View Full Version : adult child sleepovers
After reading Zoe Girl's recent thread I'd been pondering posting this question, and since Gardenian asked on ZG's thread I think I will. What are your thoughts on adult children having their BF/GF sleep over? Do you/would you allow it? And under what circumstances? And if not, what are the reasons?
Personally I would've NEVER considered asking my parents or doing such a thing, but I've done so at two boyfriends' parents' homes when we were visiting from out of town. The first mother got very upset. Apparently she had specifically told BF to sleep in a different room but then didn't check to see if he actually did. Current SO's parents were very different. They had set aside the guest room for us and obviously thought it was perfectly normal/reasonable. (Of course we were already living together after dating 1 1/2 years first and were in our late 30's at the time...)
I don't have children so who's to say exactly how I'd act if I were a parent facing this, but I think that most likely I wouldn't think it a big deal. After all, if my kid was already sexually active I would have no hope of changing that fact, and frankly would be fine with that fact anyway. Sex can be a wonderful thing and unlike the way my parents dealt with it with me I would want my child to feel like they could talk to me about it. As a gay man who came out in my early 20's I was forced to figure out the whole dating/sex thing completely on my own instead of through teenage dating the way lots of straight kids do, while still under the watchful, and hopefully helpful, eyes of their parents.
This is my take on it. The "you" is the general you, not directed at you, jp!
If your parents are extremely old-fashioned and you want your "flavor of the month" to stay with you in the same room on a first visit to your parents, don't. Stay at a hotel.
Some parents might not be fine with the "flavor of the month" staying the same room as their adult offspring, but a stable longer-term partnership might be OK. Others don't want the sleepover unless the kid is married. Whatever.
If they get upset, then just get a hotel room.
ApatheticNoMore
9-6-13, 9:57pm
It's really good I'm not a parent (possibly because my childhood was so messed up - I wouldn't know where to start). The thing is I quite honestly wouldn't use my parents as a role model for ANYTHING!! So my entire parenting philosophy would be: emulate them in pretty much nothing. And no you never talked about anything related to sex with them, it was horrible and forbidden.
But me, I'm not sure I'd have a problem either. Hopefully they're practicing safe sex of course. Of course it depends on the age - 12 ok that *really* *is* too young, but 16, 18, or older, uh it gets a lot more blurry. If it's what they want anyway and they are taking precautions, what's so bad about it?
Ok I better add that I was assuming a dating situation, not a causal sex with someone you barely know situation, because I find the former very charming, and turning the house into a wh*rehouse less so, but it's a bias I guess.
iris lilies
9-6-13, 10:38pm
I am 59 years old ad had sleepovers myself and don't regret that, my kids could do the same. I would want proof of really excellent super-dooper quality birth control, however. I would even pay for that.
What I would not do EVER is take on their spawn. Their kid, their responsibility. No living in my house with any babies.
This is exactly the attitude of my parents, I am modeling them, and it worked for them. This is all theoretical since I don't have children. :)
On my end, my family was fine with Dh and I sharing a room from when I first introduced him to our family, but that room had two separate twin beds and my parents know how much I love my sleep and wouldn't crowd into a small bed with him. They were right, of course. LOL
My ILs still don't feel comfortable with DH and I sharing a room whenever we are around them -- in their house, when we are vacationing (we all went on a "family vacation" at a hotel that my MIL chose, and she was really upset when we got only one room for DH and I. We were about 4 years married at the time. They have some *real* hang ups around sexuality all around, and it's a huge, confused mess (ie, they push their daughter into relationships; they try to keep their son from being with anyone, including me! LOL).
For my own part, I'll take it as it comes with DS. We are largely a "sex positive" family -- but that also means we are "virginity positive." Boys are often shamed for being virgins longer than, say, age 15, and we find that problematic. DH found it extemely difficult and he was as shamed by this experience as a girl may be by "slut shaming." And, as an adult woman having had only one partner, I even have anxiety/shame around not having had more partners (largely due to social pressures/shaming around that). None of this is truly "sex positive." We want DS to feel happy and accepting of himself and his sexuality, and that whatever he chooses -- because we believe he is capable of choosing well -- will be appropriate.
