View Full Version : Deteriorating Relationship with Co-Worker
It's hard to even know where to start - there is a younger woman who is on the deli team that is very hard to work with, and it is getting harder the past few days to the point that literally just being around her is pushing ALL my buttons and I can't seem to get the horse (my reaction) back into the barn. It is also that I am antsy about going on vacation too; but in my defense, everyone on the team has a hard time working with her so I am not the only one with complaints.
This girl/woman (not sure how old she is, maybe late 20's or early '30's) has been in the deli for maybe five years (she immigrated from Lithuania eight years ago). The team leaders keep moving her around because no one can really deal with working with her anymore. She is very illogical in her approach to many things, has no sense of the concept of teamwork and helping out others for the greater good of the team, has "interesting" time management skills and sense of priorities,and generally moves with the speed of a sloth, which doesn't work out too well when it is incredibly busy.
I many times hear a critical tone in her voice when she questions how I do something, because I don't do it her way. Or I guess I should say I perceive a tone of criticism from her and then I get defensive, which doesn't help matters (I am trying to own up to and change how I react to her but it has been especially hard this week). She in turn also gets defensive when I ask her nicely to do something and now our communication has just dissolved in a tit-for-tat thing that accomplishes nothing. I have talked to my supervisor and team leader about it, as have others who have to work with her, and I specifically made sure they knew I was actively trying to get along with her but was having a hard time (I am trying to own up my part in it and vowing to try to communicate better with her).
But I am really having trouble reining in my poor attitude about her at this point - I am letting her rent space in my head when I am not even at work and that's no good. I have to get along with her because we have been put on the opening shift three days in a row this week and it has been harder and harder each day for me to deal with her. I keep telling myself to let it roll off my back but it is not working, because here I am, rehashing it all out and telling you guys. I think that it could be some cultural differences going on, and also an obvious lack of communication skills between us. I have had words with her in the past about being able to work together more effectively; I guess I am going to have to pull up my big girl pants and suggest we try to clear the air between us and lay it all out on the table, perhaps with a supervisor included.
It seems my lot in life these days IS all about working on better communication with everyone I come into contact with; this issue for me has been a big test for me lately, especially in regards to that guy I was dating and that whole LONG story (which only FINALLY got some amount of resolution the other day...a week after the fact).
Anyway, how do you guys go about trying to change a co-worker relationship for the greater good? I feel like today, especially, I really have let it rattle me and I don't like that. My other co-worker (my ex-room mate) said I should pray for her...I really need to let it GO!
Maybe the vacation will give you some time away and new perspective on the situation. DH works in a retail/wholesale environment as a district mgr and encounters these types of difficulties between employees in just about every store he checks on. It is hard to get rid of any one employee until they are "written up" three times but often they will transfer people around to settle personality differences.
Here are some ideas that pop into my head:
- Can you put in a confidential request to not be scheduled on same shifts as her?
- Do absolutely nothing about it until after you return from vacation refreshed
Lots of times I just put someone that irks me in The Moron Category and every time my mind wants to wander over to wasting time on them, I say to myself, "Hey, we've been over this before, they're a Moron why are you wasting good brain cells on that! Let's think about my dear co-worker Sally & how awesome she is (or let's think about how I'm going to win the Points of Service contest... or the amazing sunrise over the desert I'm going to see in 2 weeks... or my favorite music)"...... Almost like I try to redirect my mind like you would a small toddler getting into something they're not supposed to.
In general, I have to constantly remind myself that it's not my place to set everyone in the universe straight, lots of times I just need to trust the Universe to set someone straight.
My responsibility is to keep my side of the street clean with clear, direct and kind communication.
I definitely would let it sit until I took my vacation -- and didn't think about her or the situation while on vacation. I think mtnlaurel offers sound advice. Apparently no one in charge wants to do the dirty work of correcting this employee or the issues she's bringing into the workplace. So she's not going away. You'll have to figure out if you want to minimize your contact with her to the extent possible (no chit-chat, maybe getting someone to stick around a bit if the two of you need to discuss something) or ... well, I don't see too many other good options at this point other than kind of pretending she doesn't exist.
