View Full Version : I had a date,hmm
So I had a date with a guy that I used to talk to about a year ago, we met once for coffee and then just let it fall off. A lot of it was my life being very stressful and crazy I didn't want that in a new relationship and I didn't know how I felt about him or another guy I was talking to. Basically took a year off,.
So anyway he got back in touch and we have been texting and then met for lunch yesterday. It was a nice time, Indian food and good conversation. Not a huge amount of 'buzz' I guess, the overwhelming attraction thing, but I was feeling a lot more comfortable by the end. Of course then I have to have an issue, lol, well I don't think I made this up or went looking for a problem. later he texts me for awhile and it all revolves around how much he likes me, some about the great energy he got from me, and basically back to how much he likes me. How do you respond to that unless you feel like going all mushy back? I am not a mushy person so I told him I had a great time, great converstaion, and then tried to get him to talk about what else he has been doing or something of some substance so we can get to know each other.
I think I almost have my answer just in writing this, I will see how it goes but I really am uncomfortable with just hearing 'you are so great' instead of real conversation.
I totally know what you mean, Zoe Girl! I just went through that (and am still dealing with, in some ways) that guy I "dated" for almost a year. All that mushiness makes me feel really uncomfortable, the constant texting, the constant "I've been thinking about you" stuff just about every single time he texted to thank me for giving him so time, etc). Trying to build a relationship by doing all the *right* things freaks me out because I do not respond to that, at all. Then I staredt feeling guilty for not having the same feelings and kept wondering what was wrong with me because the guy was so nice and attentive and always wanted to do stuff for me, basically making himself practically indispensible with his help. I don't know why (well, I guess I kind of do, based on how my dad was/is) I just don't respond romantically to someone like that...
However, my experience aside, I applaud you that you went out on a date and put yourself out there! Good for you! Now I am trying to make my last dating experience a good learning one, which it has been for the most part. I am now firm in not getting *really* involved (ie, sleeping together because they are available) if I don't have the right gut feeling about it.
ApatheticNoMore
5-12-13, 12:32pm
So how well do you know this guy? I mean sure you might just not be a match, and if that's obviously so then end it, but the thing is, and maybe it's an introvert thing, is that my feelings just don't move that fast. I just don't meet someone and like them quickly, it's a long slow process. And to the extent that the pressure is to get to that fast well reason gazillion that I hate dating! Dating has only *ever* actually worked where I knew the guy non-romantically prior to dating. I mean yes there *should* be a way to get online dating to work (since it's the easiest way to find dates I guess) etc. but ....
iris lilies
5-12-13, 12:54pm
... later he texts me for awhile and it all revolves around how much he likes me, some about the great energy he got from me, and basically back to how much he likes me. ..
So was this one long texting session or multiples? I can't tell from you post. Did he send only two messages to tell you that he likes you? If that's the case, that's not excessive.
How do you respond to that unless you feel like going all mushy back?...
"Thank you, that's nice of you to say."
I think I almost have my answer just in writing this, I will see how it goes but I really am uncomfortable with just hearing 'you are so great' instead of real conversation.
Sure, agreed. Maybe though give him another chance or two to relax and not chatter about "how great you are" because it may bej ust nervous, mindless chatter. Or maybe that's all he is capable of and if so, you move on.
Okay so over a couple days and 30-40 ish texts I would say about 10 of them are the 'you are so special' and "I really like you" type of texts. I have asked him questions to draw out some conversation and that has worked a little bit.
I think there is the introvert thing, I like deep conversations, take my time to get to know people, have interesting self-driven hobbies and tasks I am always doing so there is something to talk about (at least I think I am interesting that way, I was reading Snow White in French so we talked about fairy tales and the adaptations they go through). It is rare to ask me 'what are you doing' and get something dull in response but I have had this with a few guys I started the online talking leading up to a possible date that they simply have nothing to say. Not sure if it is the format of being online or the nature of the people. But we have lots of interesting conversations here so it is very possible to have a real conversation. Reading over the "gut" thread I realize I also have my list of both things I want and things that are a red flag. What I definitely want is someone who can have conversation on a reasonably intellectual level, and has a sense of humor,
Red flags. Too much too fast. If your gut is uncomfortable, pay attention. If he is amping up when someone sensitive to the give & take would back off, to me that means he is focused on his needs, not on you.
