Going Minimalist using "No"

[catherine]

I get emails from this guy I signed up with. He's a bit wacky. He's supposed kind of a motivational guru, but he does it in a wacky, humorous way. To be honest, I hardly ever read his MailChimp emails, because they're not really my style, but I liked this one:

Thought I'd share--there's a great simple living lesson in it. Especially for people like me who have a difficult time with "no"

How the Power of NO Saved My Life by James Altucher



The first girl I dated after separating from my wife asked me what my net worth was on our first date.

I was honest and I told her. She said, "that's not enough."

I asked her what her ex was worth but she said, "why do people always ask that."

Her ex was well known, 20 years older than her (maybe 30), and probably worth over $100 million according to the newspaper.

But there's a saying (it's a saying because one person has told it to me but I repeat it everywhere as if I had made it up): "You never know what someone is worth until they declare bankruptcy."

I felt bad about not having enough so I told her some things I was working on.

"None of that stuff ever works out," she said.

And she was right. None of that particular stuff worked out. But I didn't know it then. I wouldn't know it for years.

Another time I asked her, "how come you never introduce me to your friends?"

And she said, "Because you're too crazy."

Which made a lot of sense. I do NOT introduce my crazy friends to my normal friends. One of her friends was running for Senate or Governor or something. That would've created a lot of problems if he was seen hanging out with a crazy person. But I could've maybe offered to be Vice-President if he ever made it that far.

I don't know.

Sometimes you give a carrot but they take the whole stick.

One time she said to me, "my people can destroy your people."

Which I doubt. My people at that time were largely zombies. In the movies you often see the Governor or the Head of the Joint Chiefs totally powerless against the Zombie army.

But I couldn't tell her that and reveal my true identity.

I said, "Maybe." We were in a Mexican restaurant, which I considered neutral territory considering as how my DNA tests showed I have some Canadian blood in me.

We broke up. I'd like to think I broke up with her if it wasn't for that one conversation where she called me and said, "I'm not ready for you. I need time. Maybe A LOT of time."

And then I broke up with her.

I was in a Borders bookstore at that moment and she was at President Obama's first inauguration, and I still had a Blackberry.

Those big buttons that required the slightest of pushes. We were texting. I remember typing out, "b...r...e..k" and then backspacing. You know the drill. I miss my Blackberry.

How things have changed.

Back then just a smidgen of Chinese food could cause enlightenment. People were having orgasms over politics and the country was heading towards the Apocalypse.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days when nothing semeed to matter except being lonely, eating hot dogs for breakfast, being scared of going broke, being forced to move rooms every 29 days by NYC law since I lived in a since shut-down hotel, and wandering around bookstores looking for women to hit on.

But then I gave up.

I started saying "No" to people who weren't right for me. I started saying "No" to everything I didn't want to do.

I started saying "No" to mindless meetings, mindless events, mindless people who were bad for me, mindless food or alcohol, mindless anger and regret. Mindless TV and news.

I started saying "No" to colonoscopies and other things related to painful medical experiments. I listed all the things I could say "No" to and I still do.

When you have a tiny tiny piece of shit in the soup it doesn't matter how much more water you pour in and how many more spices you put on top. There's shit in the soup.

I had been saying YES to the wrong things for 20 years.

Within six months my life was completely different. I met Claudia. I moved out of hotels. I was working on ideas that actually made money. And I needed fewer and fewer things to make me happy. That's the Power of No. That's true minimalism.

Every six months since then my life has changed. Even in the past few days, remarkable things have happened.

When you start just saying "No" to the bad things, the "Yes" compounds every day. It compounds automatically, the way interest does in a non-US bank.

When she asked me what my net worth was I could've just said, "No" and got up and not wasted three months of my life. But as easy as that sounds, I didn't know how to do it.

Now I do. Now I'm free. I dumped the old soup. Now I can finally drink from the soup I just cooked.