As such, if DS feels that he is ready for sexual relationships -- including "flavors of the month" so long as they are managed conscientiously -- then we feel that we can support that as well, so long as there is clear mutual respect for everyone in the household (including DH and I), as well as a clear use of birth control and so on (which I'm sure there would be, because he will be well educated on the matter).
I suggest, though, that DS may be -- as many well kids are when they have good, comprehensive sex education -- a person who chooses later rather than sooner. I can't be sure, but this is the trend that I see among people like myself who were really well educated in these matters. I think my parents did a great job -- and there was no way I would have had sex in high school (for both positive and negative reasons), and once I"m in university, I was basically an adult and didn't even have a room in my parent's home (ie, I stayed in the guest room and was, ostensibly, a guest). As a guest -- say my uncle came to visit and brought his girlfriend -- then guests are given their room and what they do in their room, is really their own business.
So, I guess you can say that this is a more liberal stance, and you might also assert that my parents have a completely different perspective of what they do, but this is how I interpreted it.
My ILs still don't feel comfortable with DH and I sharing a room whenever we are around them -- in their house, when we are vacationing (we all went on a "family vacation" at a hotel that my MIL chose, and she was really upset when we got only one room for DH and I. We were about 4 years married at the time.
Wow, that is quite funny in an oddball family way. God-forbid married people might be able to have sex with each other. Or maybe even just sleep in the same room. The horrors! Was MIL married? If so, did they get separate rooms?
For my inlaws, we avoid staying with them, but before we were married, they would have considered separate rooms appropriate. (An aside, I think my MIL actually thought that us not living together before marriage = no sex before marriage.) After marriage, same room/bed would have been fine. Ironically, now both sides of family offer us the ability to sleep separate as they know we don't share beds due to sleep habits.
My side of the family is quite lax, so there were occasional sleepovers, for myself I was over 18. Some of my siblings probably had SOs stay over on occasional as well, but I think generally in later teen years or young adult years, and usually a longer term partner. But then again, in my parents house there was underage drinking, smoking, pot use, etc as well. I don't recall us ever having any specific rules for anything.
Miss Cellane
9-8-13, 8:25am
Well, I don't have kids, so this is purely hypothetical.
I think parents have the right to say that unmarried couples will not share beds or bedrooms in their house. It's their house; they get to set the rules.
Then the adult children have the right to say:
Fine, I accept your conditions and will stay at your house with my SO sleeping in a different room. OR
Fine, I don't accept your conditions and we will stay at a hotel. OR
Fine, I don't accept your conditions and we won't be visiting you.
We said no to lovers staying overnight until the kids were out & on their own, and over 18. I suspect DSS had some sexual liaisons in our home in high school. He left home at 18 & has not spent the night since. DSD is welcome to bring her lovers home & it's fine if they sleep together, though she's not asked to do so yet. She's 24, self-supporting, & in grad school.
Our reasoning was this: their job while in our home was to be in school & a student, preparing for independence. We created a safe space for them to do this. Lovers disrupt that space in those years when one learns about boundaries. I'm glad we set the limits, and saw first hand how it benefitted DSD.
Their father & I lived together for 8 years before we married. We don't hold marriage as a criteria for co-sleeping under our roof, nor do we care about the gender of the lover.
When my youngest came for a visit with his GF, they were housed together in our house. They are now married. However, I did ask if she preferred her own space....I didn't know what their arrangements were when they were in their own town.
I think I would prefer no sleepovers in my less-than-adult children. What is a sleepover meant to be, anyway? If it is about finding a place to have sex, they can get creative. I have not had the situation of adult children living in my house but if they are adults, as in rent-paying adults, then maybe I could keep my nose out of it.
Whatever I say here I expect the situation to come home to roost at some point....DSD is likely to live here while she is in university. I just hope her boyfriends have their own places....
