View Full Version : my mom sent me foreclosure resources
So my mom heard a speaker at her church and he used to work in Denver (where I live) and he spoke about things like foreclosures. My mom of course told him my sob story including that I am now in bankruptcy and told me that he 'cringed'. So I got an email with resources from this guy forwarded from my mom.
This is sending me into a tailspin, something that I am torn about. I mean she obviously cares and is trying to do something, but my foreclosure was 3 years ago and the bankruptcy is filed. I did my best research and work but this is what happened. Most of the time I feel good about how I have handled all of it, when I get mad it is because pretty much everyone took for granted the 7 years I paid the mortgage as a single mom (with a really good amount from my ex, that was the problem, it wasn't my earned income). But I was smart enough to see this coming and take care of it while I still had money to live on and rent a place, and I took care of it in a responsible way.
So it is not about that, it is about my mom. And I am a mom of pretty old kids myself so I give her a break on not being perfect. But the damn family story and the rigid beliefs about who we are just kill me some times. I am so tired of it. And I am really really tired of people understanding what I am saying years after the fact. It is probably an introvert thing but it gets old. When some of the assumptions my mom has come up it really hurts my feelings, there are some that are old but can still hold a sting. Those are the ones that are still going and going in some fashion or another. One is that she really does not agree with how I spend my time (not enough cleaning and the refrain 'your kids need you' that went on for years) but is not paying attention to what i am doing. Classic was when she visited and I said I needed to pay bills so she was going to cook dinner, great right. Then she showed her same passive aggressive anger, came over to me and told me she was not cooking so I could play on the computer. She never thought I was paying bills on the computer and had been acting out this anger for ages. I had no clue why she displayed this anger and she denied any attempt to talk about it.
We are going on a vacation in a couple weeks, everyone meeting at the beach in Michigan and my parents are renting the house which is great. I am looking forward to it but I need to clear this crap out of my system. I am 46 and sometimes now they let me cook a meal at one of these things. I know I am different, I eat different, I am a different religion, I raised my kids different, etc. But I also did a lot of things because I know I am totally outside their box. I have always owned a small coffee maker and I have never drank coffee, but had it for when my mom visits. Now they like my homemade salsa and a couple things I cook, I never try to make quinoa for them after all. I have 2 recipes my dad will eat and I am going to push to cook more meals this vacation if they will let me.
I think that is it, I am outside their box and therefore my mom doesn't know how to talk to me about losing my house but I take the emails and newspaper clippings on how to find jobs, when she visits I sometimes can eat her food (she makes the kids all the food they all know I won't eat like pork) but if I cook I make sure I cook something she and my dad can eat. She got me a zen-a-day calendar this year, she used to get up and leave the room when Buddhism came up but since I have been doing this 25+ years I guess we are getting used to it. I can see her really trying more since my life fell apart a few years ago, it is just hard to know you are this difficult for your parents since you are simply so different.
This seems like what it is like when you get beyond the stories of how they are wrong and bad, or you are wrong and bad. (gotta insert some buddhism of course).
iris lilies
6-30-13, 12:13pm
Why would you "push to cook more meals" if your cooking doesn't appeal to the dominant group? Why would you do that while on a vacation? Some people are not adventursome in eating and while I personlly find that boring, I'm not going to eat every meal with them for the rest of my life, so let them be. It's their choice to eat what they want.
When you (the generic you) agree to go on vacation with a group and you are the outlier and you know it, it just seems to me a waste of energy to "push" for anything. And then, IF the group is closed about who cleans up afterwards and won't let you do that as well, well--shazaaaam! Enjoy your vacationwith no work!
So you don't get along with your mother in close quarters and for sustained periods, many don't. I was just talking to someone about this same thing and she doesn't go on vacation with her mother.
While I understand a rant to this web group now and then about your status in your family, deliberately choosing to go with them on vacation AND THEN asserting your (to them unwelcome and foreign) ways just seems silly. Sorry.
Zoe Girl, A vacation with the family is my idea of hell....so you are brave to be going. I too would say- don't bother to cook unless asked. Just go, be Zen like if you can and try to enjoy the experience. As my husband ( with whom I love to vacation- alone with him) would sayl- just be quiet and let them be....
iris lilies
6-30-13, 12:31pm
Zoe Girl, A vacation with the family is my idea of hell....so you are brave to be going. I too would say- don't bother to cook unless asked. Just go, be Zen like if you can and try to enjoy the experience. As my husband ( with whom I love to vacation- alone with him) would sayl- just be quiet and let them be....
