View Full Version : would you marry or live with SO if they don't share your simple living ways?
If SO didn't share some or all of your SL values - be that financial or lifestyle - would you still marry them or live together and combine financez? Say one spends while the other saves. One's deep in debt and the other is debt free. One wants the luxury life and the other doesn't. One wants to work until death the other wants to retire early. One wants to live in a mcmansion and the other wants a little cottage. One wants a rustic country life and the otber wants city or suburban life. Etc..
Probably not. Too many complications. But they wouldn't stop me from loving him, most likely. Maybe the simple partner could live in a cottage on the mansion grounds. Separate finances, for sure. The "rustic country" vs. metropolitan area could be a sticking point. There isn't a planet on which I could do "rustic country," as far as I know.
It would depend very much on the specific differences, and how strong they were, and how flexible people were willing to be.
Hell to the no.
If you don't share basic values with your SO there's no point in having anything other than a casual relationship. Someone deep in debt would scare the beejesus out of me unless there were very unusual circumstances.
For me, frugality and everything that comes with it is a basic value. And I would be quickly bored with someone who couldn't have fun any other way than spending large sums of money.
ToomuchStuff
6-5-13, 12:47am
If SO didn't share some or all of your SL values - be that financial or lifestyle - would you still marry them or live together and combine financez? Say one spends while the other saves. One's deep in debt and the other is debt free. One wants the luxury life and the other doesn't. One wants to work until death the other wants to retire early. One wants to live in a mcmansion and the other wants a little cottage. One wants a rustic country life and the otber wants city or suburban life. Etc..
Some verse all is too much of a range.
One deep in debt, verses one out of debt, could just be a situation verses a lifestyle. (divorced, has debts from getting rid of the spouse, etc)
Even the work till death verse retirement, isn't always opposite. A friend, in his 70's, still LOVES what he does, and can do it, when he wants to. His wife, 20ish plus years his jr. wants at some point to retire, to do things like spend time with grandkids, travel, do some charity work. It isn't like they don't share common interests or goals.
So there isn't really an accurate way to give a total yes or no answer to this hypothetical.
It would depend very much on the specific differences, and how strong they were, and how flexible people were willing to be.
basically this.
DH is far more thrifty than i am, to the point of being austere. I, by no means, need "luxury" -- but I do want to live "comfortably" while also being in our means.
Of course, the divergence of this difference is not that great -- DH would prefer to not buy spices or herbs or certain oils (such as butter, avocado, and sesame -- just using coconut and olive) whereas I insist that we buy said oils, as well as spices and herbs for food prep, and sometimes even inexpensive white wine for this one recipe that i enjoy.
The nerve of me! :D
It does depend on specifics, and how good you are as a couple at negotiation and compromise. It can be tough. DH and I are very different, but we've worked it out more or less. If you are good at allowing each other enough space to be themselves, it's doable.
I do think it's preferable to have shared values, however.
chrisgermany
6-5-13, 6:27am
Probably not.
Some compromise is necessary and ok in each relationship.
But there must be balance, too.
If all my compromises undermine my core values it becomes unbalanced.
It would depend very much on the specific differences, and how strong they were, and how flexible people were willing to be.
If the values are too far apart, I wonder if it is true love willing to compromise and share for the benefit of the couple or simple lust that will simply exhaust itself in no time with a lot of heartache and debt leftover.
I agree with the bae. It's all about the details. In my case I decided that yes it was worth it. SO isn't crazy unfrugle but definitely more so than me. For the moment I think I've convinced him that our 8 year old bedroom furniture is perfectly fine...
Even though we're a bit of a mismatch in this area I think I'm still better off with him than I would be/was single in several ways. First, even though we live in an expensive apartment the reality is that if I were single I'd probably be paying more than my half of the rent to live in a small mediocre place. Second, I go out for dinner/drinks with friends far less often now than when I was single. We still go out, or have friends over, but it's much more of a planned event rather than "i don't feel like cooking and I'm bored so let me call someone up and go out." And thirdly, a few years after becoming SO's SO I ended up moving across the country because of a job opportunity for him and found a new job that has ended up in my salary doubling in just over 4 years. A random unplannable event that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't become SO's SO that will probably have more impact on my longterm finances and ability to retire than anything I could've done frugally if I were still in NYC and not with SO.
Full disclosure: I probably wouldn't live with or marry someone even if we were in tune in every way, given my track record. I'd be perfectly fine with living in the same zip code. And I'm not really a fan of asceticism, either; I wouldn't necessarily be the "simpler" partner.
I think being on the same page financially is probably one of the most important things in a marriage or partnership so unless the other person was wealthy and paid for everything (I can dream) then I wouldn't go there.
jennipurrr
6-5-13, 11:56am
When I met DH I was debt free and he had nearly six digits in student loans and credit card debt. By the time we got married he had knocked out the credit cards and I knew he was serious about getting out of debt. So, even though he was in a bad situation, I felt like he was going to be strong financially in the long run. However, I did do things to protect myself financially...I made sure he consolidated his student loans before we got married, as doing it afterward would create a new "joint" debt that should we get divorced I would be on the hook for 1/2 of.
