Do I try to resolve the issues with a friend or just let it be? [Archive]

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Diamond_

5-10-13, 9:21am

I'll try to keep the story as short as possible. I probably posted about my issues with a friend here before.

Background info: had a best friend for over 2-3 years, she got serious with her boyfriend and I was shoved back to the background. We don't hang out anymore, talk maybe once every two/three weeks when we used to talk and text every day and hung out twice a week.

So two months ago there was this party and I got the feeling she ditched me (She was there with me and her boyfriend, I went to get a drink, she was gone, I texted her where she was, no reply, I texted her when I went home half an hour later, a reply came 13-14 hours later) and she acted like nothing was wrong. I felt so ditched and dumped then, so bad I'm still not over it.
Since then I can't really get myself to acting normal towards her. I make less effort into meeting up (which remains unnoticed so that gives me the vibe she doesn't care), she only hangs out with her boyfriend, her sister and her brother in law when she goes out, and a friend that can't stand me (nor can I stand her). So I feel there's no more space left in her life for me.

Now I was upset about this for a long time, I still am since she doesn't let me in on anything in her life anymore, things are going on and I don't know jack about them, but to be honest I don't feel like I can tell her everything that happens in my life either, just because I get the vibe she doesn't care.

So anyway, I'll see her tomorrow since she's gonna drop by some stuff of mine, I don't know if she'll hang around to talk or not. But if she does hang around, I'm getting the feeling it'll be awkward because I'm too stubborn to try to talk about our friendship AGAIN. (Mind you, when I got the feeling we didn't talk or hang out anymore I talked to her about it, which was in October last year, she said things would change and I told her I miss her and hanging out. Nothing changed. We did hang out a few times since then, but never just the two of us. We were meeting up for a drink this week but the weather wasn't all that so we didn't text to let one another know if we could and would hang out). So she knows I miss her and the times we had, but I do know it's normal that she has to spend a lot of time with her boyfriend, ofcourse, but I feel like I'll get cut out of her life completely.

So my issue is: do I try to talk about our friendship ( or lack of it) AGAIN when I see her tomorrow or talk about the party where she ditched me? Or don't talk about it at all?
I have no clue what to do so if any of you have advice or opinions, I'll be happy to hear them!

nswef

5-10-13, 10:03am

Oh Diamond, It is hard when someone you thought was a lifetime friend turns out to be a temporary friend. I wouldn't bother talking to her about any of your feelings. Just get your stuff, chat as if she's not meaningful to you and move on. There are other people out there that you will find. This from a 64 year old who has seen many "friendships" come and go. There are very few that last a lifetime. But even temporary friends are valuable to you and your growth. Keep the good memories.

Diamond_

5-10-13, 10:12am

Simplemind

5-10-13, 12:12pm

I think her actions are speaking louder than her words. Her words don't add up to much either. This is a very hurtful thing. It puts you in the position of feeling like there is something lacking in you. Friendships take work and sometimes the other half isn't up to the work. There could be other things below the surface. It could be that her boyfriend is taking up much of her time and as a couple they aren't in to single friends. What ever it is, she has answered your question by her actions. I would gently suggest that you don't chase after the friendship. For some reason the chemistry has changed and as hard as it is to accept, it is less hurtful than continuously being rebuffed. It is all too common I'm afraid. Hugs.

SteveinMN

5-10-13, 12:49pm

Sadly, Diamond_, I think your friend is telling you quietly that she has moved on. It may be that she wants to spend more time with her boyfriend; it may be that she hasn't yet figured out how to balance her existing friendships with the attention she wants to give a boyfriend; it may be that the boyfriend doesn't want her spending time with her friends (I know that sounds dark and ugly, but it happens). I've been where you are, and it does hurt. I would just keep the doors of communication with your friend open. There's no need for desperate behavior on your part. It may be that your friend will be willing to pick up again on the friendship if/when she breaks up with her boyfriend and realizes she's neglected some friends along the way. Of course, then you get to decide if you're willing to pursue the friendship again, too. It can take a while to restore closeness in a relationship -- if it can be done at all. Good luck.

Float On

5-10-13, 1:52pm

Its hard to see friendships change, but they do.
Be thankful for what she meant and go ahead and move on yourself. I've given up plenty of friend over the years when it wasn't an equal relationship. I want friends that are just as interested in me as I am in them. When it becomes one-sided or when the friend only is interested in talking about themself.....it's time to move on (and be thankful it didn't end with a huge loud fight with hurtful things being said).

Diamond_

5-10-13, 4:31pm

You're right, thanks for all the advice! I'll just try to act normal and friendly but not "oh tell me everything about what's going on in your life!" Guess I'll have to see how things are and move on :)