It is said that 20% of the work force takes 80% of the management and effort. I believe it (I think I got 2 20% ers this last school year). I have a hard time not letting these things in my head either, it is really hard to work with people when you are in a cooperative environment and they are difficult. So I am saying that it is likely not you at all, and that doesn't always solve the problem.
You said something about her being illogical and moving slow, oh boy I hear you on that one. I would realize that you may not get her to understand so it is just about stating clearly what you need her to do to work together. Don't try to argue, just state it and move on. Now this may not solve anything but combined with a good rest on your vacation it may get through more time.
All good stuff, guys. Thanks for the input. I have preemptively spoken to my supervisor and Team Leader before she got to them this week just to give them a heads up on the situation that started this latest ball rolling - they are very well aware of how she operates because no one is happy working with her; however, I know nothing really changes around there and she is not likely to be fired for anything. They already moved her from the pizza counter down to the deli because the best guys in pizza were threatening to leave the department if they didn't do something about her. So they moved her down to the deli for me to deal with! Shuffling the problem around isn't going to fix it because she has been told several times that she must work at being an effective team member. She's just a rotten team player and that's that. I used to not let it effect me so much but lately, I feel like I am a hair trigger away from losing it at work with her. It's kind of weird, as I am actually quite mild-mannered and easy-going but when my fuse is lit, I just plain react sometimes in not a very mature fashion. I'm not sure what is going on with that (wacky hormones?) Impending vacation?) but I feel like I really need to watch myself the next few days and WALK AWAY when she starts getting to me. She is super passive-aggressive and it's bugging me a LOT.
I think if I have to work with her again this week I am going to take the high road and just lay it out nicely and state something like "_______, I realize lately that we have not been communicating very effectively with each other and I would like to try and work out with you a way we can communicate to each other respectfully and do a great job opening the deli in the morning (or something to that effect). I would like to apologize to you for being snappy the other day, etc, etc.
Sometimes I feel that you are overly concerned and critical about everything I do and that makes me feel angry. Lets try to put aside our personality differences and work together to make the deli run as smoothly as possible in the morning. We both know we are overworked and understaffed but if we agree to work together , it will be a lot more pleasant for every one involved (or something to that effect). I might have the supervisor sit in on this so we have a third party witness.
Arrggghhhhhhh! People are getting to me so bad lately! I can't wait to be driving in my car alone for three days - after a while, I'll end up striking up random conversations with strangers on my travels when I get sick of being by myself! But get me outta town, and soon!
It's my experience, in my own life, that when someone obsesses me to the degree that you're describing (LOVE the renting space on my head concept, thank you!), it is an older & deeper issue for me than the one in front of me. Generally, for me, a family of origin issue.
You have all my sympathies! I get sooo triggered by some people (well, mostly just the birth mom of my step kids, as some may have divined by my other posts), and in my very best moments, I can view them (ok, her) as a Buddha, and a ready teacher. Oy, I hate even typing this!! She is NOT my teacher, she's a crazy b*tch who has messed with my movie!!!
Ok... Whew! My approach is this: I breathe, and breathe again, then drop the story I am constructing about that individual. I have to do this over & over & over again in rapid succession, as "dropping the story" often lasts about 2 secs. That's why it's called a practice...
You cannot do a darn thing about her; her behavior, nothing. Nothing. What you can do is just drop the story you tell about her. THAT is how you evict her from your head, and from dominating your life. Bless your heart, my dear! Hugs.
SiouzQ - agreeing with the advice you've gotten here so far.
Also wanted to add that this really infuriates me about managers in general everywhere: not dealing with a bad employee means they're not doing their managerial duties! That's the "manage" part in "manager."
Can't comprehend why she's still there, but I've seen it happen elsewhere too. Sheesh.
It's my experience, in my own life, that when someone obsesses me to the degree that you're describing (LOVE the renting space on my head concept, thank you!), it is an older & deeper issue for me than the one in front of me. Generally, for me, a family of origin issue.
Hugs.