I liked what zb said about being "sex-positive." However, what I am concerned about is being "sex-casual" for adolescents. Sex is a whole lot more than contraception and a good time, especially teenage girls but probably also for boys. There is a whole lot of identity development going on, and the intimacy of sex blurs boundaries and confuses self-concepts a lot....even for adults, who tend to be wary of talking about the meaning of sex with their sex partners. Later rather than earlier is usually a better stance for teens, and one reason I offered my son's GF her own room was that I didn't want to push them into a different or new place in their relationship by my casual assumption that they were sexual together. (Of course I would have been correct and six years later they are married but still.....)
YMMV but that's what this thread is about....
I know that my line on this was not before 21, but I think that's because it didn't come up between the ages of 18 and 21 because they were at college, or their partners lived in town and so there was no need to sleep over..
To me, if you're adult (either 18 or 21, whichever you consider the "official" adult age) your values are your values, separate from your parents, and so the parent really shouldn't push their values at that point, unless it is SO offensive to them--i.e., my DD's boyfriend's parents were evangelical Christians from North Carolina, so even though DD/BF lived together in real life, when they visited his parents, they slept in different rooms. I do not consider that silly or hypocritical, I think it's simple respect for the parents' values.
I KNOW I am one of those old-fashioned prudes who did a horrible job of sex education like my mother did. Shame on me for that..but I was a product of a very Irish Catholic upbringing. However, I still think there's nothing wrong with erring on the side of being respectful, conservative and very safe when it comes to what you allow kids to do under your roof. I'd rather say "no" to sleepovers than "here's a condom."
I just want to add a funny story about my MIL who was also an old-school prudish woman out of the Victorian era in Scotland. She had two kids (she was surprised by the second), and unfortunately her husband died when he was 45, and she spent the rest of her life single. Never even dated.
Very late in life (like in her late 70s) she discovered Harlequin romances and ate up book after book after book.
One night the whole family was out at a restaurant, sitting at a bar waiting for a table. It was a long wait, and MIL loved her Dewars, so she got a little tipsy during the wait.
My DD (I'll call her Bridget), who was about 20 at the time, asked her "Grandma, you've lived a long life. What's the one lesson you would want to pass along to me?" I'm sure she expected her Grandmother to say something about the value of frugality or hard work or something like that, because that's what my MIL stood for.
"Bridget," my MIL slurred, sitting back and pausing. Then she leaned forward and told her, "Have AS MUCH SEX as you can."
Yes, my family is quite zany and I'm actually learning how to handle/accept it about 15 years in now. LOL
I agree that 'sex positive' doesn't mean 'sex casual.' I think that an important aspect of sex education is really contemplating boundaries, sexuality, personal readiness (as opposed to just interest, curiosity), and sexual ethics and all the other elements as well. For me, a huge part of the sex question is whether or not that act is loving vs using someone. I think that it's a fine line, and a lot of people are happy to consent to mutual using each other for pleasure (a form of active sex objectification). This is part of what I want to teach my son, when it's age appropriate.
In terms of their job at a certain age, I can agree with the "brahmacharyan" stance. That means, in it's most traditional application, that one's primary role at a certain age is that of a student, and that the next stage is "householder" -- usually with an arranged marriage.
But, I'm also a little more liberal about that, too, because I don't necessarily think that boyfriends/girlfriends at that age cause problems inherently (depends upon the person), and I think it can be a safe time to learn (and lean on parental guidance) about safe and healthy relationship boundaries as well as the many others.
Part of this is due to my own history. My parents didn't have really strict rules per se. Or, they were never stated, just part of the. . . wallpaper. Basically, I was given the impression and/or education that boyfriends were really bad ideas for a lot of reasons: You have GOALS and in order to reach your GOALS you need to avoid BOYS and GIRLS WHO ARE TROUBLE as well as PARTIES. and pregnancy is REALLY BAD and will RUIN your life.