good point red, I am just keeping the level of contact where I am comfortable and not feeling pressured into getting all mushy when it is just too soon. Just awkward at this point but lots of new relationships can be awkward and I will give it a little time. In general I realize I am feeling awkward about letting anyone too close to me. It is mother's day and I have had no idea what to do for my daugther who is a birth mother, that is pulling me inward (I got her a rose in a vase, there are no cards for this)
good point red, I am just keeping the level of contact where I am comfortable and not feeling pressured into getting all mushy when it is just too soon. Just awkward at this point but lots of new relationships can be awkward and I will give it a little time. In general I realize I am feeling awkward about letting anyone too close to me. It is mother's day and I have had no idea what to do for my daugther who is a birth mother, that is pulling me inward (I got her a rose in a vase, there are no cards for this)
Oh honey, I get it. I'm a stepmom. I always made sure my stepkids recognized their birth mom, no matter how crazy she was or how much she disrupted our lives with her lies and gaslighting. No cards for that either... I personally detest Mother's Day. You daughter is a birth mother, and that transformed her, even of she is not raising her birth child. Simply recognizing that is huge.
I wish you well with the date dude. You may have to be very explicit with him; " ...we have had one date. I am not comfortable with your expressions of (fill in your own descriptions). I look forward to gtting to know you a bit more over time." or some such communication. You deserve respect!
I'm on the fence about what to think, while I can easily see what redfox is saying, I can also see it as a way to sweet talk you into a second date.
Maybe if you set up another date such as coffee, at a convenient time in the future he may back off a bit knowing he will be seeing you again?
I learned in a sociology class years ago, that men invest in relationships much more quickly then women because -- in general, in a social way of thinking -- they have a lot less to lose.
You see, a man in a relationship *gains* a female partner and all the great social cache that that brings him. A woman, generally, loses her freedom (she now is socially expected to dote on the man) to an extent, and then also her social cache might go up or down depending upon how her social group perceives that man's social value. if they highly value him, then her social cache goes up; if they don't value him, then her social cache goes down, BUT if she's already invested at some level (which you usually have to be before you get the 'valuation' from friends), then she is socially expected to stay with him even if he is lower value. which means, then, that saying single -- while it has the problem of being a "devalued" space for women ("can't get a man" devaluation), it is often less risk for a woman because, at least, she has her own freedom to choose what to do day to day, without obligations to a man who may increase or may decrease her social value.
Now, not to be robotic about this, but in general, I think that this is often unconsciouly going on.
In addition, I think that the language of compliments is often seen as a manipulation tactic for many women. I know i often feel that way, because in my childhood experiences, a compliment was a lure, and then once i felt ok with going with those girls/boys over to X place to play, they would generally then take that opportunity to make fun of or physically harm me. I learned early on that that lure is dangerous, and therefore do not trust compliments (instead, I trust action).
Early on in my relationship with my husband, told him about how I viewed gifts and compliments as "lures." It was consistent behavior over time that demonstrated that a person liked or cared for me -- not saying that the liked or cared for me. After that was demonstrated, then the compliments were fine (ie, it's fine for my husband to compliment me).
I think that if you do like this person and what to get to know him better, then you can tell him that you are uncomfortable with that language -- for whatever reasons you are uncomfortable with it. I was for very clear reasons, and anyone being told "hey, you know, that's a trigger for me because when I was a kid. . . and that causes me to be more cautious,r ather than feeling comfortable and safe enough to get to know you."
I think he wants to get to know you more, and if you want to get to know him more, but feel uncomfortable with the language, I think it's ok to say so.
I don't know if men are allowed to engage in discussions such as this, but here's my take. He's simply letting you know that he thinks enough of you to invest more time in you. There's no dis-respect. He's simply doing the same thing you might do if you liked him a little more than you obviously do.
Gut feeling? He sounds socially awkward at best. Be careful.
Alan, last time I checked guys were totally allowed, (grin). It is weird to me at this stage in my life because i always used to have many male friends and I don't so much. I do want a variety POV, now to see if I can steer conversations to where I feel we are getting to know each other better before committing to more mushiness. I know some people really like that, and I don't want to say this guy is in any way giving me a bad vibe, but I have things to figure out. One is how much will it affect things that he moves pretty slow (sounds like an old injury and quite overweight) and I like to be moderately active, like hiking and running. Also I have had some people think that me being buddhist is cool and exotic and then after awhile get irritated that I am Buddhist and what that means.
tbh, back in the day, when I really liked a person, I would rarely let on becuase doing so created a vulnerability. And that vulnerability could be used against me.
So, i would wait. I would continue to act in accordance with my liking of the person, demonstrating rather than saying (other than things like "i would like to see you again!" and so on), and then eventually, when I felt safe, I would say that I liked the person.
But, I have a rough history of bullying, so. . . yeah. I'm guarded.
People can usually tell how others respond to them, can't they? There are plenty of social cues: body language, smiles, the proverbial twinkle in the eye, sidewise glances, laughter...I don't recall ever telling someone early in a relationship (or maybe ever)--let alone repeatedly--that I liked them. I never had to.
