View Full Version : I hate being a stepmom...
Still. My husband's children, who we cared for for the second half of their lives at home, appear to not be able or willing to communicate with us or come for a visit. They do choose all their time with their insane mother. I am so regretting taking this on right now.
So sorry, redfox. Being neither parent nor stepparent, I can't pretend I know how much this hurts. I do know how much they are missing out on, though, and can only hope they see that one day too. {{hugs}}
Oh dear, big hug. I am afraid of that with my kids (although I am not the step parent) They all refused to live with dad past 13 and right now they are all blowing him off, but I know better than to think it will last forever. It seems so hurtful,
I know that in a sense it makes sense they are working harder at a relationship with the insane parent, especially since they must know you and dad will be there and stable for them, but it does;t hurt any less. I am living through the years of 'they feel safe with you so they can act out knowing you won't abuse them' if that makes sense. And I think you are talking about the same thing, being the good parent, the supportive ones, and then getting the brush off or the bad behavior.
Does it help at all to say that I am bio mom and have raised them and in the last 6 months everything that has happened in the last 3 years makes me wonder if I would do it again.
You are a great mom (step is only part of the story), I am sorry this is hurting
I'm sorry you're hurting, too, redfox. They are young, yet. Hopefully as they mature they will change. You have done nothing wrong, and eventually with a bit more perspective maybe they will recognize and appreciate that.
lhamo
rodeosweetheart
6-5-13, 7:22am
Still. My husband's children, who we cared for for the second half of their lives at home, appear to not be able or willing to communicate with us or come for a visit. They do choose all their time with their insane mother. I am so regretting taking this on right now.
I have been a step mom and also had bio-children that I share with an crazy ex-spouse. You are right, this hurts so much. But children will always love both parents, because we are built that way. And sometimes, children feel loyalty and a strong need to care for a crazy parent, a drug-or alcohol abusing parent, or a generally abusive parent. We are built that way. While not fair to you, it is the human reality of being a parent and being a child.
I used to worry that my bio-kids would reject me for my ex-husband. It has not happened. They see things as they are. But they will always, always be sad that their dad is crazy and abusive, and a drunk that will not seek treatment. And they will always miss the good part, the loving part, of their dad, and always yearn for that relationship. IT is just the way humans are built. Maybe your step kids are at that stage, with a strong need to connect to what is sane and good in their mom, for their own development? Or they cannot seem to prefer you to her, or even have a realtionship with you, without worrying about hurting her?
It is very hard to be a child of divorce, just as it is hard to be a step parent! But yeah, it must hurt terribly to lose their company in your life.
Forgot to add the book link--I LOVE this book and it really helped me when one of my sons was going through a distant phase:
http://www.amazon.com/When-Parents-Hurt-Compassionate-Strategies/dp/0061148431
That is painful to undergo but the question I would ask is: "would you have done any differently knowing what you know now?". I suspect not so just know that you did what was right at the time and savour that peace of mind. Let go of the rest of the emotional junk and let the truth that life will teach the kids unfold. Be willing to be surprised in the years ahead.
Blackdog Lin
6-5-13, 9:06pm
redfox: you will be in my prayers. Maybe later I can explain..
Oh hell, forget later - what you said about your step-children applies to my son. My biological and beloved (no, not so beloved anymore) son. We are SO dysfunctional. He has worked to manipulate me and my feelings over and over and over again. I'm not even religious, yet I pray for him (and for some family healing) most every day.
Sending good thoughts to you, to get through this time you are going through.
Wise words from everyone here, and I especially like what rodeosweetheart said. I too have witnessed the "loyalty to the crazy parent" scenario, and it's tough to watch the insane parent drag their offspring into Crazytown with them.
Here's hoping time will heal.
It didn't work for me either.
Thanks, all. The research about stepmothering is that if the birth mom accepts the stepmom, the kids can too. If not, then the kids cannot show their feelings about their stepmom. Our family's in the latter category. When a BM requires primary loyalty from her kids, there is little they can do to challenge that; she is their mom, and that is primary.
My stepkids' mom has mellowed over the years (bipolar, no treatment), but there are places (FB, blog postings & twitter) where she demonstrates her insanity, and takes swipes at my husband or me. Of course, the now young-adult kids can read these. I've blocked these sources so I don't have to read them, and my stepkids both "unfriended" me at one point, so I don't see her snarks & snide comments on FB, thank goodness. I know in my saner moments that what's happening is not personal. The impact of it feels that way, but no one wakes up in the morning deciding to do damage to anyone else.
I realized yesterday that these relationships are my call to absolute unconditional love. Wow. Having cancer certainly has underscored for me the importance of my relationships. Much as I would like to have a flow with my stepkids, I cannot count on that. My husband & I are the grown-ups in the system, we are the anchors for the kids, and of course they are pushing against us to be able to individuate. We are in the roles of keeping the flame of love alive for them no matter what. And, when/if DSD does come down for the weekend, I plan to tell her that I love her & always will, no matter what!
