View Full Version : Is it me that's the problem, or what?
frugalone
8-22-13, 10:15am
Hi, everyone. This is gonna be a little long.
This has been a very stressful week for me. Starting with a family b-day party about which I was very nervous because I was reunited with family members whom I never ever see. That went well. I should add that I'm always a wreck before family events, for various reasons. One reason is my relationship w/my brother. Some of you may recall last year, he emailed me out of the blue with various confidences about his marriage, inviting me to join him at a nudist colony (!) and then his marriage broke up. I know I should have set some boundaries with him (he is still emailing me and inviting me to go places with him and skinny dip, for e.g.) but I just can't seem to do it. In the meantime, he lives w/my mom, tells everyone packs of lies about what a b*tch his wife is, and tries to get everyone to feel sorry for him. OK, that's Factor #1.
#2--Another relative, to whom I was very close when I was a teen (but not so close now) had open-heart surgery. We think he's gonna pull through, but it's been very tough. He has been raising his grandchildren b/c one of his kids is a drug addict who is in and out of rehab, prison, halfway houses, you name it. His other kid is in jail right now.
#3--My best friend from childhood lost her elderly dad. The services are on the weekend. She's pretty "devastated," as she said. We haven't been as close as we could have been in recent years, but she's always there for me and vice versa. Originally, I planned to attend both the viewing and the burial service.
Here's the story: For more than a month, family members have been planning a trip to an amusement park. The cast of attendees keep changing. As of today, it includes my brother and his son (who is a very troubled, standoffish child w/whom I have no relationship); Drug Addict Cousin #1 and DAC #2s girlfriend, who acts as babysitter for DAC's two children; another cousin, his wife, and their two kids. Possibly my mom, and possibly my sister.
I should add that while I have nothing against the "other cousin" et all, I have no relationship with them either. After about half an hour of reminiscing about what a brat he was when he was a kid, we have nothing to discuss.
My partner thinks we should skip the burial services (which I am NOT opposed to) and go to the park. I have tried to explain that 1) I really don't like my brother anymore; 2) I don't like DAC #1. I never did. He was a spoiled brat from 6 months on and I resent his addictive behavior. He's done everything from steal from his parents, to dumping his kids on them to raise, to you name it. In fact, I doubt it will be long before he's back in the clink. 3) I don't really enjoy the company of children. 4) I don't like being out in direct sunlight in the summer. It's really been bothering me this summer, even on short walks. 4) I have a very stressful event at work tomorrow followed by the wake and I am NOT in a good mood for various reasons. 5) I'm not really good with rides at parks. I get sick on a lot of the "fun ones." 6) Ya know, I just don't feel up to it.
My partner says going would be some sort of "tribute" to my sick uncle. That we could then tell him about how much fun we had at the part with his grandkids. When I told him I don't want to hang around with these people, he told me we don't have to; we can go off on our own in the park. So if we do that, where does "honoring" my uncle and "having fun with his grandkids" come in. My partner happens to like spending time with kids, BTW. He's also telling me "you need to get out and have fun" and going to the wake is "enough time to spend on a dead person," that we need not go to the funeral. Maybe not...but I still don't want to go to the park.
We ended up yelling at each other about the whole thing. Now I don't even want to go anywhere else with him this weekend. We've been having fights/arguments every week for a long time. Our relationship is under many strains and the more we argue, the more I just feel like, "I don't care. I just want to get out."
Am I wrong here, in not wanting to go to the park? I am also the kind of person that the more someone pushes me to do s/thing (especially forced "fun") the less I want to do it. And the more someone tells me something is "good for me" and "I need to do this" (get out in nature, see friends or family) the less I wanna do it.
I know I am depressed. I also seem to be running on anger these days. I seem to have lost my joie de vivre. I don't even want to do my artwork anymore. But does this still mean I need to go on this outing?
Sorry this is so long. Thank you for listening.
Go to the burial service to support your friend. Don't think twice.
Your partner can go to the amusement park alone. He's a big boy.
frugalone
8-22-13, 10:32am
We only have one car.
You can say no to anything without giving a reason.
If he can't get there any other way, I guess he'll have to stay home. Follow your instinct to support your friend.
frugalone
8-22-13, 11:09am
I don't understand why I'm being "guilt tripped" either. Like, all of a sudden, he thinks we need to band together as a family or something? He can't understand why I'm so angry with my brother. Like, why can't I just forgive him for "being human"?