It's amazing that I've been on several family trips overseas and had really good experiences. I still look back at those efforts and think: how did this go so well!??? haha. And it was wboth sides of the family, DH's side and then my side.
If it's any consolation, many parents are like yours. They're not going to change.
I'm with Iris Lilies re the cooking--unless you're afraid you're not going to have anything to eat...
It's amazing that I've been on several family trips overseas and had really good experiences. I still look back at those efforts and think: how did this go so well!??? haha. And it was wboth sides of the family, DH's side and then my side.
I agree, iris lillies. Not to sound like a gloat, but really, my complaint is that I don't go on enough trips with my extended family. I love them and I just wish we lived closer. When MIL was alive, she went on every family vaca with us, and yes, sometimes it got crazy, and of course we always didn't see eye-to-eye, but I treasure every one of those experiences.
I feel bad that some parents didn't foster that with their children and are now reaping the consequences. Zoe Girl, I'm sorry that your mother makes you feel like an outsider. Is there any way you can look for ways you are alike and build on that and try to ignore the rest?
Oh no, let me make it totally clear, I do NOT cook what I like and force it on them. I cook things they will eat including things I do not generally eat. Like I said, I have had a coffee maker my entire adult life and don't drink coffee. This vacation is very important to my mother, she helps me financially and in general tries hard but basically it is still difficult. I work hard at doing some of the things that are important to them, I guess feeling I need to make up for being who I am who is a person hard for them to understand.
I 'push' to cook because I am a contributing adult member of this family on a shared vacation. I do not expect my mother to do all the work, it should be fairly equal or I would be happy doing more than she does because I am younger. Sometimes I can't help it, like last time we did this she washed all the towels daily when pretty much they were used at the beach and nothing else. I told her I wanted to help with the work but I didn't see washing the towels every use so maybe we could find me other ways to do more.
It is just frustrating, the things I do to be helpful and build a relationship are not understood. The things she tries are difficult because I feel a judgment included in everything (such as why did I have to have a foreclosure when she found housing resources 3 years later).
" The things she tries are difficult because I feel a judgment included in everything (such as why did I have to have a foreclosure when she found housing resources 3 years later)."
Oh, Zoe Girl How they can make us crazy!!! My own mother could do this and I never really got the knack of letting it go. Good luck to you.
iris lilies
6-30-13, 2:56pm
The mom/daughter thing is difficult, I will say that.
Becuase I have a small world, I relate most things to what I know, and that is bulldogs.In the bulldog world there is only one alpha bitch in the place. The a-bitch gets to decide about everything. Our current alpha is tiny and bossy, very bossy. Things must be done in a certain way. Our last alpha-B was big, strong, and laid back and didn't care how the other dogs lived or what they did unless there was a fight, and then she moved in to break it up. We, the humans, didn't even realize that she WAS the alpha until a couple of incidents showed that the other dogs looked to her for leadership.
So Zoe's mom must be alpha, the towels must be washed each day! No exceptions! So be it, whatever. Unless Zoe is ready to tackle her and throw her on her back, she's gonna be alpha.
I will say that there are persons, usually of my gender, who seem to value "make work." If that person then complains about all of the work to be done wtih no help, I roll my eyes, pitch in, and make certain that I never get myself into a situation like that again with that person.
I can see her really trying more since my life fell apart a few years ago, it is just hard to know you are this difficult for your parents since you are simply so different.
I find that last ("you are this difficult for your parents") interesting. I guess I never considered whether I made my parents' lives difficult; I was just being the Steve that worked for me. Certainly looking back, I can see choices I made that made their lives more difficult. But my parents encouraged me to live my life, not be miniature versions of them, and it seems to work because my mom (my dad having passed away) likes who I am now. Some of my interests and abilities are ones they never had or exhibited in their lives. I'm me.
Some of that has taken getting used to. It took a long time until I even told my parents that I had abandoned their religion. But they've accommodated and neither of us make a big deal out of it now. But that's my family's dynamics. It sounds to me like there are still some dynamics related to conformity and family duty that you are wrestling with. Maybe your mom is, too. It sounds like she is making steps in the right direction, however slowly. Of course, the bigger the change, the longer it takes to feel comfortable with it.
