View Full Version : Why, oh, why, would someone do this to a family member?
Can anyone think of why a family member would do this?
For years now, I've received negative feedback from a family member every time I express interest in another job. It usually happens when I'm already employed somewhere, but not necessarily always. Here's an example. Let's say the job involves knitting socks. FM will say, "But you HATE knitting socks. When you knitted at XYZ Company, all you did was complain and say how overqualified you are for knitting. Now you're going to take a job that requires knitting socks?! How will you deal with it? You'll hate it! Or have you changed?" And FM will go on and on with questions like that until I end up losing my temper.
This person says they are in my corner...but they never seem to see the positive side of ANY of the jobs I'm interested in. (I should also add they didn't think I should go to college, either, until I knew what I was going to do with my degree in the end. If I'd listen, I still would not have my bachelor's).
I should also add that this person has largely been unsuccessful in their own work life. Could envy be motivating them?
It's like FM keeps trying to convince me I'm always better off with the status quo...no matter how much that sucks.
Edit: I just read a post on askamanager.org about a person whose mom always disses their career moves. I guess I'm not alone.
Some people don't know how to talk socially and end up saying the wrong things. do you have to tell this party what you are doing or planning on doing? Can you simply keep your information private and make your decisions?
iris lilies
8-2-13, 11:27pm
what is an FM?
shadowmoss
8-2-13, 11:39pm
iris: I assume Family Member. Try to keep up...
I suppose I could wait until it's a done deal...but that really doesn't seem right to me.
Some people don't know how to talk socially and end up saying the wrong things. do you have to tell this party what you are doing or planning on doing? Can you simply keep your information private and make your decisions?
ToomuchStuff
8-3-13, 12:48am
Envy, jealously, spite, or just generally a negative person. They may just enjoy being oil to your water.
I feel your pain. We had a family member like that...DH's father. When we told him we were going to make Aliyah and go to Israel, he scornfully replied, "and what do the two of YOU think you possibly have, of any value, to offer Israel?!" Nice. Yes, he was just generally a negative person who enjoyed being oil to our water, as ToomuchStuff put it.
I don't understand why you feel it is not right somehow to keep your business and decisions private from a demonstrably unsupportive person?
I don't care if it is a mother or father or grandparents or sisters or whoever. If they have demonstrated a lack of support or are seriously damaging to your self esteem, they have proven they don't need to know "ahead of time". Who knows, they may have their own agenda. Or they may be dealing from past history and not acknowledging changes which have been made.
This does not have to be lifelong. If they can show support and positive energy for your life, let them back in slowly to plans. Nothing at all wrong with privacy.
Oh yes, the fun of family members. DH's family, especially his mother tend to do the opposite. No matter how happy he is with his current job, they always suggest different jobs he could/should be doing. Some of them completely ridiculous. I think his mother is trying to be helpful but it doesn't make it much easier to put up with.
I'd just avoid the conversation as much as possible. This isn't the type of person to have that conversation with.
Sometimes you can reframe it as well. I've decided after a recent and really frustrating visit with DH's brother, that he has a brain issue that makes him completely incapable of understanding another person's point of view. He did it to us multiple times, as well as to his sister. Now, if he talks to me, I'll just sit back, smile and nod, and think about him just having a brain processing problem, so there's no point getting frustrated and angry.
Can anyone think of why a family member would do this?
For years now, I've received negative feedback from a family member every time I express interest in another job. It usually happens when I'm already employed somewhere, but not necessarily always. Here's an example. Let's say the job involves knitting socks. FM will say, "But you HATE knitting socks. When you knitted at XYZ Company, all you did was complain and say how overqualified you are for knitting. Now you're going to take a job that requires knitting socks?! How will you deal with it? You'll hate it! Or have you changed?" And FM will go on and on with questions like that until I end up losing my temper.
This person says they are in my corner...but they never seem to see the positive side of ANY of the jobs I'm interested in. (I should also add they didn't think I should go to college, either, until I knew what I was going to do with my degree in the end. If I'd listen, I still would not have my bachelor's).
I should also add that this person has largely been unsuccessful in their own work life. Could envy be motivating them?
It's like FM keeps trying to convince me I'm always better off with the status quo...no matter how much that sucks.
Edit: I just read a post on askamanager.org about a person whose mom always disses their career moves. I guess I'm not alone.
FM's lack of success may stem from the same negative talk s/he gives you, turned inwards. Could it be that FM's world view is such that what they say follows naturally from their world view.
And sometimes it is fear that something new will take you "away" from them. Mom was raised to stay and support her mother in her later years. If she had moved away, they would have been alone. Occasionally a child is raised to stay home and be the one to be with the parent in later years. Never know.
iris lilies
8-3-13, 9:23am
iris: I assume Family Member. Try to keep up...
haha! I guess it's obvious, but not to me.
Miss Cellane
8-3-13, 11:17am
My family jokes about how it is a family trait that someone can propose just about anything--a trip, a project, a new job, a new house, buying a new car, getting a new computer--and the rest of us will instantly give a million reasons why it's a bad idea. It seems to be hard wired into our DNA to see the possible bad side of *everything*.
Fortunately, we recognize this about ourselves and actively work to deal with it. Keeping our mouths shut is the first step. Not saying anything negative until we also have at least one positive to mention is another.