I feel like pulling my hair out. I feel like everyone has a string attached to me and they're yanking it. People at work, my family, my friends...
SteveinMN
8-22-13, 11:14am
Support your friend. But if you don't want to go to the burial service, then don't. Not that I advocate lying, but if you feel uncomfortable about that, you can tell Friend that you have a family obligation that runs across the burial-service time period. You don't need to explain any more than that.
Then it's up to you to go to the amusement park. Based on what you've told us, I'd skip it. Unless you want to build relationships with these people (which you could; it just doesn't sound like you want to). I don't get the "tribute" bit, but whatever. If you're not up to it, you're not up to it. You don't need to explain any more than that. If Partner wants to go to the amusement park, agree on what he will tell the others about your absence and let Partner take the car. And just be. You've got enough swirling through your mind right now and you need a mental-health break.
If you sprained your ankle, you'd beg off, right? Well, your emotional/mental state sometimes needs to be addressed, too. This is one of those times.
[EDIT] I'm no psychologist, didn't play one on TV, and didn't even stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. But through this post and several others lately, I'm picking up some severe self-esteem issues. frugalone, you're the only person who knows what you need to do for yourself. Letting others establish your agenda and your feelings of self-worth based on what you do or not do is not OK. But you need to take ownership for that, set those boundaries. It's hard to do and you may (think you'll) tick off more people or make things worse, but you really won't. Take that ownership. It is yours.
frugalone
8-22-13, 11:39am
You're absolutely right, Stevie. I need to address this.
I find it bizarre when someone else is trying to tell me what's best for my mental and emotional state. I agree that something recreational would be nice, but I don't think the park is the right answer. And when someone shouts at me, I then don't want to do anything recreational with them.
We only have one car.
Your partner is a big boy, and is making the choice to let you be the one with the job, the one paying the bills, etc.
Perhaps it's time for him to get a job and get a car of his own?
Sorry to be so frank, but the way you've described it for a long time, your relationship with him alone would be enough to keep me in a deep depression for years. It sounds like it would press down on me every hour, every day, no matter what good moments there were. But that's just me. The best thing I ever did was address my codependency with a former partner who sounds - on the surface - a lot yours. Life didn't start getting better until I shed that terrible weight.
Do what your heart says to do.
And for what it's worth? I don't hang out with people who guilt-trip me, especially when it sounds like he just wants you to do it because it would be more fun for HIM. And I almost never hang out with people who make me uncomfortable, whether they are family members or not.
You DON'T have to be with any of those people if you don't want to. You do know that, right? That the world will continue to spin even if you say, "Nope, not going to spend any time with those people any more" ?
But I'm cranky that way :)
frugalone
8-22-13, 12:58pm
puglogic, no need to apologize. I know you're right on many counts. I just don't know how to deal with my life anymore.
I don't know how to address the codependency. I just feel so rotten, on so many levels. It IS depressing to have this weight. I don't feel strong enough to cope with anything.
I agree with what others have said.. If you're running on an undercurrent of anger, it may have something to do with following what others want you to do and not what your heart is telling you. Don't let other people bury your heart! If you're not able to create your art anymore, you need to get in touch with why.
I say do what makes you comfortable to support your friend. Then take off by yourself somewhere and just "be." Maybe others see you are not happy, and are trying to write their own prescriptions for you--so they probably mean well, but you don't have to do what they say and you certainly don't have to feel guilty about it.
ApatheticNoMore
8-22-13, 1:15pm
When it comes to the point where you'd rather go to a funeral service than an amusement park with relatives (that's how I'm interpreting it), well that's a pretty strong veto of the amusement park. I think should act accordingly :)
@ Stevie: I think the "tribute" part is s/thing like this. My uncle loves kids, loves to have a good time, and had planned to go to the park before he became ill. I believe the "tribute" is like "Hey, let's go out and have a good time in his honor/name. It's what he'd want us to do."
Quite honestly, I don't know that he'd give a whit one way or the other. I mean, the guy almost died this week. I can't even imagine why my mother felt it was necessary to mention this whole outing to us in the first place. And you know what else is funny? I more or less told her in an email that I don't think we're going, I don't like hanging out with kids, it depends on the weather, etc. And she just keeps bringing it up. Did it at the family event this past weekend.
