View Full Version : Tried to leave Facebook - friends very upset
I've wanted to leave Facebook for a while. I sent messages to everyone, advising them of what I was going to do and asking for email addresses/alternative contact information. A number of friends went up in arms - and by friends, I mean actual friends, not just Facebook "friends." I estimate I would have lost about five long-distance friends if I had quit Facebook. They just won't use other means of contact. I prefer email/snail mail, other than the phone/texting.
So, I'm staying, but oh the drama. I'd already deleted a bunch of folks, and now I'm adding some of them back...
It's just insane.
In your friends' defense, maybe you're about the only person with whom they'd be exchanging emails? Everyone else in their circles gets Facebook or txt msgs. I don't know that for sure, but I do know that it's exception processing for them and might require them to learn how to upload and download photos, etc. in some other program or site.
However, if they truly are your friends and you've told them you strongly prefer another mode of communication, they should at least make the attempt to employ that mode. A (former, but not the whole reason why) friend of mine always called me at work to chat despite my asking him numerous times not to. I wasn't often at my desk and, if I was, I was not comfortable having social conversations with him in Cubicle City. I told him it was far easier for me to respond to emails than phone calls. He never quite got it -- or didn't want to. He'd call, I'd see the number ringing in, and it went to voicemail. He'd leave a short cryptic message: "Steve, it's <name>. Call me!" Eventually I would email him back asking what was up. Maybe that was rude of me, but I just could not handle the calls, not even long enough to interrupt my boss at my cube or the meeting I was in to say "I'll call you back." My other friends honored my request. At least most of the time.
Use Facebook as you wish. The folks who truly want to be part of your life will notice you're not on very often and will come around. Others ... won't.
Why let others dictate what you do? Seems like you are part of the drama, the whole tell everyone you are leaving then staying, deleting people then adding them back.......tiresome.
Oh I understand. I actually dropped off facebook because someone I knew there became creepy. I got super serious about privacy. Then I ended up creating a new one because that is simply how people communicate, most of all cousins and long distance friends. I added a few groups that interest me which helps me want to check but not get into drama with people (I have daily French news, a group about going gray, a couple Buddhist ones and the best is the Onion, so funny). I really like being able to see what people are doing on my own schedule and I don't feel pressured to answer. My mom is not on facebook so everything I post I need to email her first because my aunt will mention things she sees and that could be rude. However I need to unfriend one person, I think she is so far in her political POV that seems like mental illness, outside of what is reasonably part of the political view of her group. It has opened my eyes to how alive racism still is unfortunately. The good news is that I see no one respond to her extreme posts, but I would love an update on her kids or life and that is not what she shares.
I wonder if adding something like The Onion (it is really funny) that gives a daily update on something interesting to you would help if you are now planning to keep up with FB? I found it was a perfect way to enjoy FB without personal drama, just read the funnies once a day, see if anyone had an interesting thing to say, and then move on.
I have a trade group and a closed, private group of long-term online buddies that are good reasons to visit.
Why let others dictate what you do? Seems like you are part of the drama, the whole tell everyone you are leaving then staying, deleting people then adding them back.......tiresome.
So truth yes!
When you want to leave, then leave!
I just check my account less when I'm not in a Facebook kind of mood. No drama caused.
I just got a teen co-worker to help me leave facebook. I did it to keep in touch with a sick niece. She's gone now (died) and it just doesn't fit my lifestyle. I think it's always good to listen to yourself and what you want.
ApatheticNoMore
7-18-13, 11:57am
I don't think you're creating drama. I know the kind of drama people are referring to when people announce they are leaving a public forum, but I don't think this falls into that category at all, especially if you sent personal messages rather than just a grand announcement. You request to your friends: "Please contact me this way in the future". And they reply "I'm to lazy to even bother, ack I have to make a tiny bit of effort other than what I do currently, so not worth it, I'll only contact you via FB". Yea, it's not you creating drama. But maybe best not to ask me what I think of these "friends" .... (at best I can maybe understand where they are coming from if they are nearly completely technically illiterate and don't know *how* to use other means of communication)
It has opened my eyes to how alive racism still is unfortunately. The good news is that I see no one respond to her extreme posts, but I would love an update on her kids or life and that is not what she shares.