But the big thing is just not telling the worst offenders about a new plan until it is a fact and not just an idea. Once presented with something that can't easily be changed, my family tends to switch into a more positive mode.
So I'd vote for just not talking about potential jobs with this family member.
Now, if the family member is a spouse or significant other or partner, then the matter gets a bit more sticky. I do think if the new job would require a drop in pay or moving a great distance or some other similar life change, then you do have to let the other person know and some discussion needs to happen. But I'd still wait until after I'd interviewed for the job, and have the discussion while waiting to hear if I'd get the job or not.
ApatheticNoMore
8-3-13, 4:06pm
Probably just envy. She doesn't have an obligation to be constantly chipper or happy and her lack of success in her jobs may or may not be her fault, but she ought not to spew bile on other people's (your) hopes. Why? In order to avoid being a rotten human being that's why, duh! :) Enthusiasm may be too much to ask, require her to be a far better person than she is capable, but she can at least refrain from the bile and undermining.
I'd probably take the not discussing it route as well, but I'm a private enough person that that comes so easy anyway.
I have a person in my social circle who has never liked his job, not ever, in 30 years of employment. We have listened for 30 years to his complaints about his work.
Although I don't condone this kind of negativity in ANY way, if you've complained about hating your jobs for a long time, I can understand why someone, if they care about you, might ask questions that try to get at the heart of whether you're going into something you're ALSO going to hate. Is there anything in your own behavior that might trigger this person to act this way?
I would never discuss anything with someone that was such a Negative Nancy like that - whether it was a done deal or not. It's none of anyone's business what my choices are, except my husband (whose opinion I trust), and people like the one you're describing are poison. But I always look for the reasons why people might behave the way they do toward me. What am I doing/saying to invite that kind of reaction?
Just food for thought.
I realize that I do complain too much about work. Always have. Which is why, when I lost my last job, I concluded that I would never be able to work again. It was a combination of "I've failed at the last four jobs I had" and "I hate working anyway, so why bother." So it's not entirely the other person's fault. I guess I just dislike having someone point out negative things I've said.
Some people remember ONLY the negative stuff you say, and never the positive. There are, of course, always two sides to every story.
I think I will just not mention future jobs until interview is completed. After all, when you look at it this way: what is there to talk about, until you've thoroughly discussed the job w/the future employer, you know what you're getting into, know the salary, etc.? Otherwise, it could just be a lot of speculation!
I have a person in my life that is just like that -- it's not job stuff, but everything else stuff. Problem with this individual is that they feel that they are entitled and that when they are not or just don't like something, it's everyone else's fault. Then they like to argue. I've learned that the best way to handle this person is to just say "you are responsible for your own choices and I'm responsible for my own choices. This is what I've chosen for the present time". End of story and keeps them quiet and thinking.
I don't understand why you feel it is not right somehow to keep your business and decisions private from a demonstrably unsupportive person?
I don't care if it is a mother or father or grandparents or sisters or whoever. If they have demonstrated a lack of support or are seriously damaging to your self esteem, they have proven they don't need to know "ahead of time". Who knows, they may have their own agenda. Or they may be dealing from past history and not acknowledging changes which have been made.
This does not have to be lifelong. If they can show support and positive energy for your life, let them back in slowly to plans. Nothing at all wrong with privacy.
Weighing in on this and will second the above post. I think one has the right to keep perpetually negative and unsupportive people, including family members, out of the loop. If they have not demonstrated the ability to support or at least refrain from being negative, then IMHO they don't have any right to being in the know on your business or decisions. I know some people will disagree with that, especially when it comes to family members, because it's often seen as their "right" to know. It isn't. You are entitled to keep your affairs private and disclose as you see fit. You also have the right to protect yourself from their negativity, especially if you know it's damaging to you.
DH was out of work for over two years; he suddenly lost his job in Jan. 2009. We did not tell his family. Why? Because his parents and sister had a strong track record of belittling and criticizing him; there's a strong "scapegoating" dynamic in his family. They were terribly unsupportive of his BIL when he was out of work a few years before and BIL was the husband of "golden child" SIL. If they could be this way towards BIL, I didn't even want to think what they would say to DH. DH was pretty shocked and anxious over the job loss; I had never seen him this way. The LAST thing I wanted was for his mom and dad to take shots at him over this so we made the decision not to tell them. It ended up not being that hard; they could never remember where he worked anyway even though he was there for 15 years.
Some people disagreed with our doing this, but I stand by what we did. It was a difficult enough time and it was imperative that DH keep his spirits up as much as possible. Even though it was his parents, I felt they lost the right to be in the know given their past behavior.
My mother has always made me feel bad about good news and worse about bad news. So, I simply stopped telling her anything important. Our conversations are strictly superficial now.
Kara
I'm with sweetana, and frugalone's decision. It takes impulse control, which is a good thing to be able to rely on yourself for. Otherwise you're colluding with FM. Also, once you've told them, you must not play a part in their negativity. You can say, I'm not going to talk about this with you. I'll talk with you about anything else but not this. They will probably continue, maybe by asking you questions about what you just said how you wont talk about it, or challenging how bad a way that is to act, so you pass the test by leaving the room. You do that every time until people are only talking to you about other things.
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