It reminds me of that old country song, "What Part of 'No' Don't You Understand?"
never hang out with people who make me uncomfortable, whether they are family members or not.
I like this idea; I got so tired of spending holidays with my in-laws that last year I told dh - them or me - I'm going to the coast with you to have my own holiday - with or without you.
It is good to finally realize that if something bothers you, either a situation or your belief about a situation - it needs to change - your choice.
It is time to believe that you have self-worth and take ownership of your life. You didn't cause the problems that others are experiencing, cannot control and cannot cure them. Time to acknowledge that as well.
Taking charge of your life is not a problem that someone can magically cause to disappear. Hugs!!!!
Think about which you would really regret missing if you didn't go. Then decide. sounds like a no-brainer to me, but I'm not you. I'd skip the "amusement" park.
From reading the posts and responses, I would say "no" to whomever you want. Sounds like a solo trip to the funeral, and parts you want, is perhaps best. The family party doesn't sound like much of a party to me at all. I also don't do kids and have no problem banishing toxic people.
So look in the mirror and practice "no, I am not going" and "what part of "no" don't you understand?" Don't explain, don't argue, just say it and repeat.
puglogic, no need to apologize. I know you're right on many counts. I just don't know how to deal with my life anymore.
I don't know how to address the codependency. I just feel so rotten, on so many levels. It IS depressing to have this weight. I don't feel strong enough to cope with anything.
I know how hard it is. It's especially hard when you don't have someone in your life saying, "You are creative, and smart, and resilient, and you have something really important to offer the world." (like me, it sounds like you hear quite the opposite most of the time? I grew up with those critical voices constantly in my ears, awful) It creates this hopeless "I only deserve what I've got" pit that's sooooo hard to get out of.
Well, here's one person who's going to say it: You are creative, and smart, and resilient, and you have something really important to offer the world.
It's worth the hard work of retooling your life. And it's worth saying not just "No" but "Hell No" when you're faced with something you just don't feel is in your best interest. But it's a set of muscles you have to slowly build, and they will be sore at first!
Mind you, I needed a good counselor and a short course of antidepressants to get ME through the transition. A little temporary drug-induced "Who cares what you all think???" reeeeeally helped, and nobody was more surprised than me :) I think I made more positive steps in those dozen weeks than I had for the entire rest of my life.
Hugs to you. You matter. A lot.
try2bfrugal
8-22-13, 3:43pm
I agree with the others. Support your friend. Your partner can arrange a ride or you can drop him somewhere to car pool to the park with another family member.
Just a thought, and probably a long shot, but does your partner have signs of Asperger syndrome? Focusing on his wants and an apparent lack of empathy for you and your close friend made me wonder.
Long term I hope you take some action on the depression. Maybe a therapist, assertiveness training or something else? I am not an expert on depression solutions but as long as you keep doing the same things over and over you are going to get the same results you have now.
Re: the Aspberger's thing. No, not really. I think he's socially awkward, for sure, tho.
Here's another odd thing: My partner DOES tell me that I matter, that I'm smart, talented, creative, etc. That's what makes situations like this so hard for me. It's very complicated.
I have a difficult time understanding it, myself.
I'm trying to find a counselor (free) through local churches. I did see a counselor for a long time, 10+ years. Which I think might be a little too long to be going over the same issues.
shadowmoss
8-22-13, 4:06pm
Does he need you to go so you can pay for his fun? Just a thought as to why it might be so important. To him.
try2bfrugal
8-22-13, 4:24pm
Re: the Aspberger's thing. No, not really. I think he's socially awkward, for sure, tho.
Does he have a lot of social activities? If not, then maybe that is why the amusement park day means so much to him. Are you more of his social conduit? Does he like to have you by his side for social events?
Many relationships have people who are opposites.
No, I don't have to pay for the day out. It's been paid for already (long story).
No, he does not have a lot of social activities. Or friends, anymore. It's kind of sad.
I do think he wants to get out for the day and enjoy one of the last nice days of summer. And I can't say I blame him for that. I'm not much of a "summer person," truth be told. I'm waiting for cooler days and a less harsh angle of the sun.