I don't blame her (well maybe for the racism but not for what she shares in general). An update on one's life is often WAY TOO PERSONAL for FB!!!! Not that I'd share politics most of the time as it's not a medium for real debate just for rah rah-ing causes - so only if I had something for the like minded.
Bet you wish you'd never even opened this can of worms, eh? I just kind of go underground once in a while, and, not being a really heavy FB user in the first place, people scarcely notice. I do not accept every friend invitation, hide people (unbeknownst to them) who are annoying, and I'm more of a quick scroller than "read every entry" type of user. Maybe it would help if you "went minimalist" on FB.
I tend to use facebook more like you KayLRZ. I've set my newsfeed to not follow an assortment of friends that I don't really want to fully unfriend, but whose posts just don't often interest me. When I feel up to it I can always go and skim through their wall to catch up with family photos and whatever and skim past all the multiple times per day religious posts and whatnot. And I find that just reading and not responding to the one friend's constant drama of "I'm so upset! Why are people such lousy assholes???" is about the right level of contact with her. I think I would've liked her much better in college if she'd been a facebook friend and not a day to day in real life part of my social circle...
iris lilies
7-18-13, 9:13pm
Here's what I don't get about people like Tradd's friends--are they actually sending out PERSONAL messages? They really are not, right? When one posts on Facebook one is addressing the faceless masses. So why does it matter if Tradd is around to read the messages that are not really intended for her personally anyway? What is she really going to miss?
Are Tradd's freinds "upset" to lose important readers? Aren't everyone in this day and age of blogging and F-Book posting looking for an audience?
Other than for grandparents keeping in touch with their grandchildren across the country, I consider F-Book to be useless.
[Said she, the poster of 4,500+ messages on a website about Simplicity, haha!]
Iris -
Some of my friends use the private message feature on Facebook a ton. They'll use that to the almost total exclusion of other means of communication, except maybe the telephone. These are the folks who got very upset when I privately contacted everyone about leaving.
These are long-term good friends, but who live outside of my area. I had no desire to trash the friendships, so I reluctantly stayed.
iris lilies
7-18-13, 9:22pm
Iris -
Some of my friends use the private message feature on Facebook a ton. They'll use that to the almost total exclusion of other means of communication, except maybe the telephone. These are the folks who got very upset when I privately contacted everyone about leaving.
These are long-term good friends, but who live outside of my area. I had no desire to trash the friendships, so I reluctantly stayed.
But they can send messages to you from Facebook, right? They do not have to exit that web software in order to send you messages.
You--just sit back and stop looking at Facebook. Their message will come to your email box. Right? Am I missing something here?
No, their message will not come to my email box. The only email alerts I receive is when someone wants to tag me in a picture (which I NEVER approve). Even if I had it set up that way, I'd still have to respond via Facebook.
iris lilies
7-18-13, 9:44pm
No, their message will not come to my email box. The only email alerts I receive is when someone wants to tag me in a picture (which I NEVER approve). Even if I had it set up that way, I'd still have to respond via Facebook.
ok, I didn't remember exactly how it worked. I know that I get the occasional email to my home email address, the message originating from Facebook, but I guess those are in response to something I posted on Facebook. When I respond I do it from my email account but of course the conversation did not originate there.
Facebook has a feature called 'close friends' in which the email you when someone you have labelled a close friend posts. Sadly it doesn't have that feature from private messages. If it did that would solve your problem. Maybe if enough people asked they would add it.
Facebook is NOT the ideal way to carry on personal relationships, IMHO. It's nice for "postcard" type communications to a broad group, but I have concerns about its lack of privacy. I just joined this awesome group. I don't know ANY of the people personally, but we're all connected to the same interest. However, they use it like we use this discussion board. All kinds of comments and issues being discussed openly among the group--and by the nature of FB, every comment is open for everybody's friends to see. So I don't post at all. I just don't want to bother my friends with conversations I'm having with a bunch of people my friends could care less about. Plus, some of the tone of this group is politically charged and I have a couple of clients as "friends." I definitely don't want to share my personal "religion/politics/money" opinions with those folks!
