When do you compromise with your loved ones?

[puglogic]

Pondering this morning my dilemma about friends-of-loved-ones.

It sounds a little like a bad teenaged movie in my head: My husband has a lifelong friend who is, to put it nicely, a world-class jerk. He's insulting, self-centered, abusive, mean-spirited, racist, and generally awful to be anywhere near. For some reason, his male friends find this amusing to be around, like your hilarious jerk friend who always has a funny story to tell (usually about someone else's misfortune). And unfortunately, he travels in some of the same circles we do.

After a particularly dreadful interaction with this guy this past spring, I did some soul-searching and discovered that it really, really ruins my entire day to be anywhere near this guy. He's hateful and awful; I grit my teeth whenever he opens his mouth. So I've made it clear to my sweet husband: do what you want with this guy, I honestly don't care, but I don't want him in MY life/house/vicinity any more. Too nasty.

But what do you do when people like this show up at social events? If I know in advance he's coming to a friendly gathering, I'll excuse myself or find a reason not to be able to attend. But birthday parties? Wedding receptions? Things that are important to OTHER people you care about? Is it really crummy for me to follow my heart and say, "I'd love to come, but it's really just too disturbing for me to be around X any more" ? Is that just bad behavior on my part?

I guess I'm curious what my simple living friends do. How much do you "bend" when it comes to doing things or being around people you hate, when it comes to significant others/husbands/wives/friends?

[KayLR]

Sadly, I avoid my own sister in this way. She just threw a big barbecue at her place; invitations sent out 6 wks ahead, to be on our Mom's 87th birthday. There was no mention of her birthday on the invites; so my other sister and I figured this was either 1- she completely spaced it's Mom's birthday, or 2- this was her way of throwing mom a birthday without any of our help (ergo, all her credit from Mom, grandstand). It turned out to be a combination.

Anyway, I agonized for weeks whether to attend. I really hate the way I feel when I'm around her, I don't like her, I don't have anything in common with her, and she's majorly annoying. So, even though it was Mom's birthday, I didn't go. I saw Mom earlier in the day, brought her a present and visited, told her I had prior commitments, and that was it. She was cool about it. And she's really the only one I was worried about. No one else has said anything, so I guess I wasn't missed that much anyway.

[Mad_Hen]

We had a co-worker like this. She was a back-stabber and a gossip. She would claim credit for other people's work. No one liked her, BUT she was buddies with the boss. (To the point where their families went on cruises together.).

Pretty much everyone else was afraid to say anything, knowing they wouldn't have mgt support.

I have always been of the opinion that people like that do what they do because they get away with it.

Personally, I stood up to her and let her know she wasn't welcome anywhere near me. It wasn't easy and it wasn't pretty, and I had to suffer from unfair treatment from the boss (in the form of giving me crap jobs to do because I never crossed the line and was always professional in my actions, so there was nothing he could punish). My eval that year had the comment that I needed to work less and socialize more (seriously) and that was the worst he could do.

I went to events at which she was also expected to attend, because I figured if she chased me off, then that was just another way of her behaviour being rewarded and/or considered acceptable. Yes, it made it very uncomfortable for all involved, but since pretty much everyone else had complained about her, I figured the discomfort was more from their hypocrisy than from any tension between me and her.

If you stay true to your convictions, expect people to tell you that you should just put up with the a$$ for the sake of not making waves. Expect to be in the minority and don't expect people who agree with you about him to support you if you choose to go to mutual events but choose to NOT pretend to like his company. They may tell you, when he is not around, how much he annoys them, but they will laugh along with everyone else when he is around. If you can handle that, you WILL at least be able to feel that you aren't being two-faced, and you will be able to participate in the events that are meaningful to you.

[goldensmom]

For me the issue is do I want to attend or participate in an event. There are people that I’d rather not be around at social/family gatherings but if I want to attend I will not let anyone control my actions or steal my joy. I’m pretty good at ignoring or dismissing the asinine behavior of others. I have a brother that will not attend a function if another relative plans to be there because he does not like the relative and my question to my brother is why do you let this person to have power over you to control your actions, your feelings, your thoughts? Go if you want to, don’t go if you don’t want to but don’t let another person be your deciding factor.

[SteveinMN]

In my experience, social clue-by-fours never work with people like DH's friend Jerky McJerk. So don't worry too much about being subtle with him.

I think it's fine to establish the ground rule with DH that Jerky not be present at your home. It's your home, too, right? I think it would be sporting to make the occasional exception for some sort of pretty-please special event that can only be held at your house and for which DH has given you enough lead time to duck out of the house to do something you want to do.

I think DH also needs to know that you do not plan to socialize with Jerky in out-of-home social settings (parties, etc.) either, and make it clear that you really don't even want to hear about his antics from DH. If Jerky is that toxic, then maybe it's not worth going to the event at all. But how much power do you want this guy to have in your life? Certainly events can be evaluated one at a time -- if it's movie night and Mr. and Mrs. McJerk are one of the few other couples, you might want to sit it out. But a wedding reception? That should be a big enough venue that you can ignore him without going too far out of your way.