I would never marry someone who actively was in financial trouble where they were spending money they didn't have, but I would not rule someone out just because they maybe wanted some things different that I do. In many ways, DH is the "simpler" of the two of us. He would love to scale down to a more nomadic lifestyle. I enjoy a permanent home and actually (most of the time!) really enjoy my job. We're working on the FI goal, but he would cut back a lot more if I was on board to get there quicker. I would rather live a little, enjoy some "luxuries" even if it takes longer to get to FI.
I wouldn't marry someone so opposite of my values and things I wanted out of life. DH and I are very different people, but our core values are the same in most cases.
I'm afraid I'm a person who's very happy to live alone, so a potential spouse would have to really be a good match for my core values in order for me to change status. (which he was, and I did) A simple living mindset is one of the things I find very attractive in members of the opposite sex, anyway.
goldensmom
6-5-13, 12:20pm
My husband and I do not share simple living values and we’ve married a long, long time. I'm super frugal and my husband is super not so we come out somewhere in the middle. We do have the same moral and religious values and those are ‘non-negotiables’ for me. I can be flexible in other areas of my life.
rodeosweetheart
6-5-13, 12:22pm
I would never marry again because it is so financially risky to share finances. I might live with someone who was unfrugal, so long as they had a very hearty ability to make money (some do) and could fund the unfrugal lifestyle. But I like my frugal lifestyle, so would not be attracted to a big spender type.
Sharing core values is key, but I could co-exist happily with someone whose spending habits were different from mine a lot more easily than I could with someone who was humorless, unkind, critical, intolerant, willfully (or otherwise) ignorant, indifferent to nature and animals, or interested in controlling me...As long as he can (and does) pay his own way, his money is of little interest to me.
I doubt it. I'm not happy with spendy, debt-driven people.
I think being on the same page financially is probably one of the most important things in a marriage or partnership so unless the other person was wealthy and paid for everything (I can dream) then I wouldn't go there. Ha Ha! Yes this is me. I have a BF who, while not a big spender, is definetly not as frugal and thirfty as me. However, because he is just a BF and we have no financial entaglements together, I could care less what he spends his money on - especially if he's spending it on me :devil:!
However, that wouldn't be the case if we were to marry or live together and combine our finances. Personally I wouldn't marry him (I wouldn't marry anyone now anyways) and he knows that but might live with him if we kept our finances seperate and did a 50/50 kind of thing. But even with that I think there are probaly too many other differences between us for a marriage or long term relationship. For one thing he, while not in debt except his house and car, can't envision retireing for at least 20 years or more. Loves his job, loves the money for "stuff", and is fine living in SoCal forever with occasional 2 week vacations elsewhere. I on the other hand retired early, like to travel long term (budget style too), and would like to move out of SoCal within a couple of years. So while it's doable short term (I'm OK with his working and spending and he's OK with me being retired and travelling for longish periods of time), trying to find compromises for all that long term would be too much sacrifice for me. I'd like someone to be a compainion and share the things in our lives together, and having to make huge compromises financially amd lifestyle-wise wouldn't work long term.
I wouldn't now, but I likely would have when I married my husband a gazillion years ago. I was actually kind of a yuppie wannabe then. Silly girl.
I would never consider someone in debt, and would be unlikely to have enough in common with someone spendy to actually get close enough to fall in love.
gimmethesimplelife
6-5-13, 10:09pm
Hell to the no.
If you don't share basic values with your SO there's no point in having anything other than a casual relationship. Someone deep in debt would scare the beejesus out of me unless there were very unusual circumstances.
For me, frugality and everything that comes with it is a basic value. And I would be quickly bored with someone who couldn't have fun any other way than spending large sums of money.+1
No I would not, but is coming fom an old lady who sees life different then years ago when oh the rose colored glasses of love would have been on;)
I'd have to say no, because I can't imagine getting together with him in the first place if we didn't share values. And we've sort of evolved into SL together over the last 20-odd years.
I don't think they'd make it pass the first date!! Sorry! But this is if I had to do it over. For me I came into simple living after probably 10 years of marriage, kind of hard to chuck him to the curb for not agreeing with my new lifestyle. But over the next 22 years he has come to the light side! (we have homemade cookies :)
He now appreciates the way we live, embraces my environmental ways, and agrees with the decisions on spending. But these were not over night changes, and I have to admit the Great Depression Part II didn't hurt my case! We now live without cable/Satellite TV, we own 1 car (paid for), repair WAY before we replace, and we do it ourselves as much as possible. .
But like I stated at first if I had to start over...from today...would I be with someone who has such huge differences in values?? No. the frustration would do me in.!!
I agree that once you are already married then it's probably harder to "toss them aside " :-)! I was married to a guy for 17 years who was pretty much exactly like me in everyway - financially, lifestyle-wise, etc... However, since our divorce (for reasons unrelated to simple living) with most men I have dated we have had very similiar activities and interests (VERY important to me) as well as overall values and compatability. Yet they are very focused on a fancier lifestyle with all the stuff. And they are willing to work hard for that and don't really see the value of earlier retirement even if they could afford it. Guess I need to start dating guys 10 years or more older then me who are retired already or ready to retire instead of a young un :-).
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