View Full Version : after losing my mind
which I am pretty good at, I decided to go through my lawyer to have child support adjusted. It makes a lot of sense of why I was so off and stressed this week to make this decision. I was going to just try to file papers myself but now their dad is traveling 4 days a week every week for work. So yeah, that is another issue that gets more complicated.
I talked to my favorite paralegal and she was nice. Her sister got a teaching degree 2 years ago and isn't working still. it helps me feel better about my work even though it pays low it is really in what I love and feel good about.
Okay good thought and prayers if that is your style. the last time I did this it pretty much was horrible and emotionally draining. I honestly don't want the cheery 'it won't be bad, have a positive attitude' on this issue. That is great but I know better and it would be best to be prepared for a battle. The last time we were accomodating and flexible and honestly it cost me a LOT more money and stress. I told the lawyer's office this time I won't give an inch on time frames. We can go straight to court if needed, it is a simple financial formula that I do not need to take 100% of what I could get but I do need to handle this without drama. Last time the mediator (a judge) told me to take what I needed to live on and not push because my ex was so angry that I should think of my safety. So you can see why it was hard to decide to do this again.
Thank you
rodeosweetheart
3-5-11, 1:33pm
Lots or good thoughts and prayers from someone who has been there. When I was in my divorce, I had to get a protective order against my stalking spouse. Maybe, since the judge told you "not to push"--is that part of the record, by the way--you could use that in your current case, and ask for a protective ordre and what is rightfully yours. It seems wrong to me for a judge to tell you to avoid asking for what should be your children's support, because that judge thinks you will end up murdered if you do so. Very wrong. So can you get that in writing, and get a protective order, and a new support order?
And hang in there, I am not saying it won't be bad, I'm just saying that I came out on the other side, all my kids are relatively okay, other than the fact that their father has nothing to do with them and they have lasting scars from his mistreatment. Or, as my oldest son said once-- "So I've got father issues, who doesn't." The kids are whole, I am rebuilding, and someday, after that man dies, he will have to account for his behavior, and honestly, I feel fo rhim as I do not think it is karmically pleasant to go through the pain that you have inflicted on others.
And be super glad he travels a lot now!
Oh let me tell you I am glad he will be traveling. I am using this to build som stability for my son and get things together. He is having a rough time and I don;t think the going back and forth with parents who don;t talk is very good. In fact totday my son wanted to know why I was bothered that dad signs him up for things like lessons and doesnt tell me considering he pays. I was able to clearly say that I still need to know since he schedules these when I can't take him, my daughter ends up driving my 2nd car and I don't schedule anything without talking to him. I just need the info.
rodeosweetheart
3-5-11, 2:06pm
Yes, my kids had that, parents who did not talk, since I would not put myself in a dangerous position and talk to him. Maybe your ex-husband is a lot more stable and sane than mine, and you can work something out. Your son's comments sounds like many comments mine said at the time. You are in a tough position, that is for sure! Good luck with it, and sounds like you have a great handle on things.
Last time the mediator (a judge) told me to take what I needed to live on and not push because my ex was so angry that I should think of my safety.
That is wrong in so many ways I don't even know where to begin. Is there a local domestic violence/assault services organization you can have a chat with? They will very likely be able to provide you with some helpful thoughts.
Zoe, does your state allow public access to the child support calculator? Oregon does and it can be helpful to parents in determining child support awards. Lawyers can be very costly and I've seen attorney charges sometimes outweigh any benefit to an increased child support award. I feel for your son. Being in the middle of parental conflict is very burdensome.
rodeosweetheart
3-5-11, 5:52pm
Another thought--if your exh is as unpleasant as he sounds, he could well take you to court for reduction in child support if you are using the money on the non minor child instead of the minor children.
It would be interesting to hear both sides of this story. Haven't you been divorced for quite some time now.
I think this is getting into this area where you know how you have an itch that really needs to get scratched, So someone is scratching your back and you keep wiggling to get them to that one spot where you will instinctively just say 'aaaah'. And sometimes no matter what that itch and the scratcher just don't meet up. That is how this conversation is kinda going, not sure if I am gonna get the scratcher right on the itch and not sure how much I really want to get into it.