And if Jerky tries to engage with you directly, I think you should feel free to tell him that you don't care if DH hangs around with him, but that he's not your "type" and you don't want anything to do with him. And then, whatever the setting, walk away. Get another drink, excuse yourself to the bathroom, mention that you want to pick the next song that's going to play. Just leave. You are then free to ignore him all you want so long as you don't become a jerk about it (but then if Jerky makes a big deal out of it, DH should come to your side to assist in the situation).

[Alan]

When do you compromise with your loved ones? When it's important to them.

[puglogic]

When do you compromise with your loved ones? When it's important to them.

Exactly the problem though, Alan. What's important to husband, for example, is not having to explain why I'm not at a social event with him (and, really, not tell the truth, because the truth would cause a Great Fuss). What's important to me is not having to be exposed to someone's hateful, abusive speech with my already-rare free time. It is a dilemma at times. Thanks for everyone's ideas around this!

[redfox]

When do you compromise with your loved ones? When it's important to them.

And that is a two way street! Seems to me, since the important relationship is the one with your husband, that figuring out a solution together is a beneficial focus. How can you enroll him in problem solving this as a couples issue?

[iris lilies]

Exactly the problem though, Alan. What's important to husband, for example, is not having to explain why I'm not at a social event with him (and, really, not tell the truth, because the truth would cause a Great Fuss). What's important to me is not having to be exposed to someone's hateful, abusive speech with my already-rare free time. It is a dilemma at times. Thanks for everyone's ideas around this!

First, I would not let one annoying person keep me away from a social gathering where many are attending due solely to their bad behavior. I just can't envision a scenario where someone I dislike would ruin a large gathering for me.

Second, your DH needs to learn to give a general "truth" not a pointed one. The general truth when you aren't attending a party is: puglogic had a previous commitment. Or, puglogic isn't feeling well. Either one is accurate because in one case, you had a previous commitment to stay home and enjoy yourself rather than going to a party you did not wish to attend. In the second case, you don't feel well because Mr. Blabber-mouth makes you feel ill.

Now I have to wonder who is pressing your DH for info about you and your whereabouts. If that pressure comes from Mr. Blabbermouth, then perhaps your DH should begin to examine why Mr. Babbermouth makes him so uncormfortable. Is that the action of a friend? Could it be that Mr. Blabbermouth is NOT a friend, afterall? This might give him insight into the Blabbermouth guy.

[razz]

First, I would not let one annoying person keep me away from a social gathering where many are attending due solely to their bad behavior. I just can't envision a scenario where someone I dislike would ruin a large gathering for me.

Second, your DH needs to learn to give a general "truth" not a pointed one. The general truth when you aren't attending a party is: puglogic had a previous commitment. Or, puglogic isn't feeling well. Either one is accurate because in one case, you had a previous commitment to stay home and enjoy yourself rather than going to a party you did not wish to attend. In the second case, you don't feel well because Mr. Blabber-mouth makes you feel ill.

Now I have to wonder who is pressing your DH for info about you and your whereabouts. If that pressure comes from Mr. Blabbermouth, then perhaps your DH should begin to examine why Mr. Babbermouth makes him so uncormfortable. Is that the action of a friend? Could it be that Mr. Blabbermouth is NOT a friend, afterall? This might give him insight into the Blabbermouth guy.

I agree with this response the most. At some point, DH is going to have to decide to support you and simply say, 'She couldn't make and I understand so what's it to you or anyone else" if Jerk comments further. Jerk sounds like a bully and needs to be treated as one. As long as everyone goes along to get along, people are going to be offended by this bully. When will that be enough? Who has to be hurt?

[CathyA]

This is a difficult situation. To be honest, the huge difference in what you consider rude, obnoxious, etc., is quite different from what your husband thinks it is. That would bother me the most.
I'm afraid I would be quite vocal with your DH's friend's obnoxiousness. I'd probably tell him to stay away from me at gatherings. Maybe if you spoke your mind directly to him, you'd feel better about going to gatherings and ignoring him, and visiting with the people you like.

I'm thinking your problems with the differences between you and your DH about this matter must really be bothering you too.
I'm not a real social person. There have been times when I didn't want to deal with anyone, and would choose not to go to family gatherings. (even though my extended family is quite nice). I just wish DH could say "She just didn't feel like coming today........she's feeling sort of unsociable".......rather than him making up a lie.

[puglogic]

Thank you everyone for your ideas. They were part of a good conversation with my husband last night, and some real soul-searching today as well. Obviously there are some deeper things going on than just me not wanting to have my serenity & social times ruined by an idiot.

[razz]

When DH was asked about my absence at some activity, he jokingly usually said, "She misbehaved so I wouldn't let her come". That was the end of it. People left it alone after that. I came if I could or not as I chose.