Which is why, at 32, I was *terrified* to tell my parents I was pregnant. I was sad that I was "letting them down" because I hadn't achieved my GOALS. Of course, my "goals" were actually their goals -- a certain sized house, a certain sized car, a certain lifestyle in a lot of ways, and perhaps even a certain husband? (I don't know -- i generally feel that my family disapproves of me and my husband -- but they love our kid.). Anyway, I hadn't done anything right by the time I was 32, and while I had reached some of my goals, I hadn't reached all of them, but I also realized that fertility was slipping away and I might not reach all of them and I did want to be a parent. Which meant getting pregnant.
So, I think that the reason that I feel more liberal about it is becuase i think my parents went a *little* bit too far in their assertion about how bad having boyfriends, getting married, and having kids is. That it gets in the way of your GOALS and leads to FAILURE and that's TERRIBLE (the worst thing that could happen). So, yeah, that sort of caused some needless anxieties.
But I think i can avoid that. :)
goldensmom
9-9-13, 10:22am
At my house please respect my house rules (i.e. smoking, alcohol, vulgarity, sleeping arrangements) based on my convictions or stay at a hotel. When I am your house I will respect and abide by your rules. I will not complain or try to change your convictions. Unless it's a permanent living arrangement I think anyone can be respectful of others house rules on occasion.
I don't think anyone is advocating breaking rules or trying to get people to change rules. Instead, we are talking about what our rules are, may be, or what we have experienced from others, and possibly problematizing those rules. That's all, really.
ApatheticNoMore
9-9-13, 5:11pm
So, I think that the reason that I feel more liberal about it is becuase i think my parents went a *little* bit too far in their assertion about how bad having boyfriends, getting married, and having kids is.
yes sex was bad of course. But having kids was even worse. Whatever you do do not have kids ever. It's the worst mistake a person can possibly make, it ruins lives and marriages. Marriage itself was generally positive, as long as there was no kids involved, ok sex involved that was kind of bad, but whatever you do make sure the sex never ever ever ever leads to kids because kids are really really really bad.
I don't think anyone is advocating breaking rules or trying to get people to change rules. Instead, we are talking about what our rules are, may be, or what we have experienced from others, and possibly problematizing those rules. That's all, really.
Our household rules are simple:
- sex is sex. It can be anything from a deeply emotional religious/spiritual experience to a good healthy workout. Know what you are doing.
- don't get pregnant
- don't get a STD
- don't scare the horses
- no means no - consent and communication are everything
- Dad has a lot of machineguns, a backhoe, a lot of land, a lot of ocean, and a boat with many spare anchors, choose wisely
i agree with those rules but I don't have to be concerned about 4 and 6. :)
I just want to add a funny story about my MIL who was also an old-school prudish woman out of the Victorian era in Scotland. She had two kids (she was surprised by the second), and unfortunately her husband died when he was 45, and she spent the rest of her life single. Never even dated.
Very late in life (like in her late 70s) she discovered Harlequin romances and ate up book after book after book.
One night the whole family was out at a restaurant, sitting at a bar waiting for a table. It was a long wait, and MIL loved her Dewars, so she got a little tipsy during the wait.
My DD (I'll call her Bridget), who was about 20 at the time, asked her "Grandma, you've lived a long life. What's the one lesson you would want to pass along to me?" I'm sure she expected her Grandmother to say something about the value of frugality or hard work or something like that, because that's what my MIL stood for.
"Bridget," my MIL slurred, sitting back and pausing. Then she leaned forward and told her, "Have AS MUCH SEX as you can."
Wow, I just love that story!!!
Tussiemussies
9-27-13, 5:53pm
I am 52 and really old-fashioned after reading all of the posts I see how old-fashioned I am because I would never let a teen have the person they are in a relationship with sleep over. I am in the old school, if I had children I would teach them to stay a virgin until married. There are people who actually follow this in the Mormon church. Couples do not date for long periods of time and tend to get married earlier, which has worked out a lot for the most part. Oh well....
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.