So the bare facts that are not so slanted one way or another as far as I can manage are that we did get divorced some time ago. I have stayed in a career that does not earn as much and is dealing with layoffs because it is what I am good at and because I never travel and can be here for the children. His career often required regular (as in every week) travel. The last time we adjusted child support was 3-4 years ago (it took 11 months so it depends if you count from when it started or ended). The situation was that our middle child wanted to live with me full time, I knew that I could not ask for that because i already had and the investigator turned down my request so she kept telling dad she wanted to come stay with me, he said yes after all the child support etc. was settled so we needed to adjust for such a large change. He did not agree that he should adjust since I wanted this and the system did not agree. By the end with the mediator he was extremely angry and I was relieved he went out of town for 2 weeks after that. But there is not enough to get a restraining order or anything, yes I have investigated this. It was one thing in 4 years and he hasn;t done anything that crosses the line. I basically know him well enough to know where he will push and where he won't and he may drive me crazy when I let him but he has never crossed into physical danger.
Now the recent adjustment of child support. I am taking Tyler an extra 8 days a month on about a weeks notice. Like all my kids he has depression and anxiety so I am hoping that less moving back and forth will actually be good for him. However financially I was looking at moving into a bare bones too small apartment to make ends meet and that does not work if he is with me most of the time. This also means i cannot expand my job search out of the area again. When my ex called to tell me I had Tyler this extra time he did not offer anything to make it easier considering we have 2 private guitar lessons and one DR appointment weekly, and this means I will have to handle all the other DR, dentist and eye DR appointments coming up. I am willing to do this but I also know I will have to ask through the legal system to adjust child support.
On a side note, I have had to get over my own personal stigma of needing child support to take care of my kids. I would not ask if he was struggling but the income difference is somewhere like he has an income 8-10 times mine. I would like the children to be well taken care of, going to him for every dental and eye bill is MUCh harder than adjusting child support and just taking care of the things like this along with car insurance and a car and the schedules, etc.
I may leave this topic for awhile, just wanted to be clear
loosechickens
3-6-11, 1:21pm
If it helps you put things in perspective........be very glad you didn't get divorced in the mid seventies in a rural part of PA. Where your husband made MORE than ten times what you could make, (but spent it faster than he could make it, which meant very little net worth), ended up with the business which he moved to another state, and I ended up with the house, heavily mortgaged, which came to me, but had to be sold, as even working two jobs, I couldn't possibly afford it, and having your child support set at $25 per week per child because "that is the usual rate", and not having any resources to try to take him to court to get it changed.
I worked two jobs.....one from 5:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m., the other from 3 p.m. til 9 p.m. and could barely supply us with the necessities. Thankfully, both my kids had been raised to handle responsibilities, and they pitched in, both were teenagers, they got after school jobs, paid much of their own expenses, I managed to keep a roof over our heads, and we made it through o.k. Sometimes we even look back and realize that it was a great tempering experience, and while it threw my kids into adulthood sooner than we would have liked, they are none the worse for it. They certainly suffered emotional damage from the abandonment of their father and the shattering of their family, but learning to shoulder responsibility at a young age has served them well in later life.
My ex-husband never helped with one cent over and above that $25 per child per week (it stopped at age 18), never contributed one penny to their college, medical or dental expenses, and virtually abandoned them for many years, not even sending birthday cards, while he traveled the world and consorted with movie stars, etc., with his new wife (the other woman) who was barely older than his kids.
So......count your blessings. It could be a whole lot worse, and often is......
edited: after posting this, I re-read it, so want to say that I'm not meaning it as it may sound, in a judgemental way, only that you try to put into perspective the difficulties of being a single mother and "struggling" to recognize that "struggling" in a world of private guitar lessons, therapy, etc., is not struggling to keep some kind of a roof over your head, enough food on the table so your kids aren't hungry and hopefully be able to keep the lights on.
I realize that you are frustrated, and it probably ISN'T fair that your ex is so difficult, but reduction in drama and upset would probably be good for the kids, too, who certainly seem to be exhibiting troubled behaviors. Life just isn't fair, and moms and kids often get the short end of the stick, and dealing with the reality you are faced with as opposed to the reality as you would like it to be is often both more effective and better for all concerned.