And there are some things your mom may never quite understand (or want to know) on a factual basis, like the foreclosure process. My mom still clips newspaper articles for me on how to do things in Windows, which hasn't made an appearance on one of my own computers in about 27 years... But God bless her for thinking that I might be interested.
My husband would say "stop trying or hoping she will change. She has had XX years to become the way she is and you are not going to change her." I would look at how you are reacting and figure out how to change that.
Steve is so right. You are your own unique person and you should celebrate your own self. So what if your mother sends articles, at least she is thinking and probably worrying about you. That is pretty much what Moms do. Throw them away, talk to her about other things, do what you want or have to do.
ps: If she keeps a different type of house than you or washes sheets and towels every day, so what? She is her own unique person and was raised by her mother and her generation to do things a certain way. I would look at her if she asks why you don't and say with a huge smile " Oh mom, you are such a clean freak and I love you."
pss: Zoe you need to get a huge grip on how you are letting these issues to agonize you and create such negative response on your part. Look at it from an outsider's view. She sent you an email with attachments. Read it or not, delete it. Nice of her and of no use. No agony. I do find the delete button or garbage can quite a release.
family dynamics are interesting, and I am not obsessing over this. I just wanted to talk about it is all. I am moving on from the old stories more, not so much that someone is a horrible person or even that she intends anything mean, just examining them on their way out. There are certain assumptions we all make from our families, like thinking I could hit delete and it is over. I would love that one. She calls and asks about it. Honestly she doesn't listen all that well. I can tell her things and we go months or years to get the message moving along. Most things are not something I worry about but the ones she keeps bringing up just need to be talked about.
Yes Steve, It is obvious that I am difficult for my parents. For one things I reasonably talk about some of these things rather than let a misunderstanding fester. There are many times when I see this ability to deal with things make situations better. There are a few times when our relationship would have been severed if I hadn't been willing to keep up the difficult conversations. I had to tell her once that she could not have my oldest child visit because she did not believe in peanut allergies, kept on sending care packages of peanut laden foods and refused to consider that the epi pen was from a DR instead of me overreacting. That was the hardest thing EVER. I think I was more upset than she was, but now she goes out of her way to make us peanut free food which is amazing after she had about 13 years of total denial culminating in me feeling my child was not safe. So yes I should be able to put these things in perspective but I got a little worn out. I have let the minor issues go but it seems that the ones I really have to pay attention to get pushed so very far, hints don't work, direct conversation with all the skills I have developed through work don't make a big difference, and so it gets to the point of rude bluntness.
I guess the theme is overall being ready to let go of old stories and mostly being ready to let go of feeling primarily responsible for relationships based on my underlying feeling that I am responsible for being the outlier, and the stress that causes. Ah well, this is saying goodbye to that I hope
Becuase I have a small world, I relate most things to what I know, and that is bulldogs.In the bulldog world there is only one alpha bitch in the place. The a-bitch gets to decide about everything. Our current alpha is tiny and bossy, very bossy. Things must be done in a certain way.
I will say that there are persons, usually of my gender, who seem to value "make work." If that person then complains about all of the work to be done wtih no help, I roll my eyes, pitch in, and make certain that I never get myself into a situation like that again with that person.
OMG!! We have one cousin in the family that has cut all ties with his mom and everyone. I feel horrible because my aunt is a very nice person. I will struggle with my mom but can't imagine causing that hurt by totally leaving. I was talking to my other aunt who I am close to (she is her generations black sheep and I am mine to my parents but everyone else seems to like me) and we realized that there is little room for my generation to be adults. My mother and aunts are alpha's and when they get together there is hardly room for anyone else. They are nice, they laugh all the time, Thanksgiving is a blast with tons of people at my aunts historic farm house, but me and and my brother try to bring our dishes to contribute and it is a fight. I come on the train so I brought crackers and brie and other easy snacks, I finally had to just call my aunt directly and tell her I was bringing it because my mom was so insistent that I would hurt feelings by bringing something to share (my aunt was fine with it, and said thanks)
Oh dear, female alphas
. . My mom still clips newspaper articles for me on how to do things in Windows, which hasn't made an appearance on one of my own computers in about 27 years... But God bless her for thinking that I might be interested.
Steve, this brought back memories. My parents are long deceased, but my mom was a champion of clipping out news articles and sending them to her adult kids.
They were usually as oddball and slightly wackly as she was: e.g. "how to marry a rich man" or "should you move to Alaska" - just apropos of nothing. My sis actually compiled them one year during college and then showed them to her fellow art students in class in a slide show. She said they were falling out of their chairs laughing. We kids all found these slightly endearing, and then of course ignored them and led our own lives.