I don't know why people aren't a tad more concerned about privacy issues with FB. I have nothing to hide, but really, why expose EVERYTHING about yourself, which is what some people do.
If it were me, I'd keep the 5 long-distance friends on FB, or ask them if they wouldn't mind forming a Secret Group with just you guys so that posts are not hanging out there for all to see. Or use the chat feature.
I do get personal messages that are sent to me on facebook sent to my email address. I love that feature...it helps me bypass a whole lot of other "stuff" posted by some people. :)
SteveinMN
7-19-13, 10:59am
I don't know why people aren't a tad more concerned about privacy issues with FB. I have nothing to hide, but really, why expose EVERYTHING about yourself, which is what some people do.
Well, the government has been telling us for years that invasive monitoring is OK if we have nothing to be ashamed of. Younger people, especially, have grown up with very different expectations of privacy than Americans have had over the years. There is some anonymity in numbers. There also is an increasing number of services (like SnapChat) which do not record an entry for the ages. And, honestly, I think some of it is that some younger folks have not yet been burned seriously by something they posted many moons ago. Once that happens, privacy will be a bigger concern.
I had a fairly good friend move out of state a few years ago. Not long afterwards he emailed that he would like to be "friends" on facebook. I replied that I really wanted to stay in touch, but did not do facebook. I suggested we could exchange emails updates every now and then. I never heard back, and pretty much assumed that it was a reflection of the value of our friendship. We still exchange cards at the holidays, but I never quite figured out why facebook was such a big deal.
I never quite figured out why facebook was such a big deal.
Your (ex-?)friend probably is wondering the very same thing. A billion people in the world have accounts on Facebook. Your friend may very well wonder why you have this "thing" about using a product that clearly many other people find useful.
I'm not saying you should use Fb if you don't want to -- just that your friend probably is wondering why you don't just acquiesce. Just sayin'.
ApatheticNoMore
7-19-13, 8:54pm
Your (ex-?)friend probably is wondering the very same thing. A billion people in the world have accounts on Facebook. Your friend may very well wonder why you have this "thing" about using a product that clearly many other people find useful.
I actually feel more I have to apologize if I do use it, know too many geeks, FB might as well be the: :devil:
So yea the demand to use it feels wildly inappropriate and presumptive, so you're asking me give all my information to advertisers or otherwise you won't be my friend anymore? Well okay then ..... (that sounds more like blackmail than friendship - but I suppose if one made an anonymous profile or something)
Afterall doesn't everyone know FB is evil - even those who use it, they all know that right, and just make their deal with the :devil: because it's convenient right?
I don't know why people aren't a tad more concerned about privacy issues with FB. I have nothing to hide, but really, why expose EVERYTHING about yourself, which is what some people do.
Exactly. I mean if you're hiding from government acronym you've got your work cut out for you, but there is a much more common type of privacy, just not wanting potential employers to know everything for instance, not wanting to give it to the ad agencies, etc. ....
SteveinMN
7-19-13, 10:32pm
Privacy seems to have become worth a lot less than it used to be....
happystuff
7-21-13, 4:54pm
I tried it for all of a month before the drama just wasn't worth it. I want to continue to love my family and like my friends and a lot of the things I was reading and requests asked of me... forget it! I didn't friend a lot of folks anyway and I can still reach those that I did, so I'm okay with it. If the friendship is important, it is as much their responsibility to reach me as it is me to reach them. With most family, we've adjusted and do well. With others... oh, well. I reach out... I have no guilt if they don't reach back.
I have to say that my facebook is my biggest link to family and friends. I am pretty much a homebody who is quite content to stay home and not go to parties and gatherings. I don't even care to go into town for shopping for necessities. So FB allows me to see what is happening in their lives and to share mine with them. But i do have a very drama free group of family and friends and they mostly post witty comments on their lives, funny pics of the kids, spouses and their lives. There is no drama, no political statements and no fusses or fighting.
Facebook has been wonderful for me as it has allowed me to stay in contact with my loved ones who are far away and who I don't see often. I am not the type who likes to talk on the phone or go visiting so I love FB for the socializing that it gives me.
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