P.S. Re: the counseling. Just heard back from one church. They don't have the staff to counsel anyone. Referred me to a local social service agency, who would be happy to see me, but the sliding scale fee would be hard for me to come up with.
The bad reaction to the sun that you have is a nice neutral reason to give for not going to the amusement park. Let's you out, lets your partner go if he wants, and doesn't start up any interpersonal dialogues you may not want to start up right now.
Dealing with demanding or entitled family, I've learned to pick one simple concept and just keep saying it, and nothing else. The more stuff you say the more handles you give them for the process telemarketers call 'overcoming objections'.
Thank you but I have a condition that prevents me from going out in the sun so I won't be joining you at the amusement park.
Thank you but I have a condition that prevents me from ...
Thank you but I have a condition that...
Just keep saying the same thing no matter what they say. Eventually they tire of it and go away.
Re: depression. There's nothing like antidepressant medication to give you the energy and perspective you need to start making changes. It's really useful and there are many generics that are well tested and not expensive.
Here's another odd thing: My partner DOES tell me that I matter, that I'm smart, talented, creative, etc. That's what makes situations like this so hard for me. It's very complicated.
He is manipulating you, to keep you supporting him in all ways, especially financially. I think this is the answer to your depression...you are inwardly angry about this, yet not acknowledging it.
Is there a reason that he is not seeking employment? Why is everything on your shoulders? It's not fair you know. You deserve better...
SteveinMN
8-22-13, 10:12pm
@ Stevie: I think the "tribute" part is s/thing like this. My uncle loves kids, loves to have a good time, and had planned to go to the park before he became ill. I believe the "tribute" is like "Hey, let's go out and have a good time in his honor/name. It's what he'd want us to do."
Quite honestly, I don't know that he'd give a whit one way or the other.
I'm with you. I don't think Uncle is in a position to care right now. In fact, since we're all being frank here, I'll go as far as saying it sounds pretty lame.
Just keep saying the same thing no matter what they say. Eventually they tire of it and go away.
frugalone, I was going to suggest doing a Web search on "broken record technique" so you could do a better job of standing your ground against your partner/relatives. But reader99 did a great job of explaining it. Really, you don't owe anyone more of an explanation than "I don't want to." Your reasons can remain your own.
try2bfrugal
8-23-13, 12:13am
He is manipulating you, to keep you supporting him in all ways, especially financially. I think this is the answer to your depression...you are inwardly angry about this, yet not acknowledging it.
Is there a reason that he is not seeking employment? Why is everything on your shoulders? It's not fair you know. You deserve better...
I don't know the whole back story, but it just seems like if he is capable of spending the day at an amusement park he could surely do something like make and sell crafts on Etsy, resell garage sale items on eBay, mystery shop, do online tasks on mturk or in some way to add to the finances? On a tight budget that extra income would help a lot. If he needs job training can he get an online degree in something? Community college for some short term job training? Anything?
try2bfrugal
8-23-13, 12:28am
P.S. Re: the counseling. Just heard back from one church. They don't have the staff to counsel anyone. Referred me to a local social service agency, who would be happy to see me, but the sliding scale fee would be hard for me to come up with.
Do you have an employee assistance plan at work?
Ah, the family vortex.
You set some boundaries and do that. Everyone else will deal.
It's not easy, I know. Everyone is going ape poop now that we are moving back. It's like "here, this is now how you will live!" and it's like "no." And that "no." is not taken too kindly. Lots of upset. Lots of "we're just trying to help!" And us saying "If you want to help, here's what we need." What we need isn't sexy or fun. It's very basic. Go figure. Causes dramas!
Whatever you decide will cause dramaz. So, you accept this, and you make decisions and you watch the dramaz unfold and that's that.
frugalone
8-23-13, 10:11am
I'll try and answer some questions one at a time.
1. We have Employee Assistance at work. It pays for four sessions and then I have to pay per session. I can't afford it.
2. The long-term unemployment situation is a situation that I cannot affect. I have tried everything. My only option at this point is simply to leave. Yes, I think about leaving. It's a pretty big step after more than 2 decades of marriage. There is much to consider. This is one of the reasons I'd like to see a counselor.
3. I do not want to discuss why he is unemployed. It's pretty complicated.
4. I will never, ever go on antidepressants again. I have tried several varieties and IMHO they all suck. They might work on a short-term basis--but who solves all their problems on a short-term basis? It took me months to get off them and shuck the side effects.