As I look back on that period of my life from my age of 69, I marvel that my kids and I survived it, but we did, and life went on. And it can go on for you as well, and might go better faster if you could let go of the "it's not fair" attitude and tried to move more into the "we can do this" mode, enlisting the help of your kids and using this as a way to move them toward adulthood.
The reality is that your ex-husband is uncooperative. The life energy that must go into fighting these issues is tremendous. Divorce often means that family lifestyle takes a huge move downward, but if that mean no private guitar lessons, etc., or more travel expense to take back and forth, it doesn't mean not enough to eat, and nowhere to sleep. So try to keep that in perspective, that's all.
I've also seen way more cases than I'd like to, of parents using the "kids' needs" as a way of engaging in "proxy wars" with each other. Try to make sure that isn't the case here.
Yes loosechickens I know of much worse situations right here in my own close circle. I am not paying for private guitar or therapy, I am however shuttling around and dealing with this odd world of expectations where I am somehow supposed to be available like I was as a married mom not working as intensely but I just can't be that or do that anymore. The drastic difference between standard of living when one child goes back and forth is pretty hard on everyone, especially the girls who have not much of a relationship with dad. So one kid gets all this and the others are struggling with mom in the 'roof over the head' scenario. I can accept a certain amount of 'its not fair', I do struggle with not being able to leave the state (or the county) and having to check in with someone who does not answer quickly on any child related decisions. If I was getting very low child support then I would leave and live with family but I am not allowed to leave unless I leave my children behind.
I appreciate the single parents who have come before but I also don't plan on being any sort of martyr in the situation. If there is a standard for child support I will ask for something that reasonably accounts for the things dad pays for and I pay for and cares for the children. What I don't want is to not ask for what is available under the law because of fear or guilt that I do get a fair amount (last time I did take less than I could but enough to manage and I have gotten this far, losing the house was the larger economy and not being able to sell for about what we paid). I have seriously thought about not doing this, and I am not feeling so great right now. More like I regret saying anything as usual. I never intend to sound like I have the worst situation or to one up on misery, I don't know. I suppose if you knew me in real life maybe it would be different.
LC, from the posts I have been reading from Zoe Girl for quite some time now have indicated that she is struggling to keep a roof over her and kids' heads and food on the table. I certainly don't think she is whining here, but venting as needed, and that's ok. I remember her trying desperately to pay for her house for months and then finally losing it to foreclosure, having tough time finding jobs, and dealing with her own and kids' emotional fall-out. I think she has had a really hard time of it and I sympathize with her....
Thank you Wildflower. I was thinking in the middle of the night that I may have a sprained ankle compared to someone else's fracture. I don;t compare to the people with the fracture but I do need to treat my sprained ankle in any case.
We are still finding the balance through crappy teen behavior and mental illness and re-drawing the lines every day it seems. But I have 2 days of decent boy behavior when he woke up so far this week. I think I am going to keep track for all our benefit.
loosechickens
3-7-11, 11:35am
Zoe, I went back in and edited my post, because after I read it, I realized that it sounded judgmental, and I didn't mean it that way, only that sometimes it helps to accept realities rather than batter ourselves to death against the walls of how we would like it to be, and once we do that, sometimes it is better. I also see, in my real life, a lot of divorced parents who are battling over things like child support, etc., but underneath are really waging a "proxy war" with each other. So was just cautioning that you use introspection to understand if that is going on or not.
Also, sometimes it helps in a "at first I cried because I had no shoes, and then I saw a man with no feet", as often we get caught up in our own lives and difficulties and they seem SO important and SO drastic, and we lose sight of the fact that in a larger sense, our problems may not be as bad as we think. Coming to that realization has always been helpful to me, so I passed it on.
You've clearly been through rocky times, and I know that all of us recognize how you've tried to work through them. If I gave a different impression, I'm sorry. It is so hard sometimes to communicate by the written word, as tone, context, expression, etc. are absent.