Bottom line, I think you have to look at intent. If they love you and just want to help in their own clumsy way, take it for what it is. If they are trying to mess with your head, then that's another story.
rodeosweetheart
6-30-13, 6:28pm
This thread made me think of the Harriet Lerner books Dance of Anger and Dance of Intimacy. I was really struck by what you said here:
"It is just frustrating, the things I do to be helpful and build a relationship are not understood. The things she tries are difficult because I feel a judgment included in everything"
I think what is goingn on here is generational, not really gender-based at all, nothing to do with alpha femaleness. I wondered if your mother could have been the speaker of these words, too--wouldn't they rather accurately describe her feelings? Or could your daughter say the same thing, or you say the same thing of your daughter?
My mother is in her end years now, and how we struggled with the same things you describe here, how many years of hurt feelings on both sides, of "wrongness" or "outlier identity." Yet I would do anything to have been a bit less judgmental towards her efforts to help me, as bizarre and judgmental those efforts seemed at times--and I know she feels the same way. Maybe now we have just both finally given up trying to "fix" each other and are both just expressing love and acceptance, and sorrow for the wasted time.
Can you just bless your mother for thinking of you and trying to help? I think of the things I try to do to help my own children and how they think I am judging them or wanting them to be a certain way--hell, I just want them to be happy and safe, and I suspect that is true of all mother-daughters and all daughter-mother relationships and mother-son and son-mother relationships. I wish I had been less, well, judgmental when I judged what my mother would say or do to try to help. It is very hard to help the next generation, the world changes to quickly. Yet we cannot give up wanting to try, it is what being a parent is.
What kind of breaks my heart in all this is that I realize now my mother always had my back, although she may not have expressed it very tactfully, and she found me a very odd kid. But when she is gone, and it will be sooner rather than later, I will miss her terribly, and never again experience that wholehearted love.
I can see that, I am not to that place of 'softness' yet. I can see her efforts rather intellectually but the last many years have made me very very tough. On one hand I really should let go but that often means putting up some more layers of barrier, and yet overall I probably could soften up which I have been doing more of, and then have a hard time getting my feelings hurt.
Added to that a whole lot of anger, part of it gets focused intergenerationally. I worked really really hard, actually in some ways harder than my parents who had pensions and reasonable health insurance and never worked 2 jobs during grad school. And I have lost my house and have a bankruptcy. Fine, things are not fair and I understand that. But the last straw is to get advice from someone who has had a good income for 40+ years, who assumes things that make no sense at all, and who continually thinks that if I did something better or worked harder of course I could be doing as well, meanwhile why can't I buy more new furniture or 'gut my house' or deal with little things after all. Every day she visits includes little comments like 'look the microwave is clean for a change' while I spend hours on BK paperwork. I keep doing the right things I think, even here my well intentioned idea of cooking for my family is misunderstood, I think about how I will feel when she is older, thinking about how she cares for all of us, making sure I do things that I know are important to her, and just wondering if I haven't put all that ahead of caring for myself.
So it sounds like the real issue is that your mom pretty much doesn't respect you (I esp get that from the peanut allergy thing!). Whether it's cluelessness or viciousness or some sort of thing that makes her feel better about herself, it's there. "Trying to help" can be manipulative, and it sounds like your mom is a master; intentionally or not. The way to get out of it is to stop having a guilt reaction. Easier said than done, but logic helps. It sounds like you're logical and also meditative so this will help. Probably nothing will change her but if you don't respond with guilt then *you* will feel better. Being assertively honest and also asking why some particular thing is something she won't let go might help, but only you would know that. As for petty stuff like washing the towels every day then complaining about how much work it is, a simple answer: "well, if you don't wash them daily I don't think anyone's going to die" may suffice. Possibly she's just looking for appreciation in which case "thanks for washing the towels each day" or "I don't know as anyone really cares about the towels being washed so often but I bet everyone would appreciate you doing X". Then thank her for the new thing, and/or help her with it if you're willing. As for the food, just bring and cook your own each night and explain that you can't eat X. If they're really pushing, ask why they care so much what you're eating. You care what you're eating because it affects how you feel. If they care then they can 1) account for your dietary needs, 2) have you cook stuff everyone can eat or 3) get over themselves.