[Jilly]

Interesting. Amidst the flying metaphors stories about the power of "no" kind of, sort of, resonate with me. I said no today to a request that someone made of my time, resources and money, simply because she wanted that thing and should have it because she wanted it, and that expectation is based on my shameful history and practice of never saying no to anyone for anything. It was shocking, not in a good way, that she was surprised and offended and pretty much non-believing the possibility that I was choosing to not do what she wanted. I know that she will ask again. I will demure again. She will ask and I will decline. I, too, often do not know how to do it.

I especially like the zombie reference. It applies to so many aspects of relationship. Really like that.

I think that I will take the advice and say no to my soon-to-be-scheduled colonoscopy. Sounds like serious progress to me.

Oh, and the stuff about crazy people, being thought of as a crazy person, actually being a crazy person, that is my favorite part. I really cannot do much about that, but I can learn to be a more delightful insane person who knows how to say no.

[fidgiegirl]

I enjoyed the article, thanks for sharing. I did think, "why did you stay with this person?!" from the first line . . . but then I realized that was the point of the whole thing . . . why?

I've been working on No for a number of years and am markedly better at it, but still have some progress to make. I am unreasonably worried about other people and their feelings at times. I think it's helped that at work I have to say no a lot. I have a rare job in education, one that is not scheduled for me, and people see that as me doing nothing and so logically, I should help them! :) But I hate it. I hate having to say no to people on what feels like a daily basis lately. However I know that it will pay off as the year goes along.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Saying no is easy .... compared to saying yes :|(

[shadowmoss]

I wonder if it can go too far, though. I'm turning into a grumpy old lady who tends to mention the fact that people are being unreasonable when they are. Maybe when they aren't as well. I'm not sure I like this, and I'm understanding why middle-aged and up women can be seen as grumpy/bitter/sharp-tounged, can't quite come up with the word that evokes the less than friendly, slightly in you face person I seem to have become. I also don't know how to stop drawing my boundaries quite so bluntly, start being a 'team player'. So, maybe I drank too much of the 'just say no' kool-ade.

[reader99]

I wonder if it can go too far, though. I'm turning into a grumpy old lady who tends to mention the fact that people are being unreasonable when they are. Maybe when they aren't as well. I'm not sure I like this, and I'm understanding why middle-aged and up women can be seen as grumpy/bitter/sharp-tounged, can't quite come up with the word that evokes the less than friendly, slightly in you face person I seem to have become. I also don't know how to stop drawing my boundaries quite so bluntly, start being a 'team player'. So, maybe I drank too much of the 'just say no' kool-ade.

I've been getting like that too. Something that took the edge off was reading Byron Katie's A Thousand Names for Joy. I became more able to assume that other people have their reasons even if I'm too limited to understand them at the moment. Doesn't stop me from saying no but it has cut down on seeming to be mean to people.

What you're describing is why in the Middle Ages older single women could be ostracized as witches. We get witchy, and if the surrounding culture is superstitious and aggressive we get burned. It's also why I no longer have the patience to do customer service work, which I used to be very good at.

[SteveinMN]

My psychology-major DW sees that behavior often in the people/clients with whom she works. She believes that, as we age (men and women), the filters we use to be polite, restrain the appearance of anger, etc., diminish. Some of that may be related to changes in the brain; some of that may be related to our experiences and our station in life. If you've been on the receiving end of a lot of "do as I say, not as I do", you are far more likely to not accept what people say and -- eventually -- more likely to challenge it outright rather than just swallow it and move on.

It's hard for me, sometimes, but I have to remember that everyone does things because it seems the best thing for them to do at that moment (kind of what Katie is saying). Kind of the forgive-them-they-know-not-what-they-do. Doesn't keep me from gritting my teeth sometimes or from wishing poorly upon the perpetrator and his/her family >8) but it helps.