5. I have gone around and around these issues for a long time now. I know changes need to happen. I am stuck.
frugalone
8-23-13, 10:14am
Are you saying he is lying to me when he says these things? Because he has always been supportive of me and my goals. I don't believe everything he does (which includes a great deal of helping me with my creative pursuits, caring for our pets, etc.) is designed to manipulate me. He is actually a loving, kind person, overall. Not a total bastard. I hope I have not led you folks to believe he's some sort of a**hole that sits around trying to think of how he can mooch more money out of me.
I do believe he would LIKE to work. As I said, it is rather complicated.
He is manipulating you, to keep you supporting him in all ways, especially financially..
try2bfrugal
8-23-13, 11:09am
Are you saying he is lying to me when he says these things? Because he has always been supportive of me and my goals. I don't believe everything he does (which includes a great deal of helping me with my creative pursuits, caring for our pets, etc.) is designed to manipulate me. He is actually a loving, kind person, overall. Not a total bastard. I hope I have not led you folks to believe he's some sort of a**hole that sits around trying to think of how he can mooch more money out of me.
I do believe he would LIKE to work. As I said, it is rather complicated.
Well, we don't know what's in the complicated part. But if he can take care of your pets, it would seem like he could hang up flyers at the dog park and do dog walking and pet sitting for other people. Or do little piece work online like mturk or fiverr. Even clearing $5 an hour working from home on mturk would add to the household budget and take some of the pressure off of you. At least he could make enough to cover your therapy sessions.
All we know is what you tell us.
frugalone
8-23-13, 11:25am
I'm getting sorry that I brought this up in the first place.
catherine
8-23-13, 12:30pm
I'm getting sorry that I brought this up in the first place.
Just want to say that your question did get diverted, and I'm sorry you're becoming uncomfortable. Just want to share that I also have similar situation where I am doing 99% of the heavy lifting financially, and what people have said to you they could easily say to me. Nothing else to add--just want to empathize.
I'm getting sorry that I brought this up in the first place.
I know what you mean, as regretting is something I have done when sharing on occasion. However, even I can see in what you write that you are working on all of this stuff as hard as you can, and it takes courage to risk sharing your thoughts and issues anywhere, so much more on a forum.
It takes serious guts to put yourself out there and risk what people will reply when you ask for honest answers, some of which have the potential to be uncomfortable. It is brave to reply, too.
But, what I wanted to write is that, even though your health plan offers only four sessions with someone, why not take them. Free is free, you know? I cannot afford even discounted therapy, but I lucked into free counseling when I was homeless last year, at an agency that works with homeless folk and I am able to continue beyond their free sessions at an insanely low price that even I can afford, and I keep my lights off, even at night, because I have to keep my utility bills as low as possible. My guess is that something similar is available where you live, but you will have to really search for it. A good place to start is at your church (or even a church for which you are not a member); they often have information about resources that are difficult for the ordinary person to find.
It is my belief that therapy of some kind is essential when we are working with so many personal issues. It is worth considering that where your health and well-being is concerned, finding the resources and extra money to use them, well, you might want to move that to the top of your list of priorities.
I do not know when you took medications for depression, but there are so many that are easier to take now, and they can be combined with anti-anxiety meds to have a more successful medication experience.
The truth is that we cannot go on, dealing with heavy issues, and expect to be able to handle everything without some kind of help, help that feeds ourselves so that we have the strength to do what needs doing. We cannot quench our thirst from an empty well. Just saying.
Well, we don't know what's in the complicated part. But if he can take care of your pets, it would seem like he could hang up flyers at the dog park and do dog walking and pet sitting for other people. Or do little piece work online like mturk or fiverr. Even clearing $5 an hour working from home on mturk would add to the household budget and take some of the pressure off of you. At least he could make enough to cover your therapy sessions.
All we know is what you tell us.
Yikes - where do you clear $5 an hour on Turk? $5 a day is lucky for me.
try2bfrugal
8-23-13, 3:34pm
Yikes - where do you clear $5 an hour on Turk? $5 a day is lucky for me.