"I had a great time...Wasn't that fun?...I always have a good time with you...You make me laugh so hard my face hurts..." If someone is completely inscrutable, there's probably a reason for it. Ditto if they appear excessively needy.
ApatheticNoMore
5-12-13, 8:24pm
He's simply doing the same thing you might do if you liked him a little more than you obviously do.
Or alternatively something you'd never do no matter what, because it's just not in your personality.
Yea I could see expressions of having a good time, "I had a good time, let's do something again", but not the mushy stuff.
In your situation, I would be: calm, cautious, grateful, and curious. I like I.L.'s initial comment above. I can't help wondering, Is this just his personality? I know some men who would set themselves on fire rather than EVER tell you that they thought you were terrific. Others who just blurt things out like that, no filters, free spirits, and they've (mis?)read something in me that said it was safe to be honest. Truthfully I'd rather have the latter than the former, but I'm more comfortable with a person who's more measured.
Might be red flags. Might be socially awkward. Might have been surrounded by really inferior women for a long time, and is astonished to find someone as cool as you. Might just be a little wild. Who knows?
You are in control of this situation. Keep your eyes open, be honest but kind, stay firmly in your comfort zone, and try to enjoy yourself :)
I read this post with great interest. I, too, don't like the mushy stuff constantly. I love a good compliment, don't get me wrong, but enough already if it goes on and on. When I get too much mush early, I get the creapy crawlies. I think they are moving too fast.
I am an introvert and divorced and have done the whole on-line thing and have not dated in 5 years. The last guy I dated I really thought was going somewhere and so did he BUT the mushy stuff was constant and he.would.not.leave.me.alone. He even followed me into the bathroom once "What are you doing?" Okay, really? Ick. I need a lot of space and the guys I've met don't get that. I really want to find a good introvert. My ex was actually one and we complimented each other that way but had other problems obviously or we wouldn't be divorced. LOL Also the guys I met want to rush things and I think it's an age thing. I'm 51 and in my humble opinion, guys want the mate now fast. Other single women around my age don't.
SteveinMN
5-13-13, 10:30pm
I need a lot of space and the guys I've met don't get that. I really want to find a good introvert. My ex was actually one and we complimented each other that way but had other problems obviously or we wouldn't be divorced. LOL Also the guys I met want to rush things and I think it's an age thing. I'm 51 and in my humble opinion, guys want the mate now fast.
First post? Welcome to the boards, KayG!
Interestingly, one my "short-list" requirements in a prospective romantic partner (see thread in Simple Spirituality re: gut instinct) was that she get that I needed space. I was used to having it and I darn well liked having it. Being with someone who couldn't give me the space just wouldn't fly. Fortunately, DW was as used to having her space (and liking it) as I was, so it has been a non-issue for us.
I also don't get the "gotta get married soon" type of guy. A dear friend of mine was like that -- serial monogamy, couldn't be without someone. And divorced four times. More than his share of heartache (hers, too) from that. I was more than willing to wait for the right person than rush along with Ms. Wrong. Better to be alone than wish you were. Jeez, where was all this perspective and maturity the first time I got married? :~)
First post? Welcome to the boards, KayG!
Interestingly, one my "short-list" requirements in a prospective romantic partner (see thread in Simple Spirituality re: gut instinct) was that she get that I needed space. I was used to having it and I darn well liked having it. Being with someone who couldn't give me the space just wouldn't fly. Fortunately, DW was as used to having her space (and liking it) as I was, so it has been a non-issue for us.
I also don't get the "gotta get married soon" type of guy. A dear friend of mine was like that -- serial monogamy, couldn't be without someone. And divorced four times. More than his share of heartache (hers, too) from that. I was more than willing to wait for the right person than rush along with Ms. Wrong. Better to be alone than wish you were. Jeez, where was all this perspective and maturity the first time I got married? :~)
I love and agree with your last line!>8)
Another thing that might be going on is that generic complements are not very satisfying. They often indicate: manipulation, not paying enough attention to give a specific complement, or having heard something like "women like to be told they are appreciated" and applying it rotely. Consider the difference between "you are a great cook" and "I liked the blend of spices you used to make the chicken curry. The cinnamon and coriander blended well into the mix, and I like that you used just enough hot pepper to give it a kick, but not so much that it numbed the taste buds. How did you get started with Indian cooking?"
...Consider the difference between "you are a great cook" and "I liked the blend of spices you used to make the chicken curry. The cinnamon and coriander blended well into the mix, and I like that you used just enough hot pepper to give it a kick, but not so much that it numbed the taste buds. ...
Hahaha! Clearly someone's dating (Chopped judge) Aaron Sanchez!