Oh I really agree. I have had that struggle this year, things I thought I was done with and am still dealing with. The interesting thing is that there are issues that still come up and that does not always mean that I have something still to deal with. I was talking to someone the other day and the idea came to me, there are really crappy people out there. Sometimes that means I need to deal with an issue and sometimes that means they are crappy and difficult and I actually am not responsible for that (okay I have an over responsible issue actually). Lots of people have an issue with her, likely it is more her issue but that does not mean we can't learn from it.
Oh I really agree. I have had that struggle this year, things I thought I was done with and am still dealing with. The interesting thing is that there are issues that still come up and that does not always mean that I have something still to deal with. I was talking to someone the other day and the idea came to me, there are really crappy people out there. Sometimes that means I need to deal with an issue and sometimes that means they are crappy and difficult and I actually am not responsible for that (okay I have an over responsible issue actually). Lots of people have an issue with her, likely it is more her issue but that does not mean we can't learn from it.
Oh, definitely! For me, it's when I've noticed that I am getting hooked by said crappiness that something else is going on besides the immediate situation. I can be totally fine no matter what and then BLAM! Something hooks me. It's my reaction, not the other person's actions, that is my clue to my being hooked.... Maybe some day I will have complete equanimity!
What do you like about this woman? Anything? Colour of her eyes? Focus on that when you are ready to throttle her and it will detoxify the situation and put you back in control of yourself and the situation.
Can you divvy up your work so that she assumes control of some small aspect and lives with whether it is done or not so that she, alone, suffers the consequences of her inappropriate action or inaction? EG - put her in charge of the cheese section ...
Examine the job and see how/where you can regain control of your time and space in a positive manner. That way, when the manager questions something, you can say, "I struggled to deal with a very difficult situation that I have told you about in a Team setting."
You guys are so awesome, I love everything you have related back to me because I see myself in everyone!
I finally realized what it is that she does that infuriates me so - it's her scolding and dismissive tone of voice when she asks me to do something. Remember, she is the one with seniority here; she's been there five years, I have been there one. I walk in there everyday vowing to be nice, show friendliness, talk with her about stuff (her kid, the weather, our mutual love of camping) but when it comes to the actual job and the give and take it requires to make the place function, it falls apart.
The other day I simply and nicely asked her when she was opening the salames, that she cut them in half because it is easier to deal with them in the meat slicer when they are shorter, rather than being a foot long piece of meat that tips over when you slice it. It is common practice with everyone else in the department to do this; it doesn't take any longer to cut a hunk of salame in half after you remove it from the package and before you you wrap it in saran wrap to put in the refrigerator. A simple request that was met with an argument from her that "nobody ever told me to do it that way and I won't do it" because a supervisor didn't tell me to....stupid stuff like this. I was sort of incredulous that she would actually give me grief for such a SIMPLE request that helps everyone out by saving TIME when it is busier later. There happened to be a customer on the other side of the counter that heard our exchange that I didn't realize was standing there - she said I was yelling at her (not true- my voice was not raised loudly, but it is possible that the customer heard us arguing). To head off matters I went to the Assistant Team Leader right away and explained the situation and she told me not to worry about and sure enough, ____ went to her as well to complain about me later.
So that is what started this latest thing. Pretty stupid, huh? I am going to go outside and attempt to clear my mind before I head off to work later and do my best to be the most pleasant and easy person to work with for the SAKE OF THE TEAM.
I realize it is a management problem and has been for a long time (I'm not even going to go there about the management of the place). All I can do is take care of my own reactions to things that piss me off and continue to work on my communication skills with people. And it is true this seems to be the catalyst for this greater thing I need to work on that effects my entire life. And it is true there are family of origin issues with this as well...
frugalone
6-11-13, 11:40am
+1
I am astounded by how many companies keep totally incompetent people in place. I have been hearing stories about my predecessor and how she was a total screw-up, could not do the simplest tasks on the job, hid when there was work to do, lied constantly...and they kept her here for 3 years! Why? With 10% unemployment, they couldn't find someone better? Someone told me it's because you have to have "proof that someone is screwing up" before firing takes place. I find that hard to believe in an "at will" employment state.
In any event, definitely put it out of your mind while on vacation. Don't talk to her unless it's absolutely necessary. Ignore her attitude if you can.
