I Screwed Up Royally And Don't Know What To Do

[SiouzQ.]

I need to vent here, so I don't go trying to make a nasty situation I misguidedly started the other day even worse. This is in regards to the guy I had been dating last summer/fall and yes, there are still some ongoing issues with this, as we have mutual friends and hangout place.

Too much back story about the latest specifically, but how do I deal with the fact that all of the sudden I am horribly, [I]painfully aware of just how I really "effed" things up by my behavior, of which I have no explanation or justification for, other than my lack of social skills and insensitivity to someone else's feelings. I am sorry to be so cryptic but I am having a hard time knowing I owe this person an amends like in AA step nine (I think), became willing to make amends to others, except when to do so would injure them or others. I want to so badly to march over there and formally apologize for my behavior, and am even willing to be told to go f*** off, but I am afraid the other party will just think it is a self-serving attempt on my part while I just want to get it over and done with. I am really suffering right now with shame and guilt when I take a look at this whole long scenario and appalled by my actions (and in-actions). I do not know why I have treated this person the way I treated them when all they wanted was to be was my friend (and this is a separate issue from me not wanting to be in a romantic relationship). This is about treating another human being with decency and respect. Why am I only now seeing it? I really feel like there is something terribly wrong with me and the way I deal with people.

This is such a very painful realization to sit with but as much as I want to contact this person and ask if I may make a formal amends to their face, I probably should not do it right now because he'll probably read it as another self-serving attempt to straighten things out...which I tried the other day thinking it was the right thing to do but it just made it that much worse.

What I don't get is how I try not be a bad person, and don't think I am per say, but the truth is I treated someone very badly who didn't deserve it at all. And I have to wonder about that in the whole scheme of things in my life, and my self-professed loner status. I really have a hard time with interpersonal relationships and intimacy. I wish I could afford therapy to delve into this because I am not learning it very well on my own, and seem to be doing worse with it as I get older. I remind myself of my dad, which is very scary because he has always been very insensitive to people and their feelings and I am seeing how much I am like him in many ways.

Thank you for reading this, I just needed a place to vent my feelings. I tried calling two different friends but neither has called back.

[SteveinMN]

SQ, would it make it better if you did the following?

Write Guy a brief note. Get a card that says "Thinking of you" or "Hello" and is blank inside or something and write


Dear Guy,

When I see you with <common friends> at <common place>, I really feel that I owe you an apology. I didn't handle things between us well and haven't been able to clearly articulate where I was at -- then or now. You didn't deserve the way I treated you. I feel badly about that. This was a real wakeup call for me and I'm trying to be better at relating to all kinds of people. If you want, you know how to reach me. Otherwise, I wish you the best and hope someday you can remember me kindly.

SiouzQ

Drop it in the mail and forget. about. it. If Guy is interested in picking up a friendship, he knows the door is open for that and he can contact you. Otherwise, you've apologized in a way that doesn't require a lot from him. He may see the return address on the note and not even open it. But you have done your bit and both of you can move on to wherever you can be, individually or alone.

[Valley]

Steve, I always love your outlook and opinions. Please keep sharing both with us!:)

[SiouzQ.]

Steve, what you wrote as an example is lot better sounding than the self-flagellating piece I wrote to him (and didn't send). I'll have to think about how to proceed. I did think of getting a card instead of doing an e-mail; not sure if I can get his address (I'll have to check on that somehow). I do know where he lives; I guess I could drop it off under his front door really early in the morning on my way to work.

I don't necessarily want to be friends at this point, but I would like to be able to go to the weekly blues jam. One awkward thing is he is really good life-long friends with the bar owner There is a distinct possibility I may have really tarnished my reputation with some people about town and that is something I have to live with.

Suffice it to say, I am really unhappy with myself right now and appalled at how things got the way they are. I did not do anything out of outright maliciousness, but rather clueless, selfish insensitivity and the inability to effectively communicate (heck, communicate anything at all). And when I tried to rectify it, it blew up in my face because I didn't take the proper responsibility in the first place and take care of it when it originally happened.

[SiouzQ.]

Okay, after a long night of beating myself up and thinking about the entire timeline of this tired story, I talked to a friend and finally saw it in a different perspective. The whole thing is based on two different people's perceptions of what happened - what happened was I had had a conversation with this guy back in March to clear some things up and gently and explicitly told him that I was not ready for a relationship at this point in my life, and putting the onus on me and that he should branch out and date others because I wasn't going to be "the one". It was a nice conversation and I thought he understood where I was coming from and seemed to accept that, so in my mind, the whole dang thing was over for me and basically I moved on. We were friendly when we ran into each other occasionally in the following week but I think in his mind he thought somehow we were still a couple. Then something happened one night at the blues jam where we were casually talking, and I excused myself to go talk to someone else, and he got up and left abruptly. Anyhow, the details are irrelevent at this point. Perceptions sure can vary wildly, is all I know...

I am SO OVER THIS it's not funny. I am going to go to the blues jam whenever I feel like it, and if I run into him, I will apologize for what, I'm not even sure at this point, but I will make the effort and be done with it. I cannot force anyone to see things from my perspective anyway, and if he chooses to wallow in his anger and hurt toward me, so be it. I took care of myself by not letting things progress to the point that we were a serious "couple" and tried to get out of it gently because something subconciously was holding me back and it took a long time to figure out. Now I know why.

I REALLY, REALLY hope this is the LAST TIME I will have to bring this issue here for advice! I want to get on with my life - I do know I have a lot of issues to work out on the relationship front but I don't think I am the ogre I made myself out to be last night. I really hope I learn from this experience and really need to work on being able to clearly communicate to others and saying what is on my mind, instead of letting things muddle through and not dealing with them.

Now it is time to focus on my road trip! Thirteen more days!!!!!!!!

[SteveinMN]

SQ, I had written a response to your post from last night, but deleted it because you pretty much came to the same conclusions I did.

Life is a learning experience. Being with others is a learned experience, especially for us introverts. You have figured out the takeaway from this situation and will do it better next time.

Have fun on the road trip!

[SiouzQ.]

Thanks Steve! I want to say I really, really value your input when I come here to vent. It helps me a lot to see it from a different (and male) persective.

[JaneV2.0]

I thought maybe I was missing a big piece of the puzzle, but apparently I wasn't--because the conclusion you came to was the same as mine. Let it go. Your only mistake, as I see it, was allowing a "meh" relationship go on way past its pull date.