Hmm, that really totally connects to some of the research and work I do. I focus on praise vs encouragement with working with youth and how my front line staff can learn these differences for the benefit of everyone. The specific encouragement works way better than a generic 'good job', for gifted children the difference is more pronounced than for kids who are more in a median range of sensitivity to praise (I am always awkward about how to talked 'gifted' without sounding like they are better but rather have a different set of needs, and wandering off subject again). In any case it is rare that people are aware of this difference consciously so I do not hold others to a standard that I train my staff for, but I do think some of the praise is sounding generic in the 'you are great' category, however to Alan's point what he intends could be totally different. The texting has slowed down but is still happening so i am keeping up my end and chatting, certainly not a stage to write the guy off.
30 or 40 texts after one date would totally creep me out - especially if it was only to expound on my awesomeness :-) . I don't like texting, emailing or even talking on the phone even with the hunky bf. I want to see him in person for any kind of conversation - deep or light. I use texting et al only to set up a date, not in lieu of a date, and rarely respond to texts for several hours if at all so people don't text me for anything other than a quick message - definetly no long conversations. So if you like this guy, and he seems to really like you, then ell him you don't like texted conversations but you'd be happy to go out with him again.
People can usually tell how others respond to them, can't they? There are plenty of social cues: body language, smiles, the proverbial twinkle in the eye, sidewise glances, laughter...I don't recall ever telling someone early in a relationship (or maybe ever)--let alone repeatedly--that I liked them. I never had to.
"I had a great time...Wasn't that fun?...I always have a good time with you...You make me laugh so hard my face hurts..." If someone is completely inscrutable, there's probably a reason for it. Ditto if they appear excessively needy. And why face-time is so important when starting a new relationship. I want to see their face, hear their voice and laugh, etc... Can't get that as well by texting or e-mailing for the majority of your courtship. Both the good stuff as well as the bad stuff are more revealed by face time than texting. Hard to hide an expression .
You say thank you! I really hate texting and don't think you can have quality conversations through it. Go by what he is like in person. I would probably say stupid stuff too if I were put on the spot texting on a tiny phone.
JaneV2.O, Redfox, Spartana and Karma all say things I think here. He sounds too needy for you to be a specific person for. Too many texts at first. He may be setting up a narcissistic collusion--I like you, you like me, that's all it's about and it's a deal. I would be careful, and that would include being direct as mentioned above, about not liking texting. If he doesn't like any activities and you do, that doesn't sound like a match to me. But I have never had a good relationship except where I met someone through work--lots of exposure to each other's values, interests, capacities.
I have to preface this by saying I have a strong opinion due to having once been in a bad relationship that started off in exactly this way. If someone barely knows you and professes to like you sooooo much, there's a good chance he's either desperate or looking for someone who can be manipulated. If you are interested in this guy and want to give him a chance, keep him at arm's length till you get to know him better then choose your course of action based on how much you like him. Don't go along with what he wants just because he showers you with attention. Cuz I can tell you, that feels pretty good when you're going through a rough patch.
If the OP regularly texts all of the time, then this may be normal. Who knows? I don't ever text anyone, I would find that tiresome and intrusive, but many people do it constantly so I wouldn't say this guy is unusual.
If the OP doesn't want to participate in a lot of texting, she doesn't have to. No one is making her.
iamdavidspersonaleconomy
7-11-13, 4:31pm
My dating experience has been that I need to listen to my gut. I have been the needy, overly committed guy after one or two dates in the past. I now completely understand anyone being turned off by that. I have my own life and do not need to find another persont to make me complete. When each person has their own life, dating is so much better.
I also do not like having conversations by text. There is no tone, no emotion, no reaction. It is very difficult to know what the sender really is saying. I am 28 and find that most women I meet (online or just in person) like texting more than talking on the phone. It annoys me.
Dating can be tough whenever I try to "do it right." The reality is dating is about getting to know someone and letting someone get to know me. That being said, it is very easy to end up trying to impress a pretty woman by pretending to be what I think she is interested in. That never works out well.
I look forward to hearing other womens' perspective on dating because we all think and perceive things very differently.
-David
I look forward to hearing other womens' perspective on dating because we all think and perceive things very differently.
-David[/FONT][/SIZE]
As a woman, I personally like a guy who is just his true self, and I try to be my true self as well (although that isn't always that attractive :-)!). I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who was putting on a show for my benefit (or for what he preceived was what I would want) only to find out later that all the things he said and did were merely to present himself in a way thaty he thought would appeal to me when it really isn't how he is. I want to know the reality of the person - and want him to know, and accept, me as the person I am. If we are compatable great. If we aren't, then we can each quickly move on.
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