[lhamo]

I totally understand about not letting your life energy be sucked into things that don't make your life better, but I also kind of suffer from the opposite problem -- as an introvert, I don't have as strong a social network as I would like. I've been making a conscious effort to change that. Best example recently: I was at a big public event where I felt a little out of place but wanted to say goodbye to the guest of honor before I left. While I was kind of hovering around waiting to speak to her, another woman walked by and said something like "you look lonely." I suppose I could have gotten really flustered by that, but I decided to just be honest -- "I'm just doing my typical introvert in a crowd thing, don't mind me!" I said, or something like that. We struck up a little conversation and exchanged cards. The next day I looked up her Linked In profile and discovered we actually had some mutual friends and a significant professional connection. So I asked her to join my network and then sent a separate email saying how glad I was she had taken the initiative to speak to introverted me, and suggested we should get together some time. we actually ended up having dinner together a few days later, along with our spouses, and had a really great time. And then she introduced me to another person I had a really interesting engagement with. So yes, while it is important to learn to say no it is also important to learn to say yes, even if that means pushing your boundaries a bit.

[catherine]

Yes, I totally agree with the Byron Katie approach, and lhamo, I love the way you handled that interaction. I guess it's really more about what you do to neutralize toxicity in your life. So putting yourself in the other person's shoes is a great way to neutralize a potentially toxic situation. But sometimes you have to a) put yourself in the other person's shoes and respond kindly and then b) vamoose.

Wayne Dyer talks about how you can use the constant presence of toxicity as a spiritual exercise, but he admits that that takes a lot of energy to do that, and sometimes you have to let go., i.e. a long-term relationship, or a friendship that has run its course. That's the big picture NO I was thinking of when I read the article.

Ii always have a hard time drawing the line between extending myself in sisterhood and being a doormat. I definitely getting more mindful of my yesses and nos as I get older, but I feel I have a long way to go.

[Tussiemussies]

I used to never be able to say no, but what I came to find out was that I was co-dependent. I am sure that is not the case for everyone but thought I'd bring it up. I have no problem saying no now, except for some certain situations that I still need to work on. In my case though it was a lack of confidence and wanting approval that led me to be in that place where I couldn't say no. So the reason behind why makes all the difference. Glad for those who are saying no now. It feels so freeing! Chris

[catherine]

Yikes, I need a support group for recovering yes-men/women! After posting this article, guess what happened today?

I'm on Dave Ramsey's plan, as some of you know and I've really been working it. I have my own little budget and anything left from my own "blow money" as DR calls it (I hate that term BTW, having lived through the 80s) I am saving--$10 here, $20 there every week. I'm thinking it will go towards getting stuff for my new upcoming first grandchild.

Months ago I met a woman in Trader Joe's--really sweet girl about my daughter's age. She said she was into Mary Kay, and one thing led to another and I bought one of their overpriced skin care sets. I ran out of one of the products rather quickly and when I went to reorder just that piece, I learned it was $70!!! Well, no way was I reordering.

Well, the girl moved to the West Coast and I figured that would be the end of my Mary Kay relationship (and I wasn't crying about it, either). As it happens, she started emailing me about how she's working up toward her directorship and she's short this amount, blah blah blah, and she started sending all kinds of email blasts to her customers asking us all to help her reach her goal. I ignored it.

She texted me today--this is her last chance, and she has a Friday 13th sale and I get a 20% discount and she's JUST SHY of her goal.

Yup. I did it. I don't even want the stuff. I just couldn't turn her down!! Now I have to raid my little piggy bank to buy this stuff from a "friend" on another coast, to whom I have NO obligation whatsoever! What is wrong with me? This will be about $60 that will NOT be available for the Little One.

I MUST read the article above from my own thread again. And again. And again.

[Jilly]

...can't quite come up with the word that evokes the less than friendly, slightly in you face person I seem to have become. ...

How about empowered, strong and a fine example to other people.

I do not believe that becoming this age has the effect of losing or lessening of filters, but more that we finally come to understand how some of those old behaviors do not really serve anyone, most especially ourselves.