Here are some ideas that pop into my head:
- Can you put in a confidential request to not be scheduled on same shifts as her?
- Do absolutely nothing about it until after you return from vacation refreshed
Lots of times I just put someone that irks me in The Moron Category and every time my mind wants to wander over to wasting time on them, I say to myself, "Hey, we've been over this before, they're a Moron why are you wasting good brain cells on that! Let's think about my dear co-worker Sally & how awesome she is (or let's think about how I'm going to win the Points of Service contest... or the amazing sunrise over the desert I'm going to see in 2 weeks... or my favorite music)"...... Almost like I try to redirect my mind like you would a small toddler getting into something they're not supposed to.
In general, I have to constantly remind myself that it's not my place to set everyone in the universe straight, lots of times I just need to trust the Universe to set someone straight.
My responsibility is to keep my side of the street clean with clear, direct and kind communication.
SQ, great insight. I too get triggered by such things as tone of voice (hello, daddy issues!). Your coworker sounds scared and defensive right off the bat in the exchange you shared. Since you cannot change her, the only thing you can do is change your responses to her. A therapist friend once said this to me -- when someone pushes your buttons, there are three options: push back so hard that they topple; negotiate IF they are able to; or hide your button panel. There are definitely people in my life from whom I hide my button panel, and they a usually the ones I don't have enough of a relationship with to negotiate. (The only time I push hard enough for them to topple is with my cats. They DO get off the counter! Otherwise, I do not choose this aggressive route.) Or, as she also says, it's my job as an adult to manage my own anxiety. Oy! Not always so easy...
Good luck, m'dear! Please continue to keep us posted.
The other day I simply and nicely asked her when she was opening the salames, that she cut them in half because it is easier to deal with them in the meat slicer when they are shorter, rather than being a foot long piece of meat that tips over when you slice it. It is common practice with everyone else in the department to do this; it doesn't take any longer to cut a hunk of salame in half after you remove it from the package and before you you wrap it in saran wrap to put in the refrigerator. A simple request that was met with an argument from her that "nobody ever told me to do it that way and I won't do it" because a supervisor didn't tell me to....stupid stuff like this.
My next step would have been to have a supervisor (even from another department if you can't find your own) come over and suggest coworker cut the salames just the way you (and everyone else) does it, for the stated reason. Maybe remind the supervisor that a salame that's dropped on the floor is now shrink, not profit.
The next thing I would do, after the incident, is to write it down. Keep a log of these "incidents": date, situation, what you said, what she said, reactions,.... It doesn't take much -- one of those free Hallmark pocket calendar books is fine.
I couldn't care less if supervisors see this as piddly cr@p they shouldn't have to deal with; they've created this mess with your coworker and they should bear the brunt of their inaction. As someone else posted previously, managing employees and activities are what supervisors are paid the "big bucks" to do. Make them do their jobs. If the supervisor has to tell coworker three or four times a week to do just what her coworkers are telling her, maybe something will sink in (to either one) and things will change. They certainly won't change if management does not suffer any consequences of its faulty attempt to treat coworker nicely by making all of her colleagues suffer. You should at least have the support of the other people you work with. Maybe you all should have little log books. And if management doesn't want to deal with even this, then you might want to consider how much longer you want to work at a place which will support such dysfunction at the expense of everyone else.
I get that it's hard to fire people, even in at-will states. The issue is partly the confrontation, which some people avoid like anything. But the other major issue is fear of legal retribution; that the fired employee will drag WF into court alleging that they were terminated because of their gender/orientation/religion/race/ethnicity/whatever. You can't fire someone just because they're an a$$. You also can't fire someone for not doing their job if there's no concrete standard for what that job is. But if you've documented that coworker is violating WF rules or de facto policies, that gives management a discrete starting point on corrective action or dismissal.
... Or, it could be a case of B*tchy Resting Face...
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=3v98CPXNiSk&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D3v98CPXNiSk%26feature%3 Dyoutu.be
ROFLMAO!
I totally understand the Zen aspect, but - the other thing I learned the hard way is to speak up early.
