Kinda a horrible question

[Zoe Girl]

at least for the softie types among us, the ones who find every injured puppy and feel compelled to save them.

Would you work as hard to help a friend that you disagreed with on several key topics as you would a friend you agreed with more? I am thinking topics like politics that do not directly affect the situation where they need a helping hand.

I have a friend who just had another horrible string of events. I am feeling different this time, I usually want to help and sometimes get frustrated because she will say she needs help but then I offer what I can within my schedule and abilities and then she does not answer the phone. This time I do not want to offer and I am a little annoyed. I also have read on her facebook some political views that are an extreme of one side, even if I was in general on that side of politics it is extreme enough to wander out of reasonable truth. I can tell you when my side of things is out of bounds I can admit it. A small part of not offering help is honestly that I don't want the political topic to come up while I am giving her a ride to repair her car or something, so in that way it may affect me. I don't feel it should, if I am a friend then I have accepted some differences.

In any case, I must admit that this time I see that knowing we have extreme differences (plus the fact she rarely answers the phone even when she may need help) is affecting if I offer help.

[RosieTR]

I don't think it's horrible. Humans naturally gravitate towards those with whom one feels a greater connection, and that's often because of some sort of shared experience. You have offered help before so she must know if she really needs it that you might be willing and that's kindness itself anyway. I have a few friends like that-I keep them at arms length a little because on some certain deep levels there's a pretty good rift. But I don't cut them off completely because there still are some things we can share, and I try to focus on that during any interaction.

[redfox]

Of course I would, and we do, as well as being supported now during my cancer treatments by friends & family with differing viewpoints. I learned the value of this while living in a small, rural community, when I went through two major fires & a divorce. Love and community surpass political beliefs & religious boundaries, in my experience. It all starts in one's own heart.

[puglogic]

Is this truly a friend -- someone with whom you have a reciprocal caring relationship?

It sounds as though she doesn't appreciate the care that you DO give her. Are the situations she finds herself in life-threatening?

I would be thinking of these things more than I would think of political stances. Though oftentimes, I've noticed that when someone takes a harsh, xenophobic political stance, one that is primarily rooted in concern for money/property/avoidance of personal inconvenience/avoidance of "supporting those people", that can sometimes predict how they behave in the rest of their life. It's an interesting dynamic: When I help them, it is expected. When I need help, it is an inconvenience because "I should've...." done this or that 20/20 hindsight thing -- MY fault, therefore my problem. Those "friendships" typically don't survive.

Are they there for you?

[razz]

Simply set boundaries on small ways that you are able to offer to help her with set time frames and let it go. If she calls in that time frame or need, you can respond.

Some people give a gift coupon of personal time for a coffee, a ride to work, - whatever works for you - good for a specific time period that you know is available and then, if it used, good and if not, you have offered and then let it go.

When people go through serious challenges, they become overwhelmed with the amount of thought, energy and time it takes to cope, as you and I both know. They cannot think/respond as rationally.

Often too, when challenges are overwhelming, some people go to the more rigid ways of thinking so that as least that part of their lives is under control. It could be religion, politics, family relationships etc.

[Zoe Girl]

Hmm good point, the rise in her political postings seems to follow times when she is feeling more stressed and out of control as I can see. The latest is something about how the government will court martial soldiers for talking about their Christian faith. When i went over to help her after a major surgery we had the news on and she was defending assault weapons to me, I did the dishes. It would make sense that this is a function of stress.

Overall she is very independant and when a crisis comes up she doesn;t tell me or really let me help. Like the one time she actually had me pick something up at the store she insisted on paying me and really overpaying me for the items. She also has not had any help from government resources and the political viewpoints she has supports being independant, however she has been living on the edge of desperation for some time.

Honestly I know she is struggling with depression on top of everything but I have a hard time following our same pattern where I try hard to offer some help and I get little to no response. I even gave her a gift certificate with my hairdresser over a year ago and offered to meet her there to watch her son and she has never been able to use it. I guess there is a sense of not being let in to do anything and so I don;t want to be in the emotional drama of worrying when there is nothing I can do, I will stick with compassion and sending thoughts unless she opens a door.

[catherine]

Of course I would, and we do, as well as being supported now during my cancer treatments by friends & family with differing viewpoints. I learned the value of this while living in a small, rural community, when I went through two major fires & a divorce. Love and community surpass political beliefs & religious boundaries, in my experience. It all starts in one's own heart.

+1

[SteveinMN]

Depression can be very powerful. It certainly could inhibit a response to a friend's outreach. The accompanying negative feelings certainly could make one think that a beauty appointment -- especially one requiring someone else to watch a child -- was something undeserved and undesirable. And my experience is that, in times of stress, I revert to some behaviors I rarely see in myself in more peaceful times.

Every friendship has its boundaries; things the friends are willing or unwilling to do for each other based on connection, feelings of obligation, need, distance,... I would go right ahead offering, knowing that the bread you're casting on the waters may just float away -- or eventually will be a soggy but necessary source of nutrition for your friend. Based on history, however, I would not totally rearrange my life waiting for her call. If your friend does end up taking you up on your offer to drive, if/when she starts a topic you don't want to discuss, I think it's absolutely fair to interrupt her and say that you just don't want to discuss that topic -- and then find another subject to discuss, like the scenery you're passing or the weather or a movie you're looking forward to seeing. Helping another human does not have to be utterly selfless. You are allowed to retain your own values and boundaries.

[Zoe Girl]

Red, I am glad that you have people helping you regardless of the rest of things. I have another friend with cancer and she started off with her first bout (4 times now) being pretty ok and not wanting help. She really wanted to feel better by keeping up with life as normal and I can respect that. Then this last time she has let me see her in the hospital and has a boyfriend helping her out. We do not always see eye to eye on religion and politics but over the last few years she has learned to accept a little bit of help and answer calls when she has procedures and we get worried. I could even bring her dinner if I had the time, something she has refused previously.

I am worried to some extent about this friend however past history says that I can do very little to help her. Sometimes the hardest lesson is letting people help us and letting go of a little control. I say that from my own experience, not that anyone else needs that

[sweetana3]

Another viewpoint is that she may have an entirely different viewpoint on assistance. When I am seriously sick or having an issue, there are some people I do not want around. One friend is overly compassionate and empathetic. She almost drives me crazy. We are just on opposite ends of the U curve in needs. She needs to be helpful to the extreme and I need to do for myself.

And yet, I know she and her husband would help in any way that they could IF I felt I needed it and asked. That in itself is a wonderful thing.

[Gardenarian]

Political views? I don't think that would influence me. My in-laws have politics that are absolutely the opposite of mine, but are lovely people just the same.

Would I help a friend I didn't really like as much as one I really enjoyed being with? Well, no! But I don't have friends that I don't like.

[Blackdog Lin]

Gardenarian: you've kind of hit the nail on the head that has been bothering me through this whole thread - but I couldn't quite articulate it. Like you, I don't have friends I don't like.

So I don't have many friends.....but the few I have are deep ones, and I would throw the body off the bridge if they needed me to. And I would not hesitate to ask them to do the same for me. Which they would.

[iris lilies]

I think that you can have friends whose political views are not yours. yes, totally.

[Zoebird]

I think you can have friends who disagree, too.

But, flip side, it's also ok to say that you don't want to discuss it with them. If it's too heavy, I'm just honest and say "you know, i think it's best if we don't talk about this, there are so many other things for us to talk about anyway!"