[Gardenarian]

I liked that. Thanks.

[rosarugosa]

You know, I've always been quite good at saying no. I'm also quite good at saying that I'm not at all interested in or fond of things that most of the human race holds dear. So people that know me know that I don't like: children especially babies, religion, Christmas, holidays in general, parades, weddings and other formal social occasions and I'm sure there are a few others. I've never been invited to a Tupperware party because my friends know that inviting me to a Tupperware party just is not an OK thing to do. On the other hand, I really love animals, people over the age of 15 (although I am quite introverted and somewhat afraid of these same people), nature, books, art, and I can be pretty generous under the right circumstances. I try very hard never to be unkind, and I can find something to like in most adult members of the human race. I have infinite patience for those who are trying their best. It is a source of constant amazement to me how many wonderful people really love me even on these terms. So say no when you need to say no. It can be very liberating, and the people who love you will value the times when you say yes all the more (as opposed to taking it for granted).

[puglogic]

Catherine, I'm so sorry. We are scrimping right now (to pay for something really good) and were approached by someone in our circle of acquaintances who created a promotional videotape for her budding musical/comedy career. She actually followed us around the public place where were were, kept trying to hand it to us. It was embarrassing. "Just look at it - take a look, that's all." I was mortified and infuriated that she used being in a public place to pressure us, so I bought the damned thing -- $25 we didn't have in our budget -- and was so angry when I got home that I threw it away.

I'm afraid she has poisoned the well for the next person who tries that tactic, though. Left a very bad taste in my mouth for anyone doing the "hard sell" like your Mary Kay chick.

[mira]

I think it's important to make sure that we don't say "no" to absolutely everything outside our comfort zones - how else would we develop as people or gain confidence in the aread that scare us?

However I do think it's vital to say "no" when you know that saying "yes" will do you more harm than good. Recently I've been turning down offers to go out to bars and stuff - I barely drink (it no longer interests me plus it's expensive!) and it's really no fun being the only sober one in a crowd of drunk folks, and I get drained trying to converse for hours on end. I'm at a point where I'm worried that people think I'm a boring fuddy duddy at the ripe old age of 30 :(

[Blackdog Lin]

mira - from my old-age alcoholic perspective: stick to your guns. You are the right one. They are the idiots. The bar-scene at your age adds to your life.....nothing. Just nothing.

I could go on. I won't. You have the right perspective. Try to stick with it.

[Spartana]

I wonder if it can go too far, though. I'm turning into a grumpy old lady who tends to mention the fact that people are being unreasonable when they are. Maybe when they aren't as well. I'm not sure I like this, and I'm understanding why middle-aged and up women can be seen as grumpy/bitter/sharp-tounged, can't quite come up with the word that evokes the less than friendly, slightly in you face person I seem to have become. I also don't know how to stop drawing my boundaries quite so bluntly, start being a 'team player'. So, maybe I drank too much of the 'just say no' kool-ade.
Ha ha. I'm the opposite and am mellowing as I get older. I was always butting heads and arguing with everyone over everything but now just let it go. Well....I try :-) But I've never had a problem saying no and still don't.

[iris lilies]

I think it's important to make sure that we don't say "no" to absolutely everything outside our comfort zones - how else would we develop as people or gain confidence in the areas that scare us?



That's very true. I am turning over in my mind the concept of: giving where it hurts.

It's all well and good for me to donate to old buildings/animals/arts causes because that's what appeals to me, it's a "feel good" gift. Maybe it would be good for my spiritual growth to give to one of those human social causes that I either ignore or that annoy me. Isn't there a Bible lesson about that? So maybe I'll give $25 to a food bank (a pet peeve) and that will be harder than the $500 I gave to Campbell House last week.

I don't have a problem saying no to things people want to sell me. Here's how hard core I am: when a panhandler came to my door dragging her kid along, I said "sorry, nope."

[mira]

Thanks for your comments Lin and Iris :)