not sure what to do with my nephew

[chrissieq]

We have a nephew who recently went through treatment for drug use and is currently in a half-way house. Our relationship with him over the years has been disjointed - for lack of a better word - not a real connection but he is my sister's son and family is family, right?

Anyway, we have tried to reach out - taking him to lunch, helping him when his car broke down, texting/talking. We did say no when he asked if he could move in with us - his mom thanked us for saying no cause she thinks we would end up as his caretakers and he needs to stand on his own (he is 25).

This past weekend we started painting the exterior of our house and we asked him to help (for money) - along with his step father - and now he seems to think that we need his help daily. But although he is a meticulous scraper, sander, primer and painter, I can do the same work in about 1/3 of the time but he seems to think that working for a temp agency is not a great choice for him - not when after a total of 13 hours of work here, he can count on it for an on-going income.

Today I texted him that we are putting the project off for a few days (and really we are swamped with other commitments) but I need to have a conversation with him. I want to be supportive but not a chump caving in and giving him $$ because I feel bad for him.

So how to I maintain a relationship without feeling like I am his ATM?

[redfox]

I imagine he's taking pride in actually doing productive work, so I'd start by praising him for jumping in with such alacrity. Encouraging him to participate in a family project is great. He needs that love.

I'd be frank with him about the expenses of the project. Set a price for the entire job, be it a day or a week. Tell him the truth: this is how contract work is done, & here is what you can afford. He can be paid some now, and the balance when the job is done to your satisfaction, if he agrees. Please reinforce that you love seeing him! The relationship is way more important than the $$.

Get over feeling bad for him -- that's disrespectful and condescending. He's a young adult, and deserves to be treated with respect. Addicts need & deserve to hear the truth about life, both the finances & how to negotiate kindly, with love & acceptance.

PS... My 22 year old nephew is also an addict. It's very hard to see... I get it.

[Simplemind]

My ex is a contractor and DS worked for him for two summers. This past summer he told him he could no longer afford him due to his speed and inattention to detail. Straight up and honest. DS approached it as if it was time he needed to fill and he got paid for it. Ex wasn't getting enough bang for his buck and couldn't afford it even if it was his kid. They parted ways.
I can't improve on what Redfox said.

[ctg492]

First off, congratulations to your nephew! Recovery is a hard fought daily battle. My son is now almost two years clean. He is not the same man as the day he left the 3/4 house. It really took this long to regain and become the man he is. You do as you see fit. I believe this young man is far stronger then you know. No harm will be done. Ps don't feel bad for him, feel happy for him:cool:

[SteveinMN]

Agreed. Be happy your nephew is part of the effort and as conscientous as he can be, and let him know that. But, when you resume, I would tell him that the job will now be paid by the job, not by the hour. Lay out clear expectations and a deadline so he does not assume he's getting paid no matter how much/little he gets done or how well/poorly he does it. And pay in stages. It would help if there are no other family members being paid by the hour, but that's what it is. Good luck!

[catherine]

I ditto redfox--she said it beautifully.