And you're right.....even a sprained ankle deserves treatment, but it also helps to be thankful that the sprained ankle is easier to recover from than a fracture or amputation, along with it. Keeping things in perspective, so that we don't become immersed in our own life circumstances, always helps me, and I hope it does you as well.
rodeosweetheart
3-7-11, 2:17pm
I don't know ZG, the times when I was worried about protecting my children through the divorce were the hardest and most stressful of my life, and I have never experienced that kind of primal fear either before or after, so I don't think the sprained ankle/fracture/amputation analogy would work for me. I think you are doing the very best you can under very tough circumstances, and you have to trust your own best judgement on some of these driving/shuttling/maintaining the "wife" role when your circumstances have changed so much. Just keep focused if you can that this will all turn out, it really will, and all of your children will be adults and you will have done the best you could under the circumstances, which is all that anyone can ask of us. And keep thinking about how to put yourself a bit higher on your priority list--you have a primary responsibility to yourself here, to keep going and stay afloat, the little ship of you. Hang in there, and best wishes!!
Sometimes I think not having to deal with the ex at all is easier. But obviously you do have to deal with him. So kudos for trying to keep it as sane as possible.
A few people I know who have no other parent involved have said that there are lots of aspects are easier. A few times it has been nice that I can have him do a few things like take a few of the DR appointments, but more often I get the kids a lot more. A year ago he left for 3 weeks of a 2 1/2 week winter break. I can always look at the positive so I was happy to not split any of the holiday and just have fun with my kids.
Tonight we got one super stressful thing out of the way and I was proud of my daughter (even though this was because she got a ticket). She was pleasant to the judge who just needed to see the insurance card we didn' have in the car. Then we paid the money involved and she told the cashier to have a nice day. She said that she figures they work for the state and may really hate their job (all Colorado state employees took a pay cut) so at least she can be cheerful. She even says that when she gets a ticket because after all it is their job.
Sometimes I think not having to deal with the ex at all is easier. But obviously you do have to deal with him. So kudos for trying to keep it as sane as possible.
I doubt that there is pursuasive debate against the ease of having a difficult ex out of the picture. Of course it's easier in the mind of the other ex.
But I like to think that the ex-parent is there for the children. What a concept, I know.
If your child-rearing situation has changed considerably which it sounds like it has, you will need more child-support $$ to help feed, clothe, educate and house the child. So, there's nothing wrong with asking for an adjustment. I don't know what to say about your ex being a jerk about the whole thing and making things as difficult as possible just to be a jerk or screw you out of money. Maybe it would help to write out some of the things you've gotten through so far, or some sort of daily mantra and read it when you're feeling down/frustrated/worried? Keep it in mind this will not last forever, and break things down into "I just have to get through X" today may help, I dunno. Sounds like you're doing your best with the hand you got dealt and making the best choices you can for your kids.
So the retainer for the lawyer is $2,500 and the process will likely cost more than that. I am gonna get through March, file taxes and then do this myself with child support calculators that I have available on the internet and the last tax returns I have from my ex for when we worked with the short sale company. I will figure it out, write up a proposal and send it to him and his lawyer. I found out the last several times I have had to deal with him that I am smart enough to do this and hold my own with the lawyers, I just will miss feeling that great comforted and protected feeling I get from my lawyer and his office (they are great people, i just don;t have the money). The system here makes you go to mediation before going to court and I can do that too, the two or three mediations we had I pretty much talked for myself and let my lawyer figure out the numbers and what was legal and suggest what would be important to protect myself.
But I like to think that the ex-parent is there for the children. What a concept, I know.
Agreed. A child's relationship with a parent should not cease when the relationship of the parents come to an end. On another note, the term ex still signifies the status and focus on the relationship between the parents. To have a child centered focus in describing the other parent is to say "my kid's mother" or "my kid's' father." This places the focus on the kid's relationship with their parent and takes away the focus on the relationship status between the parents.
rodeosweetheart
3-10-11, 5:39pm
Great point, Reyes, I don't think anyone is suggesting that anyone break off contact with their children! On the contrary, as Loose chickens said, when a parent abandons the kids--which can certainly take the form of physical, emotional, or financial abandonment, the pain to the children is incredible. I think people are just discussing how to best care for the children when there is a disparity in income and perhaps feelings of responsibility towards those children. But absolutely, there is NO such thing as an ex-parent, or an ex-child! Great point!
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.