For mturk, I am just going by what others have written up, like this -
http://www.thesimpledollar.com/can-you-actually-earn-reasonable-money-from-mechanical-turk/
If mturk isn't working for you, there are many ideas on the slickdeals and fatwallet forums for making bits of money here and there without having a job or even leaving the house.
It takes serious guts to put yourself out there and risk what people will reply when you ask for honest answers, some of which have the potential to be uncomfortable. It is brave to reply, too.
^^^ This.
Frugalone, only you can know your options, only you can make the informed choice about your future. Even if you decide to not decide about anything, you have made a decision.
You are free to make any choice that works for you. Never worry about the options that others offer, they mean very well in their offerings, but you remain in control of your right to make the final choice so no regrets about raising the OP.
Hugs!!!!!
frugalone,
While the feedback may seem harsh/judgmental, it comes from a place of caring about you and wanting better for you. Those of us who have been around for awhile have seen you struggling with all of this for a long time.
I agree that you should try the four free counseling sessions. Work with someone who uses a proactive form of therapy, like cognitive behavioral therapy, and pick up what skills you can in that time for changing the narrative you tell yourself. I'm not saying this is all in your mind. But we do get into habitual patterns where something happens and then we have a stock narrative we tell ourselves about what that means. CBT can help you break out of the negative patterns. I had a stint of CBT when I was a teenager and it really helped. I still go back to the techniques (outlined quite thoroughly in Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy) when I find myself edging into depression.
Another thing you might want to try is taking the supplement 5-HTP -- it works to elevate serotonin. I've been dealing with a lot of stress lately and while not in an active depressive episode I certainly have not been at my peak. I do notice a difference since I started on the 5-HTP. Sleeping better, just calmer, less jittery overall. If you have a Costco nearby it is around $20 for 150 tablets -- I'm taking 1 a day. Some people apparently have a negative reaction to it, but might be worth experimenting with. Your DH might find benefits from taking it too, if depression is one of his issues.
He's not lying to you. YOu are smart and capable. You can find a way out of this. And we're here to support you as you figure it out.
For mturk, I am just going by what others have written up, like this -
http://www.thesimpledollar.com/can-you-actually-earn-reasonable-money-from-mechanical-turk/
If mturk isn't working for you, there are many ideas on the slickdeals and fatwallet forums for making bits of money here and there without having a job or even leaving the house.
I read the article. His experiment with Turk relied heavily on surveys. They are the best paid of the Turk tasks, usually. There are only just so many of them. You can't expect to go in day after day and make $5 an hour. Availability of any task varies a great deal. And of course not everyone can knock out a 300 word article off the top of their head and have it accepted and paid.
I looked at fatwalletforums without seeing earning opportunities - what category should I be looking under? Slickdeals seems to be about saving when you buy something. No doubt useful, but what I need is actual money without buying something.
I make a bit with www.swagbucks.com (http://www.swagbucks.com), but it takes more than four hours to make a dollar so I only do it because I'm desperate. I'm with MyPoints also, it's slow but steady.
www.volition.com (http://www.volition.com) has lots of information on secret shopping. A lot of it requires going somewhere, but it isn't hard unless you have a crappy memory - being 'secret' you can't get caught taking notes and some of the merchants want a lot of detail and some very exact timing.
I try a lot of surveys. I'm almost always disqualified near the beginning. They want a demographic with money to spend, and often with kids to spend it on.
I've been panning the 'net for earnings at home for several years now. I can't say it amounts to much. Maybe $20 to $60 a month. I sometimes work 50+ hours a week to get that. A ten year old in an Indonesian sweatshop makes more than I do. Luckily there's nothing else I need to be doing. I've whittled away at my miscellaneous expenses until $20 to 50 a month makes a difference. But I'd have a hard time recommending it to someone with the possible health problems I'm reading between the lines of the OPs posts. Or to anyone with an actual life, either.
try2bfrugal
8-23-13, 9:41pm
I've been panning the 'net for earnings at home for several years now. I can't say it amounts to much. Maybe $20 to $60 a month. I sometimes work 50+ hours a week to get that. A ten year old in an Indonesian sweatshop makes more than I do. Luckily there's nothing else I need to be doing. I've whittled away at my miscellaneous expenses until $20 to 50 a month makes a difference. But I'd have a hard time recommending it to someone with the possible health problems I'm reading between the lines of the OPs posts. Or to anyone with an actual life, either.