So true, redfox.
Although it reminds me of a line in the sitcom Will & Grace, where Will whines "Why do *I* always have to be the adult?" ha (we've probably all had those moments when dealing with never-ending drama..)
Well Redfox,
I think u hit the nail on the head with the assessment of the mother not accepting you and how it affects the children accepting you. I think that is an important dynamic. I am fortunate in that BayouBoy's first wife is a lovely person and she and I are great friends. We have no animosity. We dearly love the kids and grandkids. But as I see it, you are dealing with a toxic person with the kids mom and she intends to divide people and cause drama, I wish I had more to offer you in a way of dealing with it. Hopefully, as time goes on and the kids grow up more, and maybe when they have kids, will have better understanding of what your husband and you have gone thru as parents.
My own mother is a toxic person and I actually adore my stepmom and avoid my mom.
This situation is probably even more complex than I comprehend, but i'm going to put my perspective in because. . . well, I have one and I have thought about it for a couple of days.
You see, I think that you want a respectful, healthy adult relationship with your children. A good thing. Goodness, what all good parents want. And btw, step mom or no, they are still "yours." You put in hard yards, so they are yours. Heck, you are *still* putting in hard yards.
This is what we want with our parents (and what we hope for with our son when he is all "growed up!"). With my parents, we have that.
My ILs, though, want a thoroughly unhealthy relationship where they manage us. They have a "great" relationship with SIL because she will allow them to manage her (and in fact, wants it). So, to both sides of that equation, the relationship is "great."
Now, I remember back when we were younger (particularly before I was 25), and we used to give in to the ILs all the time. So much harassment, so much guilt tripping, we would just do what they wanted so they would shut up! And as such, my parents suffered -- all of their holidays got shifted because my ILs would have a *fit* if we celebrated with my family and then came to theirs (or vice-versa!); it's like only their holidays mattered.
So, I guess I'm saying: I did this, too. It was a certain lack of maturity: the inability to really stand up for what i wanted, what i knew was right, and figure out how *not* to be manipulated.
I would guess that this is *part* of the equation. It sounds like their mother is immature, full of drama (and therefore manipulative), and it's likely that the kids are both A. being manipulated by that and B. they probably need to be needed, too, and at some level, their mother's instability denotes a "i'm needed" situation.
I don't know if that's accurate or what, but I suspect it's part of the equation. And i'm sorry for it. Same with my parents.
FWIW, I have very, very little to do with my ILs anymore. Our holiday turned out ok, though, so that's nice.
Redfox,
You so rock. I admire your attitude and balance in the face of such challenges. I struggle sometimes with maintaining healthy/positive relationships with my own kids, and we don't have any of that excess baggage/drama to deal with.
I listened to an interesting interview on The Satellite Sisters podcast today with a Seattle area author who has just published a novel that centers in many ways on the step family relationship -- it is called "A Heart Like Mine." I really enjoyed the interview -- the author is a step mom herself and seems to have interesting insights into the dynamic. I think you might enjoy it, or find some solace/useful reflection in it. Passing on the link just in case.
http://satellitesisters.com/newstalklaughs/2013/05/10/satellite-sisters-wordwrite-festival-interview-with-author-amy-hatvany-of-heart-like-mine/
BarbieGirl
6-7-13, 10:50pm
Redfox,
I think no matter how old the child is seems to always sway toward their mother, no matter how unhealthy the relationship may be. I've seen this time and again that the mother will smear the ex and wife and even though the kids know that for a fact will still side with their mother. Adult kids long for that connection with their bio mother. I think it's a continuing cycle of the adult child wanting what it never had from mom, but hoping against hope they will someday finally get what they need emotionally from her.
don't take it personally. Continue to offer love and no judgement. Time alone will work in your favor as they realize who constantly wields the axe and who is just accepting and loving.
Its so not fair to you and your husband.
Barbie
1273
Here we are on the waterfront Ferris wheel in downtown Seattle today! My darling stepdaughter Megan, her Papa & me. It was sooo fun! So, it got better this week.
I know exactly how you feel redfox....and yes, we just have to supply the unconditional love until they are ready to come back. DH and I have to be the sane examples while the ex goes off on her crazy tangents. We make sure we tell the boys that we will always love them...maybe not their actions/decisions at times...but them all the time :) Just pray for the crazy mama to end her drama ;)
I think one of the hard things in any kind of family relationship is when two people want different distances from each other--one closer than the other.
redfox, I use your posts and your experiences to help me with everything that is a struggle or barrier to my life.
I am in awe of how you are using this aspect of your own life where unconditional love means what you are able to accept bad behavior and misunderstanding from others. I think that we experience what you are having with your stepkids because of the instability and unpredictable behavior of their mother, and that you and your husband are the one, true safe people and place for them.