Since the crazy employee has just transferred into that department and she's already being belligerant and non-cooperative, then just trying to ignore or accommodate her craziness can, IME, sometimes make the situation worse. When they have no boundaries or push-back, there's no reason to restrain themselves and things can escalate into real ugliness. I know of an employee once who actually carried a hidden audio device because she knew her supervisors would not have believed what her crazy co-worker was saying to her without proof.
I'm not saying to take this into the boxing ring, but am saying keep your guard up and don't allow her to treat you badly just for the sake of keeping the peace. I'm also saying do both: learn the karmic lesson (if there is one) in your dealings with her, but also set boundaries NOW or expect months and/or years of this.
Today went pretty all right after all - I didn't have to go in until noon and the person in question had been there since 6am so I only had to work with her a couple of hours. She was real shocked when I asked her nicely how she was doing; the rest of my time with her was spent being around other people but I could tell she was gunning for and watching everything I did to see if I did anything wrong that she could tattle to the supervisors about (I think she looks for people to make mistakes as she is always being talked to about her inability to get along with people, she wants to catch someone else doing something wrong. I sure felt a lot more relaxed when she left and I got to work with my old night crew buddies for once!
I am having my annual review tomorrow or the next day, so we'll see how that turns out. She may be having her review as well. Tomorrow I work with her again in the morning but the supervisor will be there so I think it will go just fine. It's just weird to me that it stirred up so much discomfort in me. I realize I HATE it when people don't like me! And I do think I have a faulty sense of feeling responsible for everything and every one - a good thing to mull over as I try to work on how I relate to people.
I know of an employee once who actually carried a hidden audio device because she knew her supervisors would not have believed what her crazy co-worker was saying to her without proof.
I'm going to have to suggest this to a friend of mine. This person has been having massive issues with one woman who is the pet of management. Apparently verbally abusive to others as well. My friend was told recently that it would be better for everyone if my friend just committed suicide. I urged him to go to HR, since his manager has turned a deaf ear to previous things the person has said.
" ... but the supervisor will be there so I think it will go just fine." To me, there's your proof: she's a bully, and she does and says things to co-workers Because She Can. She does not do or say those things to management. More proof that this is not some weird personality disorder, but behavior she can and does control.
The sometimes corny Dr. Phil has a saying that's accurate: You teach people how to treat you.
You can't change her, but you can change how she acts around you if she knows there will be consequences.
I'm going to have to suggest this to a friend of mine. This person has been having massive issues with one woman who is the pet of management. Apparently verbally abusive to others as well. My friend was told recently that it would be better for everyone if my friend just committed suicide. I urged him to go to HR, since his manager has turned a deaf ear to previous things the person has said.
Tradd, that is absolutely awful. I would definitely report this to HR, and as Steve has suggested, keep a log of this behavior. and yes, if that were me, I'd have an audio recording device with me at all times. Is this a possible age discrimination issue with your friend? If yes, and they are 40 or older, they can turn to the EEOC as well. If that doesn't get management's attention, I don't know what will.
That is awful Tradd! Bypass HR and get a free consult with a LAWYER! I hate work place bullies and passive-aggressive looney tunes!
Sorry to hear about this SQ...I have dealt with so many women like that in my working life...Management cannot deal with them so they get moved around while the rest of the people have to learn to work with the difficult person. I agree with documenting everything and letting management know what is going on. However, you may have to set a boundary with the this person also, unfortunately some people can only relate to "in your face" telling off. I had to do that years back....take the person into the conference room and tell them to back off unless they wanted to take it into the parking lot....worked very well, she was very nice to me after that :)
citrine,
I agree about workplace bullies too. We think of this as an issue for kids on the playground, but some work places can become a Lord of the Flies type atmosphere with only a few bullies and no one in management with a spine.
A friend told me recently that one of the female attorneys in her large firm was fired to the surprise and relief of the many staff she'd bullied over the last few years. Finally, one of her managing partners figured it it was her - and not the many underlings she'd gone through - and did the right thing.
No. 1 rule: Don't Hire Jerks. No. 2 rule: If you inadvertently hire a jerk, Fire Them right away!
Lainey, I did tell my friend that. Just to clarify, friend works at another company, not mine.
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