Reader99,
I'll start another post on the side income ideas, so as not to take this one further off topic.
Added - Here it is -
http://www.simplelivingforum.net/showthread.php?8838-Making-Money-When-You-Don-t-Have-a-Regular-Job&p=151913#post151913
Back to the original post, taking just the immediate situation at hand. Wow, you don't want to stand in the hot sun and possibly experience motion sickness with a bunch of family members who somewhat sound like they are in line for the next reality show? Um, no it's not you. In fact, I think it's pretty normal that people don't want to hang out with relatives who are 1) weird or 2) possibly criminal or at least morally questionable. Especially if that activity involves doing something physically that causes the person in question aversion. As for the funeral and related activities, it's not the dead person you're going for, it's for your friend. Whom you are closer to than most of the said relatives. So perhaps you should gently, repeatedly remind your partner of this if he gets on you for your choice. If the amusement park gathering is so important to the relatives, they should be able to help arrange a ride for your partner to attend. As for the uncle, visiting him in the hospital or after he gets out and especially offering to help him as you are able will be far more meaningful than going to an amusement park so that he can hear about it later (but would he want to, if your version would be misery in the sun coupled with feeling like you were going to puke? I mean, come on).
rodeosweetheart
8-24-13, 12:25am
Frugalone, is there a Catholic Charities near you? I used to work there and we never turned anyone away for counseling, and the sliding scale slid down very far, kind of whatever they could pay, a few dollars sort of thing.
I think you are really wise to try to find a good counselor now to work out where to go from here.
Hi, everyone: We went to my friend's dad's viewing last night. There was really no expectation that we would attend the funeral today so it wasn't any sort of an issue. My partner and I talked further about the park. He somehow thought I didn't want to go anywhere with HIM, and he didn't realize I was so upset at my brother. His POV is different from mine when it comes to the cousins (he's a lot more tolerant with addicts--I grew up in a family of them and I have no patience for that whole scene). He apologized for "being intolerant by trying to push me to be more tolerant."
I am glad we didn't go. I just went out to take some stuff to a local charity, and it's hotter out there than I'd want it to be if I were walking around the park. Even though it's a lovely place with many trees. This just isn't the day to go. Maybe partner and I can go later.
I will continue to look into counseling options.
Good point, lhamo, that my uncle may need my help later with household stuff, coping, etc., rather than hearing about my "fun" weekend!
rodeosweetheart
8-24-13, 9:00pm
'He apologized for "being intolerant by trying to push me to be more tolerant." '
I think this is really sensitive and insightful of him, and good for him for apologizing.
I think this is really sensitive and insightful of him, and good for him for apologizing.
+1. It sounds like it was a very productive conversation. I hope it's the first of many.
Re: swagbucks--I signed up for it once and found it kind of scary. There was so much clutter on the web page's and they wanted so much info from me that I just gave up. I wasn't sure it was all legit and got nervous bout Internet fraud.
We had a very long talk last night in which we cleared the air about a lot of stuff. I too hope it's the first of many.
frugalone, I don't know if this applies specifically or broadly or not at all to your situation with your family, but I just read a book about people who have been abused by their siblings in all the possible ways, it is natural for the abused person not to even stay in touch with the abusive family member or even any of them. This is helpful to me who has been apart from my family members for over a decade. They are people I used to know. It's that thing of I have to take care of myself because no one else will if I don't. People can get seriously judgmental about someone who separates for her own good. That goes for leaving relationships/marriages too.
try2bfrugal
8-25-13, 3:31pm
frugalone, I don't know if this applies specifically or broadly or not at all to your situation with your family, but I just read a book about people who have been abused by their siblings in all the possible ways, it is natural for the abused person not to even stay in touch with the abusive family member or even any of them. This is helpful to me who has been apart from my family members for over a decade. They are people I used to know. It's that thing of I have to take care of myself because no one else will if I don't. People can get seriously judgmental about someone who separates for her own good. That goes for leaving relationships/marriages too.
Larkm, It sounds like a great book. TV shows often picture these crazy and zany families that deep down really care about each, but in real life some families have just the crazy part and that's all there is.
Frugalone, I am glad things are looking up for you.
One thought that helps me: do I want people to be around me when they don't want to because they think they should? No.
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