sick (fever, aches,flu) and has to cancel the surgery for Tuesday! She is also reconsidering the surgery and is going to think this through. She thinks this is a sign from God :) I am soo relieved, I really did not have a good feeling about this. Yes, we are Indian....known best for our family dysfunctions and the guilt trips ;)
Update....I prayed a LOT last week....for acceptance and the greater good. I talked to my mom last night and she is sick (fever, aches,flu) and has to cancel the surgery for Tuesday! She is also reconsidering the surgery and is going to think this through. She thinks this is a sign from God :) I am soo relieved, I really did not have a good feeling about this. Yes, we are Indian....known best for our family dysfunctions and the guilt trips ;)
Blessings on everyone, and especially your Mom, as she works her way through this decision. And, please let me reassure you... Family dysfunctions & guilt trips seem to be pretty ubiquitous in most families! I'm glad you have a reprieve.
SteveinMN
4-29-13, 11:57am
And, please let me reassure you... Family dysfunctions & guilt trips seem to be pretty ubiquitous in most families!
I was going to say that just about every culture/ethnicity/religion I know of thinks they have cornered the market on guilt! :laff:
Gardenarian
4-29-13, 1:40pm
Citrine - I do hope this all works out for the best, for all of you.
I was going to say that just about every culture/ethnicity/religion I know of thinks they have cornered the market on guilt! :laff:
Family dysfunctions and guilt trips are really an equal opportunity thing, there's no discrimination.
To the above excellent posts, I'd like to add this point of view: if total care is required at home in the future, does your father's doctor think he is healthy enough to lift your mom, help her in/out of bathtub etc, and do all housework/cooking/shopping? Wouldn't do family any good to have your dad sprain his back and be immobile, too! Short stay at a nursing home or rehab hospital after hospital discharge might be safest option, in spite of family expectations.
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