I guess the theme is overall being ready to let go of old stories and mostly being ready to let go of feeling primarily responsible for relationships based on my underlying feeling that I am responsible for being the outlier, and the stress that causes. Ah well, this is saying goodbye to that I hope
That sounds like the right direction to me, ZG.
rodeosweetheart
7-1-13, 9:53am
It is hard to let go to that extent when you still need to put up barriers to protect the self. It sounds as though you are in the middle of defining how you best can protect yourself, be your authentic self, yet still have a relationship with someone who has difficulty understanding and/or accepting that authetic self.
Hmm, I have been thinking a lot, in the process of trying to change things in myself and move on rather than obsess. Thank you all for your insights. I was thinking on my drive home how my mother has an incredible talent over the years of walking into my home and immediately finding something that is valuable to me in my own way (a plant I am bringing back from near death, a coffee table I am refinishing, etc). and suggesting it be thrown out in the trash. ah sigh,
So the cooking for people thing. I think I want someone to deeply understand this, and I am letting go of that being my mother. I made an attempt to talk to my sister a little but I still think there is too much other stuff going on (she thinks mom doesn't want me to cook so I can really relax, geez, sitting on a couch with TV is like death warmed over to me!!!) I told them both that I will cook things they like, but. So maybe someone here can just hear what it means to me and then I can move on.
When I started to think about this vacation I started to think about my family and the food that they like. My dad likes chicken and the marsala sauce I make with lots of mushrooms. He will eat vegetables and when I make the egg noodles tossed with butter and fresh parsley then the whole meal looks good on the table. I can then go into thoughts about what would be in a salad or what type of bread is perfect. My nephews do not like cream sauce, actually they are a bit picky at their age, but I bet a breakfast of french toast and bacon would be good. I make french toast with cinnamon and nutmeg in the batter, and sometimes cream instead of milk. It is very tasty, with fruit on the side so the plate looks good. I go through the process in my head, smelling and working with all the ingredients ahead of time, seeing the finished plate or table, imagining the entire connected meal which includes the people eating, the cook, the freshness of ingredients, etc. I think this description does not even come close to the process of art I feel it is
And in this I realize that I can only think of the things my mother does not eat, I am not sure what to cook for her out of everyone. And she is the one telling me directly she does not want me to cook. Maybe I can stop trying to talk to her and instead find something really awesome to feed her (which could take a lifetime ya know)
iris lilies
7-1-13, 7:56pm
... My sis actually compiled them one year during college and then showed them to her fellow art students in class in a slide show. She said they were falling out of their chairs laughing. ..
....
OMG that is funny!
What are the moms of today doing, the moms who can't use a computer? How are they getting information to send to their children? Guess they are still clipping newspaper and magazine articles.
ZG, I have learned that, for me, cooking borders on therapy. It's more than just a substitution activity for when I'm stressed or just putting nutritious food items on a plate. Sometimes it feels like art; sometimes adventure; always a way to express that I care about the people I'm feeding. So I think I can at least approach where you're at.
That said, not everyone speaks that same language or even the same dialect. Yesterday, I served a roasted chicken with a balsamic glaze that DW almost inhaled. First time for that recipe, so I had no idea it would be such a hit. Yet (and I've tried lots of times), regardless of how well it may meet DW's particular nutritional needs, a dish of braised greens served on the side will result in a lot of "plate redecoration" and not much eating.
You've identified that it's important to cook the items people like to eat. Maybe your mom just doesn't like to eat. Maybe she is trying to "protect" you by not expending your energy on food she simply does not care about. You could indeed spend a lifetime trying to find the dish that rings the 10-pound bell. Or maybe you can allow that food does not seem as important to your mom as it is to you and find another way to show you care about her. JMHO.
I can just go and do some cooking and know that the rest of the people will understand. Last night we made saag paneer (actually saag tofu) and it was so very tasty. I need a LOT more chili peppers in this recipe however. I actually have a kid at camp who wants to try tofu and Indian food so i am bringing extra.
I think for my mom it is a lot of her needing to be the caretaker and in that control, I think most things I would offer based on past experience would not get across the intention I wanted anyway. Some things came up this last week such as ways she has overstepped some serious boundaries with me and my children that are painful. I am struggling with not telling the story because generally I get advised to let things go and i am wary of being misunderstood, but basically around my daughter giving up her baby for adoption my mom took a memorablia item intended for me and there is no way to talk about this, it has taken a year (yes baby is a year old!) to even face it myself. So accepting someone's food is interesting,
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