Two more things. Everyone always says that something/everything/whatever is not personal and that such things should not be taken personally. I call baloney on that...everything is personal to us. Sure, do not overreact or take those things to heart, but they are personal. I do not care what anyone says otherwise.
The second is that there are people who do begin their day planning and intending harm to other people. True.
treehugger
6-10-13, 2:12pm
This thread makes me want to apologize to my step-parents for being a crappy step-kid. My poor step-mom had to deal with my 12-year-old self! :( Luckily for her, I never lived with her (only visited my dad twice a year from age 7 to age 18) and it's true, my mom certainly never accepted her role. But that doesn't mean I wasn't a brat, and I am sorry for it. My step-dad got off easier (even though I did live with him) because he just stayed drunk. I doubt he even noticed I was a rotten teenager.
Hugs, redfox.
Kara
Huge hugs for 12-year-old Kara.
treehugger
6-10-13, 2:26pm
Jilly, that is very sweet. I certainly don't want to make this thread about me, but I have been thinking about this a lot since redfox first posted it. It has brought up some guilty feelings for sure. I guess we can only hope redfox's step-kids will come around and have a change of heart someday. I know that doesn't help now, though.
Kara
Jilly, that is very sweet. I certainly don't want to make this thread about me, but I have been thinking about this a lot since redfox first posted it. It has brought up some guilty feelings for sure. I guess we can only hope redfox's step-kids will come around and have a change of heart someday. I know that doesn't help now, though.
Kara
Oh honey! Hugs from me too. I'm sorry you grew up with an alcoholic parent. And, I know it will get better. Here's the so-cute, ironic/hipster selfie my DSS Donovan took recently:
1275
This thread makes me want to apologize to my step-parents for being a crappy step-kid.
And it makes me want to go back and whack my stepmom upside the head with a wet noodle. I was one of those step-kids that tried really, really, really hard to be a good kid, so she'd love me. She never did, though when she got older (and widowed) she found I was a good sounding board for all of her materialistic guilt, various physical ailments, racism, etc. Until I wasn't any longer.
Redfox, wishing you'd been MY stepmom instead. We would've gotten along much better :)
Hugs to all
Pug
OMG, Pug, hugs to you too! I bet you were a darling young girl. I'm sorry you didn't receive the love you deserved, and congrats on setting good limits with her. For the life of me, I cannot imagine being awful to any kid. Though I suppose my SK's probably think the firm boundaries I held were awful. I was the big meanie who did not allow overnight guests/lovers, even when DSD moved back in after living with the bf for 8 months. We knew he was abusive; nonetheless, she threw the BIGGEST fit, a thirteen year old tantrum emerging from a nineteen year old. It was so over the top I almost could not contain myself, bless her. Aiiyiyi. Nt going back to those days, even in memory.
I really love hearing others stories, as it helps me normalize the dramas in my own head. :~/
Clearly this is a second arrow experience! As my meditation teacher is fond of reminding us, the first arrow is what life hits us with. The second one is how we think about the first one. Y'all are helping me drop my story about all those the first arrows...
Oh, Jilly, thank you! And yes, there are ill intentioned folks in the world... <sigh>.
Ok, all, just to round out the family pics, here is DH as he lounged about in his finest... Or, as he said it, hot plaid-on-plaid action!
You have such pretty hair, Redfox! I love that photo!
OMG, the stepkids came home for Father's Day! And spent the night last night. Today we go see my father, then off to dinner & a 3D showing of Superman. They may spend another night too. It's so sweet to see them both.
I have one stepson who went through phases like that. Now he calls all the time but wants money, I am starting to miss those silent periods. Want to trade?
Well just to balance things out, and not to seem to be unmoved by difficult step-relationships. Thirty three years ago I met and fell in love with a divorced mom with two little girls. They were wonderful little kids. They grew into extraordinary women. They are just as much my daughters as my two biological daughters. They know it. I know it. Their two younger sisters know it. Beyond the 5 of us, it really doesn't matter if anyone else gets it, and in point of fact if you polled my 10 best friends and my wife's 10 best friends maybe 4 of them even have an inkling that the two older ones are not my biological daughters. Sorry for getting sentimental but it's been only a couple of days since father's day and I am eternally grateful for all 4 of my kids.
I have one stepson who went through phases like that. Now he calls all the time but wants money, I am starting to miss those silent periods. Want to trade?
Oy. I can imagine getting to this point. Good luck with setting & keeping good boundaries with him! That is always the biggest parenting challenge in any family, IMO.
Weston, sentimental fathers are one of the best kind. You cannot argue with the kind of successful family all of you have created, and I think it very interesting and significant that you all model good familial relationships so well that few people know the specifics of your family dynamics. Not that it is anyone's business anyway, but still very interesting.
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